Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

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Thursday, April 04, 2019

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

Hmmmmmm........







STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
TO STAY OR LEAVE?



Dear Stella,
I need the advice of fellow BVs. I have been married for 8years to a man I loved but not passionately.


We started from the scratch, he did not even have an apartment when I agreed to marry him. But immediately I said yes to him, boom, he struck a biz deal, he married me in grand style and got an apartment fully furnished in PH where we are based.


We have no kids yet. IVF and so many other so many other fertility treatments have failed. This man is a good man, he does not trouble me on the issue.


But the issue right now is that, I have completely fallen out of love, I mean, completely. We have serious compatibility issues, that we always quarrel and the relationship became too toxic and I snapped. We are always the center of attraction in any family gathering, always fighting. Neighbors have become used to our noise. It was physical earlier leading to many permanent damages to my body but for 3 years he has not beaten me up. 



For about two years things have been calm, you know why? We stay away from each other. Good morning, normal gist but nothing deep, because it always ends in quarrel and fights. That is how incompatible we are. Last year we had s#x just 3 times and nothing this year. He has girlfriends but I don't even care cos I feel nothing for him. We are both from Rivers so our family ties are strong.


The issue now is my heart wants to leave because I know what a relationship is supposed to be. It does not look like this. I am a hopeless romantic, I love love, I love kissing, cuddling and above all, I need a companion. I am scared of leaving because something tells me this is just a phase and we will be fine later, I am also scared to remain, cos I could be in a lonely marriage for the rest of my life and probably never have children and he could get someone pregnant and we will still end up apart.


Please Stella your red pen is needed, this loneliness is killing.



You have weighed the pros and cons yourself my dear so what can one tell you again?You said the beatings did permanent harm to your body?and you are there asking us what you should do?The next blow might kill you cos you are standing on an explosive...thats all i can say!!!

61 comments:

  1. Poster please leave for your own sake. Life is too short. Forget about what people will say, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you will be fine. It's not easy but you will be fine.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ...but you say he's a good man na. Let me come back to read comments.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I literally stopped at "beat me up" and "permanent scar".. RUNNNNNNNNNNN

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She also said she snapped...
      Snapped and hit him 1st i suppose, women will never own up throwing the 1st punch.

      Delete
    2. You have a point 15:31 but either way she's at the losing end.. I still maintain she should run. They both toxic for each other

      Delete
  4. As u calmed down to explain ur predicament to Stella and Bvs,also have a communication with him by tending all these you wrote down to him.If he doesnt change,carry your bags and vamoose legitimately.
    May God show you family mercy by opening your womb to conceive children that will bring bondness, love and peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some men don't have listening ear, they wouldn't even give you attention to have a heart talk.

      Delete
    2. Men only listen when they are interested. If not, you are on your own.

      Delete
  5. This man is a good man...

    It was physical earlier leading to many permanent damages.

    He has girlfriends

    So which one is the good man here?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I follow you confuse for the matter
      .

      Delete
    2. He was a good man, then she fell out of love and the fightings & misunderstandings set in, then awoke the beast in him.

      Delete
    3. Una definition of good men no be ATMen -as long as the ATM dey release money,
      "he is a good man, he is so good to me".
      The sisi in this story, na she create that "monster" as she carry her own mouth talk am.
      She no like am come marry am.
      Naija girls.

      Delete
    4. 15.32 then the poster is the problem 🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️

      Delete
    5. May he was good to her earlier and then changed. But i still believe something must have happened along the line

      Delete
  6. You are exciting the demon in him because you don’t love so releases by pouncing on you.. stop looking for pity commentaries that will enable you start banging that anonymous man in your life. Better run to God and remain humble your testimony on the way

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much!!!
      Most people wont see that shes the problem here & not the victim.

      Delete
    2. God bless you anon, poster please talk to God there is nothing too hard for Him to do.

      Delete
  7. What exactly does serious compatibility issues mean? Who is normally the aggressor?
    What kind of permanent damage do you mean? Has it affected you ability to have kids?
    Who has fertility issues? You, him or both?

    Some serious information is missing here. I don't know what to advise sans the answer to these questions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly my point. Some informations are missing here. When she ready to say it all, people will know how to advise her better

      Delete
  8. Try your best to ignite love and passion. You may not find what you're looking for outside expect if you already have someone you have feelings for

    ReplyDelete
  9. Madam you fell out of love! Ofcoursr the marriage will not be the same again...
    Its very difficult for a marriage to survive when theres no love, and you didnt marry your friend so no much to even gist and gist till you revive things, dont think a child will fix things, una na no de kuku do the do sef, abeg do yourselves a favour and seperate.

    ReplyDelete
  10. From what I read, you two have become roommates. You shouldn't be thinking of having sex with someone who has "girlfriends"

    There can be a change tho. Give your marriage one last try. Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. You must have loved him enough to have married him when he had nothing. Reignite that fire.

    If you're the only one making efforts and he's not flinching, you might consider stepping out and having your peace and happiness

    If he responds positively, he should get tested for every jedijedi. Good luck!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. The best thing you should do first, go to God in prayers. Commit your marriage into God hands, Read Matt 7:7, PS 50:15. God will give unto you perfect direction on what to do and make your marriage work again. Don't give up yet! Build your home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is this the Pastor Jude from/at Nsukka?

      Delete
  12. Why lady did you bring trouble into this "good man's" life? You said you weren't in love with him and agreed to marry him, so what changed.
    Let me tell you the phase; The earth cannot bear under a woman void of love; Proverbs 30:21. You were the one that set your house on fire and you are asking us if you should run away? If you aren't running away, it means you've got the ability and tools to quench that fire you set up.
    Not having a child is part of your grouse but having sex "three times" in a year is not a way to TTC; is it?
    Even though you did not tell us, you sef fit dey eye another man. If you waka commot from ya marriage so, na only you go waka come o. Any dude wey dey wish you plenty things, if ya heart dey the way e dey so, na disaster you go waka enter so.
    You and your man need to sit down come yarn whether na so una go dey live abi whether una way quench fire come find peace; udo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What I see here is a man pushed to the wall by this ungrateful woman.

      Delete
  13. Na karma dey deal with you. Go and face your karma

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am not a fan of divorce but separation at this time is not a bad idea. Poster I will advise you guys to separate for some time. Use that period to rediscover yourself. Gather more certificate or learn a skill as the case may be. Try to build up yourself financially. Always have a fash black of the love you guys once shared. Also remember the bad times. Weigh two of them and take a decision. Meanwhile know it that most marriages where children are yet to come there are always misunderstanding. They say patience is a virtue. It will surely end in praise. Goodluck.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Left 2 weeks ago, and loving every bit of it. Just get ready to have friends and family around when you leave and you will be fine, and have a good paying job. Infact, i dont know why i had not left since things got mucky. Now that i left, every single relationship in my life that is bringing bad vibes, i cut it out, this includes family and friends.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Find a way talk to him about adoption, adopt a baby trust me it has a way of mending alots of crack in marriage ,try surrogacy, above all give your life to Jesus Christ become a born again, trust me there's light @ the end of this tunnel, been a born again will help you control your anger, pray more & talk less, God gat you & he will perfect it, yours is 8yrs my aunts own is 15yrs, hubby got side chick pregnant on their 12th yrs of ttc, but today she has 2girls & a boy, she became a born again, things start changing in her life

    ReplyDelete
  17. Madame even if we still advice u will do ur mind,so no need let's oda bvs advice u

    ReplyDelete
  18. I read a book once on why we act the way we do on temperaments and all. You can't live with every dick Tom and Harry in a marriage oo. Find the person that compliments your temperament if not in the long run there will be issues. I've been observing couples on this and it's true.

    Madam Pele , when couples find out they are not compatible, it's either they learn to tolerate each other in most cases the kids keep them in the marriage or they look aside. In your own case you are still believing God for a baby, you need a supportive somebody by your side.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Love is very important in a marriage that's why am praying to get married to a man that I will have chemistry with. So far there's no love in the marriage and domestic violence is witnessed in the marriage. Abeg leave the marriage,start your life from the scratch and take your time before falling in love.I can't marry someone I don't love and I don't believe the love will grow in marriage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yaba left escapee4 April 2019 at 16:01

      Love also fades and washes away in a marriage, there should be a balance with other pillars holding a marriage, love being one of the pillar ofcourse.

      Delete
  20. Please work on your marriage, your pregnancy will come trust God. Be patient and your husband will come around.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Pele, Poster. There are questions that I would have loved to ask you sha. Well, I don't believe in anyone raising their hands on me, that is something that I don't forgive but did you hut him first when you snapped??

    Are you sure that he doesn't have a Child outside by now?
    Since there is something that you are still holding on to in the marriage, try and have a heart to heart talk with him, hear him out then you will know what step to take next. Whether to stay, be separated or outright divorce.
    I value my peace of mind so much and I won't trade it for anything . Best of luck.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Why do we stay in unhappy marriages? Why are We Nigerians like this? why can't we move on from situations that makes us unhappy because of society?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They wont because they live very false lives...

      Delete
  23. My dear, marriage isn't a bed of roses. Everything in our lives we get to manage, you manage having a big tummy by wearing things to hold it in, excetra excetra.

    There are times like this in marriage when u completely fall out of love with your spouse and ask your self why u married them in first place.

    There are times you wake up and thank God for making them your missing rib.
    These times always come in marriage.
    Don't leave him pls. You will regret it.

    Since the beatings have stopped, u instigated it from your post.

    Don't force to communicate or love him again, it will come back I assure u.
    There is absolutely nothing out there.
    Manage your home and marriage.

    In life everything is managed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She never loved him, please read well next time.

      Delete
    2. Nonsense so its oke for the man to beat her chaaiii. See the way you said it' since the beatings have stopped'. You people should give advice like its your family members asking for it.

      Delete
  24. This one strong o. Make your move. This is no relationship, no love,no marriage. No children, nothing, u just cohabiting. It is well.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Hmmmm. This is hard. The beatings have stopped Stella, so it can't be the reason for leaving.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Tell him you want to leave. His reaction and action afterwards should determine your next move. I think you both need to have a discussion about a temporary separation and why. After that, get some air for about a year. If there's improvement, then go back and make your marriage work. Nigerian men are really not that different from each other. I don't know that there's any romantic one to be honest. You are idealizing love, romance and marriage with imaginary men. You would squint to find those types of men. Anyway, I wish you good luck. Whatever your decision is, you would surely be fine. If he is a beater, leave oo!! I forgot that part, lol. Madam pack your bags and exit!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Madam I think you should leave...

    ReplyDelete
  28. Poster, kindly apply what Wednesday chronicle poster did.
    I am sure God will give you direction on what to do, change, act and react.
    As for your kinds, you will surely have them.
    For with God, all things are possible.
    It's well w u.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Sweetheart, you got me at "I have completely fallen out of love with him" but you were never really in love with him, no? Marriage with the love of your life can still be challenging so I can't even imagine being in a marriage with a man I barely like let alone tolerate. That's why I keep telling my single darlings, if you aren't madly in love with a man, please don't consider marriage. There's no such thing as learning to love, at best you settle into the routine, accept your fate then console yourself that "marriage is overrated". That is so not true when you are in a happy marriage with a man who loves you and you love him right back.

    The danger with this type of chronicle is, it is onesided and you can't get an honest assessment. Darling, when you stated that you snapped, what exactly did you mean? Because you ended up stating that you were physically abused and more or less disfigured. I'm kinda confused, typically the person who snaps does the physical abuse. I think it's safe to say you are a threat to him as well as he is to you so it's best the marriage ends. One of the worst things that can happen in a loveless marriage is for a wife to "snap" on her abusive husband. Either or both of you will kill the other. Divorce trumps murder any day.

    Perhaps not having kids is now a blessing in disguise, it will make the divorce less complicated. It's not fair to remain miserable in a loveless marriage, free him so he can get a woman who will love him and you will get the man of your dreams. Sweetheart, you never loved him and it only got worse 8 years later. Are you willing to risk your future on the premise of " it is a phase"? Was the domestic violence also a phase? Why stay in a "toxic" marriage, probably bring a child or two into the mix and end up divorced or dead?

    Darling, I understand the emotional acrobatics and indecisions of "to be or not to be", but you have to make up your mind and be ready to deal with the consequences. If you are this torn, chances are the marriage isn't as bad as you make it sound. Trust me, if you are in a dreary situation, your bags would have been packed eons ago. From what you've written, you are both at risk remaining married. You should stay married only for the right reasons and not for window dressing. It's your life after all. Choose wisely.

    e-hugs and kisses.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Poster please go to God in prayers, he can turn things around for you... seek the presence of the Holy Spirit first before having a talk with your husband.... things can change for the better if you commit to God. Don’t give up yet!!! Pray untill you’ve exhausted all options, God still does miracles...

    ReplyDelete
  31. If you both had children; would the love go dim? Me thinks both of you are hurting and deeply saddened that 8 years together has not given you the joy both wanted. Now, you are doubting yourself, that is why you seek advice on SDK.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes children does not bring or keep couples get that...

      Delete
  32. Sepreated from him for a while and see if u will miss yourselves

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Tenth
      You don carry work give sic. spanner? Ngwanu
      That ya first word there don confuse my spanner true true.
      Okay, you dey advice make this sisi poster come offload her oga on top?
      Abeg make you SEPARATE and divorce that kin yarns from ya mind.

      Delete
  33. sad that many married women are as lonely and as single people. That must really hurt. I can feel the pain of that woman and many women. I hope Nigerian men realise that they are mere mortals, not gods. Happy for the poster that she left and bettered her life. Sometimes you need to leave an unhealthy environment to prove to those who treat you badly that you can thrive without them. Wives are human beings, not domestic help or suffering and shock absorbers

    ReplyDelete
  34. Nigerians are desensitised to beating and that’s a problem. The fact that people are trying to find excuses is problematic. That’s an automatic red flag. Even if you’re rude he’s your husband you can be rude. Afterall no one will justify you slapping your husband if he was rude to you or even your parents. At this point you have to leave. It seems like he’s insecure or a narcissist and is perhaps going out of his way to elicit a reaction from you. He will only do things more over the top to keep testing his boundaries. And because you don’t care it’s driving him crazy. Nothing can fix that except you both decide to settle into the routine of an uneventful but loveless marriage with set rules and regulations everyone must respect.

    People always scare women into staying in bad marriages but the truth is no one marries faster than a woman that has been married before. Maybe there’s no wrong with trying marriage multiple times till you get it right, and we’ve been doing it wrong. And many of these women do go on to find love and happiness. Be a bit patient, but if after a month or two of separation and praying and things aren’t better. Think about it. Weigh your options: if you care what your family thinks, if they’ll be there for you, if you are ready to damn the social and economic consequences for a short while.

    Endurance and submission don’t cure death from domestic violence or HIV from a cheating spouse. Many Nigerian wives have HIV which is why Nigeria is number 1 for most children in the world born with HIV. Don’t become a statistic

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Best advice after stellas

      Delete
  35. I can tell from your write up, you're the one that raise your hand first before he retaliates.
    We fight everyday, means you're the problem but you don't want to say that.
    Leave if you want to and let the man sort himself out.

    ReplyDelete

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