''I am the poster of yesterday's (Thursday) chronicle.
Thank you Stella for posting.
Thank you beevees for your responses.
To start with, I'm not afraid to talk to my husband; we talk freely. I know the type of mindset he has, and I know that if I openly tell him to be giving me cash instead of gifts, he will shutdown and stop giving completely that's why I'm asking for advice. There is also no polygamy, we are in love and we're each other's one and only.
He is not as wealthy as you guys were insinuating but he is trying. He is aware of my business issues, he gives me business advice and he has bailed my business out several times.
He even gave me money to go into new businesses. He also has his own business challenges he faces but he is doing so much better than me, I don't know maybe business is not my destiny. So you see my people, I definitely can't use business as my excuse to ask for the gifts to be converted to cash.
Also the advice to sell the gifts he gives me won't work because he would be very disappointed and offended if he finds out, and he will definitely find out because he remembers the things he buys for me. Like if for instance we receive an invitation to go for an event and maybe the colour of the day is like green, when we are discussing about how we would dress, he will say something like "babe you can even top up your attire with that green watch I bought for you last year".
He admires those gifts on me when I use them. Selling them is out of the question.
I like to be financially independent, to have my own money and not keep asking. I believe that an adult (male or female) should be able to take care of small things like their personal hygiene without waiting for another person first, so I usually buy my own soaps, pads, etc. But sometimes when things get too tight for me I will be forced to ask him for money for my toiletries and he will give me just enough money for the items I want to buy. I don't like the feeling this gives me, it makes me feel like I'm a child again.
He is the type of person that only gives you cash for specified reasons - things that must be done, something like "take this money and make your hair" or "add this money to your business" or "have this money for your medical test" and he will give you just enough for meet that particular need. I just wish he could just be dashing me money not tied to any specific thing - I mean free money I can keep in my account.
The anon that suggested that I should be dropping small small cash for him with love notes so that he can start reciprocating. I like this advice and I will try it. Thank you.
The anon that suggested that I should be dropping small small cash for him with love notes so that he can start reciprocating. I like this advice and I will try it. Thank you.
Hmmmm, if you drop small small cash he will think you have too much money from your business and will not reciprocate...Just tell your hubby to be dashing you money from time to time..I do it too....
Nope Stella he won't stop, rather he will see it as his love being reciprocated and he will do more. Men like challenges so that is a way to challenge him. Poster's husband is already a giver that is one way he expresses his love by giving items. Poster is just teaching him other ways of giving. Your advice would only work if he is not a giver already.
ReplyDeleteWith this, he will see it that, even though her wife has little, she still thinks of him and shares her little with him; It builds trust. It will surprise you he will even start putting his money in her account for safe keeping.
Moreover Poster can stop if she sees no changes, she can only know the result if she tries.
I don't know what else you want us to tell you.
DeleteYou asked us.and you know the answer.
Poster your oga does not like giving you cash and you want to be dropping small small cash for him thinking he will do more. I think you should listen to Stella. I think you will be setting yourself up for a huge disappointment. He may even stop the gifts, telling himself that you are bloated with cash and for a man, you could be touching his ego negatively. Why do I say this? From your narrative, I glean that your husband not giving you cash has nothing to do with you or what you do but something deep seated in him, that has convinced him that giving a woman too much money is a big no. Until something causes him to change this mindset he will continue like that no matter what you do. I can give you plenty reasons some men think this way but I don't want to put ideas in your head that are mere assumptions. Though I will state a few.
DeleteI guess also that you didn't have this talk of finances and what you would prefer before marriage to your husband. I suspect your husband partially married you because you have a business. I think he doesn't want a woman dependent on him financially, neither does he want a woman too financially independent. I think deep down you may know this.
Like Stella said, talk to him about it. Start by asking him why he doesn't like to give you money. Don't ask him provocatively. Like BV Martins said in your first post, be soft about it. I wish you the best and please update us. I think your husband is a good man. There are men that neither give you cash or gifts. They enjoy watching you suffer and mock and abuse you on top, so I still applaud your husband. Your husband may actually need some counseling to change his mindset. The puzzle will be how best to get him to get counseling because he sees nothing wrong with his stance. I think you are a good woman also. This kind of thing has broken many marriages because some women will not put up with it, because they know they have options.
Madam please go and hide and stop covering up for nonsense. Nobody asked you to tell him to give you cash instead of gifts. Deal with your problems and leave innocent Bvs alone since you can't use your tongue and count your teeth. If he's not giving you his cash then it simply means he's giving another babe out there who ASKS. 😡😡😡
ReplyDeleteMechie onu biko ,how did you know
DeleteAmebo😙
Chim o,🙄
DeletePoster don't allow this wicked anon put ideas into your head, this is how problems are created where there is none.
Follow Martin's idea from yersterday and still ask him. Even if he doesn't give you immediately, atleast he may make plans towards it.
Anon could be right. But I hope her husband is different. Some men can only spend money on their 'spec' of women. Such women need not open their mouths to ask for a penny and the cash rolls out and not just cash but care and emotional investment. They marry a woman they perceive will be a good mother and wife and create a stable home. For some reason, they can't marry their spec, but keep them on the side and make sure they are happy so they can enjoy the best of both worlds, but of course there will be cracks in the marriage because the wife will feel the deficit. Madam poster, Ayam not talking about you ooo. This kind of thing has also broken many marriages.
DeleteJust say you lack financial discipline and management.
ReplyDeleteHe provides for all your needs down to your toiletries, gives you money to boost your business and still your business struggle financially.
You said he has his own financial challenges in business, but you don't care, because all you want is for him to give money to waste.
Fix your business and spend your own money.
Some men dey marry shaa.
This is another angle.
DeleteEeii how did you come to this wild conclusions? You think business survives only on financial discipline? See how aggressive you spoke like you are a saint. Learn to swallow your words especially when you can't find the kind words.
DeleteSimple,she lacks financial deceipline and
Deletemanagement@anon 15:47
Lucks falls to the people that can't handle it well mana yadiba
Poster stop that mindset now,those that business favor abi destiny did they have 10 heads or what 🙄biko go and work on yaself pray for God to give you divine wisdom inugo .
What some men cannot understand is that no matter how rich or not their wives may be, they still enjoy spending their husband's money. If you have such a wife and you don't give her money, you are not helping the marriage at all. Slowly you will be building resentment and things begin to go downhill from there...........
DeleteI wish you well in whatever path you take.
ReplyDeleteHmm. It sounds like he is a financially disciplined man. He does not sound stingy. You need to find a business that does not require much financial injection and is cheap to run. If he has bailed you out several times, then it may be time to admit defeat. You write well. You could become a ghost writer, a social media manager etc. Buying and selling is not the only business there is.
ReplyDeleteSure she is marrying a a good man jaree,no mind her
DeleteOf course there are so many ways to make money nah
Anty poster,hit your hand or your head something will come out, madam you must make your own money oo hmm🧐
Allow your sweetie to breathe😅
Madam u r not serious, n i pray u dnt ruin what you have. Truly, when men insult women and say women dnt even know what they want, this is what they mean. Lemme ask you, was ur father giving you money anyhow just to keep in ur account? You said he gives you money for everything u ask for, but u still want him to be dashing you money anyhow even when there is no purpose for it. Does he steal his money or does he pluck his money from trees? Why do women put unrealistic expectation on their husband even down to things that even their own fathers couldn’t do for them??? Haba.
ReplyDeleteYou may not get it and it may not even be the case here, but precisely how a woman grows up and was treated by her parents affects how she relates with her husband. Some fathers neglected their daughters and this affected them in later life.
DeleteIt looks like you not financially discipline or not committed to your business. Do you prefer housewife role or look for a salary paying job.
ReplyDeleteShe will definitely suffer as a housewife and her husband could lose his attraction for her. She can't survive on gifts as a housewife. Her hubby may no longer feel she is worth the gifts as a housewife.
DeleteJust keep uploading on your status how much you love money. There are a lot of playful videos on that.
ReplyDeleteHe Dey give you money for business and he has bailed you out several times, buys you gifts but you want him to be giving you cash.. which cash again Abi wetin women really want gan gan. When a man gives you money for business and bails your business out several times, it is because he wants you to have your own money. That kind of man is buying you gifts but you still want him to be giving you cash instead of buying you gift. God forbid this kind of wife o. You know you are overdoing that’s why you are afraid to ask for cash. Tueh
ReplyDeleteYou’re blaming yourself too much
ReplyDeleteHmmm. Better be thanking your God. See all the things you listed your husband does for you. Some of us don't see it. I for example, I can tell you I have a good husband ,my marriage is good and peaceful but what if I tell you that in almost 20 years there's nothing like oh my wife take money to make hair, birthday gifts etc. I can't point to anything as a gift from my husband. Yet I can say he's a good man. He does his best to take care of the home. I've accepted that's just him, I don't even know if I can refer to him as stingy but he just doesn't know how to do stuff like that and I've accepted him that way. Moreover i love that I can take care of my personal petty needs.
ReplyDeleteSo what I'm saying is that man is trying, try work on yourself and business so you won't be feeling bad he's not giving you extra cash.
Hello Poster,
ReplyDeletePermit me to suggest that you may have unknowingly married a man who gives through control, but does not neglect his responsibilities and obligations. Who is not ungenerous or unloving. But expresses care through responsibility, oversight, and tangible provision. Who is most comfortable when money has a defined purpose, a clear boundary, and a visible outcome.
A structured, control-oriented provider. To him, gifts feel safer because they are concrete, bounded, and finished. Cash feels open-ended. Giving makes him uneasy because it removes the structure he is used to and invites uncertainty. So he equates financial order with safety and maturity. Which makes him give only from a place of duty and foresight, not on impulse or for emotional display. Rigid, yes. But ever reliable.
As it is, you see him as someone generous with gifts but stingy with cash. That's your mistake - it is neither. Sadly, that's why you seem helpless, nothing has worked, which is the core subtle tension in your beautiful marriage - only within yourself.
The issue is how he thinks other people manage anxiety around money, autonomy, and self-worth. He protects himself by tying money to purpose. From your update, it shows that you protect yourself by wanting untied access, however little, because dependence on him bruises your sense of adulthood.
While you have complained about maybe not being a good fit for business, you didn't say if he didn’t want you working outside of business. That angle would have helped further. Yet, you didn’t show accountability for the few businesses you managed.
But the solution you need is not in hints, or whatsoever - he'll resist such ambiguity and probably with subtle resentments too. Rather work with his structure, not against it. Make your need specific, bounded, and predictable. Stop asking for “free money”, it challenges his gift-giving orientation.
Instead, agree explicitly on a modest, fixed personal allowance that sits outside business, emergencies, or gifts - a fixed personal allowance or small, recurring funds for discretionary use. Call it household structure, not help - just find a name for it. Predictable, boring, non-emotional.
Timing matters too - present it calmly, when he’s relaxed, without tying it to frustration or entitlement. Be your jovial self. Keep the ask modest, clear, and non-negotiable: structure appeals best to him; he probably dislikes and distrusts vagueness.
That is how I think your uneasiness will fall into his need for order, and your need for a little handy money. Anything else you try, may likely keep him circling you with the same quiet bitterness he has for giving money, politely. That's how to stay married to a conscientious provider who values control over flexibility.
nice comment, well thought, but imagine thinking so deep on someone elese funds? I blame the country for not having enough job opportunities
DeleteI wish you'd channel all this talk to having a real conversation with your husband about what you want
ReplyDelete@Ebony Oge, you surmised it quite well. A central theme in your write up was "control" There are some people who will not give you money for its sake. Any money given has a purpose , be visible and must be accounted for. The fact that you are "in business" that he helps fund from time to time and still have to look to him for money for your personal needs is funny and could speak to a lack of discipline or focus on your part. Someone wondered why you cant get a job since it seems business is not for you or could it be he doesn't want you in a 9-5 hence his constant bailing out your businesses. Coming from my own life, i will say that you are blessed . Some of us are not so lucky and are even the breadwinners. Our anomaly does not make it acceptable or mean you should expect less. Each of us is carrying a certain type of cross. At times its difficult to put everything /nuance on paper nor explain the total dynamic of the situation. Have the conversation in the way advised by SIsi Oge. Finally you know him and will know when and how to go about it. To some BVs here, lets learn to nuance our opinions or advice when people drop chronicles. A lot of people form knowledge and superman/woman on other peoples matter yet if there's was to be made into a chronicle, you would be amazed.
ReplyDelete