EMOTIONALLY DETACHED FROM HUSBAND
Dear Stella,
I really hope this meets you well, ma'am.
Stella, I feel so sad being in the kind of marriage that I am in currently.
My marriage would be five years this year, and produced two boys but I am very unhappily married because I think I deserve better.
I was pressured to get married because I'm on the big side. I then got married to someone that was below me in all aspects(he came from the village while I on the other hand have very proper western education) but I felt he had the fear of God and that was enough for me or so I thought.
This man's reasoning is something else. When you say someone is dull; he is dull. He resigned two years ago and till date; he has not been able to get another job. The head for business is not there. I have been the one fending for my family for the past two years and it took its toll on me and my health failed in Dec. I almost died.
As it stands, I am s#xually, mentally, physically, emotionally and physiologically frustrated. No iota of love here from him to me and same to him. We are not quarrelling but we don't get intimate nor have stimulating conversations. I have stopped sleeping with him because I feel very hurt and unloved so I don't see the point.
Small issue like; do not give my jaundiced baby agbo and he goes ballistic asking me if I own the child or him. His birthday comes and I spoil him; but mine, not even a candy. We didn't court for long. I discovered the real him a day to our wedding when we couldn't even agree on a small thing. I almost called off the wedding but my mom would have been heartbroken.
As it stands, I'm just here for my kids. They are very attached to him. He is a good father (though he's not providing) but a very terrible husband. I don't know the stand to take on this matter as I don't see a change anytime soon. I used to be a hopeless romantic but all that is gone because it's not his style at all.
Dear Stella,
I really hope this meets you well, ma'am.
Stella, I feel so sad being in the kind of marriage that I am in currently.
My marriage would be five years this year, and produced two boys but I am very unhappily married because I think I deserve better.
I was pressured to get married because I'm on the big side. I then got married to someone that was below me in all aspects(he came from the village while I on the other hand have very proper western education) but I felt he had the fear of God and that was enough for me or so I thought.
This man's reasoning is something else. When you say someone is dull; he is dull. He resigned two years ago and till date; he has not been able to get another job. The head for business is not there. I have been the one fending for my family for the past two years and it took its toll on me and my health failed in Dec. I almost died.
As it stands, I am s#xually, mentally, physically, emotionally and physiologically frustrated. No iota of love here from him to me and same to him. We are not quarrelling but we don't get intimate nor have stimulating conversations. I have stopped sleeping with him because I feel very hurt and unloved so I don't see the point.
Small issue like; do not give my jaundiced baby agbo and he goes ballistic asking me if I own the child or him. His birthday comes and I spoil him; but mine, not even a candy. We didn't court for long. I discovered the real him a day to our wedding when we couldn't even agree on a small thing. I almost called off the wedding but my mom would have been heartbroken.
As it stands, I'm just here for my kids. They are very attached to him. He is a good father (though he's not providing) but a very terrible husband. I don't know the stand to take on this matter as I don't see a change anytime soon. I used to be a hopeless romantic but all that is gone because it's not his style at all.
In five years of marriage, we've not kissed up to ten times. the s#x leading to my pregnancies have been under duress (I hear stuff like your body is my right). Truly, I don't see him changing and that's just who he is. Doesn't make him a bad person but he's not good enough for me.
I truly do not know the step to take. Do I wait for the kids to be grown and then move on to get the love I crave for and deserve or do I just stay put for the rest of my life; enduring till death do us part.
I truly do not know the step to take. Do I wait for the kids to be grown and then move on to get the love I crave for and deserve or do I just stay put for the rest of my life; enduring till death do us part.
*You have not mentioned that he beat you and I am glad about that... He just does not meet up to your expectations romantically and in some ways... what if you meet a Romantic person who turns out Violent.....
I Understand how pissed you may be but you can still be with him and be happy, just shut down emotionally so that nothing he does will affect you at all...
Shutting down emotionally and ignoring your feelings is no way to live and might push you into depression or other mental health problems.
ReplyDeleteDV is not the only reason to walk out of a marriage. You sound utterly frustrated. Do what is best for you.
Learn to be firm and stand for what you believe to be right and do not be pressured into going against your own wishes. You alone wear the shoes and know where it pinches.
Wish you all the best.
You said it all Mystique. Poster Don't live the rest of your life unhappy and depressed. Life is Good and Beautiful.
DeleteYou people are still staying for the kids in 2023 ? Ok o
DeleteYou think your kids do not have eyes to see and feel how cold your home is.
You actually have your faults (speaking to him in a disrespectful manner) but that’s also because you are frustrated and tired, you are no longer in love with this man, it’s not even about him but about you. You are not interested in making it work and that’s okay.
I think you should both discuss going your both ways because I can bet he isn’t happy either.
Push up (original)
Thank you o Mystique. I really don't know how people do it. Marrying someone you're not attracted to and enduring for so long. I cannot do it ó.
DeleteIt's not easy especially when there's so much pressure, but at the end, its you that will stay in the marriage and not those mounting pressure on you.
Well, poster, I think you need a break. Just take some time away from him. I believe it will help you know the best step to take cos you matter too and these issues are valid grounds for dissolution of the marriage.
Also will remind you that your body is not anyone's right and there is such a thing as marital rape.
ReplyDeletePele.
I am starting to hate being a woman. The way she has had to accept being raped by her "husband" and getting pregnant that way. So sad and dehumanising.
DeleteTell that to the people that preach the woman's body is the man's but not the opposite 🤤🤤🤣🤣🤣. Don't want to call names.
DeleteWhy did he resign?
ReplyDeleteWomen marrying down is not easy at all. Someone tell the man to look for a job. It is well oh.
ReplyDeleteNo desperation, your mother, father, sister, brother being heartbroken is worth it now abi?
DeleteMadam..I will try as much a possible to tell you the truth!!...Life is for Living!!(Don't ever forget that). Anything, circumstances, situation, personality etc that won't make you live life in Joy and Fulfilment..Walk away... Stop Enduring, Tolerating and doing long suffering with People and situation that won't change if the person doesn't see a need to.Let me tell you what one of my Mentor told me:He said for you to be successful in anything you do either spiritual or physical..You must be a "Successful Person"..He said if you are not a successful person..you can be even a successful Christian..Then he wouy say..when you are supposed to go to school..go..Learn a craft.. learn ..etc...he said all these things is for you to be a successful person..then you can take that successful you give give someone..Just as you said he is a good father ..but bad husband..so are you going to live your life hoping he would be a good husband one day?..See..man is a spirit...he has a soul and lives in a body...the voice of his spirit is his concience..Once you don't find rest..I mean deep rest from your soul...Walk away... Madam.. People don't change..they only evolve...You still have age on your side...stop hoping he would change..start working your way out..Don't die because you made a decision to stay with a man that will never change...And stop praying for him o change.. Because he won't.. Lastly.. Remember no marriage in heaven..so why live your life in pain till death for something without eternal value..I rest my case..God be with you
ReplyDeleteAdvising someone to end a marriage without proper consultation. You will give account of your words ro God. The woman only said what she want you to hear. Did you see the husband? Did u try to help or counsel him?
DeleteGod is the judge of all. Never forget.
This is so sad to read. You were forced to marry out of fear and like everything done out of desperation it always leads to greater problems. Nobody should ever follow through with anything to please a parent, it would have been better for you to call off the wedding then and there than this. Apart from cultural differences which creates the most problems for couples, the next big chasm between couples is education. Not being able to have an enlightening conversation with a spouse can only be painful because this is the person you see first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Your life is complicated because you have sons and he is the father, boys need fathers and do best when their father is around. Try couples counselling. You have to face the fact that your husband's intellectual capacity is what it is. You have to learn to love the man you have, not the one you dream you had. Talk with him to see what his passion is, if he has any natural talents or abilities that he could use as guidance to even pursue a certificate course, apprenticeship or business. He must get to financially supporting the family.
ReplyDeleteI always support divorce under the right circumstances. I do not think divorcing because of dull conversations and being unromantic is even spiritually permitted. Buy your own flowers and chocolates, go on the getaways by yourself. Do what you love to make yourself feel good. Sometimes you just gotta do you.
There is about 20-30% of the male population that specializes in bbw. No big woman should feel like she will never get a man ever. The men who love big girls only date or marry them, that's what they love.
Thank you so much. Thank you, Stella. Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. Going through each and everyone is encouraging. God bless you guys.
DeleteYou only got married because you where pressured by your parents yo get married. From your write up not form of violence which is great. Stay put and find a way to deal with the emotional issues and also take to him about how you feel and see if there would be a change.
ReplyDeleteDear bv's marry when you know your heart has found the true love you seek for and not for the sake of peer pressure from family to avoid issues like this. No award for who got married early to avoid early complain in marriage.
Better stay in that marriage there is nothing out there. Try communication and pray. You are married you are married stop checking out when there is no DV please. You can't say you have not said hurtful things to your husband too. When you communicate, you will find out you are not the only one hurting. God bless you as you pray for wisdom.
ReplyDelete🙄🙄🙄🚶🚶🚶🚶
DeleteThanks ADA. Cheers
DeleteIf you leave him,he might harm your children since he has no money to fall back on. Lean on friends and family ,take holidays and take care of yourself. OR you could file for divorce and full custody of your children since you are the sole provider but watch your back and pray for God's protection. I wish you well.
ReplyDeleteYou made your bed please lie on it . Mine is a terrible father and husband I’m just there for the sex👍
ReplyDelete😅
Delete🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteMadam, get a side cock and enjoy your life.
ReplyDeleteYou can still remain married to him just for your kids to have a stable home but for your own personal happiness, get a side cock and enjoy your life.
In 3 months time, you will glow and testify
This blog sha
DeleteWhala everywhere hahahahaha
DeleteHian
DeleteHow will side cock help except bring more problems.
DeletePhrizzles, An uneducated husbnd manwill already feel she is disrespecting him by bringing the main income, even her breathing, removing her shoes, from a long day of work will automatically upset/offend him. Then the unexposed part of him will assume she is flirting with every man she comes across in the course of her breadwinning, school runs, grocery shopping t al, . Finally the village man in him will believe in superstition and jungle justice. Madam poster, if you dare do side cock runnings while married to an uncivilised uneducated, jobless man, who already feels he owns you, na death warrant be that. Dont take this advice at all. Not even codedly, a man with all the time in the world is already watching your every move, noting your routine. DONT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE O.
DeleteMa'am the street is military, stay put in ur marriage, if u leave another woman will turn him into her Romeo instead of complaining, why don't u pray to God to turn him into what u want, but u need patience, u shld have called the marriage off the instant u noticed, and i bet u dear that ur mum's heart will still stay put, the thrills of marriage led u on not ur mum ok, stay put in that marriage or leave and see him flourish in love with another woman. But if it's love u want, go and seek out the love u want, but bear it in mind that u will still see things that will put u off in the new man. And u will crave for another thing, which will drive u to leave too, the craving continues, the bitter truth is that u hated this man the moment he lost his job.he became shit to u.
ReplyDeleteOh Lord have mercy
DeleteGod has become our errand boy, "ask God to make him what you want" is that not witchcraft?? Na wa!
DeleteStella this your advice is a very dangerous one. It’s like telling someone to shut down physically, i don’t think it’s that easy, a healthy being comprises health in all aspects of life; physical, mental, emotional, otherwise.
ReplyDeleteIn thé bid to repress her emotions resentment may continue to build up and she may end up doing something terrible to that man she never had intentions of doing.
Poster pray and seek Gods direction for your life and pray for His divine intervention. I don’t think the answer you really need will be in this comment session. Good luck to you.
Stella’s advice of shutting down emotionally is not different for the constant advice here to love yourself! You are moving the love your have been giving to yourself!! That’s how I see it though.
DeleteThis man has not body shamed u for being too big, but here u are saying all this horrible things about him, if u were on the big side when u were about to get married, i wonder how u will be now, madam please leave him already and go and look for a sharp romantic man u crave for, let mr dull innocent mind find a find slender woman that he deserves
ReplyDeleteI don’t see anything here that counselling can’t fix.
DeletePoster you’re also raising your nose at him. It’s subtle, but it’s there in your write up.
DeleteNo. Not subtle. Is it is there from the first to the last line.
DeleteThe man disgust her. Thank God he is a good father. He is not all useless as Poster wants us to believe.
I'm very sure the poster has seen another young boy outside.
DeleteNothing last forever.
They shouldn't have married. But now they are. That intellectual thing is important, though many people think of it last, if at all. If as a couple you can't discuss issues and be on the same wavelength, there will be issues on both sides. So poster, it is either you stay and try to make the best of your situation or you japa. Maybe try tushing him up and teaching him how to be more romantic. He has to be teachable though and you mustn't be high handed in your approach. Some men do this to the women they marry and things go fine. Also try to talk with him (not at him) about what he wants to do with his life. Maybe he is going through some kind of midlife crisis and depressed. Please pray. But if you are absolutely disgusted, at least take a break to think very carefully about your next step.
DeleteI have three people I know who married low. They are graduates, working class, had their cars before marriage but this issue of being incomplete without answering Mrs pushed them. Today two are divorced, the third person is afraid of what people will say.
ReplyDeleteEveryone should try and marry his/her class and type. Uneducated men has ego, poor men are so entitled, very short men are controlling and domineering. Men who are far richer than your entire generation feel like gods, Please wait till you meet your type. Marriage is a hard work. Try and make the stress less by waiting to marry your choice/type. Those people pushing you will not be there to face the struggles and midnight tears with you.
@poster, weigh your options, stay because of your children or leave because you too deserve to be happy. What a waste of effort to bring up Children in an unhappy home.
Did anybody force those women to marry down????. Nonsense and ingredients
Delete16:49
DeleteA hypocrital society forced them to settle
👏👏👏👏👏👏
Delete19:17, every adult person should take responsibility for his/her decision and action.
DeleteOn this blog we have read of a female medical doctor bv who married an Onitsha market trader. The both of them are in the USA now doing well contrary to what her friends told her before the marriage.
DeleteIt is not class that matters. It is the hearts and attitude of both parties.
The beginning of problems in such marriage is for one partner to think that he or she married down or up.
Here, Poster believed even before the marriage that she was marrying down. She has held on to that mindset in relating with her husband. Yet she expect the marriage to work better than what it is now?
" Small issue like; do not give my jaundiced baby agbo and he goes ballistic asking me if I own the child or him."
ReplyDeleteA couple that never see reasons why one doesn't want them to do what they are doing all because you want to be the one to make the final decision all the time. These are the kind of things I fear in a marriage. Jeees! God please.
The both of you do not match in any way. No compatibility atall.
We should date people who have the same mentality with us at least that will help us resolve issues in understanding
Poster pls what do you want us to do now? You sound like you don’t want to move anywhere cos according to u, the kids are attached to him, and then ur mom would still be heart broken, while on the other hand you sound like you detest this man, so what do u want?
ReplyDeleteStay until your kids get grown. In the meantime, lose that thing that made you get married to him. ; your weight. It likely also contributed to your ill health
ReplyDeleteYou used him to cover shame, now it’s your turn to cover his shame 1:1
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteJust that marriage and the man are made for the woman. It will help our society if this truth is taught men before marriage.
Wy don't you sit him down and tell him how you feel. I am sure the same way you have your own grievance he has his. Marriage is a big work and it's not for everyone.
ReplyDeleteIf you think you will be happy somewhere else go for it. But make I warn you nothing dey outside oo
Today Chronicle and yesterday chronicle, I must confess that they should have been cousins.
ReplyDeleteTwo hearts just blank. God Take the wheel. At least today’s own is not highly complicated.
Mummy Anthony- Clever
Agbo to a baby. Ignorance can be dangerous
ReplyDeleteI think you should have sex with him
And see him as a project that you can recreate in your own image. Might be exhausting at first but there are lots of men that testify about their wives upgraded them
Magnify the positives in your husband and enhance on it.
ReplyDeleteMen are quick to assert their "husband right and authority" when they sense challenge and condescending attitude from their wives. Truth is your post shows you are very condescending towards your husband to the extent that you married him out of pity for your mother and sx has been forced from the onset.
Your love languages are different. Find a middle ground to Amen you call your marriage. Clearly, the man is not all bad or wicked. He is not just not your level. However, you didn't do him a favor and he didn't do you a favor by the marriage.
If we may ask, why men your level did not marry you? You think it is about your body? It is not sister.
The best part of your post is that it shows the sole provider burden on husbands often trivialized by some of our sisters - that husbands fall sick, almost die and actually die from the exhaustion of the effort.
Here's wishing you restored health, divine intervention and happiness in your marriage.
Thanks Stella
Is there anything good in this man at all? One thing you actually like? If there is, maybe you can manage. If not, I think you should be the one to advise yourself so you won’t blame anybody for your decision. The one wey dem advise you before, na im dey cause trouble so.
ReplyDeleteShe said he’s a good father
Deletemadam, do what you feel is right, cos at the end you are the one to live with such consequence. i feel you both need to see a counsellor. hope you know there is no perfect man out there. we all fight with our couple too and forgive. there are days we regret we married such person and many days we bless God for bringing same people our way. as long as he's not beating you, speak to a counsellor and see if it can still be salvaged,
DeleteThank you, Poster. This chronicle reinforce why I should not bow to my mum's pressure. I pray you find peace and love
ReplyDeleteYou see eh, most of these men don't know so many things about women. Only sex full their heads, and that's where they are getting it wrong.
DeleteMy dear talk to him. Your husband needs to attend marriage seminarssss.
Him no dey watch romantic movies?
Wait first ooo. He is not your type yet you dated enough to marry him. A day to the wedding you realized his true color yet you married him.
ReplyDeleteI know your type.. hot guy looking good and can talk sweet. All the girls are saying they want him then you decided yourself want the Wonderful guy.
He too saw that you have money and so decided you are his ticket to enjoyment.
Enjoy your wahalaaa
Lol you don’t know her
DeleteYour conclusion is not nice
DeleteHmmm, It's not easy to shut down emotionally ooo Stellicoco
ReplyDeleteI think your problem is you don't love yourself. Love yourself, for example the money you used to spend on his birthday, next time save for your birthday and get yourself a present don't even offer up happy birthday to him. Save your saliva for loving yourself. Get clothes that show off your figure. You are calling someone living off you dull meanwhile he is smart enough to let you do all the work while he lounges and answer husband. Stop fending for him. Give him food but it stops there. Don't give him your hard earned money. Take yourself out you are married not dead. Be good to yourself and watch others be good to you.
ReplyDeletethis is it 👍
DeleteWalk away
ReplyDeleteShe should just be with him and shut down???
ReplyDeleteWhy are Nigerian women always encouraged to endure utter rubbish?
But if it is the man, den for do dey even send their single sisters numbers.
Madam na you know if you wanna live the test of your life in thus dirty bondage.
Na you rush in, I didn't know that being in the b'big side' ( na wetin you call yourself o) is the reason why you should rush into marriage.
Even the man is enduring what you called utter rubbish marriage. So, it is not always men are quick to collect numbers as you think.
DeleteOnly mothers and female relatives know the type of marriages their sons and male relatives endure.
Madam, you both need counseling. Which will determine the next step.
ReplyDeleteIs there an unbiased elder he respects or listens to? How about your Pastor? If you can afford a professional, pls do.
You will be surprised he is as frustrated as you too.
And may be unaware the damages he has caused due to that.
Ensure you have exhausted your options before thinking of taking a bow.
If you were slimmer shey you for no dey this mess?
ReplyDeletePoster I’m going through exact same situation. Only difference is, he’s educated but still has village mentality. I’ve been in the US for 20 years and he just moved here about 5 years ago. I’m also on the big side. I gained more weight after having kids. When we were dating, he was extremely sweet, I fell hard for him. We fcuked so well when I visited naija. (We grew up in the same church/town).We did traditional wedding, I filed for him and he moved to the states. He started misbehaving after he moved here and making money (he had no job in naija). He saw Spanish women, American women, beautiful women in different shapes and sizes. He started getting irritated with me and would snap at me. I would cry and chase him looking for his love. His ego kept getting bigger and bigger. I’ve become a shadow of myself. Ive lost myself and have serious low self esteem. We’ve been sleeping separately for almost 4 years. I finally told him officially that I want to be separated. I mean we’ve been sleeping separately and doing our things separately but get intimate once in a while. I have stopped having sex with him. I don’t plan on moving out now because the kids are still young and it’s better to raise them in one roof and co parent them plus the city I’m in is too expensive for me to handle the bills alone.also he’s a great father to our kids . So here’s what I plan on doing, I’m taking my gym seriously so I can lose a lot of weight. (I’ve lost 15pds so far but it’s not enough) I’ve been going to bed on time so I can sleep well, also I plan on doing some skills training so I can improve my income so I won’t depend on him too much. I use the days he’s with the kids to focus on me; i workout, I journal, I pray, listen to affirmations on improving self esteem on YouTube. I plan on meeting new friends once I lose more weight and also I’m going back to church starting tomorrow. I realized that I was too too focused on him and this marriage that Ive neglected myself and stopped loving myself. You need to love yourself first. Look for male friends/female friends and hang out with them when you’re ready. Male friends I noticed boosted my confidence more with no string attached. With time, he’ll start to see that you don’t need him emotionally anymore. If he sits up and decides to step up and make the marriage work then good for you and the kids. If not, just know within your heart that you’ve made enough efforts on your part and you’re absolutely NOT chasing a man for love anymore. So focus on you, lose weight (sign up for a gym, burn calories and life weight to tone up. Also do intermittent fasting/keto for 1-3 months for fast weight loss result and find something that’ll curb your appetite like green tea in the morning so you won’t eat so much). We can do this!! Wish I can have your instagram name so we can connect and talk. You need emotional support. I’m looking for a support group for women around my area. Join an organization/volunteer to meet new people when you’re ready. Goodluck to us and remember you are enough.💕
ReplyDeleteYour cross please carry it.
ReplyDeleteLearn to be kind on your choice of words biko.
DeletePeople are going through a lot make person no go dey depressed b/cus of mere words
In your choice of words*
DeleteIf you can't fit in to his specs, why not model him to your specs? If it is not possible, I beg live your life, your children will live there own.
ReplyDelete