STAND ALONE NARRATIVE....
AT A CROSSROAD....
Dear Sdk,kindly assist in posting
I am currently 25,working with a small firm in Lagos, I have never been in a relationship before cause I want to hit a mark in terms of achievement ...
Sometime in August 2019 I met this young man who came after me with the intention of marriage , I would be honest, He wasn't my spec at all but clicked all the things I wanted in a man and I love him too ..
The issue now is that while chatting over the weekend we spoke about having kids and I mentioned waiting for sometime before having kids Then he opened up that he would love to have kids immediately for age isn't on his side, Novice me has never asked him that question . I thought he was 32 at least but now he is 12 years my senior, Meaning he is 37 years old I mean he is good looking, looks younger and fit to look 37....
Back to the chat, he was begging that we have kids immediately but i am scared, first I have no idea about motherhood, both of us combined,i am scared we may not have enough to give a child the best, Like I want to be at a level to give my kids the best in everything, He is still hustling as a self employed but he is comfortable financially to cater for a family But what about me?
Am I being selfish to wait knowing we may have a kid when am 27 and he would be 39?? I plan a 2 year or 1 year to figure things out as married people before kids come in..
NOTE: I WOULD HAVE TO RELOCATE TO JOIN HIM...
He is begging me to reconsider that he wants to have kids with me once we get married and has promised never to stop my dreams or let having kids be a burden.
I am scared cause I even have to resign to join him when we are married by MARCH 2021, My company doesn't have a branch elsewhere .
Would being pregnant not be an obstacle to getting a job in his base if I should get pregnant immediately, what about my dreams too??
I just need some counsel on this please I want him happy too, I know if I still insist he would wait but deep down I don't know why I feel guilty or is it a selfish guilt.
`*Babe geh,so 2020 didn't teach you anything?2020 didn't teach you not to waste time on anything?I know someone whose mindset was like yours,She said she kept preventing having kids cos she needed more time to spend with her hubby before the kids came....
She said when she was ready,the kids didn't come...She has been TTC for 20 years or more.........I don't know what lesson there is in this but please do not postpone Gods blessing of gifting you a child.....
Stop being scared and enjoy what comes your way...Motherhood is the most beautiful thing that can happen to any woman and trust me,there are no regrets.
Is he financially capable to establish a business for you at his basetogether with your own savings? If yes, then you're good to go, if not, please consider having something doing before you marry.
ReplyDelete*Larry was here*
Wow,I just felt I wrote what SDK WROTE UP THERE ,poster please Embrace it and don't fight it at all. You have a genuine relationship, Person no dey rise finish for this life, let tomorrow speak for itself and stop getting the fear of the unknown in your head because it get you in a confused state of mind. Goodluck poster!
DeleteStella, I disagree with you 😜. She is 25 and there’s no guarantee that she will conceive right after they marry. Only God knows that. Your friend ttc’ed for a long time which is really sad but there are also millions of women who couldn’t conceive right after getting married though they tried to. You live in the western world so know that it is quite common for couples to wait for a while before venturing into parenthood. Motherhood is fantastic but let’s also be realistic with the fact that a lot comes with it that takes maturity, patience, love, Grace of God etc to handle. It is beautiful but entails a lot. Truth is, some women enjoy motherhood while some don’t - it’s not a one size fit all like many try to make it appear.
DeleteQuestion should be, is poster READY to have and cater for a child now? A supportive spouse makes pregnancy/motherhood journey smoother but let’s not forget that poster is the one whose body and mind will go through pregnancy - yes, pregnancy affects the mind too in either a good or bad way. IS SHE READY should be the million dollar question. She is smart for wanting to be financially ready before having children or at least have her career on a solid track. Nothing wrong in waiting till she is 27 to start having children but that should be a decision she should ensure she is comfortable with no matter the outcome. And again, she will be relocating to be with the guy so will be financially dependent on him till she gets something doing. Will he be the type that once they have children, he will demand that she not work any longer - shocking that a man can have such authority over his wife but some of the chronicles on this blog has shown it happens. I do not pray that poster’s boyfriend is like that.
Poster, marriage can make or mar a person so please pray seriously about this. Personally, I think it’s best a woman always have a legitimate source of income not only before marriage but always, but I also know that life happens and it may not always work out so for many. Again, pray hard about this and make the decision that will give you peace.
If you are sure love and he indeed ticks all the boxes,go for it,with prayers and handwork,your hustles will pay!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DeletePoster, you are not God to decide over your life. Trust Him and everything will fall into places.
Delete25 is not young depending how many kids you want to have if you marry next year that’s already 26. You can wait 6 months which is fair. BUT YOU SHOULD BE MORE CONCERENED ABOUT THE FACT YOU WILL HAVE NO JOB. START LOOKING FOR JOBS THERE AND DOING INTERVIEWS NOW! If you enter marriage without job fear of motherhood will be the least of your problems.
DeleteMy advice is to plan well. You just got a job and your man lives in another state. Please sit him down and reach a compromise before taking the next step.
ReplyDeleteMotherhood is sweet and beautiful when you as a woman do not feel sabotaged by it.
DeletePoster, your fears and plans are very valid. His plans are valid too but he should waka go front small and find a 34/35year old who has same appetite with him. You are 25, you have time babe. Build that lady of your dreams first. Why didn't he too marry at 25? You will regret it if you give in and do this now. As for your future fertility, don't worry about that. It's purely in God's hands and you not being ready now is in God's know. Even at that, when the time comes, there are 1001 options to have a baby. You can decide to store up some eggs when you get to 30 or just relax. You will be fine.
You can be be another and also a career woman.. You don't have to figure it out before you become a parent. You grow with the flow when you start having kids..
ReplyDeleteIt's not certain that you would conceive immediately but it would be an amazing experience when you do..
Choose wisely!!!
Yes, you are being selfish. Marriage is for, 1. companionship 2. Children.
ReplyDeleteYou can decide when to get married but you can't decide when children will come. If after 2 years of wanting kids and having none, you'd be running from mountain to fire to seek the fruit of the womb.
Very few ladies were mothers before they got married, and even that is not a guarantee that they are experts at motherhood. Begin to think pregnancy, begin to think business, begin to think of a complete new home. And above all, bring Jesus into your life and that home for the beauty of it to come out.
You want to rise in your career? I see. Career that you can be fired without notice? And you already talked about quitting it for marriage. Why not give your marriage time and learn on the job like most mothers do? 🙄🙄🙄🙄
ReplyDeleteIf u have not achieved your dreams till now, what makes u think u will achieve it at 27, common gerarahere
ReplyDeleteAngel Ray you’re a very wicked woman.
DeleteWow are you kidding me??? Angel are you serious??? So you’re saying she can’t achieve at 27? When she’s literally just starting life! No wonder why some of you naija women rely so much on men because you lack confidence or straight up lazy to achieve your goals and aspirations!!!! DO NOT discourage this young lady. There’s more to life than marriage! I got married at 32 and waited before having kids because my husband and I wanted to be more financially stable so we can raise our kids stress free of financial issues. Kids depend completely on you and you’ve got to be mentally, emotionally and financially ready!!! Poster wants the best for her and she’s got to be selfish!!! If tables were turned and dude will surely wait before having kids! Here in the US, folks go back to school at any age, change careers at any age and follow their dreams! Biden is 78 and he’s the president elect! Go for your dreams please and don’t listen to people like angel ray. I’m so angry!
DeleteI don't blame you angel at all,you are beluded because I guess all your life centers around marriage and men. I just finished school and I'm working in a school at the moment and earning up to 50k, i'm 26,my boyfriend is proposing marriage but no money on ground now. I am thinking of starting my Masters program next year so that i can be ahead in my career. The guy proposing marriage sef is even talking of breakup because of a fight but i'm just looking at him. Please don't discourage the poster as age is still on her side. I am not even comtemplating marriage for now until I'm 28.
DeleteUna no know AngelRay?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteStella this ur advice no enter at all no 1 should be pressured for kids ..so he wants to marry her just for kids
ReplyDeleteStella said exactly what I wanted to say, what if you can't have children do you think it's everybody that gets married that gives birth, you think he'll continue to wait for you right. Just continue posting the guy , when he leaves you ehn your eyes will clear.
ReplyDeleteeve na una type dey die for relationship...a man says i want to marry you and you start shaking like a fool. so if he leaves her the male gender finishes abi? she has genuine and sensible concerns. she just needs encouragement to take the plunge.
DeleteFirst, he wasn't your spec but things still click on for both of you.
ReplyDeleteNow, you're not sure about being with him due to his age and also, due to the fact that you don't want to have kids yet, baby girl, please, let this man go! You're not in anyway attracted to him, I can deduce that from your write-up.
Even your career and moving to join him are also causing you doubts
You know, I will never tell anyone not have kids immediately after getting married. I have seen too many nice people become very angry because they were trying to conceive for years and there were no show, and I felt their pains and anger. Let kids come when they want to come, don't plan it!
Most people know part of the reasons why IVF is selling fast like hot cranberry cake today.
Stella only focused on the kids part. However, what's the guarantee that kids will come immediately? How would he react to that? Would he remain loyal or would he start going outside looking for an alternative?
ReplyDeleteI'm more concerned that you'll be financially dependent on this man from the beginning of your marriage. Do you really want that? I'll never advise any lady to be completely financially dependent on their husband, especially from the beginning.
You know yourself best. Make a decision that you can live with.
Ha! I didn't feel touched by the chronicles Stella's red pen hit hard!!!
ReplyDeletePoster please both of you should seat and plan very well oh..I am not comfortable that he is placing so much emphasis on having kids and time is not on his side ish...Please take your time and weigh your options? What are the plans when you finally relocate as in getting a job? Ask him pertinent questions before you say I do..Love is not enough oh..Reason with your head...Marriage is a decision that can also affect other life decision..Please be very careful I don't know much but please be very wise! As in very wise like a serpent! All the best..
ReplyDeletePoster follow Stella advice
ReplyDeleteMotherhood is not easy dear, but trust me its not easy to get a job that can accommodate motherhood and working except teaching. Or u get a daycare or a live in nanny. Its not easy at all. But if this person truely love you, like he can really over look some silly things u do or will do. He can support u both home and emotionally. Then u can go ahead.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is not a small task at all. And please if he has ever brushed off your opinion ad being childish please run away. He would always see u as a child
Over to married people
ReplyDeleteThis was exactly me when I was about to marry, I said I don't want kids, now am praying for kids,kindly delete that from ur mind,if u are ready for marriage u should be ready for anything that comes with it. Go in with a positive mind, see urself as a blessing and open door, I know u are scared cos of finances, but how would u feel if after marriage ur husband or you becomes super rich, and baby puts not forth coming. Pls relax biko, don't forget to start taking folic Acid Asap cos u will need it inugo.
ReplyDeleteDon’t project your issues on her please. Besides, are you taking prenatal vitamins with folate (not folic acid) to help regulate your hormones?? Folic acid is the synthetic form. Also stress, worry lack of sleep can mess up a female hormones hence delaying fertility. Get on prenatal vitamins with folate (not folic acid). Cut down on carbs especially white carbs, eat veggies, fruits and exercise. And sleep! Wishing you the best and baby dust to you!
DeleteFolic acid/folate isn’t for regulation of hormones.it is taken so that the woman has enough stored for the fetus once she conceives since it is important in early fetal development
DeletePoster I'm you oooo. Lemme ready comments because I think I'm ready to experience this relationship thing
ReplyDeleteI don't agree with you totally Stella. Motherhood is lovely but there are lots of women who regret being mothers. Motherhood is actually overrated.
ReplyDeleteAbout the woman whose story you narrated, how do you know she wouldn't have been ttc even if she started immediately.
ABEGI!
Motherhood is overrated? I have never heard/ read about this. Maybe this is strictly for you and your click.
DeletePoster I'm you oooo. Lemme read comments because I think I'm ready to experience this relationship thing
ReplyDeleteYou no get problem at all. Who even told you pregnancy will come immediately after marriage? You can still get another job in his base after marriage (before getting pregnant). so relax your mind and commit everything into God's hand.
ReplyDeleteMotherhood is the most beautiful thing that can happen to any woman and trust me,there are no regrets.
ReplyDelete1. motherhood is NOT the most beautiful thing that can happen to a woman!!! it is definitely not.
2. YES there are regrets, lots of it ! let us stop martyring motherhood.
Poster dont marry him, you are setting up yourself for failure and a number of depressing situations. Also have a stable job, always !! he will marry and tie you down! have you not learnt anything on this blog?
My ex boyfriend said this about 3 years ago. He was thirteen years older( I was 23 and in 300level). He was laying emphasis on this same children matter. He left las Las but that was after I prayed that God's will be done about the relationship because the pressure was just too much. He is almost 40 years and still no kids. I will suggest you sit him down and ask what he truly wants you for? that's the problem I have with dating older men most of them pressurize a lady too much for marriage and kids. Your main concern now should be getting a job at his base even before resigning from your current place of work.
ReplyDeleteBia poster if you no want this marriage leave the guy male people wey dey ready marry born pickin take the bobo.
ReplyDeleteYour own too much, which stupid fear be this, if you too fear for this life you no dey fit live life o.
Sisto do you know this song by lyta
ReplyDeleteTime waits for nobody,asiko no gbo HBO nkan download and listen+ you will do the needful then
Don’t bring a child into this world that will suffer... 2020 still led people into depression because of their financial status
ReplyDeleteMy dear ehhhhhh!!!
DeleteWhat if kids don't come immediately after, will the guy leave you and go look for kids outside?? Does he love you or he wants to marry because of his age?? Think about it and ask him sincerely!!!
In life, don't rush!!!
No, you're not being selfish. Please secure your own source of income before getting pregnant.
ReplyDeleteIf you get pregnant outside a job, it greatly decreases your chances of getting back to any useful employment after childbearing stage. This is the same even abroad, how much more in Naija where job hunting is a jungle?
I delayed childbearing a bit because I was out of a job as soon as I got married. No regrets want so ever. Actually it was my smartest move.
No, I did not experience delay what I was ready to start having kids.
Most importantly though, take your plans to God in prayer. Ask Him to perfect all that concerns you, but use your head too. Xoxo
Just because you are 25, DOES NOT mean you should get married now/soon!
ReplyDeleteJust because you are 25, DOES NOT mean you should tie the knot to the man you meet around that age!
I've noticed most "confused" chronicle writers are around the age of 25. Mostly mid 20s!
So many women are blindly jumping into life-long commitments with men that are otherwise not their heart's desire, because they are turning 25.
Extinguish the internal and external pressure, ladies! Some of you planning to marry by or before your 25th birthdays...may have been destined to marry at 28, 33, 37 etc! I know there is a fear or possibly waiting in vain, but if it doesn't feel right, then it most likely isn't.
Reading through this comment section makes me feel very sad. This is why men will never see women as being more than sex object and breeders.
ReplyDeleteThank you o. So motherhood is now an achievement? If one isn’t a mother they have nothing else going on in their lives?
DeletePoster you have raised very valid points here. Just because this man wants to marry you doesn’t mean he’s the one. It’s not the first marriage proposal I got that I accepted.
Men are allowed to have standards and follow their plan, women need to start thinking this way too. From your narration he doesn’t sound very rich, and moving will leave you dependent on him completely, I will not advise marrying and breeding without having your finances in order.
Nigerians need to learn how to plan for children. Even in this abroad that people get government assistance they still plan for kids let alone in Nigeria that no one sends you.
You’re still a young girl please, do not let anyone or man pressure you into taking on more commitments than you can handle.
I tire..... There's no rush my dear!!
DeleteLet no one rush you Poster
Poster, will you have support if you start having kids immediately in a new environment??. Raising kids is a lot of work. You’ll need emotional support around you. You’ll definitely need financial stability. This is your instincts telling you not to settle with this guy. This is your woman Intuition saying you’re not ready. And 10yrs is just too much of a gap between you and this guy. He’ll start acting like your dad when you both are well comfortable with each other. He’s already controlling when you want kids and you’re not ready. Hmmm you never find husband oo. Please wake up to your reality. You’re still very young my dear. Build your career where you are, save, save and save as mush money as you can. you’ll have this fulfillment, peace and financial independence. Do not let any human being of the same flesh and blood change your decision about your goals. Waiting 1 to 2 years before having kids is totally worth it. Heck if you wait until 30 self is still fine. You’ll be in a much better place in terms of maturity, emotional maturity, financial stability. You for don save well well. Also waiting 1-2years, will even allow you date others around you, in the same environment. Do you know this man enough? Long distance relationship is tough and there’s no way you’ll know what you can tolerate from each other. And don’t let these comments of what if you can’t have kids when you’re ready scare you. Not everyone one have problems having kids!! You will have kids when you’re ready. so just continue to say that positive affirmation into your life. Speak truth and positivity into your life. You have not found your husband. If this is a deal breaker for you then end things with him. If you relocate, you’re literally starting from scratch again and most companies won’t hire a pregnant woman. It’s even more reason for you to wait before having kids so you can find work and enjoy the maternity benefits companies offer abroad. It takes at least 1-5yrs to settle down in a new environment. Please move on. Don’t settle for less. You’ll find a good man who’s on the same page with your dreams and goals. This man is selfish about his own wants and needs. So how’s that your problem?? What about your own wants and needs?? You both are not on the same page abeg. Let him find a woman that’s ready to have kids immediately. Update us please and good luck. Hugs and kisses 🤗😘. Stella please post my comment. Thanks.
ReplyDelete..and what happens when after you got married and no kid was forth coming? The way he emphasizing on kids, he would throw you out or gonhave babies outside. Be careful amd take notes!!! A word is enough forbthe wise.
ReplyDeleteand what happens when after you got married and no kid was forth coming? The way he emphasizing on kids, he would throw you out or gonhave babies outside. Be careful amd take notes!!! A word is enough forbthe wise.
ReplyDeleteHow is waiting for pregnancy for a year or two selfish or how does it increase percentages of infertility? The comments are so shocking and Nigerian women keep acting like their life purpose is to marry men and breed for them. As if the men are doing us a favour. Ahahn !
ReplyDeleteFirst, your concerns are valid. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. I think you need to grow in your career because that is what you want. Also career and motherhood at the lower levels don't go well together. So you are right to consider postponing motherhood. Don't let all these stories of IVF scare you. There is no indication that those who are TTC would have conceived immediately if they had not waited. Always, I advise young women, don't enter marriage as a financial dependant of your hubby. Bring something to the table. You went to school for goodness sake. How a young woman can depend solely on the benovalence of a hubby is totally beyond me. Marriage is about compromise. His need for marriage and children is not more valid than yours. What was he doing all these years? Make compromise but be certain about the fundamentals you want. If it does not work out with this man,it is not meant to be. Live your best life. I am happily married to my friend. I am glad that I did not allow myself to be pressured and I thank God for my successful career and children. Because I earn well, i am an asset to our family. For example my job gives me two cars. So instead of buying cars and spending money on an asset that depreciates immediately you buy it, we keep money towards our children's education
ReplyDeleteWe can leverage our net worth to do so many things without killing him with stress. We work as a team. Nothing beats the support I give him and he gives me. I practise my job presentations on him and he gives me a male perspective. Our irons sharpen themselves. Please since you are career minded, go for it. I am a mother. Motherhood is not my only achievement. Even the mad woman on the street is a mother. Plan well now that you are young. You can have it all; but, you need to plan. All those days of a woman having no plan but planning to be a liability are gone. Don't mind those telling you to just allow pregnancy to come? Really? Not if you have a plan to have a career. Read all our comments and take the one that belongs to you my dear. Above all pray for God's guidance.
Yassss PREACHHHH hunny. Poster please listen to this lady.
DeleteDont rush into having children when you are not ready.
Yassss PREACHHHH hunny. Poster please listen to this lady.
DeleteDont rush into having children when you are not ready.
You need to ask him the right questions.
ReplyDelete1 - He wants kids as soon as you both get married, which is ok but have you asked him what he will do if they don't come as soon as possible as he wants? God is the maker of kids and not him.
2 - Leaving your job to relocate to his base. What will he do if you don't get a job as quickly as possible?
I'll always say this. Ladies, please, have a job or business you're doing before getting married. You will so need it.
Motherhood when done right is an achievement. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMotherhood in itself is not a personal acheivement; it is a blessing from God. What do you do to become a mother that is of your own effort? Well opening your legs to receive sperm, may be. The achievement is raising responsible citizens. Unfortunately with the state of our nation on a corporate and individual level, we must question the "acheivement" credentials of the average Nigerian mother. Awon #motherhoodisanachievementgeng# So, the one who has not conceived should go and jump into the lagoon, abeg!! I am a woman; I am a mother and I said it.
ReplyDeleteYou said he is not your spec meaning that you dont really like him, not to talk of love. Have you become desperate? You really want to become jobless to please a selfish man who clearly does not care about you? Is it that you can't read the sign? When will women learn!
ReplyDeleteYour man is 37 and childless because he decided to find some stability. If he is inconsiderate of your fears about said stability, you may need to lovingly ask him to think about what it would have been like for him to have kids at 25 or 30.
ReplyDeleteYou are the one who is going to be a mother to the coming children so you should be worried about being capable but no one is fully complete as it is practice that makes perfect. What you can do is to plan with your husband on how you will hit the ground rolling once you relocate- I hope to the west because some of these other countries have not caught up to civilization. Let him start planning with you on how to get jobs, trainings, courses etc to regularize your qualifications and get you some financial and psychological independence. I think you can wait a year especially since this is a long distance relationship and you actually don't really know each other. If the kids start coming really fast, it may even affect your marriage as he would strongly bond with the kids he has been waiting for and may not know how to respond to you since you are both adults who built a relationship on the phone.
Stella's advice is from a place of fear though with the best intentions. Her friend would still not have conceived if she started trying a year before her wedding. A good house is good because of it's foundation. Having a plan is not about everything happening according to plan but so that when things happen outside of the plan, you are prepared. You will be more desperate of you start having kids without knowing what you are doing as a woman and that would put a huge strain on your marriage and capacity to mother. If you both wait a year to grow the foundation of this marriage, it would help you with whatever challenges lie ahead, whether with waiting or raising kids in a country where you don't have that family support or social networks. It is even more important for you because of the age gap. He has achieved some level of stability and may not be that patient with you because he has passed this stage a long time ago.
Don't ignore your own instinct. Of you are not yet ready, please wait. Many people do regret not being prepared for parenting. I wish you the best.
Don't allow fear to deprive you anything in life, what will be will always be.
ReplyDeleteHave an open heart, you can have one child and give some space before number two.
do you really love this guy? If you do and are ready to go the marriage road with him then i believe you will have weighed all the options. i.e asked yourself the pertinent questions and ready to cope with the issues on ground. if you marry him and leave your job you know you have to be financially dependent on him. can you trust that he will take care of your needs without insults? do you both have families to put pressure on his finances? what if you dont get a job on time? is he the type to give without you asking?
ReplyDeleteas for children, if you dont get pregnant immediately will he be patient to walk the journey with you? some men who desperately want kids like that will even go and start trying outside without even testing themselves to be sure they are not the problem. what if you get pregnant immediately what will you do? my point is sometimes in life there are no certainties. if you are truly persuaded you love this guy then just go for it and t6rust God to work all things for your good.. but is you have a lot of self doubts then you might need to take a back sit and give this relationship time. not every relationship must lead to the alter. you have to be physically and mentality ready, but a relationship where there is no peace and too many questions might not you are not emotionally ready. don't let society or anybody pressure you, this race of life is not by general consensus or other peoples experiences. marry when your heart feels right
Poster better build yourself before marrying o,and never quit your work,you will regret it later.
ReplyDeleteLearn from peoples experiences.
The guy has enjoyed finish and build his career to the level he wants , now he doesn't want to compromise. Meaning he just wana marry you for baby making and not really for companion.
A word is enough for the wise.