Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 39

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Sunday, August 22, 2021

CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 39

This is a beautiful piece!!!











Lots of times I hear people make these comments, “didn’t you guys discuss it before you got married? Didn’t you see this or that behavior before you got married to him or her?”

Whenever I hear such comments especially from online advisers, I just smile and shake my head. Discuss all you want, plan all you want, agree to whatever you want while dating. But after marriage, it’s a different ball game altogether.

Fact is, people change after marriage. Marriage will so alter the course of your life that looking back after a couple of years being married, you will wonder what happened to you.

You can agree about how you want to manage your finances, the number of children you want to have, the roles you want to play in the family, who does what or not, the church you will attend, how to relate with your in-laws, where you will live, your career choices and so on. Most of the time, things will turn out differently.

The ironic thing about young couples making plans and agreement before getting married is that they feel they are in control of everything, they assume that they have everything figured out. That life will just go in the trajectory of how they have mapped it out.

No couple ever imagined that they will become a TTC couple, or they may lose their jobs at some point or the economy will burst, or they will end up with terrible or uncooperating in-laws or that the once loving and adoring husbands will cheat on them, or that their partner may have health complications, or they may give birth to physically or mentally challenged children. The list of “what ifs” is endless.

In marriage, lots of unplanned “shits” happen. Not due to anyone’s fault. But it’s just life, and it happens. Not being mentally, spiritually and emotionally prepared for such eventualities will definitely take its toll on you. This is where the changes come.

Most times people are overwhelmed by what they see in marriages. A cousin of mine has been losing weight since she got married and we had been wondering what was wrong with her. I got to speak with her sometime early this year and I asked her what the issue was.

Her response, “it’s marriage stress”. She got pregnant the first month into her marriage and went through the rigors of pregnancy before she could barely settle into married life. The second child came in quick succession even before the first child was fully grown. Now she has to manage with two kids, her husband and her job. I dare not tell her to quit her job for her marriage. But I could see that the marriage is taking a heavy toll on her.

If I was inexperienced, I would have criticized her. “Why didn’t you do family planning or at least agree with your husband how to have your babies, why didn’t you tell your husband to give you time, why isn’t he supporting you, why don’t you get a house help? Why this…why that, yada yada yada”.

But I know, I have seen what marriage can turn people into. Even with the best of preparedness, intentions, plans and guidance; lots of people are still caught off guard or even lose guard in marriage. In her case, family planning may not have worked, or maybe they just wanted to have all their kids once and rest, or the pregnancy just happened. But bottom line is…you will never know. And like the old saying goes, “who nor go nor know!”

Marriage will humble you.

Unmarried people are the best at giving marital advice. I have seen lots of them giving excellent marital advice. But always remember, you don’t know the kinds of options people had to choose from, you don’t know the background such people are coming from, you don’t know the level of ancestral entanglement and battles they have to fight or contend with, you dont know the circumstance that led to the marriages, you don’t know their financial or social status.

Even some of the things I “condemned” my father doing, I have started doing them. So, before you start criticizing people or giving certain advice or commenting on issues you haven’t experienced, think about it. People are not as stupid as you think. Some of our parents stayed in very abusive marriages because they thought beyond themselves and about the future of their children. It was a sad case but they had to make a choice.


Marriages are different like I always say; and they are usually controlled by different circumstances. There are no general or specific rules on how to have a perfect marriage. Allow people live their lives. For me, I have always said happiness is the key. Some of the happiest marriages today are those where the couples have identified or sought out what made them happy, and pursued it. Let’s allow people seek happiness however they please as long as they are not hurting anyone or nature or God.

Marriages these days are beyond just the husband and wife involved. There are the children, the extended family and the society at large. Always remember that your actions or inactions will affect not only your partner but these other people.



Some people lost their career, business and much more when their marriages crashed. When I was cheating, I saw the consequences. So, when people make certain choices allow them to breathe.

Also, don’t get carried away by the media. For the fact that people divorce everyday or that certain “woke” behaviors abound these days doesn’t change what the traditional marriage institution is. For every
two divorces in Nigeria today, there are ten other marriages working out well…you can google it. Don’t let online celebrities discourage you.  A Lot more marriages are working today than you think.

Lastly, marriage is not a respecter of your position, degree, status and opinions. If you want a happy home, you have to build it with your sweat, blood and time. Do whatever it takes. Don’t let anyone discourage you.

It’s not every time someone comes online for advice, you shout “divorce him”.

 See your mouth…

E go be!.


Ciao!





*LMAO @ See your mouth.

54 comments:

  1. I discussed all those things you listed there and more
    with my fiance. After we got married, we did not change one bit.
    YOu know why? Our faith is in Christ and we believe in marriage being like Christ
    and his Church. Did Christ change after marrying the Church with his precious blood? No
    When you are truly saved by Jesus and you are living according to his teachings, you won't
    begin to commit sexual immoralities after marriage, like I've read you do
    here over and over.
    You will in your life begin to abhor sin of any type.
    We have kept to out financial obligations/agreement; joint accounts...with lots of peace.
    Put your faith in Jesus and build on it and you will have a solid home.
    😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See your mouth!!! Mrs delusional! Keep dreaming πŸ˜‚
      We are born agian! We are Jesus!
      We eat Peace biscuit. We drink Jesus juice. YadayadayaπŸ˜’πŸ™„
      Mrs perfect

      Delete
    2. Mrs Perfect...do I want to be like you?? Hell NO!!

      Delete
    3. @14:06
      This is exactly what I wrote below. It is wrong to think that the anomalies in your life exists in every other person's life.
      People with such mindsets do not learn to improve their lives. Why not ask her the more, how she does it? Or at best scroll away
      at what you do not understand. That's the vain mindset I saw in the Ciao poster always.

      Delete
    4. 14:06πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚ you just killed me with laugh.
      Peace biscuit, Jesus juice????πŸ˜‚ I'm dead.

      Delete
    5. Wow, what nonsense! So you want to tell me that there aren't other people like you who have absolute faith in God yet they are tried and tested with loss of jobs, illnesses etc...? Just thank God and keep quiet. Plans do not always work sometimes simply because God always has His plans too.

      Delete
    6. @Sandra and anonymous
      cursed is anyone who calls evil good and good evil ...Isaiah 5:20

      Delete
    7. Poster, Igbos say *ife ekwulu ekwu emero eme kalili* = *there are too many said things that don't get done*. Marriage is not an exception

      Delete
  2. It’s not every time someone comes online for advice, you shout “divorce him”.

    See your mouth…

    When I read the above I didn't know when I started laughing.

    Thank you for this piece

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So on point. I just told my wife that I'm not mentally ready for another baby. We have two kids already - 2 years old and 7 months old. She's liking sex so mad abi us. We are horrible on birth control. And I'm so miserable now cos of a lady family friend, she's so beautiful, Godly & caring. I don't understand this feeling for her, she respects me so well. I feel like relocating to another city cos of this.

      Delete
    2. Anon 14.56 please I would like to recommend a book: Point Man by Steve Farrar, cos what you are facing right now is temptation.

      Delete
    3. 14:56, shey when they say opposites can't be friends; you folks will start screaming insecure, paranoid etc.

      See, you cannot be sharing your deepest emotions with someone not your other half & say it's nothing.

      Those emotions you are sharing with each other will later start triggering sex cravings from each other. This is naturally how the body demands love making not the current madness that anything like pornography & money trigger it.

      What is hungrying you is just sex. Your eyes will clear when it's over!

      Stay away from that woman

      Delete
    4. I also laugh when people say that.
      A lot happens in marriage
      People grow
      People change
      People learn

      It's also funny when people say marry your best friend
      Even your best friend can change
      A friend can become an enemy

      People can grow apart, people can fall out of love.

      This is why I don't see anything as a do or die affair.
      It may sound selfish
      But always put yourself first.
      Marriage is not easy.

      Find out what works for you both but if it doesn't still work, it's okay.

      Delete
  3. Nice write-upπŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘
    Lolz@ see your mouth😁😁😁
    God help us help marriages o.

    ReplyDelete
  4. U nailed it and sincerely such things has been coming up even immediately after my Registry but I have this strong feelings and determination that things will get better...


    Alot of gist after 28th of this month..from Preparation for Registry down to wedding date....my eyes don open to alot of things wey at times I just laugh abt

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. With the comments you make sometimes and wifey is a blog visitor too? That open eye needs extra lens too

      Delete
  5. I discussed which church we will be going almost every day when I was dating my husband, today the story is different, no family member from both sides will stay with us without any good reason,the story has changed my brethren and many more but there are things I can cope with so I've decided to let it be cos he is a good man but that "didn't u discuss it before marriage" many people don't keep to the agreement. in all,if it's what u can cope with fine and if not do what makes you happy

    ReplyDelete
  6. Replies
    1. Very expository.
      Nice write up πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

      Delete
  7. Mehn marriage is hard work. Even to a good man sef. I hate anything I can't do effortless,I'm that lazy.
    I always tell people,my boyfriend is different from my husband. Most of the things I discussed with my hubby when we were dating is only 80% of it has come to pass. Some days I ask myself why I ever married. It's hard I won't lie.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Me laughing @ see your mouth. I learnt something here from this write-up. God bless your home sir.

    ReplyDelete
  9. What I found utterly faulty and reprehensible in your admonitions is the fact that you simply think that the anomalies in your life
    and marriage is happening in everyone else's. Most of the things you've espoused in your column overtime are debasing and at best
    iniquitous;
    keeping wild drunken friends you call "fellowship,"
    adulteries and fathering kids outside of marriage by these members of
    your "fellowships,"
    late night outs for "married men" while their wives are at home sulking and bitter,
    hiding offspring from wives and living vain lying lives...
    And it is really appalling that in the midst of all these, you expect a similitude of normalcy in your life
    and marriage and you dare think that everyone else is undergoing same? What a wow!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow **** I don’t get this ur rant. The guy is only sharing his opinion and I tend to agree with him. Calm down. Go and lie down and rest. It will do u some good. Enjoy!!

      Delete
    2. Thank you for the short summary!!!!

      Delete
    3. Why are you judgemental? Is this comment of yours related to the post? Even Christ had challenges how much more human being. No marriage is normal or without challenges. Folks like you are are always do as I say and not as I do. Are you better than who? Who the hell are you?

      It's because of you the poster emphasized that working marriages are more than divorced ones. The God we serve sees our hearts and knows the secret things we do but do you know the secret things your partner does?

      Quit being all holy because you, your family, me, my family are not holy.

      'Nough said.

      Delete
    4. **** I like your reasoning abilities and command of the language.

      Delete
    5. @Baltika
      I found your rants rather obtuse and uninteresting. Did Ciao not espouse any of the things I mentioned in my response?
      Pointing them out, is that what you call 'judgment?" Please do not just end it with "even Christ had some challenges..."
      Mention those challenges that Christ had and how he overcame them if any.
      Do not just assume that every ills in your life is present in other people's lives. You don't learn with such mindsets.
      Matt. 5:48 Be perfect even as your father in heaven is perfect.
      Heb. 10:14 By one Sacrifice, he made perfect those that are being saved

      What God sees as perfection is being in Christ and obeying his teachings. Giving your life to Christ is giving him your imperfections.

      Delete
    6. You need to think outside the box, those things you pointed out do not have to happen exactly the way the poster mentioned! And the point he is making is, there are things you plan for and discuss before marriage which unfortunately go in the wrong direction in marriage.

      Delete
    7. Most of the things you've espoused in your column overtime are debasing and at best iniquitous;

      ****, so why do you read his column? Why are you reading something you consider debasing and iniquitous?

      You call yourself a Christian yet referred to Baltika's comment as obtuse? I put it to you that you are simply a pharisaical individual.

      Delete
    8. Obtuse = annoyingly insensitive
      Hope you now know the meaning? You all think that a Christian should not talk.
      It is painful to you to see a Christian who is analytical and sharp witted.
      Yes,, Baltika's comments are obtuse. Why was she saying that her comment was "judgmental and
      not related to the point?" Is that not an annoyingly insensitive thing to tell an adult? You all
      can't come to a public blog and control what people read and what they shouldn't. Comment and go
      and another will comment and go too. And look at your last sentence very well because you just used
      an adverb as an adjective.

      Delete
    9. Continue defending yourself, God knows your true motive when you called her comment obtuse (stupid, dull). Chief Pharisee!!

      Delete
    10. By the way, you conveniently ignored the question --> why are you reading something you consider debasing and iniquitous?

      Delete
    11. Saint reading iniquitous column πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      Delete
    12. Let me give you a Bible search assignment;
      "And this gospel of the Kingdom must be preached throughout the whole world AS A WITNESS TO THEM,
      and then will the end come..."

      Someone must preach, even to Brothels. I am here to do just that whenever I can. Thanks to you all
      for reading what I write. I pray that these words will not stand against anyone on judgment day. Cheers.

      Delete
    13. Your own words will actually stand against you. You know why? You don't have an atom of love in you and Jesus clearly tells us that is the greatest commandment. Pls go and meditate on 1 Corinthians 13

      Delete
  10. Lol@ see your mouth. This is Sunday's best...

    ReplyDelete
  11. I laugh when people ask me if I didn’t see my husbands womanizing when we were dating. We dated for 2 solid years and he was the most attentive boyfriend. God fearing and all. In fact we have been married 15 years and he is still the best husband and greatest father. But he has girlfriends. I keep trying to explain to my people that it’s not everything one sees when dating. And like was said it’s usually the single ones that ask. Again when dating he was not so generous. I didn’t mind cos I had my own job and money and he was so caring. Now as a husband he is the most generous human being. What he gives me for house keeping is like 3 times what I actually need. There is nothing we need that he can afford that we don’t get. So u take things as u see them. No be everything dey show itself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think many Nigerians truly realise what being God fearing involves.

      Delete
    2. 14:36 I feel the same way too.
      If you ask most what they feel it entails they hardly have any idea.
      There was one single and mingle post a lady relentlessly commented on saying she wanted a God-fearing man I was impressed by her comment and continued reading until I got to the part where she said he must be very good in bed and know how to please her and she threw me off balance and I just looked away. I am not saying there are not any other qualities you should look at asides fornication but that was one example that shook me. Most people do not have any idea.
      We are all works in progress but with a godly man, a truly godly man there is a huge difference.
      I can give an example of so many things truly Godly man wouldn't do but the some would laugh it off.

      Delete
    3. 17:38 πŸ‘Œ exactly my point!

      Delete
  12. Very aptπŸ‘ŒπŸ‘Œ.I believe this piece was written by someone who has years of experience in marriage,I can relate.

    ReplyDelete
  13. @14:07, I would want to think that the poster does not or did not assume that there are no good marriages...based on my understanding, he is basically saying ..sometimes you may not be in control of how things pan out in your marriage regardless of how prepared you were before marriage. Life happens to all regardless of if you are a Christian or not, however,it is needful to make plans, control what you can and leave the rest to God(if you believe). The difference between being a believer and non believer is how you respond to issues when they arise. But this picture you paint about having a faultless life or marriage is wrong...totally...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. God bless you. You couldn’t have said it any better. Her comment got me thinking how she and her husband will respond if a big test comes their way.

      Delete
    2. Thank you. Life happens and will always happen whether you're a Christian, pagan or a Muslim.

      Not only in marriage, singles too experience life events taking a different twist after much plannings.

      In all, we keep striving and trusting God to re-allign our lives.

      Ciao made sense...

      Delete
  14. I've been married almost 2 months, though le hubs is a sweet guy, I still find myself missing being single. I've always been an independent person who likes my space. I feel choked 90% of the time. Marriage is hard work. Especially when you're married to someone that's easily manipulated by his family. It is well

    ReplyDelete
  15. Just like life, change is constant. Marriage is not an exception. We change but making conscious efforts to stick to our plans is the hard work therein. I have seen a man who vowed never to marry a second wife. His wife was my mum's friend.She was really proud of her man until when the man decided to marry a second wife after 30 years of marriage. Afterall, they were muslims. Be prepared for change. Only God is unchangeable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Truly and indeed, only God is unchangeable!! Anyone that puts their trust in man will be let down.

      Delete
  16. You got the nail on the head. Thanks sir

    Tblack

    ReplyDelete
  17. Sir,I have high regard for u

    ReplyDelete
  18. Nice write up!thank you sir for this!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anon 14.06 your comment left me in stitches

    ReplyDelete
  20. I look forward to your write-ups so much,it's insane.

    ReplyDelete

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