I have a distant aunt. She is in her late 40s now. This aunt was and is still very intelligent and beautiful. She admired learned professional ladies and set out to be one.
Aunty was with this guy from their Secondary school days.
After secondary school, the man could not go further due to financial incapability so he went into business while she on the other hand went on to get a Bachelor's degree and a good job. She was planning to travel abroad for her Masters degree.
By this time the man had become an importer, he was importing goods from China into Nigeria.
He started pressuring her for marriage, assuring her that she will go for her Masters as soon they get married. According to her, he said he was scared of losing her to one 'abroadian' over there.
So she married him because they were so in love, they were compatible(or so she thought) and he was very caring and hardworking.
After marriage, she got pregnant immediately and so suspended her travelling and continued working. Oga told her she could travel after the child clocks one year. She would drop the child with his mum and go.
After a while, he came home to her with tales of being duped by a business partner and asked her to lend him her life savings to save his business, she gave him almost all the money she had and remained just 50k in her account. Then she delivered. Maternity leave came to an end.
Oga dropped the first bombshell.
He refused her going back to work. He said she should stay at home and take care of the baby, after all, he was financially okay enough to cater for them both. What??
Aunty was distraught, she reported to everyone including both families, Pastor, etc but they all said she should obey her husband, relax and enjoy her his money. Lols
Then baby clocked one year. Aunty even changed her mind on travelling for Masters, she couldn't leave her cute baby with anyone and she knew her husband would not allow her to take him along. She decided to do it in the town where they lived, Oga said no. Why??
He said she didn't need a Masters degree for anything. He said to her:
'You are not even working with the first degree, what would you use the Masters for? After all me myself do not have even NCE and I am not thinking of going back to school. I should be the one talking about going back to school. Leave the remaining schooling for our children' Chai!
All the while, he was subduing her in the marriage. He chased all her working class friends away from her. Made her to explain what she needed money for before giving. She discussed with him about monthly allowance but he refused. She discussed about opening a small business for her, Oga said she didn't need it. At a point, she volunteered to be a cashier or accountant in one of his stores, he refused.
In addition, he refused to pay her the money she borrowed him while pregnant. She had expended the 50k she had left and was koboless.
He was also fond of taunting her with her degree. Any little grammatical blunder from her side, he would tell her 'look at you, a graduate that doesn't know this and that. It is not by certificate oh' lols
If he explained a business deal to her and she didn't understand he would call her dumb, good for nothing, wasted years in the name of schooling, etc.
He turned that Aunty to a full house wife. She had three children, he wanted more but she refused. When she was contemplating divorce as she felt miserable and frustrated in the marriage, her family told her it was too late.
Where would she start from? Which company would employ her at 42? They told her to sit down, relax and enjoy her husband's money because she didn't have a case.
The man was not a womanizer, he wasn't drinking too much beer, he wasn't beating her, he gave her any money she asked for, so what was her excuse? They asked her. They didn't understand what she was passing through.
Well, Aunty left the marrage last last. She was not suffering physically but she was going crazy. She later got a job in the State Ministry. She looked happy and satisfied when I saw her last.
Pls, I want to ask lawyers here, does pre-nuptial agreement exist in Nigeria? I think intending couples should write out what will continue or happen in the marriage and sign with a lawyer present before saying "I do". What do you all think?
Mama Tee
The man was not a womanizer, he wasn't drinking too much beer, he wasn't beating her, he gave her any money she asked for, so what was her excuse? They asked her. They didn't understand what she was passing through.
Well, Aunty left the marrage last last. She was not suffering physically but she was going crazy. She later got a job in the State Ministry. She looked happy and satisfied when I saw her last.
Pls, I want to ask lawyers here, does pre-nuptial agreement exist in Nigeria? I think intending couples should write out what will continue or happen in the marriage and sign with a lawyer present before saying "I do". What do you all think?
Mama Tee
Na wa o
ReplyDeleteThis is why I run from uneducated men no matter how rich. I chop their money and run. Those men enjoy killing one's dreams and self esteem. Only a few of them will be happy with you being more educated than them.
DeleteWow... So educating,my husband didn't want me to work at first, he said he will be paying me every month... 😂Me way my 👄 Don wide, I just told him not to bother, I can't spend how many years in 🏫 just to be a full time house wife... Even when I wanted to start my charcoal business, he was just discouraging me,saying that dirty business 😂I know he has the money to give but won't until Stella gave me and he was surprised, how can a total stranger give u 50k,now that business is growing, he's so proud of me that u won't ask him before he starts telling u my wife is a business tycoon,hes so supportive .... Every woman should work, not just for the money but for ur sanity
ReplyDeleteCongrats jare. Dont mind men, that is how they behave. Once you succeed it is my wife. if it fails, they will say yeye woman. Abeg continue with your lovely business
DeleteNice one dear
DeleteNothing like making your own money
Beeni,I was home for 3 FULL years and It was CRAZY,nothing like earning something for YOURSELF!!!
DeleteYour headline and closing doesn't tally.
ReplyDeleteUp.. When one is more educated
Down... Prenuptial agreement.
What are we to comment on.
Interesting read btw.
Yes the agreement thing is very important oh! before one person will turn you to a house wife.
ReplyDeleteIs it today that men break promises and agreement? Of course they will agree with you. After you start having kids them go change am for you.
DeleteThis is my story
ReplyDeleteI have an OND and wanted to further my education but my husband said I should leave schooling for my 5 year old child. That my chapter have closed, I should allow my child to finish school first because I can further my education anytime.
He did not allow me to learn my favourite skill which is tailoring/fashion designing, i o much have passion for it, I even give tailors the style to see fit me and they come out nice. He said there is no money in it cos they are everywhere. I'm just here helpless. He sets up mushroom business for me once in a while that folds up, I don't have passion for those ones. I can't find any good job with OND except teaching job of 15k which is exhausting, even though I'm very sound educationally.
I'm in my early thirties, dying silently, I'm so frustrated, pls what should I do? I don't have the boldness to quit the marriage and he doesn't listen to relatives advise. He is also an SSCE holder and not doing so fine financially, we are just managing with just one child.
Eyah, I pity your plight.
DeleteLadies ladies ladies! How many ears do you have?
Listen and listen good, get all your certificates, learn all your skills while still single. Don't marry because of promises that you will further your dreams in his house. I know so many young ladies whose horsebands promised to let them further their education after marriage but today, they are still secondary school leavers with kids to cater for. Dreams have been killed with marriage.
U better take the job like that, we're I work they me less than 20k but I take it with joy and waiting for better one
DeleteMadam you lowered your standard before him. When they say shine eyes una think it is for saying sake. Since you have passion in fashion design, why dont you use the advantage that he said your son education is priority and get yours. Try and start asking for money for some things about your son's education and see where it can get you.
DeleteIt is well
13:19, try and have one or two more kids and then do findings about any Force that is recruiting and apply. Even if it is Civil Defence corps. It is better than teacher or receptionist. You will need cash for settlement though. So save like 50k-100k before buying applying. Then if your horseband will allow you to do it when they pick you, you can further your education by doing part time or open university online, using your money. I think money is also the cause, schooling these days is not moi moi.
DeleteHmmmm, this is serious.
DeleteI believe money is also the cause in your own case since you said he is not doing fine financially. Get something doing even if it's the teaching job and save money. You can later say someone wants to teach you the fashion designing for a token which you can afford to pay, you can mention 10k for him. Then you can pay the required amount from your pocket. Also, get a sewing machine from your pocket and don't disturb him for money. You can tell him it would be paid for on installment. This is why you have to do something and save so you can achieve your dreams. All the best.
Hmmm,don't stay relaxed poster,u are fed up of the state you are in so PUSH,push with all your strength and something will come up,be fast about it as time is going!!!!
DeleteI am anon 13:19
DeleteThanks all.
Sharon your own is better, you are a degree holder you still have hope of a better job in future. If I take a small job now, I won't be able to save because he will be leaving some responsibilities in the house for me, he has done it before that is why the small business he opened for me crashed. I wish I have something I can sell so I can quickly start applying for any force job even if it's police or civil defence like that anon said. I don't want more kids now, we are still struggling to pay this one's school fees. I will still apply if I see maybe my family members will contribute the settlement money for me when the time reaches. I'm tired.
Pls which force is recruiting now? Pls share the link to apply pls my people. Thanks again.
Nah wa ooooo, see how he changed her life just like that. He purposely took that money from her to make her pennyless, thank God she left and found peace at last. Nigerian men with dubious characters. Men that refuse to do court wedding, are they the ones that will agree to pre-nuptial agreement?
ReplyDeleteInsecurity of the highest form
ReplyDeleteThat's why so many people won't stoop low
Wow.....the heart of man is truly wicked!something tells me nothing was wrong with his business,it was a story he concocted just to get all her money and make her entirely dependent on him...I'm glad she finally found herself;nothing can be as bad as emotional/psychological torture!
ReplyDeleteBut on the other hand,it depends on the self-confidence of a man.There are lots of men out there who pride on having career successful wives.I have a friend whose husband ensured she went for her masters and is even saying she will go for phd;this is someone who has a successful bridal shop ooo.
May God bless us with men that will always compliment us
Inferiority complex. That man is an idiot.Educationally, my wife is ahead of me, I don't jealous her rather I encourage her to keep on firing.
ReplyDeleteYou're a good man. My husband is the one encouraging me for further studies, that is what a reasonable man should do. Encourage your wife to bag all the certificates she can. Na wah for some men, you no wan go school, you no go allow your wife go either, SMH
DeleteMarriage is for better for worse na. Women are also expected to be submissive. If your husband says no more school for you, so be it, if he says don't work I will be paying you monthly, so be it. You will just sit at home and take care of the home and kids. Shikena.
ReplyDeleteThis is mostly common with Anambra Men. Their women are too educated but because there is money, they lower their standard and stay with these men.
ReplyDeleteWomen should stop lowering their standards for any man. I dont lower my standard, so why should I continue to agree to your terms and conditions.
Women please, get something doing even if it is not 9-5 p.m. jobs, you can be doing online businesses. So many businesses out there for all of us to do.
Hnmmm
ReplyDeleteShow ur man u have money, that ur money is what he will use for a phony business....
ReplyDelete@Mama Tee, I agree with you, there should be a written agreement signed and sealed on how the couple should handled their marriages.
ReplyDeleteStella thanks for the alert. May God reward you for your generosity.
ReplyDeleteMen will always be men. If I tell my own story. lol. Its well. Woman please try and have something doing. No matter how hard he tries,stick to him allowing you to work or open a business in your name. Most times do not tell him how much you have or earn. If he is the type that complain of not having enough money especially when a need arises in the house. Please complain more. In-fact pick your phone in his presence and make a fake call begging for money from your siblings or friends. If you allow him make you a permanent house wife. Na you loose, how will you teach your children there is dignity in labour. That means you cannot afford small small needs of your children. They will always wait for daddy to come back before they buy bobo. Its well.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with many Nigerian women is that you are yet to understand your men.
ReplyDeleteThat is why you lot have so many issues in your marriages and relationships.
When you understand something, you are ALWAYS 10 steps ahead because you Move. in. Silence.
The average Nigerian man is VERY weak.
Sexually: Weak, he has very little self control.
Emotionally: Weak, childish, Malice-in-Chief, spends his energy pretending to be strong.
Ego: Very weak and becomes insecure when a female, especially one he marries, or his subordinate/contemporary in the office surpasses him in any way.
That is why when an average Nigerian man marries, he immediately proceeds to strip his wife of anything that he knows can make her STAND ON HER OWN.
If it is money, he will drain her until she has to beg for the smallest amount to buy sanitary towels.
If it is education, he will ensure he frustrates every attempt to further her studies, if he sees she has favourable prospects in her office (career advancement) he will rush her to be pregnant so she has to resign even though that was not the initial agreement when dating. Or torment her so much with accusations of infidelity etc that she will resign for sake of peace. If all that is not working he will bring his womanising to her face and say it's because she does not have time for him or some other nasty excuse. By the time she has finished running from calvary to general hospital (to treat 400 std)to night vigil to family meeting to...
That is why they are always roaring: Submission!
Submit to me!
I am your lord and saviour etc etc.
Always sowing seeds of fear about other women.
Always trying to isolate.
FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR.
Need to subjugate.
Need to suppress.
Because. FEAR.
Have you seen a lion begging/demanding for respect or submission from other animals?
Or announcing its 'lionship'?
Marrying a Nigerian man who is your intellectual,educational or social or financial inferior?
It can NEVER end in praise.
NEVER to the power of 1 billion.
A Nigerian man has to have something that he feels sets him ABOVE you. Forget all that gibberish he tells you when he is dating you. Nigerian man wey wan fuck can swear on his father's head sef.
I have given you their tactics.
If you want a very simple solution, comment 'Thunder Fire Them' because I feel I have bored you with my epistle. Loll.
*In case you were lucky enough to marry from the 5 percent NOT average, congratulations! #respect #maximumrespect
Anon 15:44, thanks. Pls you did not bore me.
DeleteThunder Fire Them.
I need simple solution pls. I'm anon 13:19
You have said it all! Nigerian men are very badly brought up. They are not taught any values when growing up and brought in up with a very strong sense of entitlement!
DeleteAnon 15:44, your enemy will not die well. Thank you jare.
Deletewow!
Deleteanonymous 15:44, you deserve accolade.
Your comment is the truth and nothing but the truth.
Thank God I did not marry an average Nigerian Man!! Everything you’ve written here is the opposite of my husband... Posts like this make me thank God for Him everyday
DeleteThis story is typical Igbo man mentality especially those at Onitsha main market. Killing dream since 1900.
ReplyDeleteit's a big lie, please most traders are graduates. Are you not in Nigeria? No job.
DeleteAnon 15:44. you're so correct. So on point.
ReplyDeleteThis is what inferiority complex causes.
ReplyDeleteSome uneducated men can be really difficult to reckon with,they sometimes lack understanding and can be really thick,their way of reasoning usually is something else,you'll just keep clashing and having squables cos they can argue blindly and won't back down,you have to really love them deeply to be able to cope with such men.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous Bug