STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
THE RIGHT TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT...
Stellz
please help me post this as a chronicle ,I have a close friend she told she just recently started a relationship with a guy ,her first relationship actually, and she confided in me that she was s#xually molested as a child , she asked me when should be the right time to tell her fiance she was s#xually molested .
Should it be now at the beginning stage of the relationship or when they've gone a bit far into the relationship like when the Guy is talking about marriage ......
Not everyone can handle this kind of info very well oh.. She should study the guy very well to know if he is the type that will use it against her in future... telling him might not be a good idea.... Some Nigerian men react differently to stuff like this, to some this might be the end of the relationship...
She should tell him now to be on a safer side.
ReplyDeleteNo need. It's nothing to do with him and not his business until you decide it necessary to confide such painful past experience in him. Your telling him is a privilege to him, not a necessity.
DeleteIf you decide to never talk about it for life, it your prerogative and note that it can not be counted as one of your secrets. It's not your secret because you had no control over it and was not your fault.
She had better shut up if she knows what's good for herself.
DeleteDoes she think this is zeeworld that she will open up and the man will join her in crying, comb her wig and go and buy her flowers????
WAKE UP!!!!
Nigerian man that will use any little personal information you give him to shame and mock you forever more?
Then if she wants to leave the relationship, the man will emotionally manipulate her to believe that no one will ever want her, that she is spoilt goods.
Is it not these useless Nigerian men with the emotional intelligence of toddlers?
Let her try it sha so she can regret it for life.
Tell him only when he proposes marriage. Or when the relationship has a consolidated friendship embedded.
DeleteYou say wetin? Abeg tell am o make the brother man decide to go on or not
ReplyDeleteshe should let the past be in the past
ReplyDeleteWould the "past be in the past", if he was an armed robber that has served his time? Or even a rapist who was imprisoned and released? Or a cultist that engaged in blood rituals during his university days?
DeleteI suggest telling him sooner, rather than later. If he bounces, then you at least know early on that he wasn't the one for you.
DeleteMolestation can impact the way a person behaves. It can affect how they view people of the gender of their abuser; it can affect how they view s*x. It can even impact how the raise their future kids, in terms of protectiveness...and who they can or cannot be around etc.
SMH, a rapist or armed robber is a criminal. Someone who was raped or molested or robbed is a victim- it is not their fault, it was a violation of their privacy and virtue. A rapist or robber made a conscious decision to steal from, rape or violate someone - as an adult and should rightly confess and face all the consequences of their actions. Poster's friend was violated as a child, in the most vulnerable time of their life. They did not ask for that. It is traumatic, it is not the same by any shape or form.
DeleteSmh, how can you even compare all you listed to a girl that was molested Gosh!!!
DeleteThere's really no point telling him
@Anon 16.26 and Shooter...
DeleteThere is a reason why I made 2 separate comments, rather than lump both into a lengthy one. They are independent of each other.
The first comment pertains only to @Awele's assertion that the past is the past. If you found out that the guy you have been dating (or married) commited a heinous crime, years ago...would the statement still apply? After you confront him - he tells you that he was arrested; sentenced; imprisoned and has been rehabilitated, and paid his debt to society...would you accept that his past is his past?
I still stand by my second comment. A man that loves you unconditionally, accepts you wholeheartedly!
Why even mention it at all? Of what use will mentioning it do?
ReplyDeletePeople will just create unnecessary issues for themselves, learn how to keep somethings to yourself.
I wonder o e be like the dick don over sweet am
DeleteExactly! Keep the secret to yourself please
DeleteShe has never been love bombed before. She will soon snap out of it.
DeleteThere are certain things you need to cry to God for help. Humans can't help.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
Exactly
DeleteIs the guy her therapist or what? I honestly don't know why telling him is that important.
ReplyDeleteMy point is when you are chummy with any human being, always leave room for the day when yawa go gas o because you never can tell.
Let ne read comments sha.
Leave am. E be like mouth dey scratch am. Leave am.
DeletePlease let me go anonymous on this,
ReplyDeleteWhere is the relationship heading to for you to give out such information?
Respect yourself and keep that information before you give out what he will use to manipulate you.
If you need help, talk to a counselor who has no biased feeling not one lover boy...
Thank you anon. Respect yourself well well.
Delete15:14,you've saved me time to type. I second your comment.Now now,the dude done turn fiancé.
DeleteLovelace
Exactly. Poster please keep it to yourself.
DeleteOne more thing,all this una tell all,do your boyfriends tell you about the women they molested in the past? Na question I ask ooo
ReplyDeleteGod bless you jare Anon 15:16
DeleteI used to wonder such too. Their body counts and the rest...
DeleteShe can tell if she wants but it depends on that guy's level of maturity.
She must be a small girl ... She should wait and observe that guy.
Follow Stella's advise. Now is the best time to tell him, later might be too late. Be ready for whatever the outcome is. If he is understanding and loves you very much, he will stay with you but if you think you cant afford to lose him, keep your secret to yourself and move on.
ReplyDeleteThe guy too might have his own past. If sincerity and trust is there might not be issues
ReplyDeleteI don't understand, is he obligated to know or a therapist? Of what use would be the information to him unless the relationship is leading to marriage and you have a sexual disorder. Talking toomuch no good sha, you just provide TMI that's is not worth it.
ReplyDeletePlease let her be sure of the man not every man that comes into her life must know from the get go. Let the relationship proceed further and know the kind of man he is. Everyone has a different approach in processing some stuff. If she wants to know who he is, let her pose it to him in a 3rd person pronoun and see his reaction. All the best.
ReplyDeleteSome men don’t have the maturity to handle such information. Keep certain things to yourself to avoid it being used against you
ReplyDeleteIf it is something you can’t get over, your partner will figure that there was past trauma if he paid attention enough. Then I suggest you talk to a therapist before going into a serious relationship.
It depends:
ReplyDeleteIf the lady presented herself to her man as a virgin because she truly has not had consensual s3x, there is the need to tell only after a good study of the depth and breadth of the man's mind. Even in this case only few men will believe except her story is corroborated solid fact.
If the lady has not presented herself as a virgin, and both of them have no assumptions about that matter, NO NEED AT ALL to tell the man or any man. After all, she was not responsible for what happened. Let her build on the things the man like about her and seek healing from God.
Oh, by the way I am a man and would not want to know especially in the second case.
Hereis theotherguidelineforchoosingwhattodivulge.
ReplyDeleteWhatisyourmotiveforsharingthisbitofinformation?Isitto garnersympathy?Tocreatesomesortofstrangebondthatfeels likeintimacybecauseyousharedasecret?Toshocktheperson?
Togetthemtoopenup?Theseareall thewrongreasonsfor sharinginformation.Youdonotwanttoillicitfeelingsofsym-pathyfromyourpotentialsuitor.Youwanttoinspirefeelingsof warmthandendearment,romanticthoughts,andlongingfor moretime withyou.
Excerpt from Michelle McKinney Hammond's book - 10 mistakes single ladies make
My personal advice is that you don't Tell him about it until you are sure that he is ready to commit. I'm saying this from experience.
And when you are ready to tell him anything make sure it's HEADLINES ONLY.
I apologise for the muddled up quote above.
So who is going to understand this quote now? It didnt occur to you that you could space the words?
DeleteIs the guy a therapist? If I read well, she just started seeing this guy so he's not a fiance. There's no need telling anything to a guy she barely knows. If your friend is not at peace, she should find a therapist and confined in.
ReplyDeleteI guess the girl wants to present an explanation on why she is too wide down there.
ReplyDeleteHow? This is insensitive, she was raped and you still want to insinuate that she's wide. Not cool at all, for your information, the causes of wide pu**y doesn't include rape.
DeleteLol what!!
DeleteMust she tell?
ReplyDeleteI tire, like she owes him something or feeling guilty, over what if I may ask.
DeleteTo some, it may be the begining of something beautiful.
ReplyDeleteIf she intends spending the rest of her life with him, discus it at the begining, observe how he handles the information.
If he uses it against you, run if he shows empathy and stands by you, then he is for keeps
There would be days you will have moody days due to the molestation and you just can't help it , you would want to have a shoulder to cry on , discus about it and even voice out your thoughts on parenting due to your experience, if you have not discussed it, you would be unable to express yourself to your supposed partner. Have a good foundation for the relationship if it perish because of that, fine he was never yours.
What if he stands by her and marries her only to throw it in her face.
DeletePoster, hold your two ears
Don't try it.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
What is she telling for? Was it the guys father or brother who did it?
ReplyDeleteSome of you are do hungry for problems because the ones life gives you are not enough. So you decide to create plenty for yourself.
What exactly is he supposed to so with this information?
You said she just recently started a relationship, then you mentioned 'fiance'. Even if he is her husband of 300 years, there are something that are if no relevance to a relationship.
Na man una dey marry, no be Christ.
If and when a woman is sexually abused , she can't be blamed/condemned.You don't feel guilty over what you cannot control and you don't owe anybody explanations.
ReplyDeleteIf the relationship is heading to marriage and you have a sexual disorder, you may choose to tell your partner about the sexual disorder and possibly the reason(s) for the disorder. If the rape gives you emotional issues that are likely to affect your marriage,you may also choose to discuss it with your partner. You definitely cannot predict how he would react. Good luck
Do you have a sexual disorder because of that? Did you tell him that you are a virgin and you are not? Do you want to prove to him that you are different from other ' spoilt girls'
ReplyDeleteBecause I really don't know how confessing to him will help you in any way.
Are you a Catholic? Is he a priest? Is he your therapist? Is he your parent?
Some of you will enter relationship and start running your mouth just because you are under the newness of dopamine.
Tomorrow, when dopamine fades and he throws that at your face, you will come with another chronicle of how your husband treats you badly.
Close that mouth.
If your mouth is itching you, sing.
Sing and sing
Madam confessor
There is nothing I will not read on this blog.
Do you think this Hollywood fictional movies?
KING XOXO MYSTERY
Madam "Perfecta" Xoxo Mystery, the "intellecshual" of our blog. 😂😂
DeleteIt hurts that everyone is telling her to shut up as if she wasn't a victim, as if it was her fault.
ReplyDeletePoster, my advise would be to tell him when you notice that things are getting serious and only when you feel comfortable telling him. It's your story to tell.
Fact is, sometimes certain situations in the future may lead to you having to tell him (if you eventually marry him). It's better he's aware before committing to you. But the relationship has to be getting serious
you just started seeing this guy like you said, please let the relationship flow and please please keep your mouth shut..
ReplyDeleteShe knows the guy better. She knows if he is mature enough to handle it.
ReplyDeleteFor me.. I love to know everything so I know how to manage our sexual life.
Make sure you do not liar to him that you are a virgin... that is worse
Never. Until she is sure she will be getting married to him.
ReplyDeleteIf u have healed from the past,and u are mentally in a good place,far from the trauma of the incident u have moved on from it then there is no need to tell him in my opinion,move on,be happy,live ur life and enjoy ur relationship.But if u haven’t healed u won’t even need to sit him down to tell him at first.an observant boyfriend who really loves you and cares a lot about u will notice ur withdrawal with sex or ur disconnect emotionally,ur panic attacks,then he will ask u.if he does, no need to spill at first,wait until u are very very sure of who he is in ur life,where ur relationship is headed,then u can make that decision to tell him.Remember not every man is mature enough to handle such information,some will use it against u in future,some will troll u until u are a mess mentally,some will blackmail u and make u blame urself for what happened.My sincere advise is to go for therapy if u can afford a therapist,try to move on from it,make conscious efforts toward healing,it’s not easy but u can do it.Pray and ask God to heal ur mind and restore ur peace.Goodluck ❤️
ReplyDeleteDon't tell him o. Most guys don't know how to handle such info. I once dated a lady that told me she was molested and raped twice as a teenager. I was always feeling sorry for her for no reason. It was one of the reasons we parted ways. Only few men can handle such detail and it has nothing to do with maturity.
ReplyDeleteIf the molestation doesn't affect her psychologically, then no need to talk. However, if it affects her, then she needs to get help. Her man may not offer the best help.
If you have ever been sexually molested, especially if it started from childhood, it's something that leaves a mark on you forever. And no matter the therapy and counseling you go through, it will somehow keep creeping into how you relate with men one way or another. It does get better with time as you mature and learn to manage your emotions better, but that mark will always be there. So yes, it's important to discuss it with your partner, else you will be seen as strange sometimes. So sadly because of this, you have to be extra careful in picking a partner. It's important to be with one who is sensitive and understanding enough.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely shouldn't put it in front of you and go telling every guy you meet. But when you are in a relationship that seems like it's heading somewhere serious, then you should talk to him.