SERIOUS SITUATION
I met my husband 15 years ago, at which point he already owned his own home. We married a year later.
Just before COVID, we moved abroad for my postgraduate studies.
During this time, we both agreed for me to save my scholarship upkeep money which I received for 5 years, while my husband covered all of our living expenses including rent, food, and utilities.
After I finished my program, we decided to buy a home. My scholarship savings funded half of the down payment. On the advice of his lawyer, I signed a document officially 'gifting' this money to my husband.
My husband put only his name on the property. I felt incredibly sidelined. Although the lawyer had initially mentioned that co-ownership wouldn't make a difference, my husband justified leaving me off the deed by pointing out that I wasn't working at the time.
I was deeply hurt, but I let it slide because he had otherwise been a supportive and self sacrificing provider.
Because we bought a new house, he told me he needed to transfer the ownership of his property in Abuja Nigeria, to qualify for first ime buyer benefits here in the diaspora.
He promised he would transfer the Abuja house into my name. Yet, once the mortgage was finalized and I asked him about it, he casually mentioned that he had put his mother’s name on the deed instead.
This was another devastating blow, but I stayed quiet.
Recently, his sister and her children moved in with us due to housing issues. This has placed a massive financial strain on us especially increased feeding and utility bills and we currently have zero savings.
I just started a high paying job, and my husband is now asking me to contribute to the household bills. I have blatantly refused. I love him and he is a great father to our children but have issue with the financial aspects of things, it feels selfish looking out for himself alone.
Going forward I have decided to save my money in case of an emergency and I want to eventually buy my own property in the near future.
Still, I feel guilty about refusing to help with the bills. Is my reaction justified?
Kindly post in chronicles. I have been a silent blog visitor since 2015.
Kindly post in chronicles. I have been a silent blog visitor since 2015.
Thanks Stella
What kind of man is this????Please you are justified, your husband is a user!.....He has skillfully removed your name from the papers and nothing is yours anymore...Please hide and save your money and make sure you have a plan B cos this man may be good but he has plans that will not favour you....Be alert and know that you are not Jesus that fed plenty people..
Foolish woman… u made deposit for the house abroad & u didn’t add ur name? The man doesn’t love u… sidelined u on 2 ocassions?..marriage is overrated & not worth it… I will keep saying this
ReplyDeletePls don't call her that, you are not in her shoes to understand what made her allow this, no one should blame anyone, I am a victim of this too, you will bring the money, property will be put in their names, you don't understand the power of manipulation especially if you are like me who is the last girl and had to give room for others to be looked after while you go to the market to trade, bring money to pay others school fees/dresses for others and yourself etc, while they stay at home, mind you this one is my parent, I wasn't a maid, but was treated like one, so the mentality followed me into marriage. The next thing was let's put it in the children's name, so it is easy to Will it to them, you end up not having any property in your name. Wow I cried taya, but I started saving for myself, I even refused to buy any property in my name, all my savings now is for myself alone!!! My children have property in their name but I don't, wow leave this life, don't blame anyone as sometimes you feel like a fool yourself, so don't call her that bcos you don't know how many times she thinks, feels that way but all she wanted was to build a home.
DeleteMy dear, try and start a mortgage in your name if you are still below 50years, me I don walk pass, now I look after myself, eat what I want to eat, buy what I want to buy for this girl/woman/wife/mother.
15:10, Don't blame her. she's inlove. marriage will make women act like fools.
DeleteOP, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I am firmly of the belief and opinion that trust and fidelity in words and actions are basis of any marital union and once these get broken, then that union gets exposed to needless trials.
ReplyDeleteYour husband clearly failed the integrity test here. I fail to see how he can justify leaving off the name of a wife from a property. From the looks of it, he isn't planning for a future with you in it. I'm pretty sure you suspect this already.
What do you do? Nothing besides looking out for yourself going forward. A couple of investments here and there wouldn't hurt but investments known only to you for now.
That said, you are very wrong for failing to contribute to the running of the home. Your husband did that solely for five years and you admitted that. So throw him a bone and put something on the table but this must be done only AFTER you have put aside something for yourself first.
Poster look out for yourself, start putting yourself first, you all have tried.
ReplyDeleteThe two scenarios are not pleasant but I suggest that now that you are working, you should start contributing a certain percentage of your income to housekeeping. Also save and be more business minded in your financial dealings with your hubby going forward.. You don't need to quarrel or fret about it. Just ensure your financial interest are protected going forward. You can always get your own lawyer to do due diligence.
ReplyDeleteDivorce him.
ReplyDeleteNah, she's gone too far to file for a divorce. Poster, it's time to face your front. His sister, his problem. Do not go extra mile with anything you decide to buy(strictly feeding). Only the bear minimum and that is if and when you feel like it.
DeleteIt appears that even with being educated and exposed ppl your lives are deeply rooted in cultural norms. If you were truly a team and an equal his mother would not be the one whose name is on the title of anything. I do not understand why financially you are an outsider in the marriage. Couples make sacrifices to get the family ahead all the time, that doesn’t mean one gets cut out of everything. It’s wrong how he did things, selfish and self serving.
ReplyDeleteAs you are not a financial equal in the marriage you have to be wise. It is possible that even though your name is not on the current house document that legally you still have co ownership rights through marriage, it depends on the family law of the place you are in. It is important that you are legally married and not just married under customary law which may put you as a common-law couple wherever you are. You should familiarize yourself with the family law, because it could affect you too if you end up earning more than him.
To make peace reign, I would help out marginally, not at any great level. Just enough to give the appearance of teamwork and dutiful wife, I would keep a record too. But I would definitely save offshore and secure investments on my own, and in my own name, this includes property and everything else.
Be careful of that your husband, his plans for you are not too good, if possible, demand and insist that he should include your name in the abroad house if you have proof and evidence of sending him money during the time he bought the house.
ReplyDeleteSave towards buying a home in your own name. It appears he has deliberately excluded you from ownership, possibly in collaboration with the lawyer. Rather than allowing this to become a source of constant conflict, be wise and plan for your own financial security.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, continue to contribute to the household in whatever way you can, even if it's just a token amount. Doing so demonstrates goodwill, responsibility, and your commitment to the family while you work towards securing your own future.
Madam they will kick you out.oo get a lawyer now
ReplyDeleteWhen a marriage turns to business run oo
ReplyDeleteSave your own money.
ReplyDeleteSave your own money.
Save your own money!!!!
"On the advice of his lawyer, I signed a document officially 'gifting' this money to my husband"
ReplyDeleteYour husband and the lawyer their heads are not correct. So you are not working hence you can't have your name on a house document yet the same you that they claim isn't working can still go ahead to gift someone a huge sum of money enough to support buying a house? Very funny.
And as for your husband giving justification for not putting your name as you not working yet, he is simply a sly person. Why didn't he wait till you started working before he pushed you to buy the house so he could add your name to the house deeds?
You are too soft , the moment he transferred his mom's name on the Abuja property was when you should have pulled the roof down. Now see what had happened. He kept doing nonsense you kept keeping quiet . This your husband something is wrong with him.
The moment you got scholarship he started having a different agenda. He felt since he carried the house during those times the scholarship money belongs to him so he intentionally omitted your name. It was deliberate. Forget all those talks of him being a sacrificial husband. That doesn't exist anymore he is on his own, strategizing and mapping out dangerous plans and you are there watching talking about love. How can both of you be hustling yet everything goes to him alone? How can someone that has a wife put his mom"s name on his property ?
Meanwhile the same wife helped him get a property abroad with half of the payment from her own money and he cornered the property for himself?
If he wants to feed his family living with you people he should sell one of his houses off and stop bothering your life abeg!
With this greedy man you may not grow if you don't apply sense. Start saving and making plans for yourself not as a couple but individually since that is what he wants. He is far ahead of you. Very crafty man
Na so my husband buy property he put only his name.
ReplyDeleteI was just a witness. lol.
I told him that let him not think that I have forgotten or forgiven
I must buy a property in my own name before I do joint investment with him.
Granted it was only his money but I felt that since we were married, my name should have been included.
Anyways we move
Dear Poster,
ReplyDeleteYou already understand the assignment so going forward SAVE EVERYTHING YOU CAN.
I can't say you are selfish because we are all humans and we react when hurt.
Poster I don't know you but I am taking this so personal like I am talking to my sister. Don't contribute a dime to that household. You didn't state if you have kids because your husband reasons for sidelining you may be because you don't have kids for him and he wants the properties to go back to his family or he fears that if you peradventure divorce him, you will have upper hand in claiming the properties especially if your name is in the documents.
ReplyDeleteGoing forward, save every penny of your income and give yourself the future you deserve. Let him care for his siblings staying with him that is none of your business
(I posted this under SP but will bring it here again).
ReplyDeleteMy dear, I understand how you feel. This will be a long read.
For the fact that he excluded your name even when you dropped some of the down payment is sad. The mistake you made was going with "you were not working at that time." You two could have waited until you finish your studies and started working.
My hubby wanted us to buy a house immediately we moved here but I said no, let me finish my studies and start working. Some men do this, they give their wives same reason. I advise women not to agree to this because some, not all men, would use this as an excuse not to include your name is suspicious.
However, don't assume that you have no rights because the house is only in your husband’s name. I hope the two of you are legally married because in some countries, being married can give a spouse certain rights when it comes to family property, especially if the home was bought during the marriage. Legally, you have got nothing to be scared of. You should make sure you keep records of any money you put toward the house, like the gift, down payment, mortgage, renovations, or other major expenses. By the grace of God, you two will acquire more properties but henceforth, both names should be on the papers.
I would also suggest that you understand any papers you sign and, if you feel unsure, you can get your own legal advice. It’s just about making sure that you are protected and clear about your rights. Don't let this affect your peace, but still, be wise and save, save, SAVE!!!
I hope this helps
@Poster, I felt a huge relief when I read that the house you newly bought is in the diaspora. I will give you an example: in Canada, it generally does not matter whether your name is on the title or not. If you are legally married, the home was purchased during the marriage, and it is the family home where you both reside, you have 100% rights and your husband will not be able to make major decisions about that property without your involvement.
ReplyDeleteFor the Abuja property that was transferred to his mother, I strongly advise you to seek legal advice on what options you have. It is not a small issue for a married person to transfer a major asset to someone else, especially when their spouse was expecting to be included. Do not pretend you are okay with it if you are not. Have a calm conversation with your husband after you understand your legal position.
Regarding you@Poster, I felt a huge relief when I read that the house you newly bought is in the diaspora. I will give you an example: in Canada, it generally does not matter whether your name is on the title or not. If you are legally married, the home was purchased during the marriage, and it is the family home where you both reside, you have 100% rights and your husband will not be able to make major decisions about that property without your involvement.
For the Abuja property that was transferred to his mother, I strongly advise you to seek legal advice on what options you have. It is not a small issue for a married person to transfer a major asset to someone else, especially when their spouse was expecting to be included. Do not pretend you are okay with it if you are not. Have a calm conversation with your husband after you understand your legal position.
Regarding your salary and household expenses, I understand why you feel hurt, but I would not advise completely withdrawing. Do what you can, even if it is something small like contributing towards groceries, utilities, or other basic needs. This is not about ignoring what happened; it is about protecting your own peace and the future of your family. The bigger conversation is about trust, fairness, and ensuring that both of you feel like equal partners moving forward.r salary and household expenses, I understand why you feel hurt, but I would not advise completely withdrawing. Do what you can, even if it is something small like contributing towards groceries, utilities, or other basic needs. This is not about ignoring what happened; it is about protecting your own peace and the future of your family. The bigger conversation is about trust, fairness, and ensuring that both of you feel like equal partners moving forward.