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Sunday, November 07, 2021


Marriage is not a rehabilitation program......



In an earlier topic, I talked about a junior colleague that wanted to get married but wasn’t ready at that time. Read about it here. By December he had done all the planning and preparation, got a house and furnished it but the lady said she was no longer interested and broke up with him. 

 The lady was his high school sweetheart and they had built the relationship over the years, even throughout their university days. Everyone knew about them, right from our office to his family.

He was heartbroken .

We were all waiting for her to finish her national service while they were planning marriage when the news of the breakup broke out. Friends and family tried talking to her to know what the issues were and what actually happened and to appeal to her about having a change of mind. She just said she was done.

The affair was a “no-sex” relationship and the guy had been taking care of her schooling and upkeep three years prior to that time. She was always coming to his family house to play the role of “our wife”. Looking at them at that time, it was a perfect relationship and they looked meant for each other. 

What went wrong?

While everyone was castigating the lady for the treatment she gave to the guy.  My wife and I saw the issue from a different perspective. Talk about kindred spirit. We felt that the guy had some fundamental flaws which was why the lady left him. I think this happens to lots of young people intending to get married these days. Such people think that just by having a good character and being religious makes you a good marriage material.

This is basically the reason why some so called “good men” marry bitches and the also the well-behaved women are not getting married but the “bad” ones are.

In his own case, he is a very indecisive person and most times a realistic pessimist. He wants to seek all the opinions of everybody before taking a decision thereby wasting lots of time. He also had the need to tell the lady how things actually are in the guise of being realistic. 

She wanted an elaborate wedding and believed it could happen. He, on the other hand, was always complaining about not having enough money. Bottom-line, the lady had to quit because she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with someone who will always be second-guessing himself. She didn’t feel secure.

It’s been almost one year since that incident happened. Whenever I ask him “how far” concerning his getting married, his response has always been “Oga, I haven’t seen a woman”. But no day passes without him posting a picture of at least one woman on his WhatsApp status, wishing them one thing or the other. But for baba to just pick one is a problem.

Often times, we have seen such people who are too selective of partners, ending up marrying people way below their expectations. They spend so much time and efforts looking for the right person for them when they are not even the right person for such people. 

Secondly when they eventually meet such people, they can’t handle them. It’s an irony.

I once had a young lady for a neighbor who felt she was the next best thing after shawarma. After much “selecting”, she ended up as a baby mama. She had such a huge personality and an over bloated ego that kept scaring men away from her because she was beautiful and had a good paying job.

 No one met her specs, until one sharp married man got under her skin. Before you know it, boom! Baby mama things.

I will not encourage anyone to “marry-down” or end up with someone who doesn’t meet up with their expectations or bring out the best life in them. However, people need to have balanced and realistic expectations when it comes to marriage. When it comes to picking a life partner, you will never get all you need in one particular person. Even if you do, can you handle them?

Lots of randy men today go about believing that they are God’s gift to women. They believe they are too much for one woman. I used to have this mentality when I was much younger. This made it way more difficult when it was time to pick a wife. By then, the cocktail of character I was looking for was found in three women. 

This is the predicament of many young men and women today.

First, rather than looking for the right person or the best partner for you, focus on being a better person or the best version of yourself. Most times in your quest for becoming a better person, the right sets of people will be attracted to you. If you want a rich man, then learn about the ways of the rich, if you need a beautiful woman, know that it takes money to maintain beauty, go and make money.

When certain types of people keep coming to your life. Know that there is something about you that is attracting them to you. A young woman once complained to me “Married men are the ones always asking me out”. I told her to check herself.

Secondly, lots of people have an overestimated sense of self-worth and entitlement. Just because you now have a job that pays you in six figures hasn’t change the fact about your background. Your beauty or virginity is not a ticket to a happy marriage neither does the fact that you have a master degree a substitute for good manners.

No matter how “packaged” you think you are as a person, that will never make you have two husbands at a time. People need to learn to be humble and realistic on how they see themselves. What you may consider is wealth may be coins for another, your beauty at the end of the day won’t cook rice. The same goes for that your much touted oil and gas job, it can’t give a women orgasm. Be humble.

Lastly, one good behavior does not compensate for a bad one. That you can cook and are homely doesn’t mean you have to be dirty, neither will your virginity be an excuse to be frigid or a timid wife, being beautiful and sociable doesn’t mean you have to be uncouth. It’s a given that you will never be a prefect person but working to become a better person and acknowledging your weakness will always endear people to you.

Always be open to your partners about your flaws and seek help when required. I often see people try to guilt-trip their partners into maintaining unhealthy relationships and marriages because of how “good” they think they are.

Marriage is not a rehabilitation program; it never was and will never be

Till next time!




  1. Please Ciao, contrary to your assertion, a good character makes a good marriage.
    A person that has self control, is kind, is peaceful will go a long way
    to treat his wife well and the marriage will be blissful.
    You've got a warped sense of what marriage entails and that is why you and your friends are so wayward and your wives are at the receiving end of such folly trip.

    1. You're always quick to insult the writer and repeatedly invoke how he and his friends are wayward.

      He does not have a warped sense of marriage, it's you that is biased on the contents of his post. He has consistently said all he did were in the past yet you keep bringing them up. Are you perfect? If we smell your back side, will it smell perfume?

      Take each post as he drops them and move on if you have nothing to comment than talking about what he said in previous posts.

      The Chronicles is about a married man. You can mail Stella to start your own Chronicles of a married woman let's read.

      A person can have all you listed but have hygiene issues. And to some, their deal breaker is personal hygiene. So?

      In summary, the poster is saying be a better person of what you want your partner to be. Simple.

    2. Ciao is the Italian expression for "see you later or hello". It is not his name.

    3. @15:16
      I am not Italian nor does he write in Italian; and that is what he signs out with; so his name.

    4. 16.03 I know you never like to take correction, so not surprised at your response. You will be forming Christlike yet totally lacking in humility.

    5. 17:08
      What is your problem with my choosing to call him Ciao. Can't someone comment in peace.
      Thanks for teaching me Italian, but I will refer to him by what he signs out with. It can as well be
      an acronym. If I write an acronym, you will find its meaning in Spanish.

    6. Anon 16.03, don't be strong headed, just grab the new word and say thanks. Hian!

    7. Ciao is not an acronym, Google is free, enlighten yourself instead of forming
      stubborn and also trolling people's comments on SDK.

    8. Please you guys should not force knowledge on her. She decided to refer to this guy as ciao and that does not hurt anyone.

    9. 22.52 you too, join her and enlighten yourself before you go and call someone Ciao one day.

    10. @00:49
      Do you know if my name in my dialect translates to "bye see you later?" Just to enlighten you.

    11. 12.26 we are not talking about your dialect here, we are talking about the word CIAO, stop trying to twist things! Hian!

  2. the guy had been taking care of her schooling and upkeep three years prior to that time. And she then said "No". Omo, if it was the other way round......

  3. I always look forward to this column, nice one bro.

  4. Ciao, your reasoning about marriage is always inverted. And I find it appalling that you flaunted your Christianity (though spiced with hypocrisy) at the beginning of this series.
    A believer in Christ is led by the Spirit of God; even in vital choices in life like marriage. Yes, I got from Jesus all I wanted in my husband and more. And you know what, I "married down." He had nothing in terms of material but he is a man of noble character; same thing you despised and berated in your "making choices" in marriage lecture.
    The fear of God involves the Love of God and Characters of Christ and that is what makes a man. Luke 12:15 For a persons life does not consist in the abundance of the person's possessions
    Give your life to Christ, study his teachings to understand the meaning and comportment in marriage. 😊😊😊😊😐😐😐😐

    1. Calm down pls. What's triggering you? Is it the married down statement? Must everyone marry down to be happy? Hian.

    2. Can you start Chronicles of a married woman? It will go a long way in 'counter balancing' the warped and inverted reasoning the poster has.

      It will be very interesting to read your post. Looking forward to it.

    3. I married down and a supposed Christian or that matter. It was all a cover up. His low life never left him. He has been sleeping with sales girls his office cleaners. Those are his spec
      Pls park well abeg

    4. His write ups always has a way of Making the woman look bad .

    5. @Baltika
      I have written the story about my marriage here from the courtship to having kids and adopting one, to expecting 6 more.
      😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁To buying a coaster bus to carry "my team"
      Maybe you are new here.
      @Blackey that is not new.
      I do not have anything against anyone "marrying up" but do not tell me that marrying down or up is what makes a marriage successful.
      The fear of God is what builds good character and that is what makes a marriage successful and that is the very thing that ciao berates here.

    6. @Anonymous 15:35 and Enchantress
      I am totally lost as to what your comments mean and who it is directed at.

  5. No be lie. That’s how one banker I know kept her virginity until she ended up giving it to a married man. Now she has a child for him and he has broken things off with her. She compared everyone she met to him and now she has been left on her own. I tire for women o. E shock me.

  6. All I can say is that you are right.
    We just have to learn to balance everything and focus on being a better person

  7. Nice one. I enjoyed reading same. Weldone sir

  8. So all this while, way him dey sponsored her for school, she no know say him dey indecisive abi, na now she no feel secure.

  9. "When certain types of people keep coming to your life. Know that there is something about you that is attracting them to you. A young woman once complained to me “Married men are the ones always asking me out”. I told her to check herself."

    Another cliche societal advice that is wrong. Let married men be advised to be faithful to their wives and to God, and stop asking single ladies out. There is something wrong with the men not with the poor lady. How on earth is she the one at fault? As the society keeps decaying in morals, married men who join the dating pool will increase and it is not the fault of the women for being asked out by these wayward men. It is only wrong on the ladies part if they agree to date them.

  10. This life no balance,first of all I owcwgat you want,be the person you want to see in your supposed partner and never marry down no matter what

  11. First of all, do not go and be chopping one guy's money when you know that you may not fulfill his purpose for doing that. Second of all, why would a man go and be paying school fees for a lady he wants to marry? As in that is the only place you found love? The girl is still growing and have not formed her personality yet. Most men that do this, have complex issues!

  12. This write up is very on point but the man may not have done anything wrong per se, spending money to upgrade someone you wish to marry is a very risky business, anybody embarking on it should be upgraded/upgrading themselves as well and also bear in mind that they might not be in a balanced relationship, if the person doesn't need you financially, will they still be there?


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