Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative..

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Monday, August 30, 2021

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative..

Oh My God!!!!










STAND ALONE NARRATIVE

LOSING YOURSELF WHILE TRYING TO FIND YOURSELF


The past years wasn't rosy but fair enough, I kept grinding and hustling really hard, but 2021 came at me like a magic and unexpected blessings.

If someone or a prophet had told me around January/March I will be in this present position I would argue and say it is a lie.



Over seeing about 25 workers, plus my side hustle doing wonderfully well.


In the process of finding myself I never knew I was gradually losing myself and it dawned on me that I am the cause of my problem.
I live my life just me, my God, my mom, Dad and my twinnie...never gave anyone space at all, even there are some times I don't even reach out to my brother or parent, I was totally lost.


There was a time I was sick for over 2 weeks and I was indoor self medicating, wow that was the most crazy shit I have ever done not even a call to those who love and care about me...not until my mom just came to my place(mothers have this instinct to know when something is wrong)and saw me in bed helplessly and she cried bitterly ''haaaaa mum I don't want to inconvenience anyone reason I did not tell anyone'' next thing I received was a loud slap because that was always my normal slogan, she said who was supposed to inconvenience her if not her children that was how I landed in the hospital.


While in bed I was looking at my mom and a lot was running through my mind, if something had happen to me, what will she be going through we are just two I and my twinnie, all because I am trying to prove one unnecessary thing...I was back on my feet and I started carrying the 3 of them along in everything I am doing.


Just come with me; I am getting somewhere.


So at that point things weren't going the way I wanted it, like it was so terrible that i had to change the city of my location.so I told myself that I was going to deal with it on my own(which I did)so I shut the door to every one: I did not communicate to a single friend for a whole year; just my immediate family....TRULY NO MAN IS AN ISLAND.


Then it gets interesting without knowing how badly this has affected me,I had no single friend or even a relationship, because I believe no lady can stick to a guy who is broke, so I no even near any girl before one girl go even still dey vex on top the small change wey I dey manage ,so I believe when I gain ground then I can think of going into a relationship:


 I don gain ground finish now I no reason am.

Then I realized I already shut doors to friends, love and relationships.

My mind is so messed up that I can't even keep a single friend ; when they come I shut them out immediately e
ven when I know their love is real and genuine something just tells me it is all fake and I push them away.


Relationships nko? I have tried to get into one but I just don't know how to do that anymore, "come on I was a lover boy and very romantic" these days I am just so scared of commitment because at the end I believe them go still leave.


For instance if I meet a girl now and it gets so sweet and interesting at the beginning for the first two days immediately I will just withdraw and stop communication, even when the lady reaches out I would just lie that I have been busy with work.

I just lose the connection immediately and run back to my shell.

I have tried Stella's singles mingles but it doesn't just work out , I just get tired of it easily.


To those beautiful ladies I met on Stella's singles mingle, I am really very sorry it didn't work out, I'm scared and my mind is messed up because anything love  days cringe me.



Has God been faithful? Yes tremendously... 

I'm doing fine for myself, living in the most expensive place in this city, within 5 months my life has encountered a massive turn around.


Am I happy?
No I am not
I wake up every day feeling this emptiness in me, I am lonely and its so boring, just work and home.

Sometimes I want that love and affection but i no longer have it in me to give, so how am I going to get it when I don't have it?


No wonder my director came to my office and said ''Mr you need to see a therapist''.


I LOST MYSELF WHEN I WAS TRYING TO FIND MYSELF!!!

Bv Bigbanty




* Dear Big Banty.
Thank you for opening up, the healing and finding love will begin from this post. You have been in my inbox for so long and i already suspected something like this after the last time (Remember?) cos you always had an excuse not to want love...

Now that you have realized what the problem is, the healing will begin.

Have you tried reconnecting with old friends?

Please contact me for his email address if you are interested in being friends with Big banty, he will reveal his location to you and whatever else you need to know.

I also apologise on his behalf to anyone he met through Stellas singles mingles and he withdrew into his shell. Please do not contact me for his contact if you are not open minded or if you are complex and toxic.

74 comments:

  1. Oh dear! I feel like giving you a hug. You would be fine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You formed a coping mechanism that works for you and that's okay but in life we have to put ourselves out there we may get hurt along the way.

      Create a routine for yourself that let's you open up just an inch and keep working your way up, it's not going to be easy but doing something is better than doing nothing.
      Being too comfortable in a situation is not always good.

      Delete
  2. I once had that emptiness in me.
    YOu know who filled it?
    JESUS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yessss Jesus filled mine ☺️, I met this wonderful community, I started hearing the word of righteousness and faith of the Son☺️.
      Too much love I almost burst with happiness when I enter the gathering. Trust me this is all you need

      Delete
    2. Yes o Bv Big panty. Give Jesus a chance. No matter the friends you make here , they will never fill that void. It's for Jesus. This sounds like πŸ˜”, come to Jesus and He will heal you. If you are interested in joining a church where you can be helped. I don't mean conducting deliverance. I mean where there is love and joy and sincere friendship and a wise and kind pastor, Please leave a comment here and I'll follow up. Thank you.

      Delete
    3. @Anonymous 15:16 I think I know the community you're talking about. It was the same experience for me. The love is so surreal. Omo. I was like so people can be kind like this? People can love me like this? It was crazy. I'm there too learning the faith of the Son and salvation of my soul and my life has never been the same again. I'm at a very peaceful place

      Delete
    4. Please which community is this? Let me join too na.
      I dey avoid all this tomboy tomboy churches that have nothing to offer.

      Delete
    5. Truly Jesus is the only answer, I was in this same situation in 2019. It was so bad that even some comments here get to me so badly, I stopped going to church at a time but do pray at home even my husband didn't know how to help me but I later took charge of my thoughts, find a new joy in Christ far above my problems, I returned back to church making sure I didn't miss convenat hour of prayer by joining canan land online every day and I got my healing by the word. I now trust God more than ever before. Bigbanty God is bigger than all your problem run back to him.

      Delete
  3. It is well .....your problem has been solved...believe me..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ehugs Big Banty Thank you for coming out strong..Ehugs to you dear..Nothing to add..Sometimes one needs to practice a lot of emotional intelligence because people are going through a lot..

    One step at a time dear You will pull through from this dark hole...Ehugs dear..

    I dedicate this song from Billie Eilish - Everything I wanted...Ehugs darling...

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  5. Wow! I pray that God be kind to you,Big Banty

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. You'll be fine. Just open up yourself to love.

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  8. It's well with you Big banty
    Stay strong bro ❣️❣️πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hugs to you bigbanty❤️

    Congratulations to the Pinkies, God bless your family

    ReplyDelete
  10. I love your Mum already.
    Hugs Big Banty, you will be fine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚you love his mum for slapping him?πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

      Delete
    2. Canny, yes oh, you know our Naija Mums πŸ˜‚ God bless them

      Delete
  11. It is well dear.. we're all going through different things in life..life they say is not easy but with God it becomes a smooth ride.. wishing you all the best dear

    ReplyDelete
  12. See a therapist, and take it easy on you...
    A good fuck will open your heart😜

    ReplyDelete
  13. I love people like Banty for friendship, I will so worry you ehhhhh, that, that lonliness will disappear, even when we might be in a different city. I was like you, until I met a guy that made me feel so good, so happy. And just want to live life

    Will get your number from stella

    ReplyDelete
  14. OK ooo. It is well with your soul

    ReplyDelete
  15. This used to be me. I am always the keeping to myself and family type of person until something happened in my life. I needed friends but didn't know how to keep them. Was having the worst trust issues. It wasn't easy. I simply joined the choir in church, that helped me meet new set of people other than my colleagues at work. I am much better now. At least I can drag myself out of the house just to have fun, no more making unnecessary excuses. You'll be fine, just don't give up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Choristers are usually a boisterous, funny, crazy bunch. Joining the choir helped me overcome loneliness too in a foreign land.

      Delete
  16. I wish I can hug you big banty,thank you for opening up.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I can relate with you on this and I also just realized I need help. I pray you get the help you need

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  18. i once had this kind of feeling.getting close to God was the best step i took

    ReplyDelete
  19. Be strong. That shutting out of people after somedays, they start calling you names just cos u no want again, but they dont really understand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly @ BB. Till today, one of my friends doesn't talk to me, even after I explained time without numbers that it wasn't deliberate. I just let her be and moved on.

      Delete
  20. Dear big banty,
    I was in similar state like this in year 2009 thru 2011,I was young and clueless, it was God's miracle that I didn't commit suicide cos I was going through alot and was so damn alone, had only God,I never gave up on God and He never left me either. In 2011, God showed up for me, ever since then, I would be the last person to believe that God doesn't answer prayers. I look back to those days and reaffirm that life is indeed in stages and phases.
    E-hugs bro. 😘😘😘

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oboy! This is me exactly. Na my mum dey call on a steady. I have also participated on Stella's S&M but withdrew from the chats for no reason. Worst is I work from home so it is just me in my world. Na to subscribe to online therapy be that

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  22. Life!!!!,it's well with you

    ReplyDelete
  23. Depressive bipolar? See a psychiatrist or doctor to get a diagnosis first

    ReplyDelete
  24. Eyah,Bigbanty,it is well with you,it takesca lot of guts to actually open up like this,and that's the first step to healing.I suggest you see a well trained therapist to help you overcome the trauma that made you this way,Above all take it to God,he alone can fix it,E hugsπŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–

    ReplyDelete
  25. πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

    You've conquered already dear. Start living like it. You see that emptiness you feel, look for those who need help, in any little way you can and be a blessing to them you'll feel better. Join a community to reach out, make new friends, choose to be happy my dear. πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hmmmmmmmm
    It's well big banty

    ReplyDelete
  27. Sandy J Stitches30 August 2021 at 15:50

    It is well with you banty. In all u do pls seek God, he alone can fill dat emptiness in your life.

    I pray dat d peace of God dat passes all understanding rest upon you in Jesus name.

    E-hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Big banty, you have to live again, that's d way I see myself now, simply living and enjoying myself now... I'm doing things I don't do before, e.g pick a friend or two, and just go out to have fun, forget everything for that time ,just gist and merry and listen to good music, with time you will loosen up..

    ReplyDelete
  29. One's mind will be messed up one way or the other in life but it takes the grace of God to get it right again

    With God all things are possible. If you need to see a therapist pls do and also don't neglect Jesus in all of these
    πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

    ReplyDelete
  30. E hugs to you Big banty. Your director is right, you need to see a therapist, if your brother/twin lives close by, bond with him. Get your self a room mate, get involved in various social activities, you'll meet with people who'd push you out of that feeling, I'm saying this because it has been helpful to me, I forget my loneliness/worries whenever I join group of volunteers for social works.
    Most times, we end up losing out when we put much attention to find a better us,carry people along in your journey, those you trust enough.
    I pray the right set of people comes your way and may you find yourself in a better condition soon




    Felicity

    ReplyDelete
  31. Biggy,it is well wt thee,God is on ur side,he will never leave nor forsake you..d comments from bvs are so uplifting,, be encouraged.
    Ada ohafia

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  32. Awwwww.........Ehugs I must be your friend lemme disturb you

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  33. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  34. @BV Big Banty, I am glad you wrote to Ma Stell's. This is the first stage in getting yourself back. Things will get better. You will steadily recover from this unpleasant place emotionally and physiologically. I wish you the very best in all ramifications. E-hugs to you ❤❤❤

    ReplyDelete
  35. It will get better
    A little help here and there with God by your side
    It will get better

    ReplyDelete
  36. I could have written this. This is just my life with some exceptions. I don't shut ladies out after two days. I try to date them for some time and if it isn't working, I let them know and move on.

    I don't have a single friend. I don't have a girlfriend, but I don't feel depressed. I am very happy with my life. I just love to stay indoors and watch movies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are an introvert, they enjoy their own company.

      I think Big banty is going through something more than introversion.

      Delete
  37. hmmmm.bigbanty it is well ,I can relate perfectly well, but thank God for my hubby n kids, most time I feel like hiding from people, and u tell you its not the best way of life, I started living all over again when I started learning tailoring,it helps me to meet with people and I love been around people now, though I still keep people at arm length,but at least I mix up during the day. Please you're still young, been a loner doesn't help anyone, I regret not having friends around again, don't be like me, we all need people , nobody should be an island, you can start by joining a unit in your church,I will suggest protocol unit, since you're a guy, it will help you. Please try and change for your own mental health. And be careful relationship wise,cos a hear break with this mindset can be worse

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. “ been a loner doesn't help anyone”. That’s it right there. No man is an island like big Bantu said. Thank God for your life.

      Delete
  38. Ehugs banty every thing will be alright soon

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  39. I am really sorry for lashing at you, Bigbanty. I am sure you know who this is. I thought you were being evasive on purpose. Now, I know better. Please find yourself and do better.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I can so relate, even with three kids always humming in my ears, sometimes i just want to lie down asking how i got to the point i am in. But for my kids, hmmm, I thank God for them and allow them disturb me to keep my mind busy.

    Banty, mingle with people around, church even these little children around can keep ones mind busy. It is well. God will strengthen you.

    ReplyDelete
  41. You will be fine, Big Banty. It is a gradual process. I pray God sends true friends your way. Try learning something new outside work or joining a great group. You will surely rise again and better.

    Soon, you shall celebrate.

    ReplyDelete
  42. This is me right now, except that, I am still finding my way up there. My whole life has been about not being there. We worry too much! No one is really there if you look critically. I keep to myself a whole lot but thanks to this amazing guy I met on SnM. He's soooo playful and I hope this is really it. So, I'd say, loosen up more. It's a process. Like I said, I'm just getting my groove back on after a loooong time. You too can. And, you don't need a relationship NOW. It'd seem like a rebound, trust me.
    Find your happiness first.
    Create your personal space.
    Create some for the people you are about to let in.
    Then you gradually let them in your OWN space. NOW, you can start a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  43. This is me right now, except that, I am still finding my way up there. My whole life has been about not being there. We worry too much! No one is really there if you look critically. I keep to myself a whole lot but thanks to this amazing guy I met on SnM. He's soooo playful and I hope this is really it. So, I'd say, loosen up more. It's a process. Like I said, I'm just getting my groove back on after a loooong time. You too can. And, you don't need a relationship NOW. It'd seem like a rebound, trust me.
    Find your happiness first.
    Create your personal space.
    Create some for the people you are about to let in.
    Then you gradually let them in your OWN space. NOW, you can start a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You people should stop staying indoor too much and go out more. You need sunlight especially our dark skin needs lots of vitamin D. Read more on symptoms of VIT D deficiency.

      Delete
  44. It is well with you. some bv don't know what some people are passing through, please be nice always.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Awwww Bigbanty to think I thought of you just recently. Please hold up well, this is a phase it will definitely pass but pls don't neglect your support system, you need all the love now. Sending you loads of kisses and hugs, you will be fine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It’s a phase if he really gets on this as soon as possible. If not, he’ll be stuck in this phase for some time.

      Delete
  46. You’re like this and you have a twin???? Surprised! I think you need to see a Therapist and then join a Bible believing Church fellowship. It is well with you in Jesus name. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Big Banty It is well with you,Sending love and light your wayπŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’•πŸ’•

    ReplyDelete
  48. I can relate o, the only difference is I have a friend that likes my company so she comes once in a while and my mom also likes calling me to hear my voice. If not if I come back from work I am always on my own. My phone battery is bad I don't care about fixing it cos I don't even care if you call me and my line is not available. I dont even make effort to keep in touch,but funny enough I just realized that people are nice to me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What if someone is calling you for a job interview or similar opportunity?

      Delete
    2. A lot of people are depressed o. Na wa oo. God help us. Folks please take care of your mental health

      Delete
  49. Story of my life πŸ˜ͺπŸ˜ͺ so similarπŸ₯²

    ReplyDelete
  50. It is well with you,the first step is realizing you have a problem,opening up to someone and seeking solution,loosen up a bit,carry ur family members along In ur day to day activities,go out and socialize a bit,try to make new friends,don’t push the people coming to u away.see a therapist,and in all these don’t forget to seek God,he gives peace that passeth all understanding.u will be fine eventually

    ReplyDelete
  51. You should get into some type of group/community activities/volunteer even if it’s just once or twice a week(you need genuine friends/support). But first you definitely need to address your mental health before joining any group self. You’re most likely really stressed out from working so hard to build your Empire and all. Your body is signaling “take care of me”, I need rest. Reason why you fell sick. If you can take good 2wks to 1 month break from work and just distress and sleep very well, you’ll start to come out of your depressed mood. Get a good deep tissue massage, meditate/deep breathing, Pray, read Gods word or some of uplifting books, exercise(very good for the brain as it’ll boost your mood/mental health), take vitamins especially vitamin D that has vitamin K2 and supplement to boost your energy level, buy Adrenal support for short term use if you can as it helps greatly with stress level (it’ll help with deep restful sleep). get out (go for a run and sweat and let the sun shine on you in the Morning/evening. You might be deficient in low VIT D(read more about it) if you stay indoor too much. Do this and you’ll see your mind, body and soul improve drastically. And yes therapist is an added bonus. However, you need to combine all this together for your body to repair and heal. Take things one step at a time and before you know it, you’ll be back to yourself. Ps: don’t get into any type of relationship now because you’ll get drained easily and relationship Na work. Even friendship self. Just focus on you for now and support from your family and with time, you’ll be excited to meet new people/your old friends and just excited about life in general. Wishing you all the best πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ½

    ReplyDelete

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