Hmmmm..
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
MARITAL ISSUES
Dear Stella,
Thank you so much for your blog. It's a great platform and a haven for some of us. I have an issue that's been bothering me for some time.
I did write to you some time last year but I won't go into that straight away. I would like advice on my present situation if you please.
I am married and blessed with two kids. My husband and I didn't start off like most couples. I got pregnant and he was compelled to marry me to cover his shame because he had a steady girlfriend he was planning on getting married to at the time (I didn't know this). She left him when she found out that I was pregnant and he came to me all sweet and asked me to marry him. I was completely unaware of this other woman's existence and by the time I found out... well....
My parents also pressured me into marrying him because they were ashamed of me. I was twenty-five and horribly naive. He was my first and I knew almost nothing about the men.
Our years together were horrible. He seemed to hate me and would compare me to "other women" a lot. He wouldn't spend time with me at all and seemed uninterested in building a home with me and our son. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. He made sure to remind me of how unlovable and unwomanly I was. He would tell me how he was just managing me and that no man could ever love me much less understand me.
I stayed because I began to believe him; I stayed because I wanted my home to work. I wanted to give our now two kids a "home". Slowly, he grew to love our children as all the horrible things his relatives had told him would happen to my children did not come to pass. Instead our kids shone and shamed all the naysayers.
I have tried leaving several times. After my latest attempt, I moved back after the intervention of my inlaws. But I learned a few things about myself.
1. I didn't know how to be by myself.
2. I didn't have any confidence and my self esteem was in the pits.
3. I didn't know who I was anymore.
4. I didn't know how to stand and build a life from scratch.
5. I didn't have the support I thought I had from my family, especially my mother.
So now that I am back with my husband, he seems happier, maybe even changed but I no longer love him. I don't hate him but I don't love him. I can't stand sleeping next to him because I don't want him to touch me. I can't forget his outright cruelty to me; his meanness especially through my pregnancies. I can't forget his cheating and him sabotaging me repeatedly and treating me like trash. Or is it his long silences for months at a time. Or the insults or the neglect.
Suddenly he's all nice and sweet but for how long? there are too many bad memories. He's a good father and he takes good care of the kids. He spends time with them and pays all the bills. But...
I wish I could leave but I stay for the kids. But I worry that my not wanting him to touch me might destroy our happy dance at the moment and I don't want my kids to get hurt.
I have been focusing on building myself and I want to stay on this track. I want to build myself to be a better person and a better parent to our kids and believe it or not, a better partner to my husband. I know that sounds conflicting but it's not. I might not want him but I don't hate him. I'd rather we were good friends. I find that I don't not trust him anymore. He still lies about a lot of the things he did and insists that I might have psychological issues. I used to believe him at a point until outsiders would confirm my suspicions about him without me asking.
So... what do I do? I don't know what the future holds but I don't think I can ever love him again. But how do I live like this? It's not about sex because I am kind of used to him denying me intimacy for years and years. We've been married thirteen years.
I want to rebuild my life again and have something that is my own. I want to further my studies and start my business and just build myself all over again. I want to believe it's not too late. I spent too many years wallowing in misery and pain and feeling and living like a victim. I endured the bullying and accepted the disrespect until I said no more. It feels good to stand up for myself but I want more for myself now for the sake of my children.
Where do I begin and what do I do I do about him. I cannot avoid him in bed forever and even when we do do it I have to force myself to like it and get into it for his sake. But for how long can I continue like this?
***Hmmmmmmmm 13 years? ...if you are staying for your kids, might as well get help to heal and forgive him and try to start again....You cant stay for the kids in that kind of atmosphere cos it rubs off on them somehow!!
So sorry about how you were treated..I understand you but I won't ask you to leave.most women stayed for their kids..you can only stay if he doesn't beat you but if he does..please leave..build yourself,go out and get that degree you want..may God bless you.Amen
ReplyDeleteYou stayed when he was harsh to you, now that he has repented you want to commot... Madam receive sense
DeleteNa God go help you.
DeleteStory of my life. My husband has changed now, but I can’t stand him touching me. I have asked that we go our separate ways, but he will plead and say he will wait. It a very difficult situation. I’m cool with him until he wants sex. I can’t forget what he put me through....
DeleteWhy don't you see a therapist? Then start a business no matter how small.
DeleteAll I read here was "myself, myself, myself,...isn't that a selfish way of thinking. Yes, develop yourself, build your career and so on, but please, you are not just about "yourself"
ReplyDeleteThere are kids and husband in place.
And you have to be a wife and mother to them, else, they grow with bitterness. You won't even know when you turn on them.
You first of all have to forgive your husband who sinned against you. And you will also receive God's forgiveness for your sins. No one is sinless. In that way you can love again those that are dear to you.
🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
After years of ill treatment and gaslighting plus labelling her a psycho, she needs to be all about herself or else she will commit suicide. My dear you and your children are your priority. Do whatever makes you happy.
DeleteZukenuike this person @15.10
Delete@16:36
Delete"Her children" is foremost his children; they bear his name, not hers.
And I thought I read that "he is a good dad..."
See, the woman wrote in because she knows she has a problem of forgiveness and
loving (her husband).
She didn't for once write about leaving the man she married. So sheath your sword!
💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
Aunty Anon 16:36, you obviously lack empathy. Please poster, continue to look out for yourself . That is the path to forgiveness. If you don’t find yourself, hold your own, and find self love , even when you forgive, you will continue to be the victim. Build yourself, hold your own and then you ll become a better mum and wife and it will surprise you that forgiveness will come easier. It will come with confidence
DeleteI will say she should invest more on herself and keep open mind. Time heals, in the process of time you will be able to forgive and love again provided he is truly repentant of his bitterness towards her
DeletePoster, please find a place in your heart to forgive him. Marriage is not always rosy at first, but as time goes on it gets sweeter. Thank God he seem changed, let's hope he truly is. So now, Carry yourself with dignity. Respect and love yourself, he will have no choice than to love and respect u too
ReplyDeleteActually ur right. Thanks to all this ig relationship advice, I was always of the idea that once a man starts pushing a lady away with bad attitude maltreatment etc then that means she needs to walk away and never look back cus guy can never change. But u see this life ehn relationship experts wanna act all tough but reality is we are all humans who allow love to make us forgive stupidly after being hurt so bad. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't but u can't know if u don't try. Most rship gurus are divorced.
DeleteDoes that mean they are failures? The only failures are people who just sit and watch and never try out of fear.
know this lady whose husband used to fight her, beat her, n possible cheat on her. We all thought they were gonna divorce. But they are happy today. They are an elderly couple n I think the guy realized that nothing dey outside. The way they are now u won't believe that they ever fought. No perfect relationship or couple anywhere. People that are happy in love today doing her view my view won't show you the work, sweat and tears it took to build a relationship. They won't show u the heartbreak, the breaks, the betrayal
n the long road of forgiveness. So if one hiccup happens in ur love life u think that ur meant to move.
That stuff made me see relationships in another light. With all this my hard girl hard girl n cutting guys off at the sign of small red flag, I need to exercise patience.
I couldn't agree more with you anon19:25
DeleteDo you have a source of income. You sound like you are fully dependent on him. If that is the case start by getting a decent job or a regular side hustle. Give yourself say one year and if you don't still want him then leave peacefully. Coparent in peace. The kids will be fine.
ReplyDeleteSimple. 👍👍👍 @ Anon 15:16.
DeleteIf after a year it works out fine. If not, leave...you may bloom and become happier after you leave the marriage. There are some psychological damages that even after one forgives, save for divine intervention, it becomes near impossible to remain with the person that inflicted them. You may forgive the offender and wish them the best but things just won’t be the same anymore. Your children will be fine. Your happiness matters a lot. Don’t forget to table all before God.
Poor dear , 13 years is a whole lot of time , wasted . I really pity your condition. If you ask me , I'll say forgive for your children sake or you kiss the marriage good bye for your sanity.
ReplyDeleteMen with their wahala, you know you were seeing someone whom you claim to love and you were busy getting down with another, just look at the way you ruin this young woman's life.
Try fix yourself in something that will be yielding you money, there will be a whole lot of difference in your life if you are independent.
Maybe you'll love to stay cos of the kids but you really need your sanity back and in check . Wish you the best dear.
This is seriously serious.It be nice you let go of all of his shortcomings and let-downs tbt,ma'am
ReplyDeleteForgive your husband. I can sense the idea of being a single parent scares you to death and you want your kids with their father so stop bearing grudges and allow you both to heal together.
ReplyDeleteBoth of you got together in the most unconventional manner and there was no love at first. So he acted out and blamed you for ruining his life and right now, you are doing the exact same thing to him albeit subtle.
He's trying to salvage the situation and has a lot of correction to do but at least, he's trying. Why not open up to him and let him know how much he has hurt you than bottling everything up and resenting him. You both have a lot of unlearning to do and only together will that marriage work.
Forgive him. 🤗
Dear Poster you need to leave that environment..So you can heal for yourself..You don't want to raise broken kids...You need to be whole so you can give them all the best you have...
ReplyDeleteIf you continue being there, I forsee you murdering that man or harming your children..You may think you are above it but I don't want you to take chances..
Please go and see a psychologist/therapist to help you heal for yourself because you have gone through years of abuse and no one deserves that..It is gonna take time to heal but as I always say one step at a time..You need to heal first before you can really forgive him..
Parents Please I beg you because your child was pregnant for someone does not mean that they must marry them..Look at how they have contributed to the pain of these 2 individuals..Please daddy and mummy forget what people will say..Life happens and people make mistakes but it is wicked to make them live continuously in their mistakes...It is not fair at all...Poster E-hugs to you and All the best..
Visit a therapist, try to forgive him and leave the past behind.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, forgive yourself and your husband genuinely.... Ask God to help you
ReplyDeleteThen find something that interests you, then do it... Be it a Job, a business, a hobby, just try to make yourself happy!!
Let your husband woo you, try to be interesting, make him crave for you!!
You both started on a wrong foot but it can be adjusted!!
I will always say women should explore and live their lives at a young age. You were 25 and had just had sex and you had become pregnant. Have you tasted freewill and self-love. It's bliss. I'm sorry, I can't relate. You need to find self-love and happiness if not you have not fully lived. If leaving your husband would give you happiness, then leave. Ignore these blog people that ask that you stay. You need to start living. Go for essense not existence.
ReplyDeleteEssence won't keep anyone company at a later age. If she wants to move forward and out of the marriage, she needs to make sure there is a safety net aka another man waiting in the wings at least. It won't be wise for her to just up and leave the marriage without any certain plans set aside. The dating world out there is very bleak esp for single mothers. Most men don't wanna take care of another man's kids except he has his own kids from a former relationship n looking for companionship and a blended family with a mother figure. She needs to use her husband as a placeholder n see if it works out. If not she can secretly shop for his replacement and bounce when plans are finalized. You know, like how men do.
DeleteI do not advice she quits the marriage without one. I suggest anyone that has someone, stick to your partner and work it out or at least separate. Take it from a single late 20s lady that wishes she settled down in early 20s or at least 25.
When people say 'staying for my kids', I feel a certain way. Your kids see things, they watch how you treat each other. It teaches them the wrong things about love. Goodluck in doing whatever you think is right.
ReplyDeleteYour husband doesn't love you, never have probably never will based on all you've written. Make peace with that and take charge of your life.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't have a source of income after 13 years then maybe it's laziness that's your problem. Get a source of income just in case.
16:26 You believe she knew he had a girlfriend. You have a twisted mind. What you believe doesn't count. Some of you just can't do without your judgemental nonsense. She said she didn't know, it is simply means she didn't know.
DeletePoster, please forgive him, not because he is worth it but for your own sake and that of your kids. Forgiveness have ways of healing us. I have read about people you were sick and gained back their health only after forgiving those who went out of their ways to hurt them.
Sometimes we need to take responsibility for some of our actions and mistake. Your foundation with your husband is faulty. He despise you for trapping him with pregnancy cos I biliv you were aware he had a gf then and he knows you sabotaged their love. Yes hes at fault too but all I hear in your write up is about yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou guys still needz to start all over again..crave eachother again..woo eachother again.Possiblt seat down for serious discussion esp now that he is sweet towards you. Let him know how you feel exactly as you described up there. And most importantly Seek Whatever gives you your self esteem back. Goodluck
People like you are one of the reasons people die in silence. This poster made it clear that she didn't know the man was in any relationship and even if she knew, who truly sabotaged the relationship? If the man truly loved his girlfriend he wouldn't go about having sex tankless of unprotected one. For goodness sakes it was a mistake and this posters husband clearly is narrcistic. He is targeting her self esteem and that is their modus operandi. Even if he married the poster a virgin, he will still abuse her so stop making such comment. Stop abusing an already abused person.
Delete@ anon16.45 You too get sense abeg 💯
DeleteWhy are people calling her selfish? She is speaking about her experience and her pain. She spent 13 years considering others and now that she understands how important she is to herself, you are tagging her selfish. Please, her self- worth is important. Her pain has value. Even on flights we are taught to put on our oxygen masks before helping others. If you can't breathe, you can't help others stay alive. Dear poster, you are not selfish. You are self-aware and now realize that there is a problem. I applaud you for taking that first step. Knowing you have a problem is half of the battle. Now, what should you do? You need to heal. You can heal with his help or without it (seek counselling on your own). You also need to express your pain. Speak up. You are disappointed in a lot of people and your expectations about family and marriage have been damaged. You need to make peace with your past too and speak positively to yourself. The mind is powerful and once you allow negative thoughts, you act negative. You also need to forgive yourself and your husband (when you are ready). Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for you because without it, you will be held back. Please speak to someone. Give yourself time and take things a day at a time. Find a job or something that will take your mind in a different direction (momentary escape). Love yourself. Ask for help, get friends who will support you regardless (emotionally more than financially). Don't ignore how you feel any more and don't give anyone power over you any more. It's been 13 years. If your mother has not forgiven you by now, that's on her. You don't have to validate yourself to her. That kind of toxicity is definitely not what you need. It will not be easy. But it will be worth it because YOU are worth it. I wish you peace and love.
Deleteit is well,Try and make yourself happy that is all i can say.
ReplyDeleteMany are together out of necessity but not in love. Many are married but in love with someone else. But in all of this, each must find a way to live with the other. If not, just lieave and find peace. Two wrongs don't make a right.
ReplyDeleteMy partner did worst to me but changed as soon as I started making money. For the sake of the kids I still allow him to stay with us anytime in comes for holiday. In your own case you live 24/7 together. Best thing is to let go for the sake of the kids. That's the sacrifice we mothers pay.If you are financially okay I would have advice you to separate for a while .
ReplyDeleteForgiveness is not easy to give. Try and open your heart to forgive him.
ReplyDeleteI will still blame you for using pregnancy to tie him down. You can try to deny it but you and l knows the truth. Any man you use pregnancy to hold down, will definitely end up like that.
Don't pretend not to know... Especially, try to forgive cause the lady in question must have felt broken,and betrayed by your husband's unfaithfulness.
In life, we should try to seek amendments over things. Did your husband promised her marriage and later rescind because of your pregnancy?
If they didn't end in peace, you can never enjoy that marriage. Forget that line of yours, "finding out later".
Nne, make peace with your past, and learn to forgive him. Ask him about the lady,and how it ended.
You wrote this???? 🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆
DeleteNkogheri as usual. I'm not disappointed.
DeleteHow can you say this kind of thing, the man took advantage of her because she was a good woman,he slept with her when he knows he doesn't love her and when she got pregnant he starts frustrating her,if only she has a good family that got her back, she wouldn't have stayed long in that marriage
DeleteAmarachi iwu nno ezigbote anuohia. So the man is absolved of his cheating? Your mindset is sick!
DeleteEhya sorry poster. You will need help to learn to forgive and forget and be of a free conscience so you can have a happy life with this your husband.
ReplyDeleteThere is work to be done. Be strong
Or you leave
Have you told him about all of these like you've told us?
ReplyDeleteYou need to let him know. Your healing starts from there since you are staying for your kids, you must heal to avoid damaging their sense of how an ideal home should be.
I wish you well.
There are people you simply cannot converse with and abusers are that kind of people.
DeleteDo you think she’s stupid?
DeleteNigerians truly hate women. Get married or die trying. And if something goes wrong they will point out that you could have simply left the marriage they emotionally blackmailed you to stay in. We raise women to think of everyone’s feelings and how to appreciate men and don’t even raise men at all. That’s why a man who cheated on the so called love of his life and had sex without a condom is bitter that he got someone pregnant. And people are actually blaming the girl he slept with and deceived into marriage. If his girlfriend didn’t reject him he would have left the side chick alone to build her life as a single mum/terminate and maybe by now she’d have found a new partner or built a great career for herself.
DeleteDear poster.. That was a lot to deal with, but there seems to be hope for you guys to work things out.
ReplyDeleteYou are this hurt cos he has not had a chance to make up for mistreating you.
First of all, you guys need to have a heart to heart. Tell him how he hurt you, how you feel right now, also hear him out, and give him the chance to prove to you that he's ready to do better. In other words, you guys should start with what you didn't do before. Date! He may not make the move, cos the mind of most men doesn't really work like that. You sell it to him and let him know that it's important for you guys to build a proper relationship and get to understand each other. Let your communication process start and build up from there. Good luck.
This is not Nollywood.
DeleteJust watch him for a while. Is he being nice because his ego was shattered that his longtime victim could leave him? Do some research and find out if maybe he had a long term girlfriend that jolted him and MOST important: find out if he’s having financial difficulties. Leave or stay for you and not society. If he kills you or you kill yourself or him these same blog commenters will say “she should have left” or call you “desperate to answer Mrs”
ReplyDeleteNot loving someone doesn’t mean you should treat them poorly. A lot of commenters will insult you because in their mind a man has good reasons to treat his partner poorly. Women marry men they don’t love all the time, we even force underaged girls to marry old men, and no one expects the man to be treated poorly. If you choose to forgive him it should be on your own terms, not for society or in laws- but forgive and care for yourself first. Get a therapist or counsellor, meditate, exercise, go on a holiday somewhere (even if it’s a weekend in the same city you live for a few days), treat yourself. You are a human being deserving of love and respect and it’s a pity that Nigerians do not see women as truly deserving of love and respect and make excuses for whatever a man does. Pregnancy is not a crime, he too cheated on his girlfriend that he allegedly “loved” so clearly his love means nothing. He has consistently shown that he is unkind, a misogynist and lacks integrity so build yourself and your finances and limit what you disclose to him about your career (if you choose to stay). With time, you will come to a rightful decision about how to live that is best for you and your children. Do not focus on the man because even when a man is in “love”, he will always put himself first- and when he doesn’t, society will. There are those of us that understand you, love you and care for your rights as a human being. All will be well
One million likes for this comment!
DeleteWell Said!
DeleteAlso take care of yourself Poster; children are very observant.
If you have teenage sons and you treat yourself well, you raise them to treat young woman the same, and also help them set standards for themselves.
If you have teenage daughters and you cannot hold yourself to high values and esteem, they will be raised to have low self esteem.
This is why it's important to Love and value yourself First, then you can love others the same way.
All the Best to you!
Men don't know it usually gets to this point. The nonchalant phase. Very horrible phase and if God doesn't intervene, the relationship usually packs up because one person has lost the zeal to keep fighting...
ReplyDeleteAnon18.09 I’m in that state now. And to be honest I don’t care anymore if I die God won’t accept me into heaven cos I suffered in marriage.no he won’t
DeleteThis woman is not happy. Does not sound happy and it seems like she may never find happiness with him. Whats the use tolerating a person because of your children, you haven't even lived..you haven't sis. For me I would advise a short break from him, if possible, that time should be used in finding yourself and then you can return if you feel you need him.in your life.
ReplyDeleteYou would always remember the cruelty and taste someone said above, it would fester and show up on your children. Take time out to love and find yourself. You are not just a wife and mother, you are a woman...and by the sounds of it a nice one too.
Those of you accusing her of using pregnancy to trap him should stop it. If he was a good boyfriend why was he cheating on the other woman? Abeg stop babying men.
ReplyDeletePoster, for your sake, get a job or start a business. Keep yourself busy. Even I am not comfortable with his sudden goodness. What if he is behaving that way to make you put your guard down so he can run away with your kids?
Just spend your time trying to be financially independent. By the time you get there, you'll know what to do.
You need a big break!! Taking Tim away from a toxic or non forgiving situation does not make you selfish. Even from your children , You are not neglecting them , you are just taking out time to heal and be a better mother to them. You don't have to stay in the marriage , you are not obligated to stay in the marriage . Give you self time rethink , heal then decide what you want to do.plus when people say take time out you don't have to travel far away. it can be just taking out time everyday and spending time with yourself ,realising What you like and don't like, what you deserve and what you will not take ,setting healthy boundaries and you will be good to go
ReplyDeletePoster tell him all you've narrated here and how his words and negative attitude broke you. Find time to both heal, you were his surprise pregnancy and not his first love.
ReplyDeleteYou both need to communicate and heal the past pain before it becomes a permanent pain.
How can a man sleep with a woman he knows he doesn't love and when she becomes pregnant he starts frustrating her, that man has never been good to you, but since you said he has changed forgive him but don't accept any nonsense from him again and focus on your life, your career and try to be an independent woman
ReplyDelete