Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicles Of A Married Man - 17

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Sunday, March 21, 2021

Chronicles Of A Married Man - 17

I was on a work trip with my boss and we got talking “My wife built a house, I am just finding out now, one year after”, he said feeling very sad.








Yea, it happens. 


Woman do that these days. This is not the first case I have seen. One even happened some years ago when the wife built a house without the husband’s knowledge while they were still living in a rented apartment. 

On completion of the house, the wife finally told the husband, asking him that they should park to the house she has built. All hell broke loose. The husband refused and it almost broke the marriage.


The worst I saw was when the husband was paying rents unknowingly on the house the wife built before they got married. There was a year it was so bad that the husband had to borrow money to pay the rent after so much stress. You can imagine the shock when the husband discovered he has been paying rent to his wife!



I want to talk about “my money is my money and your money is our money” mindset that a lot of woman bring to marriage. Is it right or wrong? I would say it depends, considering the part of the world we live right now. I have always made references to our Nigerian condition when writing.

In Nigeria, we all grew up with the mentality that it’s the duty of the man to cater for the family. He works and earns to settle family issues and bills. If the woman is working, it becomes a plus for the man. Especially if she is willing to support the man. Because of this mindset, wives will naturally want to hold on to their monies and expect that the man will take care of everything. Though many women are doing better these days.

Add to that is the condition of certain marriages today. Many women, when they no longer feel secured in the marriage will want to get some form of “backup” just in case things go south.


 In the case of my boss, the wife started building the house when she found out that he has a “sidepiece” and she felt she needed to secure her own future. But in her case, she was wrong, my boss was going nowhere and she is already his next of kin.


Early in my marriage, we gave each other the liberty to do whatever we want with our monies after settling our collective needs. One of the funny questions I normally ask my wife whenever she says she has finished her money is “you don buy land, abi you dey build house?”. The point is that, she is free to do whatever she wants with her money even up to building a house; but actually, building a house or doing a major project without telling me will be very wrong. I am never going to accept that. Also, whenever I am in a financial mess and I need her help, I expect her to help.

I’m not against women building houses, doing projects or achieving their life goals. All we want is, just carry us along. Afterall it’s your money. A smart husband will always allow his wife have her way with her own money. But informing him and letting him know, is the least you can do for him. So why all the secrecy?

We men need all the support we can get from our wives. Having a wife that gives such support is nothing short of glorious. I have seen colleagues of mine who spend up to six months offshore because they want to meet up, while their wives are in town doing nothing to support but just spending the monies they are making. So, if I see the ones that are smart enough to even think of building a house or other project with such money; I see that as a smart move.

Finally, we are in the age and time were women now make their own money from the work of their hands. Woman are pushing boundaries now and even fighting neck-and-neck with men in certain professions that used to be exclusively for men before now. So, one piece of advice to men marrying such women is: sit down with her, plan and agree on how you want to manage your finances.



I did some professional exams this week. Failed two out of four. The cost of doing the retest alone is driving me crazy. It further reinforced the fact that managing a family, working and building your professional career through further studies nor easy. For woman who have been able to juggle between family and career, and to have strength to develop themselves. You are the real MVP's.



I saw the way Pa Pete Edochie was dragged throughout this week on the media space. I wish I could comment. But the fact now remains that there is a thin fine line between airing your opinions and being called a narcissist these days. You don’t want to be caught in the crossfire. Maybe someday, I will share my thought on that issue.

Till next week…



Ciao!



*Abeggy, some men are destiny Killers and once they find out what the wife is doing they will make sure they kill the project..
Any woman who is married to a destiny killer has learnt to be secretive... Rant on all you want!

62 comments:

  1. I πŸ’― agree with you Stella. As if we don’t know the mentality of a typical Naija man.

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    1. Naija men have made women smart. If they know u have money, they start hoarding theirs. If the women start over spending on the home, the men draw back and start misusing their money.
      Any which way, women should have investments and hidden money, for their own good

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    2. @Sue

      You are 10000% correct!

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    3. Bia is it not you that cheated on your wife?
      Na question I dey ask.
      Wo, let her build her house in peace, once nijah men know you have money,them go wan finish that money.

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    4. They won't rest until your money is finished but will spend theirs on side hens. Stella on point.

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    5. Well ike stell always ask,where una dey see those type of men. I married an uhrobo man,who had the mind set that a woman must always serve him and do his wish. But while dating and him mingling with my family and friends,he started seeing life differently. We have our personal house,which we built with both our money involved in it. We have lands with our names on it. Investments with our joint names. Bank accounts as both of us as signatories. I get his alert on his domiciliary account,and have an atm to his account. I do not ask him for money,i take if i need it. He knows how much i earn and have in my account. He knows how much i give my mum as her monthly upkeep. We made up our mind,from beginning to tell each other everything and open up. He has his reason,cos his mother suffered while the father used his money to do ashewo. So guy man said,his wife and children should spend his money. Don't get me wrong,there was a period of 3yrs he was owed salary, no help from anywhere. I carried the family along,paying fees and house rent with help from my family.

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    6. Na dis kain men person dey dey open to, don’t judge any woman hiding money, all the ones that got kicked out with nothing wish they were smart enough/empowered enough to have savings and investments.

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  2. If your husband is a good man, you can tell him. But you see those abanilayeje horsebands, tell them, and that project will never see the light of day. A family friend was inside the house when she and her children were evicted cause the man sold the house and land. She then bought and built her, her mistake, using the man's name on the document, oga sold the house again. Wo, Abeg. God don't let me marry the one that isn't for me

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  3. Some men won't encourage you, especially when they have not gotten a roof of their,they will make sure their wives project money finish ,me I have learned to be secretive in some,aspect abeg

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  4. Men of this days are destiny killers for real, God help your daughters.

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  5. Sometimes you cannot really blame the women that behave that way,they probably have their reasons.

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  6. Your Boss' wife was not wrong in her decision to secure her future considering her reason.
    Your Boss might not have had the intentions of divorcing her later but what about the side piece? Do you Know what her own intentions might be. A man that decides to take a side piece has broken the trust in marriage and therefore does not deserve the complete trust of his wife anymore.

    A hedge of protection in her marriage has been broken and she had to have some form of insurance for her future and children.
    Is it not recently we read of Billionaire that threw out wife of over 20yrs out of their banana island home because of another woman.

    This is 2021, women are becoming wiser and smarter.

    Nice write up btw

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    1. Yvonne,thank you. Nothing more to add. With all due respect sir,your boss is stupid. So he broke the trust he and his wife shared,desecrated their vows and expects her to trust him,expects her not to secure her future. You see how mad and selfish men can be. The line that even annoyed me was "she was wrong,my boss was going nowhere and she was next of kin". What utter balderdash!! How was she to know he 'wasnt going anywhere' because as is stood,he had already gone somewhere - into another woman's honey pot. Even if she knew she knew she was next of kin,how would she know if the man would change it eeing as he's found a new love. Rubbish men with their rubbish sense of entitlement of loyalty when they aren't loyal themselves. Mtchewwww

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  7. Mrs Stella, I beg to differ please, which one is destiny killers here, someone wrote about supporting the family, you hiding behind some men are destiny quenchers, will you be looking at your husband kill your dreams and you do nothing? Men world over are expected to take care of their family, something which is not exclusive to Nigeria alone, in doing that, any support that man gets is welcome, but alas a lot of men don’t get the required support. I could recall my mother in this category, though I’m not married, I intend to support my husband when I eventually do, I can’t imagine leaving all the responsibilities of nurturing our family to him alone, which is why I will enjoin my female folks to support their husbands in the best way possible. If you now detect traits of having a side chic, spendthrift or destiny killer in him, make your stand known and guard your heart with all diligence before you decide to change your mind about not supporting him again

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    1. See me looking at you with corner eyes. Watin elder see while seating. Pikin wey stand on top tree will not see it. I wish you well.

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  8. I still stand with the phrase of "A happy wife is a happy home" if you give a woman even the tiniest of reason to doubt you best believe you've disturbed her peace which is the most important thing every woman crave for, then don't expect full loyalty from her anymore except you redirect your steps and try to earn her trust all over again...if not,na sorry be your name

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    1. @giftmoesha, you couldn't have said it better. Once trust has been betrayed it is difficult if not impossible to regain it. But they will never hear.


      SHE

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  9. Husbands and wives don't see eye to eye when it comes to family finances. So, before you MARRY, TALK ABOUT MONEY!!
    Commonly, a hoarder marries a spender or vice versa.
    Yes in our culture, when men make more money than their spouse, they believe their superior earnings entitle them to greater power in decision-making. By contrast, women who make more than their mates almost always desire democratic decision-making, which also is fair enough. However, the failure of people to explore their money personalities is what always leads to deep misunderstanding and hurt. But once such a way of talking about money is established couple can then work out a solution to almost any problem, a solution that best fits their own unique needs.
    So, what my wife does with her money after all the family needs are discussed and met is her wahala but as long as we are in this marriage together, NO SUPRISES.

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  10. Thank God for the man I married o,he knows I am on to my 2nd building,he still encourages me

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  11. THE ISSUE HERE IS "TRUST"

    When one says "spouse" one is talking about "life partner"; husband or wife. If one has chosen above (all men or) ladies to live with "this fellow' as a life partner in love; then love is all about sharing. When one say "my husband's money" or "my money" is it not an anomaly? when one shares everything intimate (including sex); if they can't have funds together; where is the oneness? Hasn't the aim of marriage been defeated? The issue of oneness is in sharing everything. The excuses many give is "I don't trust her to know how much I earn or am worth". If one is a follower of Christ; who did Jesus give "his wallet"; was it not Judas? How much trust did Jesus have for Judas? These are some of the issues that intending spouses should define in courtship.
    On a personal note; my husband and I had a common "account" from the moment I accepted to marry him. He decided to put me in charge of every financial spending. He makes contributions and there is no issues about that. There is no account that we have had since marriage that bears one person's name and the mandate is "either to sign". WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT "HIS MONEY" "MY MONEY" hasn't the purpose of marriage been defeated?
    Finances usually breeds quarrel among couples and the taste of the pudding is in the eating. Married for more than a decade an NEVER ARGUED is our testimony by the grace of God. When there is concealment of finances, the lady makes demands, suspect the husband of keeping a concubine etc. But when the two are open to each other in the way described above; thee will be no room for mutual suspicion!

    A couple we know lived financially apart. The man is reasonably well to do but the wife dared not ask or "take his money". He gave her "handout" of money from time to time; monthly allowances etc. All his businesses were solely in his name. He took ill and his doctor gave him a damning health verdict and he had a surgery fixed. He knew that he may not come out of the theater alive. He quickly summoned his wife and took her to all his accounts and made it Joint and she could sign. Made his kids 'next of kin" in all the accounts and re-registered all his businesses with the wife's name inclusive. Even the financial aspect of the surgery and bills, the wife was in charge. He told her, "If I do not come out of the theater alive, sell all the exotic cars and keep just two" etc. IT WAS NO LONGER AN ISSUE OF THE WIFE TAKING "HIS MONEY"; THE WOMAN WAS IN CHARGE. He confessed certain misdeeds to the lady and they prayed together and he got into the theater. AFTER 9 HOURS OF SURGERY, the news came . . . he survived it! It was this singular experience that changed his attitude towards family finances as concerns his wife. She knew about every penny that dropped or left the "family business" as it became.

    Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions." (Luke twelve vs. fifteen)

    :

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    1. 14:08 I love your comment and examples.


      UNFORTUNATELY, there are wicked and selfish men and women in marriages.

      Some husbands are not supportive or play field while some wives would never allow their husbands to financially support their siblings extended family.

      It is only the regenerated human heart that can yield to God and His Word.

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  12. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. Why will you come to this conclusion?

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    2. Have you seen how the average bini man treats his wife or even his own sisters? Do you know that in bini culture, women get nothing as her inheritance? Leave bini women to deal with their men the way they know best

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    3. Please put the women in your life or in your circle in that category and leave others out of it.

      If you had bitter experiences with women "all over Nigeria" then that's on you. Be a man, build your own empire and stop dragging women to that crappy analogy.

      All this mediocre versions of ceaser cropping up everywhere....boring πŸ₯±πŸ™„

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    4. Na wa for you Alexander.

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    5. Why are you all in his grill? Didn’t your fellow women up and down here make their opinions known without no man bashing them, how come Alexander dished it back to you all in your own coins but you ain’t having it, women, can’t take what they dish out but always want the world at their feet

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  13. The question I always ask those spouses having separate finances is this;
    Supposing you die today, what becomes of your kids (first) and your husband, next
    whom you claim to love? πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„
    I have seen millionaire kids and widows turn to beggars after his death. It is selfishness,
    stinginess; it is a disease!

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  14. The problem with our society as it concerns marriage and relationships is this two things:
    1. Patriarchy conditioned mentality (75%)
    2. My money is my own, your money is our own mentality (25%)

    And in we ladies are the ones that keep giving the men justification to treat us the way they do. Personally I don't think any lady who isn't able to fend for herself and pay her bills, should put marriage at the top of her bucket list. That way, we are financially empowered into marriages. To be honest, when I look at the average man, digging their heels to make ends meet without a support it hurts. Every lady out there who pays her bills, knows it's not an easy route.

    Back to this story, I don't think it should be a problem if the woman does this without her husband's knowledge. Because for the woman to even contemplate it, means the signs of distrust are glaringly touchable. So the onus is on most men to be who their wives got married in their marriages. Without which many wives, would continue leaving them out of their private projects. Just like they do to us. If a man is not truly open to his wife and carry her along in all he does, he has no right to expect that from his wife. Except where such woman is not financially empowered. She lives at the mercy of the man's goodwill - the major cause of most marital squabbles.

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  15. Its good when women contribute and also have projects of their own. This is the dream of every wise man but what I dont understand is why most men are threatened by their wife's progress... A woman will not hide such a project from her husband if he didnt give her the reason to. I also advise everyone to carry out project in their names but with the trust and advice of the husband. If he kicks against it, please do it without his knowledge.

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    1. You are wise.

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    2. Not most men, some men. There are insecure men and women everywhere.

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    3. But Alexander you painted all Bini women black.

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  16. Abeg, your boss' wife was right. Imagine! He was cheating on her! What did he expect? That she'll trust him with her financial future? Was it not some weeks ago I saw on Instablog that a billionaire threw out his 68 years old wife? See small children insulting her in the blog that she wasn't smart enough to own her own house.

    I support any woman who chooses to secure her future without her husband's knowledge, especially when those me have demonstrated that they cannot be trusted with finances.

    A relative died penniless because she was doing humble wife to her husband who would squander her hard earned money. Even when she bought land and it came to his knowledge, he made her sell it and the money disappeared. Till today, the effects of their bad decisions can be seen in the lives of their children.

    Any man who wants to end marriage because he found his wife bought land or built a house should get out for all I care. Any woman who decides to appease the husband either by selling off the property or putting his name on the property will always live to regret it.

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    1. I concur. Once you notice your man is a cheat it is time to change certain things and think of your future and that of your kids.

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  17. From my experiences, most of the women who built houses without telling the husband was cos of the traits he exhibited when it came to money. A client had an inheritance that she recieved from her late father. The husband convinced her to sell and "sow" it into his business after all it's for "us" he said. The moment the money hit his account, he first of all changed his car and hers and started buying unnecessary expensive things and was doing big boy life till the money finished.

    Fortunately for her, she had other properties of hers which she didn't disclose so she quickly made her kids next of kin and locked up. Divorce has set in.

    However, another issue is the so called "friends" of some of these women. Married women by now should know who genuinely cares about them and those who are jealous of them. The latter will not only destroy your marriage but ruin you in the process. I remember a former neighbor who chased out his wife cos she bought a car without telling him. Meanwhile it was her "friend" who advised her not to tell the husband and then went behind to tell him. She promptly became his wife after that.

    Also, A good friend wanted to divorce her husband cos of the property they bought together was in HIS name. ALL her married friends where telling her to leave. Eventually they made up and turns out her friends were the ones chasing after him and lying to him about her hence his name on the property.

    Then there are women who are traumatised due to experiences they had growing up or past relationships that made them decide never to disclose what they own esp the ones from polygamous homes. You really can't blame them cos all they are looking for is security and if they can't get it from the husband , they will get it elsewhere.

    Finally, It's just better to marry your best friend...you both know what you're capable of and both of you can build together without all these 'stories that touch' we hear everyday.

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    1. The ogbeni who chased his wife out and married her friend would have made the same decision even if the wife didn't buy a car behind his back. He just got an excuse to do so

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    2. But there's no guarantee in marriage. Marrying one's best friend doesn't always work out well too. And bear in mind that only a few have the opposite sex as their best friend, before starting a relationship.
      Perhaps you meant to say, built genuine friendship in your relationship, that way you have something to hold the the flames when the fire is burning out.

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    3. Women pulling women down.....

      So sad.......

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    4. That's not what I meant Ebony Oge...flaming fire has nothing to do with property. A partner who values the same principles as you is unlikely to keep secrets from you esp when it comes to property...that's the point.

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  18. It's amazing how the average Nigerian men excuses the unfaithful behavior of their fellow men. Nigerian women on the other hand would want to kill their fellow women even on an allegation of cheating.

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    1. They excuse it with alacrity. See how Alexander insulted all Bini women based on his limited experience.

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  19. Shebi there is saying that goes thus 'Man made man to be wicked'
    When I first met my husband, Oga was doing non professional job, I was not working but was on scholarship stipend, we planned to save together and invest together etc. After marriage, Oga got a professional job, I got a not so paying job at the time too. Oga woke up and decided he wasnt doing combined finances again....I was shocked, few weeks later I got a mega paying job better than his but by that time, e don late. I am planning on buying and then leasing a property in UK's second biggest city next month without his knowledge.Next is in Lekki by God's Grace
    Bottom line is he broke the trust and that got me thinking smart.....kikikikiki.

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    1. Hahahahahah! I bet he wanted to begin combined finances. Men tend to behave like they are smart and can get away with bad behavior. Yeah! Ladies of these days are not like their mothers of the past. Sorry

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    2. I can't blame you at all.

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    3. Men expect that they will do all sort of rubbish and women should meekly swallow it.

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    4. Just know that if you are in uk, the house you buy is seen as marital property!

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    5. @ Femilicious you dey mind her, they will come here spewing lies and expect us to swallow it hook, line and sinker

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  20. Women should be wise. DO NOT TRUST A MAN WITH YOUR MONEY. I have always earned better than my husband and I support him A LOT. He squandered a lot of money I gave him in the past - money he said he needed for business. I pay school fees, buy food, pay rent. I have seen a lot and my eyes are now opened. Now, what is mine, is mine. I am building my house now - and it is in my name. When the house is completed, my husband can move in with me and the children if he wants. For me, I really don't care. Don't judge me. You don't even know 1/100th of what I've been through in this 22 year old marriage. And yes, I have other properties he doesn't know about. Nigerian men, once they know you have money, they must finish it for you. Stella, don't post if I'm not anonymous. Thank you.

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  21. Replies
    1. Excuse ☝️, please you forgot to address the boss that has a "side peace" which led to the wife secretly building a house.
      Thank you in advance.

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    2. Lol.. 17.50
      That's not the only example there. What about others there, the one his wife built a house and was allowing them suffer while at it, and the one who was collecting rent from the husband even when he had to borrow money to pay without him knowing she's the one he's paying to.

      The way you ladies just had selective amnesia on those ones but started to masturbate on the one who had a side piece tells alot on the shameless you people are. Hypicrite

      Next time come with your blog ID

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  22. Poster if your boss was the one that found his wife has "a side piece" would he just chill because "Madam was going nowhere and he is already her next of kin?"

    Husbands honour God, honour your vows and honour your wives.
    GOD DOES NOT HAVE DIFFERENT STANDARDS FOR MEN AND WOMEN.

    The wages of sin is death. 🚢‍♀️🚢‍♀️🚢‍♀️

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    1. The reality of a lot of women. Imagine a man cheated but still expected his wife to be grateful, afterall he is 'going nowhere'. He couldn't honour his vows but expect her to honour him. Joker!

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  23. I dont like reading chronicles of a married man cs it's always self centered

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    Replies
    1. You have said it all!!!
      Man-centred being.

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    2. He's just a typical patriarchal African man. Don't like reading his thing too

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    3. As in! From the very first day,i knew there was something about him

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    4. Hahaha. That's probably because you all are averse to learning. TBH some of you are beyond redemption even with the writer's balanced views. Sad to say, I've also observed that some of you cherry pick what to respond to esp the part that aligns with your agenda. The funniest are those who respond out of context with a preconceived and unamenable notion. Thumbs up to the few who read to understand and give a balanced view as well. Btw Nice writeup.

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