Hmmm.....
VICTIM OF RAPE AND CHILDBIRTH
Hi Stella,
I am a 34 year old lady from the middle belt. I believe I am very beautiful as many people have told me so.
Hi Stella,
I am a 34 year old lady from the middle belt. I believe I am very beautiful as many people have told me so.
Many years ago at the age of 16 I got raped by a group of four men in Okokomaiko where I grew up and I got pregnant. It was a very trying period for me and my family and they refused for me to abort it. I ended up giving birth to the child in a far away village in the North as my parents did not want the stigma but we eventually ended up giving the child to a motherless babies home run by Catholic nuns in one state in the Northern part of Nigeria because myself and my family members had to come to terms with the fact that we could not raise such a child.
I have hated men for many years and I havent dated any man ever since that incident. A couple of years ago I met this Nigerian man at an event in Abuja because I was one of the people the company I work for sent to represent them at the event. He came up to me and tried to toast me but I gave him the cold shoulder initially.
I have hated men for many years and I havent dated any man ever since that incident. A couple of years ago I met this Nigerian man at an event in Abuja because I was one of the people the company I work for sent to represent them at the event. He came up to me and tried to toast me but I gave him the cold shoulder initially.
After the conference, he eventually traced me to the place I work and started sending me flowers and love letters. That was the beginning of months of intense toasting before I eventually fell for him. I gave in and we have been dating for many months now, almost a year.
It has been the best experience of my life. He is a very honest person and genuinely kind and he holds nothing back from me. He treats me like a goddess and he goes out of his way to make me happy. He is also very generous to me and to be honest I really enjoy s#x with him. It is the first time I have ever enjoyed s#x with a man after the incident as I primarily experimented with lesbianism after the incident as I felt dead inside.
I have fallen very deeply in love with this man and he has dropped several hints that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He is a genuinely good man, an introvert (he is almost always at home when not at work, and he always loves to spend time with me).
I know many men pretend and hide their evil self when dating but I have enough experience to know that I am dealing with a very good man who loves me to the moon and back.
He is a very sensitive person. I am yet to tell him of the rape incident and the child I have even though i have told him of almost everything else about my life and even my experimentation with lesbianism. I am deeply afraid that it might be a dealbreaker for him because I really realy love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
He is a very sensitive person. I am yet to tell him of the rape incident and the child I have even though i have told him of almost everything else about my life and even my experimentation with lesbianism. I am deeply afraid that it might be a dealbreaker for him because I really realy love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I know he and his family are very smart people and will do background checks and all on me if he proposes and I worry that if it comes out that I was raped and have a child I have practically hidden he might not be interested,
What do you advice me to do.?
What do you advice me to do.?
Hmmmm, my dear the time to tell him has passed so i suggest that you keep that secret to yourself forever or risk losing him......
If his family ever finds out and brings it up, deny it oh... Does anyone have photos of you? tell them it must be a mistake.... Nigerians are not ready to accept rape victims who had the baby into their families....... Discuss this with your family and tell them that you do not want this info out or it will cost you the relationship....
Hopefully no one blackmails you with it later.......
DONT TELL HIM!!!
Tell him about it and dam the consequences. If he really wants to be with you, your past wont stop him.
ReplyDeleteFornication no be sin again? Im confused. Nwa.
DeleteAnyways poster, I think you should tell him. IT was not your fault. Please don't blame yourself for what happened to you. Im glad you're healing. Lay your cards on the table and watch how it would still work out for you.
Mma Nwachukwu
Nothing has passed
DeleteIt’s not your fault you were being careful with your heart
Please let him know
How long would you keep it a secret?
I wish you all the luck right now
Push up (original)
No mind sdk ,tell him now
DeleteI agree that she should tell him
DeleteMust you tell a man everything. Men that can keep another mistress and have kids without telling their wives until they died.
DeleteNa this kind secret dey cause BP, cos u will always be scared everyday for the rest of ur life, that what if he finds out. me personally I value my peace of mind, Biko tell him and free yourself.
DeletePoster please tell him, you have carried this weight long enough, just let go.
DeleteThe rape was no fault of yours and a lot of people will perfectly understand why your family will prefer to give a product of the gory incidence away.
He comes across as someone who will be very understanding of the situation.
Go into this union on a clean slate.
Stella what can of advice did u just give? my dear poster please tell him now..
Delete@poster, the only person that will make this decision is YOU. There is a reason why you haven't told him yet and brought it here. You know him better than anyone here and you probably know he won't be OK with it or look at you the same. Remember say na you wear shoe, so analyze the consequences of telling or not telling him and decide which one you are ready to face if the worst happens.
DeleteI remember the chronicle of a woman who slept with a man to help get her husband out of prison and needed advice. When the husband eventually got out and she sent another chronicle that he left her after finding out what happened, all those that advised her did not respond.
It's your life and you cannot blame anyone if the decision you take based on the advice here backfires.
I think you should tell him.
ReplyDeleteNo, no, no. Hiding the rape and the child is s a definite NO NO. Tell him. But about the lesbianism, he doesn't need that knowledge. It might make him become suspicious when he sees you with friends tomorrow. Although, I have an aunt who told her the boyfriend now husband that she wouldn't date him cos she doesn't do men and only into women. It became a quest for him to "change" her and he eventually married her. And really, she said her husband actually made her enjoy heterosexual relationship for the first time.
DeleteI believe you have absolutely nothing to be worried about. Congratulations. Love is beautiful thing. I like it that you have taken your time to scrutinize him, leaving no stone unturned.
Tell him o
DeleteTell him you didn't talk about it before cos it saddens you and it can't be one of the first things you'll tell him about yourself.
Explain that is the reason you experimented with lesbianism bcos of your hatred for men.
You were only 16 when it happened.
Please even if you want to tell him, please don't be specific of how many men.
DeleteJust tell him you were raped and had a child from the experience.
Goodluck.
Poster like you said this man love you back to the moon, you told him your dirty lifestyle before you met him why can’t you be open to him with this issue because you mentioned him and his family will do a background check before you both will get married. What if the background check is done and your man finds out what will be your faith, he will be so disappointed with you.
ReplyDeleteI will say you should get the liver and discuss that with you before someone else does that just go spoil your relationship. Tell him and see he will accept you if he truly loves you, you will even have rest of mind. No one will blackmail you about it since he already knows.
Lastly, If you feel or know him and his family will never know about this your secret, you are sure no one will blackmail you with this to your man please do not say anything.
Which dirty lifestyle Kwa? She said she stayed off men after the rape experience and only experimented lesbianism.
DeleteIs lesbianism a clean lifestyle anonymous 16:48
DeleteYou sound as if she was into prostitution or even full blown lesbianism.
DeleteWhy being so judgmental. Do you know the trauma she passed through from the rape incident.
DeleteWe need to be empathetic and check the words that comes out of our mouth.
It happened for real but before your present relationship, it never existed. Nothing of such. Maintain the straight face. They will come to tell you to own up as if it will change the relationship for better. It belonged to the past and there it shall remain.
ReplyDeleteIf you aborted, they will tell you to go confess to your man in the case the abortion affects your chances of conceiving. You carried to term and gave birth so that's history and so shall it remain.
Cheers.
It's time to tell him pls. A good person will understand the horrible blow u were dealt with as a child. I am so sorry u went through that. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteTell him and keep an open mind, if he takes a walk or changes towards you after this then maybe he is not as good as a man as you thought but the way you've described him, I think he will be able to handle this.
Good luck. I wish u all the best
💯💯
DeleteOh poster, i am so sorry for what you went through. I don't want to imagine the trauma of being raped by not just one but four whole MEN! Getting pregnant and going through all the discomforts of pregnancy, labour pains and then having to give the baby away!! Oh God,my heart breaks for you. I am glad that you have healed.
DeleteTo your question, i second Eka's suggestion. This would let you know if your man is as good a man as you think he is. Goodluck and may God bless you
Poster you fit tell him o. May the Holy Spirit help and direct you. Just be praying about it.
DeleteExactly. He won't even leave. He is in love and it was not her fault.
DeleteMs Sapphire say what now
DeleteEven married men leave after their wife gets assaulted not to talk of gf
She has three things here that he had to deal with. The rape, the child and the omission of both
Reading Stella's response, I was like😳😳😳 and I was like, why should she not tell?!! But I got to where you said Nigerians are not ready to accept rape victims... and it made sense. To be fair, it's not only Nigerians but most African countries.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I believe a Nigerian man who was able to accept your lesbianism past, is open minded so you can tell him in my opinion.
It’s not the rape that’s the issue here so much as the child
DeleteAll these "I was like, I was like," just to imitate the Americans right?
DeleteAnon 16:27 please calm down; everyone reading this blog is not Nigerian and not all African countries sound Nigerian so please work on your level of tolerance.
Delete16.27 Stop for a bit and deal with your issues. Sai!
Deletelol @ 'I was like' drama.
DeleteThere is nothing hidden under the sun!
ReplyDeletePoster your case is too sensitive to sweep under the carpet,Rest assured he will definitely find out when he comes for marriage,Village people everywhere that would go to any length to see you go down.
It seems hard but I advice you tell him o
REASONS
*So you don't end up looking over your shoulders about of the truth coming to limelight.
*It's very obvious hiding the truth is troubling you,Speak it and save yourself the troubles.
*Transparency is one of the qualities of a good relationship/marriage,Don't you wish to know everything about your hubby too??
I would also suggest you go look for you baby in that Orphanage,It's important you know who she is.
Goodluck!
💯💯
DeleteKeep quiet and face your front.
ReplyDeletePoster the main problem is not the rape but the child. Since the child is not with you I see no reason you should tell him. These thing belong to your past na, and there’s nothing you can do about it so leave it in your past.
DeleteI'm so sorry about what you went through.pls and please if you know u so love this man tell him.
ReplyDeletePosti bebe this one no be ish na, weighty secrets people still take to the grave with them,you con dey fidget for this shikini matter abeg drink better juice Cranberry precisely with chilled water..you no get problem
ReplyDeleteWhy tell him others and leave that part. You were raped not that you went to have sex with them and also you were a minor.
ReplyDeleteMy dear let him know if you still love him or him loves you.
It is well with you
I don't understand why this should be a problem;
ReplyDeleteHe knows about your experiment with lesbianism?
How was the rape your fault, why victimize and stigmatize even yourself?/?
The shame should be on the rapist and not on the victim. Please tell him everything.
And kudos to you and your parents for not killing that child.
Cause many guys find girl on girl action attractive and feel that means you’re adventurous but a child from before is hmmm
Delete@15:32
DeleteCan you see how wicked and skewed our values have become? But those of us that know God aren't caught in this mire of evil. How can the world find lesbianism "attractive" and vilify and punish a girl who was raped by 1,2, 3,4 men, got pregnant and did not murder the baby? Just tell me how we as human's got here.
16:31 such is life
DeleteShe wasn’t just raped, there’s a child
Once she tells him, he probably has to tell his people cause how will that be if his parents later find out his wife has a child. There’s a lot going on here
The lesbianism he can just keep to himself
If I never marry before I being read SDK blog e for hard to marry o. See advice na chai!!!
ReplyDeleteUna madam don advice you but I pray he finds out after the marriage and chases you out. How will you feel if he hides such from you and after his death at your old age a child pops up as his will you be happy he kept that from you. If at all you don't tell him about the rape, find another story and tell him about the child.
Omo the thing no shock you...See advice na ....
DeleteSo sorry to read of this wicked trauma you endued.
ReplyDeleteThe beautiful thing you did;
sparing the life of that child after that rape. Yes, the child did not rape you.
The unhealthy thing you did so far in this very relationship are;
beginning to have intercourse with this man who hasn't paid your bride price.
Not telling him of your eventful past.
Nne, "hints" are not proposal and they are not marriage. It is so easy to give hints or for a girl to read ungiven hints.
Things you have to correct;
stop having sex with him and tell him about the rape. You are thinking of marriage already.
Leave sex matter
DeleteShe’s enjoying that part
Poster, you see this Stellas advice, that is what will confirm your worst fears if and when he finds out. pls do not take it. Go ahead and tell your man the secret. you have told him worse (lesbianism) and he accepted you. You were only a victim and even did good by not killing the child in your womb. Every sane person will understand why you could not live with a constant reminder of your pain and trauma.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand how a girl will be raped and he becomes a pariah while the rapists are walking tall and free. From a man's point of view, the problem is if I find out by myself. The trust will be gone because I do not know what else you are hiding and when the bombs will drop on me.
ReplyDeleteI think you should tell him. Tell him and prepare for what you will do if he decides to end the relationship. I prefer this than him finding out when you are already married. This life is funny. What if the child looks for you one day? I am so sorry about what you went through but the child is innocent. Nothing may happen and something may happen. It is 50:50.
ReplyDeleteGbam
DeleteWas there an official report made with the police after the rape? What were the circumstances of the incidence... out late partying? drugged? a robbery? set up by an ex? If there is, be prayerful and cry all night for days to God. If your guy asks what's up, tell him your heart is heavy. Then take him to the station so he can see the record (confirm beforehand that it still exists).
ReplyDeleteAlso, since you gave up the child, the baby cannot come looking for you (that won't be an issue gorgeous the new family you might build) and if the secret was kept tight within a group of 5 people and you are in good terms with them, it will stay quiet.
Just be cordial with all but don't allow them have hubby's phone no or vice versa. No visiting extended family and don't flaunt his wealth or yours, it might stir up bitter envy
All these rules and regulations when she can save herself the stress and just tell him.
DeleteAll this stress just to conceal a secret. Na wa
DeleteNo be small thing on top wetin she go just tell am and face front.
DeleteI'm with Stella on this, don't tell him
ReplyDeleteI'm with Stella on this, don't tell him
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I am very sorry that happened to you and for how you were treated. Well done for giving love a chance ad for surviving up till today. You are a survivor, not a victim and you are doing well. You are strong, you are brave and you are so full of light and colour. You are powerful and every moment you're alive is a testimony that you are an overcomer and a fighter. You are doing so well.
ReplyDelete1 Corinthians 13.
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
If he loves you, truly, he will stay by you. It is better for him to know now, to understand your journey, your story, your trials and triumphs, and the scars that made you who you are today, you brave woman. Whatever choice he makes, you are strong enough to pick yourself back up and move on. You are a survivor, never forget.
Wish you everything good, all the happiness in the world.
God bless you mystique for your take on this. It couldn't have been said any better.
DeleteGod bless you Mystique for this take. It couldn't have been said any better.
DeleteI don't think this is a problem. If you could tell him about your sexual experiment with your gender and not feel like he would end the relationship, why's this any difficult?
ReplyDeletePlease tell him and free your conscience please. I bet you from the way you've described him, he'd sympathize with you and keep it between the both of you.
Just make sure you tell him at the right moment and place and extract as much emotions from him as you narrate the ordeal.
well spoken Stella that's exactly what i had in mined, there are secrete that need not to be told in a relationship because if u do might hunt u in the nearer future, God known your hart my dear just keep the secrete to your self.
ReplyDeletewell spoken Stella that's exactly what i had in mined, there are secrete that need not to be told in a relationship because if u do might hunt u in the nearer future, God known your hart my dear just keep the secrete to your self.
ReplyDeletePlease future parents learn to visit doctor in a case of rape for help with treatment, healing of victim and after pill before it results to pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you the honest truth not every man have the capacity for such truth. He might not see you the same way again. Nobody, no man is jesus that can accept everything. Pleas keep your mouth shut if you tell him believe me you will loose him
ReplyDeleteDon't tell him. Kapish
ReplyDeleteDear poster, PEASE TELL HIM!!! Do not build your relationship on a lie (Yes, omission is a lie) I understand how difficult it has been to open up, but it’s never too late.
ReplyDeleteYou should be able to bare your soul to the one you love. Please tell him and give him time to process the information and do what he will with it. Please do not go into marriage on the shaky foundation of secrets.
Hopefully we’ll get a positive update with your wedding invite. Lots of love 🤗
Just realized I have more to say.
DeleteDeciding to keep it to yourself for this long was for self-preservation, which is normal and understandable. Now that you know how much he loves you and vice versa, it is time to tell him. Please give him the benefit of the doubt, and trust in his capacity to understand your scars and journey. If he decides he cannot handle it, then you are better off healing and moving on now than later. Relationships are not a walk in the park, a lot of difficult conversations and vulnerability should be expected even if it's at the risk of getting heartbroken. Please, don't break his trust.
Tell him and there won't be any problem by God grace , lesbianism is an act you did yourself and he is able to say it is ok,why rape is not your doing and more so,has it affected your life with him sexually no so tell him,so that devil won't use that to stall your future ,if he knows nobody will blackmail you with it but don't think nobody will tell him tomorrow even members of your family can tell him if you have any problem with them
ReplyDeleteDEAR POSTER!!! PLEASE TELL HIM YOU HEAR ME? I WANT TO BE SO LOUD AND CLEAR TELL HIM!!!
ReplyDeleteHmmm sister Stelz, with this type of advice you gave, I see siblings marrying siblings in the future unknowingly.
ReplyDeletePlease come clean poster, for him to accept the fact u experimented lesbianism without judging you tells he is genuinely in love with you.
The truth 👌💯
DeleteYou know your man best
ReplyDeleteIf you think that’s what’s best for relationship the tell him
I would tell him because I don’t have strong mind to hold that type of secret
Don't tell him, don't tell him, don't tell him.you are 34 for Christ sake why throw away this beautiful opportunity, don't know what's always wrong with you women, how are you sure this wonderful guy told you everything about his own past
ReplyDeleteCause this is not about the past
DeleteIt’s the present and the future
The child could show up looking for her or someone might mention it to him and yawa will gas
If u tell him and lose him, don't tell the next one.
ReplyDeleteLol
DeletePlease something's rather kept unsaid
ReplyDeleteTell him because you'll have the urge to find that child some day
ReplyDeleteTell him abeg. Accept the outcome of whatever decision he takes. It's best he knows the truth
ReplyDeleteSomehow this is your first heterosexual relationship since your rape incidence at 16yrs but somehow somehow you now have enough experience to know you are dealing with a very good man. Hian!
ReplyDeleteWhy is that your problem?
DeleteSG I believe the point is she seems convinced he’s a good man but she’s inexperienced so how would she really know
DeleteAnon, a genuinely good man can give you such vibes despite having no prior relationship experience
DeletePoster, please don’t follow Stella‘a advice. Tell him the truth and let your heart be at peace, if he really loves you , he will still marry you. After all it wasn’t like you lived a promiscuous life. You were raped and I believe he will understand.
ReplyDeleteJust imagine you keep it a secret and he gets to know about it on his own.
Peace of mind is priceless.
DeleteI think you should tell him. Here is how you should go about it: News about rape and sexual harassment comes up almost every day. With a recent rape story, start a conversation about rape generally and narrow it down to how it happened to you.
ReplyDeleteIt may be difficult to say but it's better he finds out from you.
Because she didn’t tell him since that she has a child
ReplyDeleteDear poster, do you miss your child sometimes?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the bad experience you had in the past but please don't keep this a secret. Tell him and tell him now but before you that, make up your mind that he will go. Truth is, he might need sometime to think about it then if he truly loves you he would come back to your loving arm.
You will be fine dear. May God be with you
Tell him o my sister,so that even if the guy's family found out tomorrow he will be there for you to back you up,if he finds out himself or through any other means the trust will not be there for you in the relationship or marriage,if you tell him his trust for you will grow more stronger.if he really love you,he will still go ahead and marry you,just test his love for you with the rape issue and see if he really love you......... Josaria
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeleteCritically looking at Stella's opinion, let me ask you this question: "How long have you been in the relationship with him"?
If you have hid the facts too long from him (months / year), just know that if you reveal all to him he shall be downcast, broken, disappointed, etc.
But the fact remains, the secret can never be hid till eternity. It will definitely leak out somehow someday (in a very bad way). Believe you me, you won't be able to stand it.
This is my advice:
Go to the Lord in serious prayers; ask for forgiveness of all known and unknown sin. When you get a leading from God, just act so cold at him for days (number of days depend on you).
If he's really in love with you as claimed, He shall be forced to wanting to know why the moody and cold moment.
Tell him how much your heart is knitted to him and the implication of him dejecting because of your past. You should know how best you should present it anyway.
But the Bible says "a broken heart and a contrite spirit the Lord will not despise".
If he sincerely sees your brokenness coupled with the Holy Spirit by your side, God will have His way.
May God take control.
Critically looking at Stella's opinion
If there’s absolutely no way he would find out and your mind can carry it, then don’t tell him
ReplyDeleteMy dear I’m with u. If he will never find out and u are sure no one in ur family will say something then do as Stella says!!
DeleteKindly let him know. Happiness and clear mind is bae
ReplyDeletePoster seek the kingdom of God and all other things will be added unto you.syrely God will help you heal fully from your past and you will live a life of fulfillment. Once you accept Jesus, He also help you open up to this man about the past you didn't have control over. It's good you tell him for future sake, cos trust me that chid will still walk into your life one day if God says you will cross paths. Its better you let it out so that when that future comes no body will be shocked.
ReplyDeleteCos the child is not in her life, duh!!!
ReplyDeleteI think you should tell him.
ReplyDelete...please tell him, so sorry about what you had to go through as a child. ...He might want you both to go look for the child self...
ReplyDeleteTell him
ReplyDeleteTell him you were raped but don't tell him about the lesbianism
ReplyDeletePlease tell him, if he loves you and meant to be he will stay, don't listen to Stella o
ReplyDeleteHahaha…Stella no post my comments. Even you realize say you fuck up with that advise up there.
ReplyDeletePoster, for sanity and peace of mind. Please be truthful and open to your partner. Regards
Whenever you guys are together sleeping at night before dawn, while he is asleep struggle in bed like you’re being choked, when you notice he’s awake trying to wake you up scream! And open your eyes in fear, breath heavily look around you, hug him tightly when you set your eyes on him. Breath heavily. Make sure you remember the incident make sure you cry o if you cannot cry no worries. Hold him all night and fall asleep on him if you can fake sleeping, with nice deep breathing like you’re whimpering. By morning wear pajamas comot for him house if possible leave your phone go house chop enough food, wear tank top with no bra make sure it’s now Sunday. He go find you come on Monday no go work. Call a sibling of yours or friend to come over please don’t tell them yet to they can genuinely feel scared and concerned... it’s almost time you tell him o. One more thing let him always know you’re security conscious, startle at his touch in public and relax when you see his face as if he’s your angelic Superman. All this will send a signal that something has happened in your past, my dear it wasn’t your fault you were just a teenager. I’ll be back with the rest of the plan. By the time you’re done na him go dey beg you make you no dey depressed
ReplyDeletePoster, do unto others what you want done unto you, the only reason you have to tell him is if it were you would you want him to tell you? It's that simple really, let's not complicate it to validate our dubiousness.
ReplyDeleteBee, you are a genius. I was going
ReplyDeleteTo advice that the way you tell him, the way you deliver the message is very important. You need to deliver it in such a way to portray you as a victim. I know it will not be easy for you poster to relive that experience, but that is the emotion that you have to show him. And if he leaves you after telling him, then he is not the man for you.
My uncle married a lady. She herself told me about her rape when she was younger. She could not have sex with her husband in certain positions and was traumatised each time she tried so she had to come clean. He loved her. He did not drive her away. They are still together till today.
My bottom line is that, someone who truly loves you will accept you, faults and all. And if you truly love him, you would not keep this kind of secret from him.