Hmmmm.....
Stella, sometime in Dec. 2020 ,I posted a chronicle about a wicked mother. You all will understand better if you can read that chronicle.
Nothing has changed much.
She passed away yesterday at over 80 yrs. Body has been deposited in a mortuary. Much as I don't feel anything. There is still that sense of loss. I did my best!
I actually went to visit her in Dec 2024. She did not recognise me. As if I knew I wouldn't see her again, I went to her room together with my brother, knelt down and asked her to pray for us. I wanted real prayer of supplications, forgiveness and blessings. But, all she could say was. " I cover you with the blood of Jesus" She kept repeating that line. No problem though.
Now to the burial, Everything financial will be on me. I don't really know tradition as first daughter. I want her buried asap, say May. But my brother said No. He is the one that collects her pension and makes only me to cater for her upkeep. He only brings out minimally from the pension. I pay for the care giver, medication and feedings. When I ask about mother's pension,he becomes aggressive and flares up. We don't get along well.
Knowing that the burden of burying our mother will be on me I had put aside some money since 2015 in a dedicated account. Nobody knows about this. But I give the impression that I don't have any source of income as they all hardly know me.
Now he claims he does not have any money for the burial. I am not surprised.. He is in his late forties. I am older than him. He said he needs to hustle to enable him play his role. I want to travel to the village to meet him and plan. He said he is not available now. Not reachable. Me too, I will soon be unreachable.
People are saying I should follow him gently. He is problematic, arrogant and very brutal. You know how frustrated people behave. I intend to see him when he is ready to meet with me.
Even if they take the burial to 2026 the resources will still be on me. And I have my plans of travelling out all set.
But,How do I travel knowing my mother is in the mortuary irrespective of the strained relationship? I don't want them to know of my trip. I intend to play down concerning the burial.
What do you all mean by befitting burial? Please, What constitutes a befitting burial? I am naive here!
I am so sorry for your loss.... Whether she was wicked or not, the one who carried you for nine months has gone....Please forgive totally.....
Please avoid that your brother oooooh.....Tell him that you will borrow the mney for yor mums burial, if he refuses and says he will look for the money by himself then just travel please...
You are the first daghter alright but custom wise, its on him to do everything as the first son.....Since you know that his behaviour is from frustration, why didnt you help with money for some kind of business in the village?May God guide you.
Go with the First 9 lines of Stella’s blue pen advice. Be smart. Do not go anywhere to meet him
ReplyDeletePoster don't give him money for business o. He is a "King", let him go and hustle.
DeleteTell him you will borrow money and he too should look for little change so that you can bury her low-key. If he is adamant, leave him and travel but let the elders know your stance and his own stance before he will tell them lies.
I’m sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteIf I were you, I would try to do the bare minimum for the burial to be done now. All the extras will be left for him to do because that’s his role as first son. The village people can postpone it till forever, if he doesn’t pay up, he can’t celebrate any other major rites in the village. If he fails to pay, his kids must pay.
I hope you have other people who love you and are close to you. Because you need to be as far as possible from this your so called leech of a brother. Once you go abroad, billing go be times 5. And when you don’t give, he will say you’re wicked. You will only be good for what you provide.
I can’t remember your other chronicle but I actually feel really sorry for you. Your words are totally bland and devoid of feeling, it seems like you’ve always felt alone even when surrounded by people in your family.
Ndo.
Yeah! Ndo
DeleteSome family members can be very toxic and it's fuelled by the mother most times .
DeletePoster pls just leave him.
ReplyDeleteKeep hiding yourself financially.
Also, travel out since you are set and let your number be reachable on Whatsapp so that he can reach you when he is ready..
Pls don't post flashy pictures or status anywhere to show your location or lifestyle.
Play along with him and tell him you will borrow money to play your own part as you jobless and broke. Don't give him any money pls.
Stella, someone that could not do anything meaningful with his life upon all their mum's pension he was collecting, his sister was paying the major bills, why do you think he will do any meaningful business now if his sister gives him money?
Poster, don't give him shishi.
Things are just wield in the world ,human being are just terrible ,may the good Lord blessed and keep you all now that your mother is no more
ReplyDeletePoster plead with him that there’s no money anywhere so you guys need to burry your mom ASAP cos keeping her in the morgue for long requires much resources.
ReplyDeleteFan Emmanuel
poster you know he is the first son, you as a woman has no say when you have a brother. The elders will wait for him to decide when he want to do that and not you or your force attitude. You need to follow him with wisdom, be patient with him cos is remaining just one thing which is this. If this is over you will just stay your lane and face front.
ReplyDeleteYou can also go see your uncles or some elders you respect in your community who can speak with him to see if anyone can talk to him to bring it to that may. If after you have done that no good outcome, please travel and allow him face the music. When he is ready to take decision and you are not reachable please send your contribution to him and also inform your kins men about it, face your life over there.
Some first sons allow this position to get into their head, they act like mini god cos one need their contribution. He want to show you that he is in charge, as the first son but do not allow that get to you. Above all don't stop praying for him, always speak to him in a calm way and do not try to show him that you have penny.
May the good lord comfort you on every side, give you the heart to bear.
May her soul rest in peace. You have to be a step ahead of your brother. Consult with the family . From there you can know what to do. Don't show money oooo,always negotiate and plead with the elders.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do, poster, please never divulge the funds you set aside for the burial. Stay as low-key as possible, while playing your part in the burial proceedings.
ReplyDeleteIt's well, poster do whatever it takes to pay her that last respect
ReplyDeleteI hope your brother knows it is illegal to keep accepting your mum's pension if she has died.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, the way we do burials has made the entire process too expensive, Muslims know what they are doing. A befitting burial means one that will not bring shame to the household, it covers all expected protocols, both traditionally and religiously. But in today's economy I think it is wise for ppl to cut down and do according to their capacity. If the household is low income why break the necks to put on a show, everybody knows the financial standing of the family anyway. Just do a modest funeral that is affordable instead of keeping that woman on ice and decomposing for months.
There should be some funds available through the government to assist with the cost of burial for low-income households. I do not know where that is, but a little asking around should get you there.
Muslims bury then do 8th day 40 th day etc
DeleteWe love parties. The end
Sorry for your loss poster.
ReplyDeleteEven though, you’ve carried this burden long enough - out of responsibility, not necessarily love - and that’s admirable. But grief is complicated, even when the relationship is strained. A burial isn’t about grandeur; it’s about closure, and closure comes from knowing you did what you could. Your brother’s behaviour is predictable; his entitlement is a storm in a teacup; don’t let it dictate your plans or let it manipulate your future. If he delays and stalls, let him. The mortuary isn’t a waiting room for emotions to change - A body in the mortuary is a debt that accrues, not a soul in limbo. Do what aligns with your peace - within reason - and move forward. If travelling is your next step, take it without guilt - leave guilt where it belongs - with those who earned it. You don’t owe a performance of mourning to anyone - we grieve differently. Honour her in a way that sits right with your spirit, then release the weight of expectations that were never fair to begin with.
And to answer your question about what constitutes a befitting burial. It means that your mother's funeral shouldn’t be about how much you need to spend or how grand the ceremony has to be - it’s about laying your mother to rest with dignity and in a way that brings you peace and praiseworthy satisfaction to the family by meeting the traditional rites required to bury someone of her age, just to calm fraying nerves. Some see it as a lavish event, filled with crowds and tradition, on a body that has ceased to contribute to humanity. While others believe it’s simply about honouring the person with love and a proper farewell. What truly matters is that you say goodbye in a way that feels right for you, not what others expect. A burial isn’t a performance; it’s closure - instead, let it be you showing her you have forgiven her. Do what you can, within your means and conscience, and let that be enough. No one will ask you to rebury your mother again.
Na way o!
ReplyDeleteSo it’s not only in my family that a mother will be collecting from her daughter and giving her pension to her favourite child, her son?
It’s really sad the way they end up ruining their favourite’s life.
In my case too, I’ve been setting aside the money for my mum’s burial because I know everything will be on me. I can’t shake off the feeling I have that my mum wishes her favourite would be the only one alive so only he can inherit my late father’s and her own houses but God pass them.
Poster pls let your uncles know you want the burial done in May but if he disagrees, just go ahead with your trip. Send whatever you have to trusted vendors to render the needed services when he’s ready. Don’t give him the money directly pls.
I advise you let your mum’s former employer or the pension company she uses know she has passed so they will stop the payment. Write a letter to them to this effect.
The burial is not ideal in May, it would be rainy season except it will be done in a hall
DeleteMay her soul rest in peace.
ReplyDeleteJust relocate.
If he contacts you, send him the little you can afford. Do not feel guilty and do not
You are not his responsibility.
Technically speaking, since he was collecting your mother's pension, he should be able to bury her and you give whatever you can give.
Moving aboard may be a good start for you, to wash your hands clean of Nigeria and focus on making it there. Good luck
Sorry for your loss poster. Please don't ever reveal your financial position to your brother, try to talk to the elders in the family to convince your brother so the burial can hold in May.
ReplyDeleteMay is raining season
ReplyDeleteI don’t think they will do it in May
By many Nigerian standards, your bother has not done badly. Your mother just died so let him figure things out. He will probably do it towards the end of the year
Pls be consoled
How has he not done badly?. Stealing his own mother’s pension, reaping off his sister. You people will defend anything in trousers gosh!!
Delete03:44, the anon said by many Nigerian standards. Meaning that Nigerians encourage irresponsible men. As long as he is a man, he does nothing wrong. So it is a sarcasm
DeleteI am the poster.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your input. I don't intend to relocate now . I will come back for the burial.
Yes I have spoken to some family members I know. They all say I should work with his time. They consider rain and market too.
Unfortunately, he has issues with most of family members cause of his arrogance and ways concerning the pension .
They were all pitying me and the weight I was carrying.
I'm even afraid that you want to meet with him, let him not harm you. If he's proving stubborn, please leave him alone ooo. Travel without telling them, you must be there fur the burial. Once they want to bury her, send your own money. You've done your best
ReplyDeleteMay her soul rest well that's I have to say
ReplyDelete