Hmmmmm......
SAD
My thirty-two year old son got divorced last year. I and his Dad were so worried for him on how he would navigate being single.
He has a four year old daughter who he dotes on.
Our fear for him stemms from childhood. He rarely talked and looked up to his siblings for support.
He married a lady he loves so much and I believe, transferred that love to her.
She cited irreconcilable differences as reason for divorce at the court. Would you believe he defended himself at the divorce proceedings and won custody of his daughter.
After the divorce, he changed and rarely talks to anybody except his daughter, whom he got a nanny for. Now his face and features hardened as if he grew up overnight.
Someone his father and I can call anytime, we are even scared to talk to him anytime he pays us a courtesy call, same with his siblings.
We think the divorce changed him but we are at a loss on how we can help him. Anytime I think about him, sadness overwhelm me...
You are scared of your son? Pikin wey you carry for nine months?You dont communicate with him verbally? what about emotionally? when did you give him a hug last?Why not start from that? The next time he comes visitng,give him a hug....
take him into the room and tell him he can talk to you...tell him that you are his mum and are there for him...His hardened face is from hurting...I am sure he cries to sleep most nights
You can also help him by getting close to his daughter and allowing her visit with her Nanny and stay over.
People like him end up transferring the love he had for his wife to his daughter...So i hope that he wont start abusing her?I am not saying that he is doing so or will do so........
Sow him love and watch him break down and open up.
You better draw him close before he kpai himself
ReplyDeleteIf he loved his wife, why the divorce then?
ReplyDeleteDid you read? His wife filed and the reason is irreconcilable difference. He granted it. If she wanted out, there was no way to force her to stay.
DeleteHe just started life. Let him be, he will navigate life thick,thin,happy or unhappy. Remember, it's his life and not yours.
ReplyDeleteStella I have seen parents that are legit scared of their kids right from even when they were small.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about this. Your son loved hard. And doesn't understand why the marriage ended and with someone he obviously loved.
ReplyDeleteEncourage him to come around but don't push him to talk. Just make sure you are around him alot. Plan small events and outings around him.
Sand like SDK said tell him, you are there for him when he is ready to talk. And when he does just let him talk. Don't ask too many questions or lead him. just let him.
The Bible says love is as strong as death. So yes, he suffered a kind of death that's why he is numb and is grieving his loss. Visit him too and spend time with home and his daughter.
He has Trauma. And with Trauma you have to be careful what you do around a loved one.
Don't forget a heart wound has the same characteristics as a psychological wound. It is painful, if not treated can attract flies and infection. A Traumatised person will act in a certain way, withdrawn, that's when some people abuse substance amongst other things. Pls keep a close watch on him.
His brothers or sisters can go spend time with him as well.
He is broken, show more love towards him and his daughter. I pray God heal his broken heart and make him find genuine love and peace again.
ReplyDeletewell, let him know that God will still bless him with his own woman. That woman wasn't meant for him. If he dies from heartbreak, na him loss ooo. He should better brace up because the future is great and he will still look back and laugh.
ReplyDeleteThe statistics say that men suffer more emotionally after a divorce and women suffer more financially. There are no winners when a family breaks apart. A good son or father does not automatically make a good husband. Yes, the hardened face is a reflection of his soul.
ReplyDeleteWhile it is expected that he is saddened from the experience, I do not like that he is becoming a recluse. It’s not good for him or the daughter. Tell him your fears plainly, tell him you are concerned. Some ppl view divorce as a great failure, especially if they are the only one in the family who is divorced. Remind him that life happens to the best of us and one variable we have no control over is what someone else thinks or does, no matter how close we are to them. Remind him of his loving and supportive family who will always be there for him and who needs him to be around because nothing is the same without him there. Tell him none of you view him as broken or tainted and there is nothing for him to be ashamed about. At 32 he has a whole lot of living to do and happy memories to make so to come out and live and make those memories.
Try visiting and spending few days with him and his daughter. You can watch movies together at home, eat together and assure him that everything will be fine. Let him get another babe for distraction even if he isn't ready for another relationship.
ReplyDeleteHe is really going through it… I pray he heals so fast and move on with his life.
ReplyDeleteIs his tin small
ReplyDeleteThe change you noticed after the divorce may not mean he no longer loves his family. Sometimes people who are hurt become more withdrawn, serious, or emotionally guarded because they are trying to stay strong and avoid further pain. Winning custody of his daughter and taking responsibility for her care also probably forced him into a more hardened “survival” mode very quickly.
ReplyDeleteSometimes pain changes people quietly. Your son may not know how to express what the divorce did to him, so he has become more withdrawn and guarded. But from what you shared, he is still showing strength, at least he fought for his daughter, cares for her deeply, and is trying to keep life together. Don’t see him as broken. He may just be healing differently.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing you and his father can do now is to love him without pressure. Call him, check on him gently, spend time with him normally, and avoid bringing up the divorce or worrying over him openly. Let him feel safe, respected, and supported. With time, patience, and love, many people slowly find themselves again.
Ma, your son is hurt and broken. Some people, especially naturally quiet people, respond to deep pain by becoming guarded and emotionally self-contained. The divorce likely forced him to grow up emotionally very fast.
ReplyDeleteThe good thing is that he still functions, cares for his daughter, carries responsibility etc. That matters a lot. If it was the other way round, I'd have suggested keeping an eye on him.
Try not to approach him with too much fear or pity, because he may withdraw even more. Instead, be as normal as you can around him, give him steady love, normal conversations, peace, and quiet support without pressuring him to open up .I'm sure he'll come around cos time heals.
You can't sit on the fence when it involves your child.
ReplyDeleteHe is going through emotional trauma and you should find means to help him.