Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

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Friday, October 25, 2019

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

Hmmmmmm.....







STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
INTER RACIAL RELATIONSHIP


Hello Stella,


I am a Nigerian that has lived abroad for about 2 years now. I started dating my white boyfriend about a year ago. We are in love and things are getting very serious and we are planning on taking the next steps. 

Issue now is my boyfriends parents are middle class, have their own home and are comfortable. This means his money is strictly his money. His culture also doesn’t encourage giving friends and family money. 

Me on the other hand is the ‘shinning star’ in my family. I have to send money every month home to my parents and also have to spend here and there when extended family and friends are in need.

My boyfriend and I went on a holiday last year which was fun and he’s already planning another one this year. The issue now is I made some investments in Nigeria middle of the year and also planning to send money home to sort out some huge financial needs. This means I can’t afford to travel on a holiday this year. This bothers my boyfriend especially about our long term plans as I won’t be able to do several stuff which normal people here do because of my family responsibility. He usually pays more for whatever we do because he earns more but I still have to bring in my part.


 He also asked if my parents have health insurance and I said they don’t. This worried him as he interprets it to mean i am going to go completely broke if one of my parents have a really bad sickness which requires lots of money which we all forbid, but these things happen.

 All these are making him worried that despite the fact I earn, I may become a liability on him with my family issues.

I guess the question here is whether BVs have had this kind of issues with dating/marrying people from different cultures and how they manage the ‘black tax’ issues. Should I keep letting him know about money I send home? Should I hide these from him?


On a lighter note, how do you guys also cope with spiciness of foodstuffs relationships? My bobo cannot handle spicy foods which makes things hard sometimes. He also does not like my soups same way I hate Mac and cheese, chickpeas etc. Thank God he loves jollof rice. Lol
Thanks





*You are lol-ing but you have a problem on your hands my dear,a problem that will be the same reason you divorce...
If he does not understand why you are doing what you are doing or is worried about you giving then both of you are like oil and water trying to mix...did you say he loves you?he doesn't love you enough!!!

Remember you are marrying into another race and culture?if he does not understand you or your food there is wahala.

My husband comes from a middle class fam too with same rules but he helped out in EVERY WAY in the beginning..he would ask questions and i would answer and he would do it...he paid school fees and provided for me to send money home when i didn't have my own back then...he made it easy....
I have friends who married whites and were so in love but divorced for same reasons you just wrote up there..if you hide money matters,the day he finds out he walks....

If food is a problem then make yours and his or take out what he does not like since you are the one cooking....IF YOU MARRY him,you will adjust your kitchen to suit your environment with time.

It is good to split money when dating but a man who loves you and can afford it,will not let you spend a dime when he is with you and this has nothing to do with colour......Check well before you take a step further with that man...If he does not understand now,he never will......

92 comments:

  1. Let me date a white man first. I'll come back to give an advise

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poster you both are not compatible,plz read Stella's advice 4 _5 times please

      Delete
    2. what da fuck? I always stand with white people on this issue. Africa is messed up. Why should a grown man or woman send money to another grown man Or woman? he only condition I may agree to send or give money to anybody is only for health reasons. Even at that I always advise people to do health insurance. Black people are too lazy abeg.

      Delete
    3. Her parents are in Nigeria. What insurance are you on about again? Comprehension is key! I doubt you are white! Mtchewwww

      Delete
  2. You have a lot of chronicles to write 'shinning star'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No compatibility at all. Any man who as much as questions what I send to my family, is a big NO for me.
      This one go let e wife come Nigeria come see her family so ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฟ‍♀️ Na wa.

      Delete
    2. ur man is clearly uninformed and i guess u didnt explain things to him,my man is white too and trust me this man is always nd ever ready to help me,he sees ny family as his and we aint even married yet,anytime i randomly give him happenings in my family,this guy asks me if there is any way he can help..This is to show someone that is serious,he knows our cultures are different nd he is ever ready to learn,man doesnt mind paying my bills and apologises sometimes when he gives me money,nd yes his parents can afford their bills and more because they are professionals in their field,he is the type that travels to india and all he is looking for is spice as he likes spicy things..I think ur man isnt ready to adjust and is certainly a badthing to start a marriage..Doesnt he travel,doesnt he see the Asians nd indians are also like this,even the persians..Madam talk to ur man nd let him see reasons

      Delete
    3. If I'm honest with you, its either your man is fully supportive he isn't. It also depends whether you're on the same wave length or you are not or else this is something that will cause issues in the long term.

      I'm in a inter-racial relationship and my hubby did not understand why I cared for others. I was very clear and honest about why I was supporting g family members the way I was and although he didn't agree, he respected and supported my decisions. I also respect his views and don't ask him for money or directly ask for financial assistance with my family members.

      However, my hubby regularly contributes towards my family without it being a burden and I guess its because I stick my agreement of whatever I need to take care of in our home and what I do with my extra is up to me.

      If your man is understanding and loves you, it shouldn't worry him but you both need to be clear about who pays what = what percentage you each contribute to the household.

      With regards to food, it would be helpful if you can cook both african and non African food (spicy and not Spicy). It would also be helpful if your man can cook or at least learn to cook what he likes because I'm sure you wont want to be making 2 separate dishes all the time.

      My hubby doesn't like spice but he eats whatever I give him then asks why I add so much spice like I want to punish him. He cooks for himself and the family regularly so there is no issues with food.

      In fact, he now cooks jollof, plantain, he makes stew but not one you will like at all.

      When two people cherish each other and want to make it work, certain things won't matter as you will both be determined to make it work and it will work.

      Delete
  3. I don’t see compatibility here o. Apart from the difference in race, you people are so different and seem like you won’t be tolerant of each other’s “personality/diversity”. I’d be honest, I suspect that your bobo is the kind to date a “black” girl for the aesthetics.

    I know there are many interracial couples that have lasted the test of time but to be honest, I don’t see you both waxing strong with marriage. Enjoy the relationship while you can but these issues are bigger than you think and unless you both are willing to agree on several things before the “I do” then don’t bother. Nothing wrong with splitting cost but for your partner to raise his brows because you have to send money home sometimes then o girl he is not ready.

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    Replies
    1. I usually look forward to your advice and cherish them like the Holy Grail but for the fi‭rst time ever I disagree with you.

      Her boyfriend is a working class guy. Not like the rich expatriates that come to Nigeria.

      She should not expect him to also put his savings into helping her family monthly.

      He is concerned about health insurance because he knows that when it is life or death matter he’d probably have to chip in. Health insurance is widely available in Nigeria now. I suggest you look into getting your parents on a plan. It is very affordable n has lots of advantages. Some as low 3k per month. And when look at what age s covered that’s a steal.

      I also recommend you split your salary monthly three ways.
      1. Me account
      2. Family issues account
      3. Trips n entertainment w/ boyfriend account

      Put aside a savings fund for the trips n other things you want to do with your husband. Then a second account with a set amount which goes towards family issues.
      Now you must never dip into the boyfriend savings funds for family issues. You simply ask them to wait until the family saving fund is replenished before sending additional funds.

      Same way u cannot take from family issues account to fund an outing expense with your man.

      As for the vacay this year be honest with him. Let him know you can’t afford it. But, you have plans so you’d never have to miss out on another couples getaway trip. Consider a part-time job once a week if that will help.

      What’s to say even a Nigerian man, even from your village will not have hang-ups about the amount you are spending on your family or he would be okay with contributing esp. since you are considering a future together with kids n all.

      As for the food thing stop making a mountain out of a molehill. When eating Jollof rice make his. When it comes to Ogbono, have his Mac n cheese ready.
      Other options of foods you can eat together: Jollof spaghetti, fried plantain, coconut rice,
      Get creative ๐Ÿ’ก. Lastly get dried ground pepper from an Africa store. When sprinkled generously on mac n cheese you will think u are eating at iya calabar’s restaurant.

      Don’t lose a good relationship over these insignificant stuff. Take every opportunity to educate him about your culture. Good Luck.

      Delete
    2. Poster my sister dated and married a white guy. She is the first child and you know how that can be In a Nigerian home especially when the first child is part of the people contributing to the family.
      While dating her bf would help my sister and also help us with whatever he has to assist. Infact trust me when these white guys wants to help, they help without expecting anything in return.
      Even now they are married, sure he Dsnt have so much and his family is also middle class but there was no issue of money this or that. He sends my mom her monthly allowance whenever he has.
      Except if you didn’t tell him how it goes in your family from the beginning. This isn’t a lol matter for real. Before he starts insulting your lineage. Guy is already thinking ahead of you, you are asking for compatibility.

      Delete
    3. @17.33 damn it seems stressful already! Three different accounts??? What if they end up getting married? That one na another joint acct for household items/family. Poster think well to see if it’s worth it. I only have two Accts. A personal and joint/savings checking acct with my husband. Personal is to do whatever with my money after making household contribution and also save. When we say marriage, it means we are one! All these diff acts for what naw ahn ahn. Una no ready for marriage o.

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    4. Anon 17:33

      I love you...

      Delete
    5. 17:33, so she won’t have any savings for the rainy day? 3 accounts? Really? Lol. She better not be in the States, by the time bills will start rolling in, she will turn that 3rd account to her savings account.

      Delete
  4. Stella is in the best position to advice you here and she has done so, just take heed to her wise counsel.

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  5. Stella has basically covered it.

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  6. Wawu!
    My friend, Naija girl don catch abroad white dude? ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ E good o.
    But make I ask my ajuju n'ese okwu o
    You say una dey plan next step?
    He don propose abi you pro๐Ÿค๐Ÿค๐Ÿค
    Make we leave that one
    Nne, two of una don't seem to be getting close to being one o
    seeing that you still do not know each other and the peculiarities of your cultures. You seem to know a bit of his but he does not know yours at all chaa chaa ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š
    And nne, "normal people there" must not go on vacations every year; must they?
    And this dude that earns more and cannot even pay for a vacation for you (assuming he has proposed and if that must be done), onwekwara k'odi -e get as e be o.
    Okay, "normal people" there do they also (steal) fork while in courtship?
    Do they shoot off babies when they get belle before marriage? Yes, since you both now go on vacations together and so on?
    Ajuju n'ese okwu ooo.
    ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is a serious one. You know their mentality is different from ours.
    If you start hiding from him what you send home to your parents, that would be a serious problem.
    Neglecting your parents won’t be the best idea, cos from what you wrote up there, you’d do anything for your man.
    As for the food stuff, you can balance it by reducing your spicy food. Learn to like some of his too. Things we do for love ๐Ÿ˜
    I hope he’s endowed in that department like our brothers here ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What is so hard in reducing the spiciness of food. It is not the pepper that makes food taste good, it's the flavoring. As I get older my stomach rebels against spicy food, something I was able to handle when I was younger, now I cannot stand it. Also, are there not dry dishes that can be prepared. Even ppl from a particular culture do not like every dish, so him not liking the soups is not strange. I am sure there are many native Nigerians who don't like soups either, plus you may not be a good cook, who knows.

      Take Stella's advice. Some men do not want any stress in their lives, your man sounds like the type. He also sounds like someone who will not sacrifice himself beyond a certain point and only for specific reasons that are under his code of living. Your cultures are very different and if you cannot meet together in understanding then you will have to go your separate ways. Marriage does not solve problems it only makes them worse. If you cannot resolve these issues you will have to part. You must have that conversation where all cards are laid out on the table.

      Delete
    2. Poster if this was a naija guy giving you all these plenty SOS and don'ts you for don Japan since dey curse am abi.. Na now Oyingbo you want to give it a try.. Well if you are dating for the Pali just endure and when you get it you sef japa and come back to what you are used to.. Thinking out loud that ANG might not be wrong afterall. Good luck

      Delete
  8. Hey, i do not live in Nigeria as well, so this is common. Even with my Nigerian boyfriend we have a bit of cultural differences. Its only normal. Many Americans/some Europeans dont just get that we need to do things for our parents and extended family. My Hispanic/Asian friends ate like us, cus they do the same with their families. All i can say is try to explain to him how important your family is to you, n most important you know when to draw the line so family isn't taking advantage of you. Think he is scared you may be the type to soak Garri and send all your money home!( pls dont be that type) . While you should care for your parents/family. Pls live your life, they lived theirs. Be selfish with your life sometimes. You work hard, you deserve to enjoy a vacation once a year without feeling guilty.
    All the best. With the food jollof rice is good enough. N Mac and Cheese is bae!!! LoL . Thats heaven on earth for me. He wont eat all naija food in a year. Or two. It takes time.
    Wish you the best girl!

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  9. I like your advice Stella. It is spot on.

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  10. How about you stop carrying your family matter like gala? Remember you will start your own family soon? You cannot be carrying all these load when children starts coming in.... You even carry am reach extended family! I raise Beyonce breast for you!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @aproko queen ...what are you saying??
      so because she's marrying a white girl she shouldn't send money to get family again..SMH

      Poster..if that man is not ready to carry the "baggage" that comes with you then he's not worth it.The way whites see things is different from the way we see things as Africans.The believe...Talk to him about it...tell him it's your responsibility,You guys have to come to an agreement now,if not you will always fight about it in marriage.

      Delete
    2. Man's not nice.... did i mention about marrying a whiteman? Even if she marry a black man it's still the same thing! Only her carry her family reach extended family? As a *shining star*.

      The truth is bitter, when she starts having children you think it will be easy?

      Delete
  11. Gbam! Your advice is everything Stella! Like you nailed it completely but I can bet that this woman won’t take your advice . Let’s watch.

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  12. Spot on Stella.

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  13. Poster, Stella has said it all please take her advice, she understands 'oyibo' things wella

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  14. What I read here sounds like a business transaction and not a relationship based on love at all.

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    Replies
    1. Haaa! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ต

      Delete
    2. Seconded- business transaction alert. Its all good when the going is good.

      Delete
  15. stella has hit the nail on the head. you will divorce faster than the speed you took yo say yes to that man if you dont listen. as minute as it seems they are huge. these are trust fund kids and you are there sending money to all and saundry in naija. he doesnt get it. i lf i were you..i would listed to stella and apply break till yhe elephand in the room has been cleared. dont be in a haste. make you no rush go marry come rush out..you hear me ..ok o

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  16. Madame koinkoin aka the 'peace maker'25 October 2019 at 15:18

    Wow I just love Stella 's reply on this chronicle. Poster please check well before you chook head if you can bear it all before you both take things to the next level , Goodluck.

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  17. When you are in a relationship with someone who loves you UNCONDITIONALLY, you won't have to worry about all these. If you are worried that your BF would have a problem with all these, then there is a HUGE "BUT" in your relationship and you need to fix it or get out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The fact that she is calling him "a boyfriend" and not a fiance and talking about "serious relationship going to next step" means that
      she is the only one seeing marriage here. The boy is satisfied with the cookies and that's all.

      Delete
  18. Sdk just yarn my friends Naija girls the truth o;
    Love is not selfish, does not seek his own, 1 Cor. 13:5
    But ha amakwaranu ihe bu love -do they know what love is?
    Ajuju ooo
    For them love na fork o ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ
    Ngwanu, make una shoot una arrows give sdk and see America wonder;
    all una comments go dey enter straight into that place una dey call
    "sperm" (folder) fiaaaaaaaaaam! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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  19. White or black, my dear that man doesn't love you enough

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    Replies
    1. True, this is not about being white biko. I live and work in the abroad too. But when oyibo is into you for the long run, genuinely, you wouldn't be having this headache.

      Please do ignore people that will tell you to be selfish and forget your relatives. Your parents are partly your responsibility. As you are jetting about, I hope you have enough savings and investments already, not just saving from one holiday to another.

      Please be true to yourself and don't abandon all you know because of oyibo, he will dump you as easily as he thinks he can't cope.

      Delete
    2. 15:47 you live *abroad* not *in the abroad*.

      Poster get health insurance and life assurance policy policies for your parents.

      Let your boyfriend know you are obligated to take care of your parents and send them monthly or quarterly upkeep.
      Keep the extended family giving to twice a year.

      Court this guy well and discuss everything, your expectations and his to be sure you two can walk together.
      You seem lost in the euphoria of new found love like someone drunk on new wine.
      Of course culture plays a role but love makes sacrifices.
      Switch on your common sense. You just might not be compatible or communicating

      You would do well to heed Stella's advice.

      Delete
    3. 17:21 you are certainly a new bv. "in the abroad" is a slang for sdk bvs living abroad.

      Delete
  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    Replies
    1. A swirler..aww! Most white men are liberals but they are terribly frugal and believe in individual money so i see why he's skeptical about your funds especially if he isn't trust fund rich.

      Explain to him about your investments and it's intending returns without compromising your quota to your family cos that part he won't fully grasp. You don't want to feel guilty for catering for your family or neglecting them for your partner.

      As for food, I agree with Stella. Make yours separate at least til you both come to a compromise. Happy swirling, sis.

      Delete
    2. Perx I like you but I don’t advise explaining to him about her investments. Let’s not say because he’s white he can’t also be a user. If he’s worried about her not being able to go on the vacation, let him do something about it. She said herself that she contributes for the vacation once in a while, that’s a very lovely lady up there. Her investments should be her privacy. Until she’s married to him, she can disclose her investments to the guy. Cause from the looks of it, this guy May also have investments and may not be telling her for the fear that she’d want to send his money home to mama.

      Delete
  21. Just to remind you family is everthing most especially ur mum,dad and siblings.
    But from what i know i can't trade the affore mention for love. I cant stand any man that will forbid me from helping my parents and siblings. Yes am talking from experience, i cant stand my love ones being in pain and watch them helplessly bcx of a man.

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  22. Compatibility issues, is not always just about love.

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  23. I understand your situation. I’m married to an African-American and we had or sometimes have the same problem. I told my husband to let me worry about my family. I work two jobs(just weekends). And my real job, the money I make from my weekend job is what I send to Nigeria. I also try not to carry everybody issue for my head because I don’t want to create dependency. And I want my family to be able to figure things out on their own without calling me first because if I no dey Wetin dem go do?

    Your boyfriend has a valid point, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. You also sound like you are still trying to figure your own life. Sometimes it’s okay to say no to people, and people might hate you for it. That’s okay, because if you no get, you no get who go give you. You just need to learn to create boundaries, do what you can and let God handle the rest.

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  24. Sis,listen to me and listen to me good! The both of you are incompatible. Do not go on with the marriage because it would definately end sooner than you expect. I have been in your shoes in fact I was born and raised in the UK by Nigerian parents. I was seriously warned but I thought people did not understand and were "backwards". You are going to have huge issues with him except you TOTALLY cut off your family and friends. You haven't even dated for a while. You might think the culture thing is trivial but it would be the end of your marriage especially when children come. You have only lived abroad for 2 years, you barely know what the culture is like, you haven't assimilated into his,neither he into yours. Its all fun and games now till the marriage happens. Divorce is NOTHING to caucasians. You won't be able to call family meetings, he won't feel the need to impress your family etc. Its only a Caucasian steeped in African culture, willing and ready to assimilate for interracial marriage to work. You have been warned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poster, listen to Stella and read the comment above and digest it.

      You have been warned!

      Delete
  25. I must marry oyibo syndrome. Madam no worry your suffer just start....

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  26. Poster I understand your predicament, but this whitey is not for you, most white men I've seen that really loves a woman they are dating, giving becomes a second nature to them, they take your family as their own and make sure they are always happy, this one that is compelling to choose between him and your family, when he has not even made proper commitment towards you, nor follow at all!

    I met my whitey, when I also went aboard for a greener pastures, my dear my family was so poor even the poor laugh call us too POOR, until a rich friend of mind helped me with lottery and God favoured me I won, when I got there I work tirelessly just to help my family, until I met my husband, he came to the restaurant where I wash dishes and I just finished my shift then we both met, this man pester me for long and I had this mentality of I can't date whites only black because of cultural difference, he didn't give up, long story short, we both fell in love and a year after that we were married, hubby made sure he enrolled me in a school, when I told him I can't school exclusively because of my responsibility at home, a told to make a list of who needs things at the end of the month and he will send them money even add tip to the stipulated amount, even when my dad became greedy and was talking of building a house which made us really quarrel bitterly then, hubby never complain he told my Dad what he could afford every month for the project until my dad completed his storey building, he help my immediate elder brother with his Visa, that's how my family left poverty.

    Why I'm I telling this long story, is not to disgrace myself or you, but to tell you love is giving and any man who loves and shun your struggles is not worthy of your love in the first place. your boyfriend must not be a (Father Christmas) like my hubby, but making you feel you are wrong for helping your family is evil manipulation, I pray you will able to pick advice that will work for your good today.

    Stelz and bvs please pardon any typo๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘

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    Replies
    1. Waooo!Love ur story.God bless ur hubby he is a good man!U are very right, love is giving, when someone loves u,ur problems becomes theirs.

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    2. 17.06 does their problem become yours though? Love is reciprocal.

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    3. Waooooooooo waooooooooo i love your comment ๐Ÿ˜

      Delete
    4. I think your hubby was very rich and generous too, and we shouldnt expect that standard for every man in love. However i also think this man in question sounds slightly manipulative or just pure ignorance. Use your head poster, dont disclose everything and also dont put your family issue on your head too much, so you dont get exhausted

      Delete
  27. Look, most ppl of African descent operate differently. Family members can live with us at the drop of a hat, helping each other financially is normal. The ones who are doing better in life always help the ones who are not thriving as well. We are different from whites in many ways and a lot of what we do won't make sense to them. Your man has to understand that you were raised in a completely different culture and the way you view the world is different from him. Do you plan on cooking two different meals for the rest of your life if you marry him? Will you ignore the needs of your parents? Will your home not be open to anyone should needs be? Will your money be tied up in your life in Europe? You will need to ask yourself exactly how much of your identity you are willing to erase to make this relationship a success. Remember, while you are going to have to change who you are fundamentally your man will get to be himself. This is a great sacrifice of self and only you can decide if a man, and this particular man is worth it. While you ponder on that also ask yourself how much of a sacrifice you have made for God, if any.

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  28. NO STELLA IS NOT RIGHT.
    It is funny you all think that your Nigerian mentality is valid and also expect a western man to think like you and criticise his own reasoning. Here people plan their life and take out insurance for any liabilities they may encounter. Parents have health insurance and pension and are not a burden to their children.
    Poster, he has a right to be worried about your parents becoming a burden but should not tell you not to help them. I am female and Nigerian living in Germany and will also be worried if my boyfriend/husband has same burden. Between mortgage payment and investments, all income has been budgeted and no one wants their emergency funds eaten up by situations not in their control. Health insurance is available in Nigeria now, instead of just sending money home, study the situation and set up covers in place for situations that might come up. Buy them health insurance and even set up mutual fund account for them and maybe pay in 40k in there every month which shouldn't be much if you earning in a foreign currency, this can add to their pension if they have any. Talk to him if you guys are that committed and come up with a permanent solution. His worries are valid and shouldn't be ignored.
    And a man not letting you spend your money is not a sign of 'true love' and someone 'not loving you enough'. Let's try and lose that mentality whereby you and your partner work but he spends his money on your upkeep and you keep yours. IT IS SELFISH. He can buy you gifts and your should return the favour. He can pay for your vacation as a birthday gift but it is not his duty to always do that. In this modern day that we all scream and fight for equality, some of us, even in the western world still have all sorts of sense of entitlement because we are women. SMH

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    Replies
    1. Ding-Ding
      Finally som one who read patiently and understands the situation. Thank you. Great advice.

      Delete
    2. Yes, whether or not you marry this guy, you should definitely look into putting something structured, like insurance, in place for your family so that you have a good sense know how much is going to go out each month. He's not afraid simply because of cultural differences. The truth is, no one, black or white, enjoys living with the strain of financial uncertainty hanging over their heads. African culture may have 'normalized' it, but no one truly wants to have sudden financial shocks hitting them because somebody got sick, etc. Don't use 'black tax' as an excuse not to put your life on the best financial course possible.

      Also, while it may feel good to be considered by others as a shining star, please re evaluate the giving you are doing, especially to 'extended family' and 'friends'. Are you helping or subsidizing? Are you doing it even if you suspect the need is not real, simply to keep up appearances and avoid being badmouthed? Are you doing it out of false responsibility, because you are now abroad? They didn't die before you went abroad and they won't die now. No one will every say no to free money, but you may need to start teaching some people to fish instead of giving them fish. Remember, the day you run out and can no longer be a person's shining star, they'll just move on to the next bank machine.
      Plan your future. Secure your life. That way you can be the best to others, and to yourself.

      Delete
    3. I agree with you Anon 16:26. I don't know why everyone is hyperventilating. That yours worked out a certain way doesn't mean hers will work out the same way. I haven't seen anything wrong with what boyfriend said. His concerns are valid and I didn't read anywhere you wrote that he's complaining. You're the one making all the assumptions. Communicate your expectations for the future and if you can't reach middle ground, then yes reconsider moving forward. But don't throw a good thing away when you don't have all the facts yet.

      Delete
  29. I've been living in the UK for ten years, and NO LOVE OR MAN I REPEAT NO LOVE OR MAN will make me to stop sending money home to my mum and siblings (in times of need. my siblings all have jobs but sometimes there is need for extra financial help, like in terms of sickness) My mum is on monthly allowance from me. I don't care what other siblings give to her, all I know is that my mummy must chop my own money and nothing will stop that unless I don't have money.

    This issue you wrote up is a very big one, and I will implore you to please ensure you have a sit down talk with him, talk about finances and expectations from home before you commit. Do not have marry this man without having this talk and agreeing on something. With oyibo, you must declare your salary ooooo. All letters come to the house, your aproko bank will always write to you, and that promotion letter plus salary increase from work must come in a written form to your address. No hiding place for money. So please make it clear to him now before you commit.

    Do not listen to anyone that family isn't everything, family is everything! My oyibo colleagues will always wonder at how I buy stuff and pay for extra luggage when I'm trying. If my mum and dad no chop life wetin I gain.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True true jare, if our 'then useful' parents no chop life when we are alive and making small money wetin person gain. I don't send them money monthly since they can survive on their own. I just save whatever I should give them monthly and hand it over to them by the beginning of the next year. The money comes in handy and they prefer it that way, since they can do the big expenses from that, like changing their car and all that.

      Delete
  30. He doesn't love you enough.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Please follow Stella’s advice

    ReplyDelete
  32. He does love you . if he loves he will adjust! His white supremacist is still disturbing him! I hope he's cute not a weirdo.

    ReplyDelete
  33. You are already seeing the signs. Please, think well before you make a decision that will change your life forever. All the best.

    ReplyDelete
  34. How about having a discussion with him about all the points you raised? You might be surprised he will see reason(s) with you.

    Difference in race or tribe is not a barrier to a happy marriage but it being misunderstood. Assumptions do not help either. Bring all to the table faced up. Dialogue is supreme.


    ReplyDelete
  35. Madam pls dump that stingy oyibo man cos he will stress you tire

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He is very stingy; some oyinbo men are like that but the once I know that love black women spend on them and PAY ALL THE BILLS.

      Poster I have an oyinbo friend NOT boyfriend o JUST FRIENDS AND nothing sexual between us AT ALL but the guy is in love with me but i no want am and i tell him always. He doesn't care and begs and begs to just take care of me, he enjoys giving me his money. He tells me everyday that he loves me, i tell him i dont love him and can't date him because i want black kids like me. He doesnt want sex or anything and thats the truth. He just wants to be looking after me.

      This guy pays 2 bills a month for me. Infact this month he has paid 3 and just sent me another 100 pounds cash.

      My Christmas and bday present he buys it yearly hehe if i wanna go on holiday he gives me holiday money.

      This guy only dates black girls and is NOT stingy at all. So find another oyinbo o this one no follow sis.

      Delete
    2. 18.12 you are just a user. See mentality!

      Delete
    3. The guy only date black girls? Then he doesn't love you he simply has a fetish.

      Delete
    4. Anon 18:12 hmmm be careful oo. The day you leave him he might say it’s either him or no one. All this spending on you and you continue to take his money hmmm. Just be very careful. Some Oyinbo people sabi love a little too hard sometimes.

      Delete
    5. I don't care or need his love and i make that very clear to him. I also make it clear i only date black guys.

      I also don't need anything from him but he insist infact i make more money than him. He refuse to take leave me alone re helping me so i let him. He begs to help me so i let him.

      Most say 80% of his gfs have been black but he makes it clear he likes dating black girls. His fetish is for his own pocket as long as he doesn't cross the line with me we are good.

      Delete
    6. You let him indeed. No is in the dictionary. You want to have your cake and eat it but it doesn't work that way. I hope you don't learn it the hard way.

      Delete
    7. Anon 11:13 there is nothing to learn the hard way mate. Yes I love to eat free cake especially this cake that refuse to accept the word no and refuse to leave me alone. Is God going to come down and help me or is he going to send someone to help me.

      He is fully aware and understands that nothing will ever happen between us because i only date and will marry a black man. He has accepted and made peace with that and he is seeing and dating other girls too.

      Please stop bleeding under my comment; I'm an adult and he is an adult.

      Have a nice day

      Delete
  36. When most decide to date outside their race it is imperative that they put the social contrasts into consideration before giving it a go. like it or not it generally becomes the most important factor that determines the trajectory of your relationship, for You both are from two different worlds and this big issue you are clearly not paying attention to right now is not something you ought to make light of by any means. Who knows similarly as you have come here to bare your hearts out, your sweetheart may have additionally gone on to Reddit to lay his grievances and trust me you wouldn't like the advice he would get from his brethren in the event that you happen to stumble upon it.


    In those days when I saw a Nigerian student and a white man in a relationship, I truly regard the woman because, I know a larger percentage of the time, it's so hard for the monetary angle not to emerge as a hindrance, with the exception that the man himself is a rare breed who wouldn't fuss over such matters, as it is in fewer cases. On the off chance that you believe it's your beau alone who reason along these lines, kindly have a go at dating a different white guy. Though there is always an outlier in every situation and you may find a white man who sees this as a non-issue but it's quite rare. This is not to cast a slur on their kind, yet the majority are like that.


    The first time I left the country I experienced a lot of cultures shocks. And this concern of your was one of them. Sitting at the cafeteria, you would see two lovers stroll to the counter holding hand but the moment they have to pay for their nourishments, their entwined fingers would have a mind of its own and each brings out separate wallets for something as modest as bottled water. You would think the man would offer to pay, think again. Over time I got accustomed to their ways of doing things but I soon realised that their women love to date our men. I was befuddled till a friend pointed it out to me that Nigerian guys are good spenders. So it's a different experience for these girls. I wasn't convinced until I went to the mall and saw "my brother" with two heavy carts and when it was time for them to pay. The Nigerian guy paid for everything and I still met them at popeyes and he paid for that too. Then it dawned on me my friend was right all along.


    I strongly believe if you were dating a Hispanic guy he would have comprehended your plight of having to reach out to your family at home, and urged you to send more money home considering that we are quite similar, talk about culture and values.


    My friend dated a guy from the Dominican Republic and he was extremely supportive. I think it also has to do with their machismo culture. He felt she was his responsibility and never let her spend a dime. They later got hitched and till date, he still goes all out for her. My husband is biracial and I sometimes feel the Nigerian blood running in his veins played a good role in that aspect.


    Poster, I am sorry but I do not see this issue not escalating in the future. He is already complaining, don't overlook this.

    ReplyDelete
  37. A lot of misleading advice here. Poster, sometimes you need to meet each other half way. Everyone here is telling you they married white men who carried them and their families case on his head. This is just a fraction of what is actually happening. Shine your eyes. Some of them married chronic womanizers. Some of them are in open marriages. Some of them married old men. Some of them look like Abgani Darego and married Adams Oshiomole oyibo.
    Forget all these "if a man loves you" talk. It is rare for oyibo to marry another oyibo sef, that is not on the same economic bracket with them. There is something that has to give. You cannot sit there looking like Taiye Taiwo and you want Brad Pitt to come and carry your familys bukata (I am not saying you're ugly o). Look at prince William and Harry with the kind of women they married.
    What are we even saying? If your mum gets diagnosed with cancer and your brother needs a kidney transplant at the same time, what will you do? Oyibo people do not operate on that "it is not my portion" nonsense. They plan and execute as circumstances come along.
    I heard that the NHIS now covers cancer treatment. Investigate and get your parents a comprehensive insurance policy. Accident, life, theft, etc. Can't you open a shop for them? Haba poster. What is wrong with you? Can't you set up one of your siblings to help contribute?
    As per food. First of all, please remove, crayfish, locust beans/opkehe, stock fish and pomo from all your food. Please don't force yourself and culture on this man. You are not Adanna David. You're seeing all these social media interracial couples where the white man or woman has assimilated our culture, eating our food and even speaking the language and that is what I think is hungrying you.
    So what will you do if you still cannot cope? Sit him down when he is in a very good mood tell him you love him and a lot and other sweet things. Then let him know your family background. Tell him what you can do to cushion the impact of any unforeseen circumstances. Ask him if he is okay with what you have just said. If he wants more, think about it. If you cannot meet him half way, tell him that you don't think that both of you are compatible for a long term relationship.
    After the initial love and passion stuff, relationships are demand and supply. If he thinks that he will or can get someone better than you, he will. If he cannot, he will not leave. What are the reasons this man will want to stay with you? Why this man? If not him, why can't you find another? Is he that good? If he's that good, why can't you make small sacrifices? Think!

    ReplyDelete
  38. I found your reference to black tax interesting. If you and your future husband don't put away sufficient money to take care of your own old age needs, your children will be subject to the same black tax.

    ReplyDelete
  39. You all need to be careful with all these fair weather boyfriends. He is already anticipating how any negative situation will affect him. You haven't realised that after child birth you breast ll sag and conditions may change. Shebi u read the last week chronicles of hubby no longer attracted to wife after just one child. I see a selfish boyfriend enjoy this relationship while it lasts.

    ReplyDelete
  40. My husband is white. He was/still is fascinated by our culture. He now tells me when meals aren’t spicy as the previous ones, this is someone that used to eat white rice and ketchup! Lol
    He likes spicy food but not too hot, he wants to help out without even asking. He is currently working on getting my brother over here.
    Like some BVs have pointed out, he sees my family as his, he doesn’t waste time to remind me it’s his family too.
    It’s so hilarious when he repeats things I say in pidgin and igbo...he’s adorable, lol.
    He would tell everyone he’s Nigerian by marriage , I could go on and on.
    This is what you two should really utterly address, it shouldn’t be an issue if he truly understands and if you’re not going overboard with it too. The key is balance!

    ReplyDelete
  41. This isn't a matter to lol. I just shake my head whenever I hear people say "Ooooooh we're so in love." If love was all that was needed for a marriage to work, everyone who get and stay happily married to the first person they fell in love with.

    Your boyfriend has a valid point with health insurance. Is there a reason you haven't gotten it for your parents? What if you lose your job and your parents fall ill?

    'Hate' is a strong word to use for food that's the norm for the person you're dating. I get it if there are some foods on each side that the other doesn't like. I don't understand how that's going to work unless you or he's willing to keep making two sets of meals. My husband is Nigerian but there are things he doesn't eat that I swear by cos they're really healthy. And it's not just hype, I actually feel a difference in my body. I've tried to get him to like and adopt them, but man's not having it. By contrast, there are things he insists on consuming and I wince cos all I can see is the sugar and salt content. Since it's not every single food, we just agree to disagree but the result may be different if it's a case of "Oh, I hate all the foods you like and were raised with" cos some foods are a huge part of who we are. Imagine dating a Yoruba guy and saying you're disgusted by ewedu, or a man trying to be with an Efik girl and he hates afang. And it's not that the cook is bad. At this point, it's not just about personal preferences or health considerations; it's a low-key rejection of the person.

    This is the first time I'm hearing that with a Caucasian love interest, you ALWAYS have to go Dutch on outings. I have an issue with feeling entitled to a man's money but I have Caucasian friends who have no problem paying for stuff from time to time for female friends or women they're dating. And it's not like these guys are super rich, so maybe that's a conversation you need to have.

    Are you the first African your boyfriend has ever known? If yes, introduce him to Nollywood films and other Black folk. How else will he learn that sending money and gifts to parents is just something that we do? He may even be inspired to try it with his own parents.

    If you both are not ready to meet the other halfway and even adjust to make compromises for each other, break up now else you might do so during wedding planning.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Like Stella said... He doesn't love you enough to understand where you come from and what it entails. Today it's health insurance, tomorrow it could be no circumcision for my baby boy or no spanking in my house.
    Is it today that we have started to see interracial marriages and hear success stories about it?
    My brother refused to propose to his wife and told her I won't until you come see my parents/family in their default settings and if there's mutual acceptance then we can take the next step. Sisi arranged her next leave, came down to Nigeria, came to the village (it was August meeting period) and stayed a whole month...1st time of coming to Africa. She saw default setting true true.
    We thought he was taking it too far but we later understood what he was aiming for. Understanding and accepting and appreciating where your intented comes from is paramount.
    Now she makes a mean egusi soup and her jellof skills is fire, appreciates my family and the Igbo culture and what it entails because she understand that it was what moulded the man she fell in love with. If there's a family contribution to make, she's the one that stays on my brothers neck till he makes his own.
    You love him enough, does he? Abi his is determined by if your parents have medical insurance or if you don't have to render financial assistance back home? The same oyibo that will will all their property and money to charities? Ehn yours is also a charitable assistance abi?

    ReplyDelete
  43. For me i have stayed here in Europe for 20yrs the 1st 10yrs i was helping home with the help of My ex husband and My salary My Dear family took advantage of it to the extent of My siblings not doing anything for themselves u Pay school fees in a expensive school they All fail to pass because of partying in the end My ex husband got tired i too then we decided to bring My young Sister big mistake if you People see the way she cd quarrel with my ex husband and abusing him Telling him how she is not poor in africa the man was so disappointed it got to the extent where she cdnt lift a finger to do anything the man was so bitter because he was helping Them he started chatting on Facebook with different women until i filed for a divorce and they My family i helped mocked me and calling me names etc i just moved on and I met a Nice man 7yrs ago he doesnt belive that People shd depend on each other rather work to make yourself confortable. I stopped sending money home i needed to build up myself and do what makes me happy and AM indeed happy about My decisions if family dont apreciate u why kill yourself for Them. I used to work many hrs to send money home at the end of the month there is nothing left for me. Now i enjoy My money with my Kids My husband provides for us though he travel alot he makes sure All is good those i suffered for are now feeling the heat of working and providing for themselves nothing is for free in this world some times families take advantage when you are abroad they dont do anything but wait for manna to fall from heaven.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Such an ungrateful family. Glad you are okay now.

      Delete
  44. I will advice you not to lie. Always tell the truth to your husband no matter how difficult it may be. If he ever finds out you lie about money it may end your marriage. He was sincere and told you how he feels. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He is confuse and trying to understand your culture. Your need wisdom dear.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I'm amused seeing all this talk about if he loved her he will accept all.
    Oyibo man is doing the exact same thing women do.

    On this same blog time and again what I've noticed is that women don't marry for love but open their eyes well and marry the person best placed to provide for them.
    How many women can honestly say they married the man that they loved the most? Marriage honestly doesn't have to do with love alone, so many calculations go into it.

    The oyibo man has dispassionately looked at her family situation and is asking questions about issues that concern him.

    Helping out ones parents and immediate family members is a noble thing, but carrying everyone's matter on your head is not good.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I live in the UK and truth be told , I don’t fancy dating a white man . I have been in a couple of relationships with them but culture difference just irks me . So I jejely stuck to what makes me comfortable. I’m dating a cameroonian guy right now and I’m having the best time of my life .
    That Leicester girl

    ReplyDelete

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