DOGS Corner

Recently, over a phone call with the ex-wife of a close friend, I asked her why she made up her mind to leave after tolerating a cheating spouse for 11 years. She left, lost everything...her time, her years, her efforts, emotions and children. She is practically starting life afresh as it is. There was something she said however, that struck me deeply. Working away really isn't an option for many until it becomes the only option.

This is something that doesn't really get addressed much. He cheated and you are aware. She cheated, you got to know. It gnaws deep into your soul, hollowing you out. It breaks you, makes you an empty husk of your former self. But you can't leave. You can't walk away. Not because you really can't but because it isn't an option immediately available for you. Worse, you can't explain to anyone why you are staying.

I'm not meaning to touch many nerves this afternoon. I'm just trying to shed light on the deepest of pains a good number of folks have felt but can find no let for expression. That pain remains very deeply embedded and yet a constant part of your inner monologue. You are hurting in ways no one can see. No one can understand. If it only stopped at just hurting, It’d be manageable. But this cuts so deep and makes you doubt your own identity. Makes you question yourself.

"Did I in anyway cause this?" You find yourself asking. Deep within you know you didn't but you aren't too sure. Days become weeks, weeks become months, months become years... but the pain stays fresh. Just like yesterday.

You gave him/her your all. They were your everything and you thought or hoped you were theirs too and maybe at some point, they showed you that you were but all that is gone. Only one thought keeps ringing in your mind.

"How could you do this to us?"
You never got an answer because there is none really. Not that an answer would have helped. Nothing will be enough to cover the disappointment someone you trusted so much, put everything you hold dearly at risk without a thought or consideration.

You remember the promises, the vows, the visions you shared to build your home, the future you hoped to build together and you get the sinking feeling in your stomach. All that meant a lot to you and still does but it tears you apart that they never placed the same importance on them as you did. You were walking alone, loving alone, caring alone, standing by vows, promises and sworn commitment to fidelity alone. The realization of the betrayal stabs you repeatedly without let.

I’m here this afternoon to tell you there is life after dealing with a cheating partner. And the course of that life is entirely in your hands. Yes, their cheating may have caused you self-doubt but it hasn’t taken the power of agency from you. The power to choose you, choose happiness and set the course of your life. They didn’t cheat because of anything you did or didn’t do. They cheated because that’s who they are. Know this here and now though, if they cheated before, they’ll probably still cheat again. But that’s not on you.

The apologies and promises that it wouldn’t happen again became irritating and that’s even if they bothered with that. You have chosen to stay inspite of them. You stayed not because you believed them. Not because your trust in them has been renewed. You stay because you have not given up on the life and future you planned to build together. You stay because a flame for them still burns in your heart. All that is fine.

Whatever you do though, make sure you don’t become a casualty of their actions. If they need access, let them earn it. If they still desire to be a part of your life, let them prove it. Contrition must be genuine and filled with positive intent. Keep your heart guarded, your emotions and affections shielded and let them see that access to you stopped being a right for them. You have borne the hurt and suffered enough. It is time to begin mirroring back the same level of efforts, commitment and involvement they show you. Your sanity demands it.

Remember though, the power to walk away lies with you and you can exercise that at any time. Your future self will be thankful you did. My friends ex-wife did finally and she wished she had done it sooner.