Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 60

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Sunday, January 16, 2022

CHRONICLES OF A MARRIED MAN – 60

If you have been married for a while, you would always have that one couple or family that you are seemingly in competition with, whether knowingly or not.










The influence of your peers or peer pressure as we loosely call it doesn’t end in your adolescent years. They are carried over to the universities which is seen in how we want to “pepper” our peers with our new gadgets, babes and other stuffs. We ultimately also take this behavior into our marriages.


Most of my bedroom gossips with my wife these days often begins after viewing WhatsApp and Facebook statuses of her married friends or my colleagues’ families. The most recent is her cravings of wanting to have twin girls after seeing that two of my colleagues had twins within the last one year.


Having silent competition with your married peers is normal as far as I am concerned. Sometimes it becomes a form of motivation towards attaining certain goals in life and living the kind of life you want. Who doesn’t want to be the best couple in town that have everything working out well for them? Who doesn’t want to show off with “anko” matching outfits with his wife and kids?

We all always have that one couple we want to outdo or at least want to be like. Such desires are what brings the competition and sometimes it is taken to the wrong dimensions. When it gets to that stage where we try “bite more than we can chew” just so we can feel like we belong or doing better than the next couple, is what gets us into trouble.

When my wife was pregnant with our first child, my cousin’s wife was also pregnant too. He came up with the idea about our wives giving birth in the US. It sounded like a fantastic idea at that time, as it was a trend then. Afterall, who doesn’t want his child to have US citizenship?

He started planning in earnest and followed up with the process. They even took an unnecessary trip to Abidjan via road, all in the need to have a stamped passport as it was their first passport. The stress of the whole journey almost cost them the pregnancy. At the end of the day, they had to cancel it.

When I told my wife initially about the idea, her response was in her usual sarcastic way. “To go and give birth abroad unto what na? say I want to born Jesus ni? As if this pregnancy stress I’m going through is not enough, you want to add more to it abi? Ogeni leave that matter please”. I quietly respected myself and faced front.

The ironic and honest truth at that time was that, I couldn’t have comfortably afforded it then. The mal-adventure would have caused some form of financial imbalance for me on the short run if I had gone ahead with it. I just wanted to do what people were doing.



In this era of social media, it has become worse that we create so much unhealthy competition and pressure on ourselves because we want to create that façade about our marriages that in reality no one cares about. Many couples are thinking about how to solve their financial problems, the issues with their cheating husbands, their in-law problems or just trying to manage their fragile marriages that they are not even thinking about your online dramas. They just view your status and go back to their business.


I recently saw a very disgusting baby shower picture of an industry colleague of mine whose wife posted an almost naked picture of herself with her baby bump all in the name of pregnancy photoshoot. Viewing the picture, I was thinking who is this woman trying to impress now?

Whenever my wife tells me “You are not romantic! You are not social media savvy; you always behave like the ancient Urhobo man; So and so husband did this and that ...and all the yen yen yen.” I just look at her and smile. I have learnt not to argue with her. I will approach her at a much more comfortable time to discuss such issues and make her see how silly some of those ideas are.

As a marriage survivalist, I have learnt a couple of lessons and adapted over the years.

First, the competition never ends. You have to know your limits and when to stop. There will always be new couples’ trend, a new car, bigger houses, finer and more expensive schools or one thing or the other that the other couple is do better than you.

In as much as such competitions can be healthy sometimes, learn to work with what you have. My junior colleague is still paying for the “one in town” baby dedication he did last November. He was bitten by the first child bug, and he outdid himself. Of course, we all helped him “deal with” the food and alcohol he supplied that day.

I already told him to avoid me this January. Baba has fees to pay. I told him the Lord is his strength

Secondly, know your partner. Because I know my wife’s attitude towards money, I have learnt to monetize some of these things. I also tell her most time to go and do what she wants without me. I always have some “reports” to do.


During the dedication of our last child, I told her to calculate the total amount we needed for the event. After giving me the bill, I gave her a fantastic offer. “How about I dash you the money and we don’t do any party for this dedication?”, I asked her. She took the offer. We just took the child to the church, did the prayers and came back to eat Sunday rice.

I would have spent more than three time that amount if the “misdirection squad” had arrived for that occasion.

Thirdly, do what works for you like I always say. The truth is that many couple derive some form of happiness from these activities that we sometimes frown out. If you know that doing “people dem” makes you happy and feel fulfilled in your marriage, by all means please indulge.

Since last year, my wife has derived this emotional bank account statement. Whenever she says “my emotional bank account is low”, I know I will have to take her out, do clubbing or get her one expensive item. That way, I keep her happy.

Don’t let anyone bully or guilt trip you into making you not to do the things you enjoy as long as you can afford it and within the limit of respectable behavior. Marriage is already hard, make the best of it.

Conclusively, we can be in competition if we want to. It brings out the best in our marriages. But nor go do pass yourself.

E go be


Ciao!

49 comments:

  1. You spoke truth. Just like my friend said marriage is hard being single us equally hard so choose your hard. More like saying do what makes you home and do you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your wife is your partner not a servant

      Understanding that making her happy within your means is the way towards everyone's peace and happiness shows you are very smart and think with your head not your ego

      Well done for not being in competition with your wife or trying to prove point

      Delete
    2. I don't think I have ever been in a competition in marriage o.
      When it comes to academic achievements and self growth for I and my spouse I find myself wanting the best.
      I want him to attain more not necessarily because of anyone but for himself.

      I have also done a lot of soul searching and growth seeking so I know what I want.

      I have never been under any peer pressure right from my secondary school days, maybe because I was always the "queen bee".
      I am also trying to make my children that way.


      About gifting and being romantic, I must be your wife's twin, I love most things monetized, and my partner has grown to learn this

      Delete
  2. Maybe I am wired differently in terms of competition.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Even with babies..
    “Your baby is not crawling yet? Mine started crawling at 2 months”
    Aww! That’s great. Would you like a biscuit to go with that cup of tea you aren’t minding? πŸ™„πŸ™„

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 🀣🀣

      Delete
    2. hahahaha. I almost worried myself to death when my baby didn't grow teeth at 3 months whilst my neighbor's baby started at 2months plus. until one day after posting it here I told myself enough! my baby still don't have no teeth at 8 months presently but I'm cool with it!!!

      I can relate with today's post. I hate competition. Its really unnecessary. I always believe that if you good at something or have something there is someone who will always be better at it than you. so just do you always.

      Delete
    3. 😁😁😁😁

      Delete
    4. πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜†

      Delete
    5. 🀣🀣🀣🀣perxian oooo,I love you mama.People that don't like you don't know what they are missing,you be pure cruise

      Delete
    6. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
      Everything is just competition to some people.

      Delete
    7. Raquel, my first child started teething at around 9 months, and I wasn't worried one bit.

      Delete
  4. No go do pass yourself because the people you are trying so much to impress wont remember what you did in few years time neither will they be there to share in the struggle and pain when sapa show. Use your head,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You say in few years? In a couple of weeks, you're forgotten as people are occupied with life's struggles and challenges.

      Delete
    2. Life generally is competition to anyone that sees it so. To those that think it's so, no rest of mind, always trying to do pass themselves.

      Delete
    3. That's the funny thing. Classmates you were in competition with, after school you may not see them again.

      Delete
    4. Baltika, did you forget to go anon while replying yourself? 🀣

      Delete
    5. Anon 18:54 Baltika replied to Olomo Olomo's comment.

      Guess their avatars confused you.

      Delete
    6. How was she replying herself? She was adding to her first comment. I sometimes do that, post two comments if I remember something after I have hit send.

      Delete
  5. 'no go dey do pass yourself"

    ReplyDelete
  6. Maybe I'm weird but I'm not competitive in the least; I set my own goals and move towards them, I don't even notice others. In addition to that, when I notice anyone overly imitating me, I pull away from them-e get why. I flee from envy like hell. Competitive people are prone to envy-stay on your own lane, people!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same here
      Like I can't even relate.🀣🀣
      I even tell my partner we mustn't be like other people.
      The only thing I was concerned about it my son's speech delay.

      Delete
    2. Like I can't relate with this article at all

      Delete
    3. Anon 14:19, you are in the spirit, anything they see you have, they start wanting it, I flee from such people. We have our plans and goals as a couple and we are working towards them. Competition isn’t a good thing, I teach my kids to be inspired by good things but not to compete.

      Delete
    4. Competition and comparison are siblings, they can scatter marriage. I used to worry that my daughter is still having problem pronouncing some words, when I look back that so many kids didnt make it to 3-4 years, I just smile and thank God.

      @poster, Sense will not kee you knowing that she will still use part of the money to buy things for the home. Nice one.

      Delete
  7. When I tell my friends that I rather use the money I would have spent in all them celebrations just to pepper people wey no even send me,she tells me that management has entered my blood.
    For those that can afford to do it and not be bent over,by all means do you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Why will you even want to compete with anyone, married or not? Sapa is not anyone's mate, make God no let am knock on our doors. Live within your means, it's not difficult.

    ReplyDelete
  9. "If you have been married for a while, you would always have that one couple or family that you are seemingly in competition with, whether knowingly or not."

    I don't compete with anyone. I take each day one step at a time. Anyone who wants to compete should go ahead.

    It's not general that every couple competes. Once you are content, all those things won't matter to you

    ReplyDelete
  10. As a marriage survivalist got me laughing..
    You've really survived oga..

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks for this timely write up,you're a wise man

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ive been married for a while and my hubby and I do not compete with anyone. So honestly, I can not relate with this write up. We focus on our own goals and pray to God to help us be the best we can be.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously I cannot relate at all

      I can't even remember any couple or marriage I know and start envying them

      I always take each day as it comes with heaven in view

      Delete
  13. I sincerely can't relate with this...not in any competition with anyone at all...I no get strength for that kind thing

    ReplyDelete
  14. I've been married for 26 years. My husband and I have never been in competition with any one .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good. That's how it should be. I discovered that God doesn't want me to be under pressure because anytime I planned doing something big, when its remaining few days or 1 week, the vibe/excitement will just disappear. The thought of the stress alone is enough. I can't come and kee myself.

      Delete
  15. I can't relate too maybe like my sister would insinuate say I don't like enjoyment meanwhile I don't like to do pass myself

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have been married for 8years and we don't compete withanyone,we just do our own thing,my mum taught me contentment,that we are on different paths,never copy what you see out there,I don't envy people,I believe everything will fall in place at the right time

    ReplyDelete
  17. This is exactly what is happening to me now. I have even stopped viewing their status. I don't want what would make me to overthink

    ReplyDelete
  18. No be only I can't relate. Na una compete pass

    ReplyDelete

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