Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 47

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Sunday, October 17, 2021

CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 47

Pray that a woman should not feed ou!








  I asked my friend how he was coping and he said. “Oboy e nor easy ooo. It’s been one day, one issue. I couldn’t even sleep well last night. Anything I do now, it’s talk. I never knew this side of my wife before now. Oboy pray make woman nor feed you for this life ooo”.

He was my school mate back in the days from Warri. He was among the people that showed me around when I first came to Port Harcourt. Over the years we grew apart due to work and some other reasons until we reconnected earlier this year. We have been hanging out every once in a while.

He was on of the casualties of the Covid-19 pandemic as he lost his job by the end of last year. For someone who has been working in a multinational oil and gas company for the past 10years, he was already used to a certain kind of life style. Being jobless for the last 10 months has really put a lot a strain on his marriage.

His wife has been the one shouldering most of the expenses in the house for the last 6months and has paid the children fees for the last two terms. The wife can comfortably afford to cater for these things as she is a senior manager in her company and earning well off.

I have known his wife, for more than 10years now. She has always been a supportive wife and like the average Urhobo woman, she has been loyal to her husband. She has managed and weathered the storms of marriage with him over the years even with all his excesses.

So, what changed? I kept asking myself while listening to him narrate his ordeals while we “did” a couple of bottles. Though I only heard one side of the story, but at the end of the night, I could make some fair assumptions.

In the case of my friend, he has always been the bossy one and a kind of overlord in the house. He could afford to go out and return whenever he likes and come back home expecting food at his feet. Household chores were never an issue as money  solved that easily. His wife didn’t care because there was money and her needs were met despite the fact that she was working.

he expected that such dynamics will continue after he had been jobless for more than 9months. The wife had had enough and wouldn’t take it any longer.


 The wife told him he needed to start staying at home to support her, he needed to stop coming home late and above all he needed to start pulling his weight in terms of the finances as she was already getting tired.

The wife also felt he was spending the little money he had on his extended family and outsiders. These little things have snowballed into a major family issue and both parties are getting frustrated with the marriage. Because of this, he hardly stays home and the wife won’t stop nagging whenever he is around.

I promised to help him talk to his wife when I return from work. But in the main time, I begged and advised him to take it easy. I know that his wife is a good woman and was probably behaving this way because of stress and pressure.

By the time we bade ourselves good night and left for our various homes, these lines from my friend never left me mind “Pray that a woman should not feed you”


Naturally and by divine order, it is the responsibility of the man to take care of the woman and by extension the home. However, nobody can predict the future, life can take some unexpected turns and events may play out differently. But when a woman begins to take care of the home, it comes with a lot of unintended consequences; Afterall he who plays the piper dictates the tune. 


This is not a situation a lot of men will be comfortable with.

Married men being taken care of by their wives; how do you cope? And for the women, how do you manage such men?

I have not experienced such situation before. I am not in a good position to give a firsthand experience on how to navigate such situations. However, as a proud Urhobo man with balls of steel and a dose of narcissist’s tendencies to go with. It is one situation I pray not to ever find myself.

Even while I was younger and still dating, I hardly collect things or ask for favour from women. I don’t want to hear “after all I did for you, after all my sacrifices”. Besides I don’t want any woman to place curses on me because she feels she has helped or done something for me.

I have never been one to share bills with a woman, talk less of having a woman take care of my home. Matter of fact, I have always seen whatever my wife earns as her own money. Even when she assists me in doing anything, I always pay her back.

Moreover, I feel you have lost some elements of control in the relationship or marriage once a woman starts taking care of you or the family needs. Also, such woman taking care of you will expect some form of loyalty and good behavior from you.

It takes a lot of grace and perseverance for a woman to cater for family needs on a long term and not behave badly sometimes. It takes a lot of courage for such woman to endure and still put up with your excesses as a man while still doing that. When you have such woman as a wife. You need to celebrate her. Such women need encouragement and good behavior on the part of the man.

The sad reality is that lots of women are sitting on this very table today. Some of the men even care less and won’t be bothered.

Some men find themselves in such situation by no fault of theirs or due to the present situation of the country; others who have become lazy overtime and have learnt to take advantages of such hard-working women and made life really difficult for them.


In this modern world we have found ourselves today, the concept of marriage is changing from what the traditional marriage is. In some cases, the women feed the men. It doesn’t make it wrong and lots of people see nothing wrong with it. As long as the couple have found an amicable way to make their marriage work. It’s all fine and good.

As always, I say all marriages to its own. Do what works for you and what makes you happy…whether to feed or be fed, the choice is yours.


We go see next week.

Ciao!

50 comments:

  1. Well, women who are breadwinners are trying because it wasnt meant to be so right from creation. It's only a matter of time before she snaps, and sure, they always snap.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There’s bound to be a snap if she has an ungrateful partner.
      *One who refuses to tell himself the truth and start living according to his pocket.
      *One who still lies to the extended family that he still has a job and a fantastic pay.
      *One who won’t try to assist her at the home front with the kids and chores he can easily do.
      *One who would rather give the public an impression rather than live his truth.
      *One who would keep pulling weight amongst his friends and be a spendthrift.
      *One who feels he shouldn’t look for job anymore since the wife is working. The list could go on. Just anything can make her snap.

      Delete
    2. Fr. Oluoma said jobless men should assist their wives even when they find another job.
      You can't be jobless and sit all day at home, expecting the one that has gone out since morning to start cooking again when she's not a superwoman

      Delete
    3. I remember the story of this ur useless friend very well, next time u are talking about any of your friends uve previously talk about put a link so ppl who have forgotten will read and see the reason they are presently going through what they are experiencing. I like the fact that your friend has seen that he is not God after all, next time he will learn to respect women too, u n ur stupid urhobo friends treat ur wives anyhow and feel too entitled doing it, what do u want to tell his wife? Did u talk to him when he was philandering and disregarding his wife because he has money, now that he is broke n useless he wants to keep same energy and u want the wife to indulge him because he is a man , mtchewwwwww

      Delete
    4. 17:51, ndi father si crew members.

      Catholics and their heroe worshipping of priests can be so annoying.

      That's the measure for who holy pass for them.

      Please what you said isn't wrong. I just hate that father si.. ..

      Delete
    5. Enchantress u have said it all. Most Nigerian men fall into one of those categories when they loose their income. Another reason is that sometimes if the woman doesn’t shout and vex like that the man will just get comfortable being jobless. Until u have experienced this u won’t understand

      Delete
  2. This marriage is not easy with all involved my take is do what works for you
    Don't use another man's manual to judge yourself. In all may all spouses be supportive of one another

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for this..you can't fix Samsung screen on techno product..it won't work fine.

      The situation of this country alone has put so many men in this mess.


      Hmmmmmm
      Think🀦.....

      Delete
  3. Good one Sir, Please tell your friend to quit his pity party and look for work permit outside Nigeria, He can try countries like Kuwait, Oman, Abu Dhabi, South Korea. If he worked in the oil industry, he can find work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You think it is easy? I have friends and relative that lost their job, till now nothing. One is even in Dubai yet nothing

      Delete
  4. I have been joyfully married for more than a decade. When we got married, my husband was worth virtually "nothing"
    I was worth some handsome millions. From the day we married, according to the teachings of Jesus that I understood, all those
    monies became "our money;" yes, two of us became one. In the eyes of the world around us "I was feeding my husband." But to me
    we were having a blissful time in our home; who cares. Years after, with five kids and one adopted, we are better and stronger
    and richer in everything but above all, in character; the character of Christ.😁😁😁
    The only thing that disgust me about your writing is when you begin you brag about the promiscuity of you and your friends. One
    should be very careful and sensitive when discussing disgusting past; do that with every sense of remorse and repentance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You married one if the few reasonable and straightforward men.

      Delete
    2. Thanks for this, I hope you share more of how you both navigated finances and if your husband was understanding till the end ot till he had more. Me I'm earning in 6 figures $$ which is quite above average here. So there's a high chance I'll marry someone earning less.

      Delete
    3. @15:59
      There is no "till he had more"
      We both have joint accounts, joint investments, joint property; we are one.
      Our accounts are linked to our emails and we do not defraud each other, we just can't. I don't even know
      how much I earn at the moment, but I know how much "we earn." He does the investments and gives me the papers for
      safe custody.
      There is no secret to it; but knowing Jesus as your Savior. He revealed this man to me personally, just like
      he saved me. We study our Bibles together, have days we fast and pray, have retreat vacations to seek Jesus and understand
      him more and interact with him. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus does it. It is so blissful to belong to him. I have intense pity for anyone that
      does not know him. Do not get me wrong. I was a bad girl before Jesus saved me. Jesus give new life. All those material possessions are
      nothing. What matters most to us is eternal life.

      Delete
    4. Agape love for you Mrs Anonymous. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. No life without Christ Jesus.

      Delete
    5. Ok thanks for your response. Remain blessed.

      Delete
    6. You are just lucky. U can’t do anything jointly with my husband. He will finish ur money with bragging. I learnt that one quick quick. The truth is no 2 people are the same and same as no 2 marriages are the same.

      Delete
  5. He needs to understand that the house dynamics has changed and pull his weight so his wife doesn’t feel stressed out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I grew up with my mum shouldering the responsibilities of the home and there was never a problem. Whenever my dad has he takes things up. My dad was a giver but didn't always have. My parents loved themselves abeg. My mum passed on this year and uptill now popsie still dey cry. True love is all that matters. If I have money pass hubby and he's a good man I'll take care of the home after all we are one. Don't tell me I'm talking cos I've not been there. It's was like that with my late husband whom I dated for a long time before marriage. Money is just extra blessing from God

      Delete
    2. Iam so sorry about your mum,losing one's mother is not easy,may God comfort you,I lost my mum this year too,I know how it feels,may God perfect your heart desires

      Delete
  6. Oga why you dey try sound diplomatic. Talk am oh ah as e be make women know where them dey fuck up and make men know as e be for 'street' so dem no go lose guard..
    Anybody weh win vex make e vex..

    Some years back I was with a big cousin and his friend, hanging out at the staff club of a university they both were employees.. na so the friend begin give us OT as we dey cancel bottles.. he said when he resigned from his former job before this, he called his momsi to tell her about the new development, his momsi warned him not to tell his wife about it, that he should continue leaving for work everyday, hangout somewhere then return home in the evening like nothing happened, she told him he wouldn't understand why she's telling him this until he tell his wife he's out of job for now, that's when his eyes would open.. oga no listen, him reach house tell him wifey, his savings grace was that he has some pride, so he told his wife (who was working and earning well by the way) not to feed him or buy anything for him, told her that she should just take care of the house and their two kids alone pending when he gets this other job he's working on.. Omo for those few months he saw fire in that house even though his wife wasn't feeding him..

    When anyone does a selfless act for you always appreciate them and make sure you treat them better when you can, na selfish people plenty for this world

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It’s good that he didn’t listen. He saw fire but they ve worked it out and prolly learned from that period. They will know how to navigate better if such happens again.

      Delete
    2. Lol .
      Perx, things never remained the same after that experience. He never believed his dear wife that he has been showing love before that little set back could treat him in such manner. And according to him, that's one of the reasons he isn't interested in them moving over to live with him in the state the university he works is, so he travels every other weekend out of state to see them and return back to his peace

      Delete
    3. I agree with most of what you wrote up there Dante but we should try to also look at things from both sides. I am sure no one man or woman will be happy hearing that their significant other resigned their job without discussing and agreeing on it beforehand.

      Delete
  7. I pray daily that i never become richer than my husband. That whatever he needs to really nethe head of family, in every form, God will give him.

    I married a very good man, his ATM card is with me, i know how much he earns, he knows how much i earn and he has never asked me for a kobo. Yes, i do my bit in the house, but its usually after all the major things have been sorted...

    If i am richer than my husband and i have to feed him for a long stretch of time, i will be cranky o.

    May it never happen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a prayer😳😳

      Delete
    2. I don’t have a problem with taking care of home front but he has to assist with the physical part and also try to be appreciative. It takes the grace of God.

      Delete
    3. Be careful what you pray for.

      Delete
    4. @gifty and @darajah

      I know myself and I don't deceive myself. And i am speaking with the current reality of my marriage. May my husband keep being the Godfearing man seeking God with all his heart that he is....

      My husband earns *10 of my salary, he earns in foreign currency and he has NEVER EVER made me feel less about it. Not a complaint or an implied comment.. Not even once!

      That can not be me. The anonymous below me (14:42) went months running two homes?! It can NEVER be me o...except if i don't understand what you people are saying sha..

      Buy food, buy fuel, school bags, school fees, fix car, hospital emergencies.. Etc. While the man brings NOTHING?!

      I cannot even lie, I will nag and possibly be irritated when its time for sex... Let God keep making him the head in all ways, may his pocket never run dry, may he never have cause to say "i don't have" to the needs of our home.

      God made me a helper not a provider please.
      May I never be in a position to feed my husband.

      Delete
    5. May God keep providing for our husbands so that they can be taking care of us and we will be supporting them with all our hearts. Amen

      70% of women are taking care of their families and God has been strengthening them. Its so natural for every woman to complain at times but with God she can overcome. Men should assist their wives in doing house chores, it will help the family in bonding with love more.

      Delete
  8. Its not easy.

    Money is really key in a family, dear singles do not be decieved that it is not.

    My husband was a lecturer and during the whole corona thing, there were issues with his salary.. For about 6 months, he wasn't paid and we relied heavily on my salary. It didn't help that we lived apart due to work and were literally two different homes.

    I had to pray and caution myself a lot of times that i felt the need to complain or nag. I always reminded myself that when he had a steady flow, he never made me suffer or beg for funds. So i would swallow my pain and respect him and even be more intentional about respecting him cos i know it was a sensitive time for him too. A broke man will misinterpret you, your actions, your jokes sef

    He is out of the country earning in euros now.

    And i am grateful that God helped me through that time,that i didn't use a passing phase to ruin a blissful future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are a wise woman. I thank God for your testimony.

      Delete
  9. The worst thing that will happen to any wife is to marry a proud, selfish , narcissist as a husband who no matter how you support him and feed him, never appreciates you as a wife and uses every opportunity to stress the life out of you. I know what am saying. My husband works but doesn't bring much to the table. He comes home meets good food that he didn't bring a dime to Cook, he will eat and even tell you what you should have added to make it tastier. In the night he will pray very well and when you speak to him about it he will tell you that he's buying fuel for generator. A woman can feed her family but lots of Nigerian men think that by not saying thank you to their wives or being bossy on top of irresponsibility makes them a man!!! Shame on all the men that are watching their wives go through hell and yet think it is ok. None of you will make heaven!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you the owner of heaven or you have the parameters?

      Delete
    2. The main issue with this is the african mentality affecting our men.
      It's not like women can't take care of the home, but when you can't support your wife you are worse than a fool.

      The woman goes out to make money, comes home and cook, then do house chores and assignments with kids, bathes and puts them to bed, then still have to make love at night and you expect her not to snap or get cranky? You must be joking.


      They lose their jobs but still want to be treated as kings.
      Some will remain home without lifting a finger, then dress up and go and hang out with his friends at night (in the name of connection) and you expect the woman not to change.
      Dear men, stop saying the woman has changed, just put yourself in her shoes and see if it's a beautiful fit.

      These same men will marry a white woman and do all chores 50/50 so why not here?
      Better keep working o

      Delete
  10. May a woman never marry an irresponsible man!!! May you as a wife never marry an ungrateful man!!!
    As a wife, my sister gave her husband about five million to build a house in the village, now for this man to finish the house he is passing this woman through hell to finish the house. She is still the one feeding the family, not like the man is jobless but he's always expecting that the wife must assist him to finish the house. My sister has exhausted what she has yet he won't let her rest. Some men are evil. My sister is planning to just walk after birthing her baby. I just don't understand!!!
    Some Nigerian men are evil spirits moving around looking for a working class lady that they will suck dry.
    Even when they meet and marry one they drive her crazy with their excessive demands. May a woman never marry an irresponsible and ungrateful man abeg.
    Very proud and lazy and stringy men who thinks that because they are husband's, the world should revolve around them. Mtcheew

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. An unappreciative entitled husband will bring out the worst in any woman but for God's grace.

      Reminds me of a story I read somewhere of a young marriage where the wife gave the husband her life savings to support him in building the house they moved into as as they got married.

      As years went by in the marriage, they could not conceive, and the woman was thrown out of the marriage.

      Delete
  11. The issue isn’t the money but the orientation of both parties. Problem is men and women want to be traditional and conventional all at once, not possible. So long as you leave the house as woman to work, you should step up to the responsibility of funding the family if you need to. And as a man, your responsibility does not start and end with bills. There are other things to be done in the house, make yourself useful and not leave it all to the woman.
    Hmmm, e go red when much later, people are paid a decent wage for their labour, that’s when most families in Nigeria will know they can’t afford househelps. Who then will perform the ‘traditional’ role of the woman? The woman, alone?
    Resentment kicks in when anyone feels cheated. If the man looses his job, he should diligently search for another but in the meantime, help around the house.
    See, irrespective of whether the man has lost his job or not, in a functional family, where the man (or the man and woman) works, both parties ought to chip in and do the other chores together, not necessarily equally, but don’t overburden the other. But that’s not so, instead most men drop money and then form ‘unlooking’ as far as domestic chores, children’s homework, etc are concerned. Most women stomach this simply because the man brings 100% for the bills, and the women use their own money for their personal projects. When he is no longer able to, the unfairness of it all becomes so glaring. It becomes revolting to be in the same house with a man that just wants business to continue as usual - feed me, sex me, do my laundry, do the shopping and cleaning, do the school run, fix the kids lunch boxes and attend their PTA, help with their homework etc - with the woman paying all the bills.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You said it all…

      Delete
    2. God bless you for this your comment.

      Delete
    3. God bless you
      Let them keep changing rubbish to those who want to listen.

      How do you expect a human being to carry everything, how?
      Then when they complain you say they have changed, "don't let a woman feed you bla bla bla" how about you don't turn someone's daughter to a slave.

      Delete
  12. Unfortunately that's my 1month marriage reality.
    Lost my job in May, forced to resign.
    Hubby lost his in July
    He's trying so much to secure a job as his computer stuff doesn't bring much. Its by luck.
    Car he does uber with was collected by his elder brother back
    Currently struggling to ensure he doesn't lose faith in himself .I pray and encourage him everyday while we make do with my 20k salary.
    He has the potentials and he never hid his finances away.
    Am not complaining
    Nothing as changed except eating habit and trekking more.

    I love my husband and would be his biggest fan till he finds his feet again
    Moments like this don't last if The man is putting in efforts
    It would surely pay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry. God will strengthen you both

      Delete
    2. God Almighty come for both of you Amen. Don't lose hope and focus on God Almighty

      Delete
  13. Unfortunately that's my 1month marriage reality.
    Lost my job in May, forced to resign.
    Hubby lost his in July
    He's trying so much to secure a job as his computer stuff doesn't bring much. Its by luck.
    Car he does uber with was collected by his elder brother back
    Currently struggling to ensure he doesn't lose faith in himself .I pray and encourage him everyday while we make do with my 20k salary.
    He has the potentials and he never hid his finances away.
    Am not complaining
    Nothing as changed except eating habit and trekking more.

    I love my husband and would be his biggest fan till he finds his feet again
    Moments like this don't last if The man is putting in efforts
    It would surely pay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Praying for you both xx

      Delete
    2. May God come through for you before the end of this year,you will sing a new song in Jesus Name,it is well

      Delete

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