Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

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Monday, August 17, 2020

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

Hmmmmm...............








STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
DIFFICULT SITUATION

Hello Stella, please I need sincere advise on this issue.
I will give as much details as necessary for better understanding and to have a balanced view.


 My husband complains that I do things in isolation which has been the major cause of our quarrels in our less than one year marriage. 

To be honest, the things he has complained about are usually things I do in good faith. For example, some weeks ago I came across a post that talked about the difficulties private school teachers are currently going through due to the covid 19 pandemic. While reading that post, I remembered a teacher living in our neighbourhood and immediately I felt like rendering a little help, so I sent her 5k (I have her account number from a transaction I did with her sometime back). 


I did this anonymously cos I didn't want her to know it came from me and till today even though she sees me often she has never talked about it which makes me believe she doesn't know it came from me. I later told my husband what I did expecting he would commend me but got the exact opposite. He flared up that I should have informed him before doing so. 

Note that we both work and have earnings. I did this from my 'personal purse' per se and not the family purse.


I have no problem informing him but he was not around at the time and I did what I did out of impulse to help someone. We really had a big quarrel and he did not fail to remind me how he made a mistake with the marriage and we should go our separate way. That I am not submissive. Somehow I apologized and we managed to settle it.


Another incident: there is a virtual prayer group I belong to where we pray every morning mostly for families. People from different parts of the world join in this prayer. My husband sometimes joins but not consistent. Recently after prayer, I sent the pastor a private message to remember my family in prayers especially for success in an exam my husband is about to write.


 I told my husband about this, and he flared up again. Then another round of talk of not being submissive and not obeying my husband. Please note that I'm not one of those who run after pastors and churches. I only joined this prayer group cos I connected with the way the pastor prays for families even though he doesn't know most of us and we don't know him personally.


These are just two out of the numerous issues. To be honest, I have made efforts to improve to please him and make our marriage work. I see these as petty issues and not something that should mean I am not being submissive or doing things in isolation. We talk about virtually everything we do but sometimes some things just come up that I react to immediately but always tell him about it.

There was an issue that happened shortly before we got married which he keeps referring to that I betrayed his trust. We needed to travel home to see my people for marriage arrangements and were supposed to travel by road. He gave me his own part of the money for the trip while I was supposed to offset mine. The problem was that I eventually booked one that was slightly cheaper than what we agreed for our return (a Sienna instead of Salon car) even though I booked salon car for going.


 I did this in good faith to save a little money as we had a lot of expenses to plan for then and I thought the Sienna was equally comfortable. I told him after the booking and boom! The quarrel started. 


He said I betrayed his trust and ever since, he never fails to tell me how he cannot trust me with money. This is someone I don't even ask him for money. 


We share almost all our household bills equally and I am always ready to assist financially in the home yet he doesn't trust me with money. It's really a lot in this short time of our marriage (6 months) and I must say I am getting tired of it all.

As it is now, we may eventually go our separate way cos the constant reminder of him making a mistake to marry me because of my being un-submissive is making me lose interest in the marriage and killing the love I have for him.


 I just want to seek advise so it doesn't look like I did not make effort to make the marriage work.

Am I entirely wrong with my actions. Are the issues mentioned above not things that can be overlooked even after apologising. Should they warrant threats of divorce(which I don't have issues with anyway so everyone can have their peace)?

Thanks Stella.




*Your story was really depressing to read...You are married to a petty minded man.just stop telling him certain things.....
The issues you described up there are so petty and not strong enough to shake any relationship...
I dont even know how to advice you,but part of me urges me to tell you that you should have a plan B in case he throws you out one of these days.....

One of these days,please call his bluff and agree with him that you both made a mistake getting married....

141 comments:

  1. Poster the best thing is to be mindful of what you tell him

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nahhhhhhhhh Poster is he from the East? My Ibo brothers are on this table, always want to feel in charge ๐Ÿ’ฏ

      Mature men feel irritated if u don’t do things that u are suppose, chaiiiiii this your Oga is really Petty, Thank God you are working, it would have been worst if he is there financially ๐Ÿ’ฏ

      Delete
    2. Why??

      if he is acting this way now that she is being open with him, can you imagine his reaction when he finds out other things by himself, na dis type they hurt women to 'correct' them

      Delete
    3. He is an egomaniac!

      However, in marriage you guys are one. He has a fickle emotion. Learn to manage his emotions

      If he gives someone money without informing you, will you deeply like that? You may not have a problem if he tells you later; but he does.

      He thinks you guys are team mates and should take off together!

      If you do something spontaneously, just let it go since he doesn't handle it well. Try carrying him along when doing things. Since this is his only problem, help him massage that ego well.

      It won't be easy; but your marriage is young and needs time to be built properly! They will come here and tell you *what da fuck*? But are managing their own situations well at home.

      What he is putting you through is outrightly wrong and unacceptable. But believe me swthrt, he is not accessing it that way. In marriage, you strive to understand your partner beyond what other people see.

      Right now, you see 6 and he sees 9. You can only wisely turn the diagram around so he can see 6 with you or step on his side and see 9 with him.

      All the best

      Delete
    4. Some men don't know the value of what God has blessed them with. If you're telling the whole truth, which I believe you are, then, he should wake up everyday and thank God for the heart you have.

      For the first time in my 5 year old marriage, my husband reported Me to my mum yesterday. Why? I left the house for a couple of days to seek funds through loans from my sister and other legitimate hustles for our rent (of which I sought and obtained his permission much earlier). I left the house with food and even small pocket money. We have two young children. He doesn't work now.

      He never called me all through and would be the first to hang up when I did. Next thing, my mum calls me shouting and crying. I was even confused.
      He told her all sorts of lies. Let me not go into details but I sense serious esteem issues. However, I am only trying to help since I can. If I have ever disrespected him in the last five years, it was less than thrice and definitely not intentional and I am sure I apologized sincerely. I love you o oga and I will continue to pray for us.

      Poster, now you know him better, sift what you tell him or make it a point of duty to 'seek his permission first'. What can I say again?

      Delete
    5. Some men don't know the value of what God has blessed them with. If you're telling the whole truth, which I believe you are, then, he should wake up everyday and thank God for the heart you have.

      For the first time in my 5 year old marriage, my husband reported Me to my mum yesterday. Why? I left the house for a couple of days to seek funds through loans from my sister and other legitimate hustles for our rent (of which I sought and obtained his permission much earlier). I left the house with food and even small pocket money. We have two young children. He doesn't work now.

      He never called me all through and would be the first to hang up when I did. Next thing, my mum calls me shouting and crying. I was even confused.
      He told her all sorts of lies. Let me not go into details but I sense serious esteem issues. However, I am only trying to help since I can. If I have ever disrespected him in the last five years, it was less than thrice and definitely not intentional and I am sure I apologized sincerely. I love you o oga and I will continue to pray for us.

      Poster, now you know him better, sift what you tell him or make it a point of duty to 'seek his permission first'. What can I say again?

      Delete
    6. Stella, this has been posted before. Poster talk to your husband and let him know how you feel about his constant nagging.

      Learn how to befriend your husband if you two are truly in love, it will be easier to discuss everything with him and that way he wouldn't feel disrespected.

      Meanwhile, start saving your money more and ask him money for everything to be done in the house at least he should bring 90% that is how to be in charge.

      Delete
    7. This man go stress you no be small. Very childish and egoistic man. If una go separate before kids start coming, you can. There are more important issues coming up, can this man work with you?

      Delete
    8. Lillysimple dear , I totally disagree with you concerning Igbo men . Point of correction, they are Igbo men and not Ibo men .

      When you are married to narrow minded person, an illiterate, over entitled men etc , what do you expect. This shit right here doesn't have anything to do with tribe .

      I am an Igbo woman and my husband is an Igbo man . We are well read and respect ourselves. We understand one another and know a whole lot of things about ourselves. This couple has failed to understand themselves.

      Marriage is all about understanding. My husband has never fall out with me for helping someone or doing something that will benefit us , Mbanu . If the so called man wants to be in charge, let him carry the family all by himself, What rubbish.

      Meanwhile sister, I will suggest you don't tell him everything you do . This type of a man won't want you to shine more than him , over entitled husband. Before you know it , it will enter beating. My dear , flee from his arguments or else, the marriage won't work .

      It's even too early to start talking about regrets. He shouldn't feel he did you a great deal by marring you .

      Quit if you can't take his shit , now that you guys are still fresh in marriage. My opinion though.

      Delete
    9. Poster, you are like me. I don't see anything wrong with your actions. If he is saying he regrets marrying you after 6months,you Don enter one chance. He may have a side chic. How can he say that,? Wre you 2 in love or you married for husband?

      Delete
    10. Poster what I can see from what you posted is that your man is jealous of your independence. Maybe he thought that with marriage you would be submitting your salary to him. You need to be wise. This ish will continue to be a problem because I don't see him changing. Be very careful. He is the type that will feel bad if his woman is doing better than him. In this your type of marriage, try to muzzle yourself for your own good. Pls don't dull your shine or stop seeking progress in whatever you are doing. Shine your eyes and be prepared for any eventuality.

      Delete
    11. Please why would u be the one to pay for your trip to see your parents and he paid for himself alone. Na Diana problem begin. This man is a baby. Big baby. Please do not indulge his nonosense

      Delete
  2. All these 'traditional men'. Their pride and ego is second to none.

    You will have to use tact, cos you married him already and u are in for the long haul. Try and keep him abreast of what you do even if you feel it's insignificant. If for any reason you decide not to tell him some things, try not to blurt it out. Have control over your mouth.

    By all means pray for grace cos seems to me he may be a difficult person . Good luck to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is just my exact thoughts. I mean, every single line. Wow!!

      Delete
    2. This is just my exact thoughts. I mean, every single line. Wow!!

      Delete
    3. My dear, you need to apply more wisdom in your marriage. It is not everything you must run with your spouse e.g the 5k was absolutely unnecessary.

      Having said that, the first few years of marriage can be tough so you need all the patience and wisdom in the world. You know what is triggering these issues now so be more tactical about the things you share. Run the important ones with him first and little ones you can just do your thing.

      The only time I advocate for separation is when a marriage has broken down irretrievably and there is nothing to mend. But you see yours, you can still work on it, talk to him when he is calm and let him know how his words break you.

      Quitting your marriage shouldn't cross your mind, at least not yet. Too early to give up ok, marriage is work in progress.

      In every thing you do, do not be a door mat or lose yourself or identity in your marriage.

      All the best.

      Delete
    4. My Husband started this nonsense almost 10years into marriage. Exact words used up there.. tired and everything must go his way. Anyway, figure out what triggers him, avoid it... if you do things spontaneously, no point letting him know.. unless you remember to tell him before to avoid trouble!! In everything, no matter how hard it gets, how many pregnancies, DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB. Always remain financially independent. You will be fine.. people like that leave them in their own lane, continue to love them, do you and be true to your self. Once he starts his you are not submissive talk, just apologize so the matter dies there.. might not be good advice but unless the individual realize they are at fault, there is nothing you can do but to live with it

      Delete
  3. Poster the best thing is to be mindful of what you tell him

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poster, please do not be offended with the question I'm about to ask you. Are you sure he is mentally stable? Don't you think you should ask any of his relatives you're quite close to about his mental health?
      Sincerely, his reactions are not normal for a right thinking person...

      Delete
    2. Mama Mia, you read my mind!!!

      POSTER YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS A SHRINK❗❗❗

      Delete
  4. Poster the best thing is to be mindful of what you tell him

    ReplyDelete
  5. He's such an absolutely petty man without any iota of shame.Phew! You need to vamoose or so move on the next time he comes off as petty again

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Na so e easy to vamoose!!

      Yadi yadi yadi๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

      Delete
    2. Lmao @yadi yadi ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

      Every small thing you people will be shouting leave leave

      Delete
    3. UNTIL HE HITS HER OR KILLS HER.
      THAT MAN IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE!!!

      Delete
  6. Hmmm... these are non issues as far as I'm concerned. He has anger issues and very egoistic too. Please exercise more patience, pray more, stay woke and don't inform him about things that will annoy him again.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sorry to say but your husband is very childish ๐Ÿ˜‰

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very childish?..... These issues are petty and shouldn't cause quarrel.

      Delete
    2. Next time, avoid telling him things that can flip his mood

      Delete
    3. Sorry to ask o poster. Is he a graduate? Like he thinks like an iiliterate

      Delete
  8. If this man never see or compliment any of your good sides but always complaining about every little things you do and how the marriage is not going work, then its not gonna work because his mind is no longer in the marriage. Perhaps He may change and start putting in more efforts to make the marriage work but this is not certain.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Your hubby is petty abeg. Ah ah!. He even had mouth to tell you he made a mistake marrying you. Jeez! That's just the height abeg. He keeps threatening divorce, and your marriage is just 6months old. Hmmm. For now, abeg, anything you do, just keep it to yourself. You don't have to inform him on every step you take. Hope you're financially ok sha, just incase. I wish you all the best.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is ridiculous. A marriage of 6 months. Your husband is egocentric. He wants you to always consult him before you lift a finger. Do yourself a favor and keep telling him about your business.
    Chaii, this is 2020 not 1920.
    I would advice that you study his likes and find a way around him. You need wisdom to live peacefully with him.

    Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chai poster I hope you read this,I ve been married to his type for d past eight years now,d Koko is that I m hardcore that's how I am able to survive him,if not I don see shege,see ehnn don't bother telling him of any decisions you takeoo,he will fault it,in short you are on a long thing,don't bother trying to pls him,just do you.

      Delete
  11. Your husband is a fool. This is a man telling you that your husband is a big fool.

    How do ladies end up with men like this? Didn't you guys date?

    In a haste to get married, ladies will rush things and when it gets sour, they'll start sending chronicles.

    If you don't have savings, you better start saving, so that when he kicks you out, you won't be stranded.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A VERY BIG FOOL!
      HOW DO WOMEN END UP WITH SUCH MEN??? ๐Ÿคฎ

      Delete
  12. What an immature big baby, sis he is intimidated by you, you did absolutely nothing wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Poster, i did not see any issues in the things you wrote. Stella has said it all, your husband is too petty please. He should be happy that you did those things. He does not know what he have until he looses it. Have plan B, please with his threats of divorce.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Poster, ignore Stella last advice. I know it ain't easy stomaching all these childishness but most men are like this after marriage. The main issue now is that you are both yet to understand your family dynamics as it's still young. What you have now is power play.... Dude wants to subdue you and kill your self esteem so that you will forever be dependent on him. Don't fall for it! By now you should learn not to tell him every thing. I promise you that despite the fact you think you share everything, he does not tell you EVERYTHING. Have wisdom to discern what not to say to avoid quarrel. You are right to spend your money; where you cannot involve him, then don't tell him. Learn to also ignore him and not make him feel he's the best thing to happen to you...... Don't place him like a god

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not all men please. Not my husband or father or father in-law. These are traits of a petty insecure man. This marriage sorry to say will not last, the only way it will last will be at the cost of the poster loosing her sense of self gradually till the point where he can't recognize herself. This man sadly is not worth it.
      Dear poster, no matter what you do, do not loose yourself. Cheers

      Delete
    2. "Men are like this" is this supposed to be an advice?

      Please, poster, I beg you in God's name, don't listen to this rubbish advice.

      I'm a man and I can assure you that all men don't behave like your husband.Don't force yourself to stay with a man that is petty and doesn't see any good in you because you are you think all men are the same.

      THAT'S NOT HOW ALL MEN BEHAVE! Your husband is a foolish man who doesn't know that you are an asset. I hope, for his sake, he doesn't lose you.

      Delete
    3. Thank you Mrs. E for this wonderful advice.
      To me the first year of marriage is always TOUGH.
      weldon๐Ÿ‘

      Delete
    4. What I was referring to is the power play within the first year of marriage with most of our Nigerian men. They start exhibitining character traits that they know will put you off if you're still'boyfriend/girlfriend'. After marriage, they want to assert their authority.


      I didn't say all men were like this. My husband does not ask me what I do with my hard earned money either does he care when I want to 'seek his permission'. That does not mean he's perfect(I'm not too). We've learnt to live harmoniously. It wasn't like this in the first year marriage. You guys will be all right at last. Just find what works for your union.

      Delete
    5. 16:05 and 16:12 you are right on point!

      DUDE IS A SICKO!

      Delete
    6. Pls Poster, "men" are not like this o! if its as you've written up there, he should thank God for the kind of wife he has and not always throwing tantrums whenever you tell him anything, no matter how trivial. its still early in your marriage, just try to watch/ mind what you tell him. but like somebody already mentioned, don't let him make you lose your self esteem and start doubting your own judgement.

      Delete
    7. This is very apt. All men have ego but seems like poster’s husbands is on a different level. You getting riled up by his act because the marriage is still quite young. Just find a way around it, avoid telling him every thing and if you have to, seek permission from him. I recently got married too and trying to navigate my way around it.

      Delete
  15. Gosh your husband is sooooo petty. Did anyone force him to get married? Why whining like a baby gosh!

    Madam please face front and stop telling him things shebi it's bcos you are telling him things that's why he can whine but wait oo what if you don't tell him and he finds out later ( infact hold on to yourself amd make personal plans) save save save money for yourself alone #incase#. And please think twice before you start having kids, I just feel at a point you will be the one to foot the larger bills cos you seems to sound like a soft person who will do anything for peace to reign. It's is well with you poster.

    ReplyDelete
  16. If booking a sienna that's cheaper the reason you betrayed his trust and makes him see marrying you a mistake..... My dear, tell him straight up "i made the biggest mistake marrying you also"
    What nonsense

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As in. Petty Wap!. Infact, some women have suffered in this life - myself included. Me that i bought all sorts of gifts nko while visiting hubby in naija but couldnt find the sunglasses he asked for because of plenty load while prepping for the trip - he got upset oh and turned it into argument without saying thank you for the other gifts I bought. Lol. I was like ahh, you are coming over in a few months and that shouldnt be such a big deal - but no ooo, nah fight he fight me oo. It is well.

      Delete
  17. Poster, you married a child. Didn't you see all these when you were dating? The Lord is your strength. I can't deal

    ReplyDelete
  18. Na wa !
    Shuo
    Which kind husband be this na?
    You better start keeping these petty things secret . But he might find out.
    Maybe you both make a house rule something like a brochure ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿคฃ so you know what is serious issue to him and what not, that way you wont be stepping on his toes.
    But then what is his issue of always regretting he married you? Is he mad?
    You better stop taking all that rubbish from him & call his bluff
    Nonsense and ingredients
    Or just call his

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dear Poster, My first advice to you. please dont get pregnant yet oo in case this man ups one day and say move out.
    then second, nawa oooo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seconded. Don’t get pregnant yet.

      Give it one year first, because this man just sounds so petty.

      Delete
    2. You've a point

      Delete
    3. He seems very insecure and unstable. Like the kind of person that will even deny the pregnancy for no reason.

      Are these not some signs of mental illness we discussed here some time ago?

      Delete
    4. They sure are signs of a mentally unstable person.

      The man needs to check into Yaba Left.

      Delete
  20. How long would a human continue to live like this? Constantly walking on eggshells around someone you are supposed to be most at ease around? This is not marriage pardon me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And the poster sounds like a very open person. How can she walk in egg shells for as long as they both shall live.
      Trust God to intervene on your behalf ...Walk in wisdom with him.
      Also tell him to stop threatening you about making a mistake... Do it immediately after your family devotion. Say it so calmly that he will know that you are not happy at all.

      Delete
    2. Absolutely not a marriage @Kiks

      His pettiness will suck the life out of his wife.
      That marriage is dead on arrival.

      Delete
  21. To be frank with you, your husband seems to be the type who wants to exercise his "FULL AUTHORITY" as your head and it can be quite frustrating.
    Since you have studied him, try to adjust, by putting a call through and see what his reaction or suggestion will be.
    He doesn't seem in sync with you, so for peace to reign try doing things his way.

    Involve him before taking any decision even if his input is not needed , that way he will 'feel' as the head.

    He still has a lot of learning to do about what being the head really entails.

    It is not by shouting and commanding, it is in more in loving, supporting and gaining your loyalty and respect.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wants to exercise his authority as a man but won't do exactly that as a man when it concerns finance, that's nonsense.

      You better start saving your money poster,let him start doing more .

      Delete
  22. Nawaoh.very difficult man.This one can give a woman hypertension at young age.The marriage is too young but left for me I think u should just be yourself and stand your ground.its gonna be difficult but at a long run he will understand who you are and get use to it.early stages of marriage can be terrible atimes,jus look for a way to follow this type of man na serious brain work.he is jus a control freak.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Simple, mind what you tell him especially if you have already carried out the act. Curtail what you tell him. Keep it to your self....

    Also, have a discussion with him in a calm way and let him know that you're not trying to disrespect him in any way....

    ReplyDelete
  24. Poster na wa for you o ! Sometimes you need to wisdom to handle things..You gave that woman money and thank God she did not approach you or your husband to say thank you..It was obvious she didnt know..Why not keep it moving..You married a faulty finding man and that is how he will be unless God touches his heart..Please do things codely for now, if he complains answer him sarcastically. Infact all your dealings should be with tact..God help this woman abeg..Haba this thing called marriage. All the best..

    ReplyDelete
  25. Poster pls try to know what to tell him.

    ReplyDelete
  26. 3Amigos Bread @ 6 Okesalu St, Ikotun. 0813851632817 August 2020 at 15:33

    Poster, you married a control freak. I hope he doesn’t bring up the conversation of your salary being paid into his account soon. The type of man you described in your narrative will do everything he can to stunt your growth financially, educationally, etc. He wants you under his thumb. I may be wrong but I doubt he’ll support you to shine or reach your full potential.

    No one consults their spouse 100% of the time before taking decisions. Certain things you discuss, while some decisions you make right away or on your own. You’re an adult so he should trust you to make the right decisions. From your narrative, it doesn’t actually appear that he loves you. Instead, he comes across as those men that like to marry independent women and then see if they can break them...men who do this get a twisted sort of pleasure from it. They find fault with almost everything until the lady starts doubting her capabilities if care’s not taken. You know what’s best for you and also remember to commit everything in God’s hands while looking out for yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much..Very apt..Wisdom is what I pray for you..Please he is a very vindictive, fault finding man..

      Delete
    2. @3Amigos, you are very correct. I married a simila type of man. Everything I did to him was indult and undermining his authority! Every innocent act was misinterpreted and twisted. I trued as much as I could for peace to reign but for where. He kept finding new and wicked methods of tormenting my life. Next thing, was that he never wanted a career woman! But the first time you met me was in my office, doing my thing. I ignored him but firmly stood my ground, did my thing abd made it clear that in as much as I respect him, he csn push me around like a puppet. To keep financially wrecked, he made sure that He didn't give me a dine and will still insult me on top of it! Horribld,blood curdling insults that made it clear what a sad abd wicked soul he was. Any little thing, he will threaten divorce. The first time,i ignored him. The second time I told him to give me a month to make arrangements to leave, he was shocked and quickly became nice. I had had 2 kids by then and I tried to stay to see if things could get better but for where? I finally left after 6 years of misery. The story of my leaving is enough to make a full Nigerian love part 1 & 2. I didnt tell him I quietly made arrangements and rented a house. I didn't know the evil man had a recording device and was monitoring me and my calls. On my way put pf the estate we were staying, plsin lothes police.en arrested me. Okp, story long but i was more than victorious. The only beautiful things I got out of the marriage were my kids. I left and found myself again. Imn doing so much better. I sit down and wonder how I survived those 6 years. Poster, tread carefully, his type dont change. If they don't get their way, they will find devious means to make you miserable and ensure they break you.

      Delete
    3. 3Amigos Bread @ 6 Okesalu St, Ikotun. 0813851632817 August 2020 at 19:06

      Wow anon 17:12, thank God you overcame. It’s sad how some men derive joy in making their women lose themselves in marriages.

      Delete
    4. ๐Ÿ’ฏ%๐Ÿ’ฏ%๐Ÿ’ฏ%@3 Amigos and 17:12 thank you for saying it as it is.

      Poster, don't let a sick man ruin you.

      Delete
    5. Anon 17:12, wow! Thank God for you. All these just make me think that marriage is a big scam. When you are not married, society tends to make you feel like you missing out on something huge and you not complete. Then you do and you discover it’s not all you imagined at all. As a married woman, most times, you feel oppressed. Wheew!

      Delete
  27. Will you die if you don’t tell him. Abeg seal your mouth. Me I have another job I do without my husband knowing cos if he does na wahala he’ll stop giving me money completely.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hmm...

    Seems to me the man is looking for excuses to end the marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Pls keep some things to yourself, You are getting to know the type of man he is.
    His constant reference to making a mistake with the marriage is not nice at all.
    The first 3 years of marriage are the most difficult, I pray for Solomon's wisdom for both of you so you can discern what battles are worth fighting and those to ignore.

    For now let discretion guide you on what and what not to say

    ReplyDelete
  30. My money. The cause of most marital quarrels.
    I have a joint account with my husband. We have never quareled in over 10 years of marriage. Jesus is The Prince of peace.๐ŸŽˆ๐ŸŽˆ๐ŸŽˆ๐ŸŽˆ๐ŸŽˆ๐ŸŽˆ๐ŸŽˆ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Never quarreled for over 10years?๐Ÿ™„
      JESUS IS LORD

      Delete
    2. pls, joint account is not a must for every couple. it doesnt just work for some people because we are so different. And it is not a sin to have different accounts. pls.

      this joint account thing eh, it has led some women into depression.

      Delete
    3. Anon 15.47, did you not read where the man gave her only his part of the fare?? Was that not "his" money??
      All these your lies, don't they confuse you?
      I know you think you're funny, but most of the time you come off sounding plain stupid!
      Only you have been married for close to 10yrs, over 15yrs, close to 5yrs, you're a widow, you are single, a virgin, an ex-convinct, a pastor, a Satanist, a mother yet ttcing!
      In this 1 life you have been everything and everywhere? Haba ANG!!!...

      Delete
    4. Then after lying all over the place, you end it with Jesus or quoting scriptures. Meanwhile, your pride and self righteousness irritates Him...

      Delete
    5. Awwwww u don't have loads of cash sis.believe or not.u are jus comfy n don't work ur ass off to make the mola

      Delete
  31. Your husband is overbearing and highly sensitive. He needs to know how to let things go and see reason from another persons point of view. He is so short-sighted and lives in the "now" that any little changes no matter how meaningful ruffle his feathers. He is really rigid and has a one-track mind. He needs to loosen up and know that things may not always go as planned and most times it's for the best. He is very cranky and a nag due to his rigid way of living and thinking. The adjustments needs to come from him. Don't apologize, rather let him know that he is the problem and not you. You can't keep apologizing for a wrong you didn't commit, else with time you lose yourself. Tell him you won't apologise for he has made the decision to perceive situations through a shallow lens and he needs to do something about it and not try to make it look like you are the problem. because even if he divorces you, who has the time for a man like that? A man who takes every single thing to heart must be unforgiven too and bitter. God help you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 3Amigos Bread @ 6 Okesalu St, Ikotun. 0813851632817 August 2020 at 16:05

      He’s a total nag. Can’t imagine how the poster copes with his constant bickering.

      You’re right, I also don’t think she should continuously apologize. She needs to stand her ground, speak up for herself and let him know when he’s wrong otherwise he will trample on her self worth. Poster, start the way you mean to go on...doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible but you get my drift.

      Delete
    2. Poster please read that comment up there. thank you anonymous

      Delete
  32. Kai poster I’m so sorry you are with this type of husband cause you seem like a good wife.
    Stella’s advice is the best. Start setting up for plan B.
    I don’t trust a man like your husband.
    Always looking for respect and honor when they don’t give any.

    ReplyDelete
  33. The bible mentions that both husband and wife should submit to each other in love but most of these patriarchal men wont see that.
    Poster you were and still remain a person.

    A full entity that is capable of taking decisions and taking on responsibilities and responding to situations intelligently before you went in to this marriage and marriage should never negate that.

    Your husband is petty and insecure. On him always saying his marriage to you was a mistake, that means he feels he did you a favour by marrying you. The insolence.

    Pls dear in your bid to make Marriage work dont lose your self.
    Like Stella said prepare your mind n save for the raining

    ReplyDelete
  34. I'm sorry to say but he's being so petty.

    You need to filter the kind of things you tell him. It is well with your home.

    ReplyDelete
  35. All i see is stress$,take it to JESUS, and ask for wisdom on how to handle this stressful being

    ReplyDelete
  36. Anon 15:24, why give advice that even u can't take? U think we come to play here?. Poster, tell him as much things as possible before doing it, to avoid trouble. Also note the things he does without telling u. Make him understand that u also feel the same way. With time, he will get tired with his pettiness. Whatever u do, let it be for the peace and happiness in ur marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Petty is the word.Your husband is insecure about certain things or is it his ego playing on him?.Mind the things you tell him as both of you have different personalities.You are the type that wants to do things while he's not or he wants you to always inform him before doing anything as per head of the house.You both need to learn how to agree and you need to make clear what you can take.He also has to know that there are things you can do without necessarily informing him first

    ReplyDelete
  38. Poster must you tell him everything? This was me in the first year of our marriage. Now I just blank him on my finance. I go what I am suppose to contribute to the family and I keep quite on the rest. Even what I do for my parents and siblings too

    ReplyDelete
  39. My own husband will discourage you from doing whatever you tell him even though its my money. So now I don't tell him anything. It easier to apologize than take permission. Like in Feb I needed a new phone and I told him that I want to get one with my money o guy man objected.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is his type right here, not like if u tell him he will say okay go ahead. They always say no to whatever you want to do. They want you to tell them so they control even the air you breathe. Madam never gives him that hand. You will have to tell him before you buy yourself pants. My father did not send me to school, so I can be a robot.

      Delete
  40. You sound like a normal, sensible, reasonable God fearing person, he sounds short tempered and likes fight with women, or view women with a certain lens. He has tested and seen that you are the calm, reasonable& responsible non confrontational type so i wont be surprised WHEN NOT IF, WHEN He escalates.

    Imagine using such words this early in the marriage?????no wife deserves it talkless of new bride.

    All I can say is that I AM VERY VERY HAPPY THAT YOU
    1. EARN YOUR OWN MONEY
    2. PAY HALF THE BILLS (WHATAMAN!) SO HAVE EXPERIENCE ON PERSONAL FINANCIAL MGMT, PETTY CASH MGT etc

    You are what A LOT OF MEN are seeking in a wife or lifepartner and life is to long to be hearing someone lashing that they regret marrying you. He hasnt seen v.young women, submissive but still carry curses for lips and fire for head!

    The matter just pain my left knee, e touch me biko

    ReplyDelete
  41. I was in your shoes some years, circa 2015,2016. Gosh! It was so difficult. I even started to doubt myself. With time, I learned to keep my mouth shut. Now he's complaining I'm secretive. Who cares? Lol.

    ReplyDelete
  42. dear poster, I am sorry to say you married a petty person and this can be draining as things you consider minor and are actually minor can trigger them. I have been in your shoes in a way but what actions did I take? his actions led me to watch what I disclosed to him. I weighed his reaction upfront, and decide if to tell him something or not for your sanity sake. I have an issue with the way he threatens you with divorce and the statement "making a mistake marrying you" this statements are serious and need to be nipped in the board. Call him quietly and nicely and tell him you don't like that statement as him marrying you was not him doing you any favours.

    If he refuses to listen, I think you might have to act cos these kinds of men are very annoying and might react badly to you even trying to talk about his utterances nicely and say it's part of your not being submissive but I think you need to put your foot down. If he makes that statement again tell him you regret marrying him too and oh yes! you think it's a fantastic idea to get a divorce cos you are tired of his attitude.

    Take it a step further in your own way, it might give him a rude awakening and make him change. Cos, for now, I think he thinks he is the best thing since slice bread to happen to you and that if he says go you will shiver and die. For a marriage to work you need to feel secured not that if I do A my partner will throw me out. You have not done anything wrong in my opinion, you are a human being with a mind and sometimes you are bound to make decisions you feel is in your interest and you don'have all the time in the world consult someone else and it'normal as long as it'snot a decision that puts your partner at risk. Let me stop here.

    ReplyDelete
  43. These are not issues...please, stop telling him but you know there are some good deeds you could do but the beneficiary will see your husband and may want to extend appreciation to him even without your knowledge...how will he react if such circumstances arises

    He should be thankful to God for your kind

    ReplyDelete
  44. Who train all these men with entitlement mentality? because you be husband she must take permission to do everything? does she not have a mind of her own? you can as well tell her to take permission before breathing as a wife naa...
    Madam, for your peace sake try to keep somethings to yoruself (if you didn't get his permission before doing it) allso learn to ignore him when he starts throwing tantrums like a baby that he is.
    Women, train your sons too along side your daughters to stop breeding men with this entitlement mentality and stressing someones daughter.

    ReplyDelete
  45. God forbid bad thing. Mtchew

    ReplyDelete
  46. This was me for about 8 years. I even give him all my money join. It was simply not enough. I had to learn to push back by ignoring him. It kills self-esteem in a horrible way.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Poster please stop telling him things again

    ReplyDelete
  48. Stella what is your problem with me? please approve my comments na,or is there anything I'M not doing right?

    ReplyDelete
  49. Dear poster, all you need is wisdom! “Little things” like this can cause emotional distance which will definitely lead to an undesired ending if not well managed. In my opinion, present things you have done spontaneously to him as “things you want/wish to do” ..if he thinks otherwise, acknowledge his opinion and KEEP QUIET, DON’T ARGUE!, and if he is in support, tell him you will go ahead. Just let him FEEL he is in charge.lobatan.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Thank you Anon 15.47

    You saw the problem completely. The character flaw in the husband and and the wife is challenging their marriage, but because "her money" is involved, most bvs think only the man is at fault.

    Poster, it appears your husband feels you are not letting him be in charge because you are contributing equally and the way you wrote your chronicle shows he may be right. Agreed, your husband is asserting himself wrongly as unanimously concluded by Bvs. But the fault is not his alone

    I am learning too. So may I ask: is there anything as "my money" in marriage? I hear most women use "our money", "our house", etc. even when the house was built by the man before marriage or the money was or is absolutely earned by the man/husband. Why does "my" quickly show up when the woman/wife earns equally or more than the man/husband in marriage?

    ReplyDelete
  51. He’s a traditional man but wants to be a modern man when it’s time to split bills. Oshisco

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oshi Rada rada and he is forming "head of the house, I want to be in control"

      Delete
  52. Poster you better open your eyes. This is not Nollywood where the long suffering mumu wife gets everything her way after suffering. Shine your eyes and grow some balls. Keep your money to yourself and be realistic about things

    ReplyDelete
  53. He doesn't know what he has till he looses you.Hello my people,Been a Bv for 8 years now and I just got a blog I'd.

    ReplyDelete
  54. This is very hard for me to post.

    I recognise every single thing that you mentioned about your husband in this post. They are similar to what I have done in the past. Poster, I can tell you that if you do not grow a pair, meaning if you do not start to stand up for yourself, your husband will drive you into depression and you will begin to question every decision you make and then ultimately begin to question yourself and sense of being. I can't tell yo Utopia's stop telling him what you are doing because that is the advise we give people who are facing their haters, unless you are ready to spend the rest of your married life like that.

    What you have described is a sign of a form of mental illness/issues based on the need to control everything. As we all know, it is impossible to control everything, but there are people who try because they are afraid of losing control and especially afraid of being exposed.

    Just as Stella said, start making a plan B in case one of these days he decides to throw you out, I think this will happen, not because he really wants t throw you out, but to assume absolute power over you and your decisions. Your husband
    basically doesn't want you to be your own person because he has no idea what or whom he is so everything you do will seem threatening to his own lack of self.

    Also as Stella said, call his bluff one of these days, but make sure you are ready for the consequences because he may drag the issue until it's all destroyed and then try to get back again . DON't EVER DO THAT. In all honesty, if your husband does not recognise his wrong or that what he is doing is damaging, the best thing to do is to leave him before it destroys you.

    How did I become like this? My father was exactly the same. It's only recently during a heart to heart with my mother that I heard her say "the only reason the marriage survived was because your father travelled so often for work, we actually operated 2 households until you were all old enough to start boarding school. If not for that, I would have left him a long time ago" We both agreed in that instance that my father had control issues coupled with anger. I am in therapy, I have been for the past 7-10 years on and off, this is not an easy thing to shake. Get out as soon as you can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poster, *INUGO*? ๐Ÿ‘‚๐Ÿ‘‚
      (Have you heard?)

      Delete
  55. My dear, ther,s nothing wrong with your decisions, you are married to a man with control issues and very very pretty!!haba! Na waoo!!!he needs a lot of growing up, give him feeding bottle and when next you want to breath, ask him!

    ReplyDelete
  56. I didn't bother to read much. Not even Stella's comment.

    All I have to say is this... I'm at my cousin's place right now paying her condolences for we just lost her hubby with whom she got married like 2 months ago.

    She would do anything to have her husband back right now. Dey there dey quarrel with your 'alive' husband. You better be thanking God.

    Marriage is about sacrifice and compromise. A resolve by the couple to make it work regardless. Whoever is not ready shouldn't have gone in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh so sorry about your in-law anon,please hold your cousin well, it's not easy, chai.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous 17:52, I know you are grieving your cousins hubby. And I'm sorry for your loss. However, marriage is not to be endured but to be enjoyed. They are just 6months into it and they have a life time. I'm sure going through marriage and been depressed is not what you wish for her.

      She just wants to understand what is going on and how to approach this. She is a nice person and her hubby maybe because of his personality has issues. She is right to ask. If not she will die of depression. I almost entered depression but God helped me.
      Poster may God give you wisdom. But if you want to stay married you have to deal with this situation. Take what you can and what you can't make it very clear. You have as much right as he in this marriage. All the best.

      Delete
    3. 17:52...or it could be this poster that ends up dead one day with such a mentally unstable husband.

      Marriage is not a guarantee to happiness or a ticket to heaven.

      Condolences to your cousin. ๐Ÿ’ž

      Delete
  57. He made a mistake marrying you?? Because of such petty issues! Madam that you husband is not serious oo! The only grounds for divorce which is legitimate is domestic violence and adultery, every other can be worked on plsssss.

    ReplyDelete
  58. This is a case of how Some men turn perfectly good wives into secretive women then u say she has changed. May God help our respective genders!!!

    ReplyDelete
  59. I am sorry to type this dear poster, but your husband needs severe psychological/psychiatric evaluation. Something is really wrong with his inflated ego!6 months marriage and he already has you walking on egg shells. This chronicle made me feel sad.

    ReplyDelete
  60. You married a petty man. Learn to mind what you tell him or ensure he is informed before actions are carried out. Dont divorce

    ReplyDelete
  61. Sweetheart, conflicts in a marriage, especially in the early stages, is not a novel concept. Two worlds colliding to become one isn't necessarily "hitch" free(no pun intended). However, your hubby seems to have a remarkably short fuse for someone who has only been married for 6 months. Some of what you mentioned you did may not be ideal, and that's to a person who wants to be intensely critical, but they certainly don't call for his outbursts and the "I made a mistake marrying you" line. That's quite offensive and foul, to be honest.

    I have noticed that people who are easily irritable are people who have bottled up grievances. They keep suppressing their emotions until it erupts in a dramatic fashion. Darling, it is possible that your hubby regrets marrying you, reasons best known to him. I will advise you to give him space, I don't mean ignore him or give him the silent treatment. Do your duties as you've always done. Don't volunteer information unless it's absolutely necessary. One of the worst things you can do to a person who feels trapped is to cling to him/her. If he sees that you are doing well and happy on your own, he may come around and start acting normal. It's counterintuitive, I know, but it usually works. The human mind is fascinating.

    Personally, I wouldn't want to be with a man who claims and acts like he really regrets marrying me. I love love too much not to be in love. However, if you are determined to make this work, you can but you will need a healthy dose of wisdom and tact and a trailer load of patience and understanding. I truly wish you get to enjoy your "happily ever after ".
    e-hugs and kisses.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Poster, I feel your pain. I think Stella's advice is apt. Like how can your husband even allow you share all the household bills equally? I don't understand.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Just learn to tell him whatever you want to do. And if he's not available don't do because he might find out from someone else and it won't be funny. I was so pissed with your chronicle. Your husband is too petty.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Poster I hope you will be patient with him. Just know that the first three years of marriage is usually not rossy for some people. Please be a bit patient with him and do not respond when he is angry. If possible please dont tell him sometimes when you want to help or send funds to someone. Be wise and this shall pass.

    ReplyDelete
  65. I am Nigerian and if I have to share equal bills with my husband, he better be prepared that we are are heads of house. Chikina. I love to help out with bills naturally but if you have to make a rule, then be prepared to share the respect into 2 exact equal halves. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Poster you married a very sensitive man and the journey is still very far for you to be with such an individual that keeps telling you that he made a mistake making you his wife, please and please if you want to stay you have to learn how to keep things for your self and tell him only what he needs to no to avoid issues cos such people usually have anger issue, please ask the holy spirit to lead you right on how to go,weather to continue or quit before children arrivals cos he is not going to change.

    ReplyDelete
  67. A man who seeks to control you. The minute you give in, you are done for.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Madam hold your ears, if you are not yet pregnant, do not try to. Intentionally prevent it, I don't think you have found husband. That man is just starting and will show you shege. Try and codedly not get pregnant and watch him for a bit, men like him get worse.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Good day, i think we should be careful about the advise we give on here. If we critically analyse her write up we can tell her husband is crazy about partnerships. From sharing bills to being carried along with every decision. There is nothing wrong with telling your partner you dont like something no matter how little. We are in no position to tell someone how to express disatisfaction. I can tell from the patterns that he is consistent in character same way we dont have big or small sin is the same way level of issues can't be separated. He wants 100% partnership na so you go carry your car dash pastor tomorrow or book air kenya over Emirates next tomorrow. We have a saying that na wetin person give you wen e get small na so you go know wetin him go give when him get plenty. My opinion.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Stop apologising. You have free will you are not his slave. Stop trying to be submissive you are not supposed to be try partnership instead. Can you not see he is trying to control your life? In marriage issues should be resolved and moved in. Tell him he is no longer allowed to bring up that issue of the salon car during argument that it is not relevant or does he mean he can’t forgive any small error. A man you agreed to marry should not keep telling you he made a mistake marrying you it is just a way to break you and make you afraid he will leave you. Next time he tells you that tell him he can leave if he wants and marriage is not by force. When he sees you are not scared he will stop referring to it. You are a woman, you carry children for nine months you run the home, you are strong. Don’t let any man make you feel you are not good enough. Fight back and stop all this nonsense submissive behaviour. What do you think will happen when children come? You will be a certified slave. It is 2020 our submissive grandmothers were beaten driven out of the house and made to drink dead body water, how can you expect to still be submissive in this day and age? Is it not stupidity? Better woman up!

    ReplyDelete
  71. Poster my own suggestion it's that I think your husband is already feeling emasculated by the way you do things equal with him and the way you do things on your own.He is very childish and over sensitive unecessary .I think you gave him that hand and therefore,,,

    Istly, stop financing your home equally with him,it will help you to massage that his ego well,allow him provide 90% of things in your home, I hope you can finish what you started,better withdraw now and start saving more!.

    Stop acting that independence of a thing, it makes men like him feel weak,allow him perform his duty as a man biko.

    Secondly learn how to keep things to yourself and give him space, then he will undersntd and learn how to value the things he has before it's too late.

    Ekwuchaam.

    ReplyDelete

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