These are stories that will leave you shocked.open mouth and in tears...
I decided to open another Domestic violence diary to enable those who kept diaries during their ordeal share it here.
Please let us respect this post and know that this is coming from those who have been battered but pulled through and are sharing their experiences to help others.
You can sit back and read as this would be updated daily by ladies who choose to stay anonymous but want to share.
A lady who is going through daily beatings by her hubby wanted to contribute and share her experience but called me to say she couldnt because her spouse/abuser has told her if she contributes he will know ..............
The first post will be from MS KAY(name changed) and if you have any please give urself a code name and contribute but please avoid using anonymous so that we can know when you update a new comment.
Thank you...... hopefully this post will help someone out there make the right decisions before it is too late.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A CRIME......STOP IT
I WILL NOT BE ENABLING COMMENTS THAT ARE OUT OF TOPIC
My dear, b smart. u're holding ur head up cause u're married. But u're no better than his girlfriends cause u can b sure that he does not beat them wv wires. They're enjoying his money and u're claiming wife. u don't hve kids and after just a few months u have not really invested much in the marriage. Stop worrying about what people will say. u will surely, surely, surely, surely, surely, surely regret it if u stay wv this crazy, stingy, violent man. Please understand that u will marry again. I left my tall, handsome, quiet but psycho husband of 4 years. I fantasize daily about going back to 5 years ago and rejecting his advances. Such wasted years. I'm 38 and I know that I will marry again.
ReplyDeleteYou will b surprised many of them dont do anything to deserve such ill-treatment. Did i just say "them"? Twas an error cos i also walked out of an abusive marriage. I am a good christain/moralist/slash anythn u can name it
ReplyDeleteI got married as a virgin cos i was determined to make my husband a very happy one. Pple respect my person including my parents...to cut d'story of who i am short.barely two months into d'marriage,d'man i planned to try everythn within my ability to make one of d'happiest in d'world started it all...exhibited almost all d'forms of abuse u can think of including ensuring he does DNA test for every child i deliver,tellin me i sleep around like a dog all bcos i was trying to adjust to sex life wit him bcos i was a total novice.....i cant even mention some stuffs here but where exactly av gone wrong i find it difficult to pinpoint,beside tryin to adjust which av assured him wil b gradual. If i were to b dealing wit a nonentity its a different thing,but am talking about a medical doctor.....i was loosing everything,my self confidence as a med doc too was wiped off,....when a man is a mere child,no matter what you do to make them happy will b forfeited. GOD's reward is still with GOD!
ReplyDeleteStill putting my stories together....wow it's been a journey!
ReplyDeleteOne little advise to the ones planning to get married soon: Look Before you leap....look very well n don't deceive urself or ignore the obvious. Did I say little advise? Sorry I meant to say HUGE advise!
Sometimes, when I read comments from ladies, it pains my heart. The image that is being created is that all men are women beaters. I'm sorry to disappoint you ladies but it isn't so. I grew up in a household where my Dad never raised his hands against his wife and my siblings and I were brought up in that way. The last time I raised my hand against a female was when I was 10years. I have been married for 5 years and counting and I know I wouldn't raise my hand against my beloved wife. Of course, marriage isn't perfect. So while there are abusive men (and women!), there are men who would never opt for violence. That, I can assure you.
ReplyDeleteNo one said ALL MEN....
ReplyDeleteMy dear,pray,pray and pray even more for open doors.get a job or start a business.when ure earning something with it comes self worth&more confidence.u can stand up to d idiot&call his bluff.
ReplyDeleteAre you OK at all? Oh God..I just can't shout! I feel like pulling my hair..Ha! Do you not know that she was trying to save her marriage? Do you not know that abusers have a mental control over their partners? Like is this news to you??? It might not make sense to you, but please think well and do your research well before talking anyhow.. God! SDK I tire oo
ReplyDeleteI am a victim of dv and I blame myself daily cos like others have said,they always show you a sign.in my case I got slapped over a slight misunderstanding when preparing for the wedding.it was on the road in the car though and I came Out of the car and all and he came down rough handled me and insisted I followed him.we had done our introduction already and he kept insisting we must go back to our parents to settle the matter since I told him there and then that the wedding was called off.I cried my eyes out and at the time i was ready to move on.i couldn't believe it,am a child adored by my parents.he came back to beg and cried and of course blamed the devil and promised it would never repeat itself. In my childishness,all I could think of was the fact that the wedding cards were out,I had done my introduction ceremony and As at the time announcements were being made in church.ALso I didn't want to embarrass my parents.if I had known,I should have walked out then.I have been physically beaten twice after my wedding,I have been married for a litle over two years.one of the times I was beaten I was very very heavy with child. But as far as verbal abuse goes that happens every other day.I agree with the fact that these men who beat women have a complex and most times believe by abusing you in whatever form they can succeed in making you lose your self esteem.I think the reason I have not been beaten lately is because I got my family involved although only recently in a trivial disagreement he threatened to disfigure my face.right now I have no single emotional attachment to my spouse,with every single verbal abuse I develop more and more hatred for him till the point that I wish him ill in my mind and later beg god for repentance.I am ready to move and start my life afresh,with no man in the picture of course but am afraid of what a divorce would do to my parents and daughter.I have a job so supporting my child isn't an issue.but I feel like a failure but my greatest pain is that I didn't want to marry this man but was persuaded by all and sundry.he is fake and a charmer and knows how to warm his way into peoples hearts.I am just 26 yet I feel so old and drained.young gals out there if on the wedding day you don't feel like getting married,it's not too late people would talk and that's not new.if you don't really feel like marrying someone do not let any one talk you into it no matter how good their intentions for you are cos at the end if the day,you and you alone would live with the monster you marry.
ReplyDeleteJealousy
ReplyDeleteAt the start of the relationship, an abuser will equate jealously with love. The abuser will question the victim about who the victim talks to, accuse the victim of flirting, or become jealous of time spent with others. The abuser may call the victim frequently during the day, drop by unexpectedly, refuse to let the victim work, check the car mileage, or ask friends to watch the victim.
Controlling behavior
In the beginning an abuser will attribute controlling behavior to concern for the victim (for example, the victim's safety or decision-making skills). As this behavior progresses the situation will worsen, and the abuser may assume all control of finances or prevent the victim from coming and going freely.
Quick involvement
A victim often has known or dated the abuser for a brief period of time before getting engaged or living together. The abuser will pressure the victim to commit to the relationship. A victim may be made to feel guilty for wanting to slow the pace or end the relationship.
Unrealistic expectations
An abuser expects the victim to meet all of the abuser's needs, to take care of everything emotionally and domestically.
Isolation
An abuser will attempt to isolate the victim by severing the victim's ties to outside support and resources. The batterer will accuse the victim's friends and family of being "trouble makers." The abuser may block the victim's access to use of a vehicle, work, or telephone service in the home.
Blames others for problems
An abuser will blame others for all problems or for the abuser's own shortcomings. Someone is always out to get the abuser or is an obstacle to the abuser's achievements. The victim or potential victim will be blamed for almost anything.
Blames others for feelings
An abuser will use feelings to manipulate the victim. Common phrases to look for: "You're hurting me by not doing what I want." "You control how I feel."
Hypersensitivity
An abusive person is easily insulted, perceiving the slightest setbacks as personal attacks.
Cruelty to animals or children
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. The abuser may expect children to perform beyond their capability (for example whipping a two-year-old for wetting a diaper or teasing children or siblings until they cry).
"Playful" use of force in sex
This behavior includes restraining partners against their will during sex, acting out fantasies in which the partner is helpless, initiating sex when the partner is asleep, or demanding sex when the partner is ill or tired. The abuser may show little concern for his partner's wishes and will use sulking and anger to manipulate compliance.
Verbal abuse
This behavior involves saying things that are intended to be cruel and hurtful, cursing or degrading the victim, or putting down the victim's accomplishments.
Rigid sex roles
The victim, almost always a woman, will be expected to serve. For instance, a male abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
Dual personality "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"
Explosive behavior and moodiness, which can shift quickly to congeniality, are typical of people who beat their partners.
Past battering
An abuser will beat any partner if the individual is involved with the abuser long enough for the cycle of abuse to begin. Circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.
Threats of violence
This consists of any threat of physical force meant to control the partner. Most people do not threaten their mates but an abuser will excuse this behavior by claiming "everyone talks like that."
Breaking or striking objects
This behavior is used as punishment (breaking sentimental possessions) or to terrorize the victim into submission.
Any force during an argument
If I share my friends experiences,una go pick race.....ladies marriage is nt a do or die affair I beg
ReplyDeleteBrother IBE, I have refrained from making corrections on this particular post because it's been an emotional torture of sorts for me reading through, please don't make this more difficult. #walks away in tears#
ReplyDeleteAwww BBC... I totally agree with you strongly on this. As much as I enjoy reading your corrections and the fun in all of it, I of course do not expect you to come on this post and do that... This right here is too deep, emotional and personal for anyone to come pry or act smart on others' grammatical error. I am a fan of yours and i do appreciate your thoughtfulness in this. God Bless You! This is my first comment on this trend... #SOMUCHTOLEARN#
ReplyDelete@BUSYBODY CORRECTER, I was about to go off on you but I went back to check IBE's comment!! Lol.........please ehnnnn I beg you. Don't make any corrections on this particular post. If its another topic, I got your back. Let this one slide.....thank you. Stella God bless you again for bringing up this domestic violence topic.
ReplyDeleteMaybe that's her fetish.. Or she probably has a psychological problem..
ReplyDeletePLS Stella y is it that I can't upload more of the comments when I press load more. I'm really interested in this topic and I ve dedicated my time to it ever since you started, I ve my own story to share too
ReplyDeleteI recently turned 34. Of course trust I am under pressure all day e'ry day to get married. I met this young man. From day one he started talking marriage, blood group, how many kids etc etc (you know how they can pretend like they will marry you tmr tmr!) Anyhoo I noticed he was EXTREMELY jealous, possesive and commented about my dressing, makeup etc, going out etc! He would always pick a fight when ever I go out. Infact I had to let him know that, Bros look, before you came i've always been a social butterfly. If you don't like it scram. This guy was so verbally abusive, one day he said instead of blowing him a kiss I made a face at him. Then he decided to 'break up' with me. This guy doesn't even have his ish together, no real job, nothing, just doing fine boy around town. I left him to his antics cos I wasn't feeling him anymore and I knew I wasn't going to marry him. Infact he 'reported' me to a mutual friend, that I was always talking about marriage (lets not even go there) On his birthday he was the one who called and started harrassing me! We reconciled but I said we cannot marry simple. So he thinks being charming and all will work, NEVER! I made up my mind already. So recently, I was chewing GUM, and he said why am I chewing gum, that i'm showing him parts of me he didn't see before I didn't wait for him to finish the statement, I asked him 3 questions. 1. ARE YOU CRAZY? 2. ARE YOU ON CRACK? 3. ARE YOU MADDDT??? And like all bullies, he could not say JACK! Bottomline is that i've recognized traces of DV in him even without him laying a hand on me, and I can NEVER marry him. Ladies, the signs are there beforehand, if you are talking with a man and he bangs the door in your face...RUN, if you are dating a man and he cannot drive his point across without pointing his hands in your eyes RUN! A word is enough for the wise
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteTHE WOMAN AT THE WELL ....
what a life she must have led.... What loneliness she must have felt....what gossips her ears beheld.... She had violated all the laws... Gone against all the rules in the book....
How...oh how she must have felt...how..I wonder her children too must feel...if there had been a school they would have been tormented ...'who is your father'....so much taunting... So much wickedness... None would have shown compassion.... None would have pitied her....women would have started avoiding her....oh woe betide the husband that so much steals a glance at her.... Yet.... MY LORD...... You knew......
You knew Lord.... You left the normal route you would normally take ....you excused yourself from the crowd......for her who had left the crowd.... You needed to be there for her... You knew that she needed someone to talk to....
And, MY LORD...you waited.....at the well for her who needed a friend...you showed up...for her....for me....you came when she needed you ......suddenly the loneliness left her......this wonderful blue eyed stranger had just come in from.......
Lord I am that woman at the well..... I needed you and you told me today that YOU are waiting .....for me.....to call on YOU.....you told me that you will not condemn me .....that in-spite of the crowd....in-spite of YOURSELF......YOU NEED ME...and you will help me....I am here Lord.....to drink from your well...I am here away from the loneliness...away from the abuse....segregation....the HURT.....CURSES.....BEATINGS..... I AM COMING TO THE WELL. Knowing that you were there for that woman.....you were there also for that adulterous woman....you helped her.....YOU will be here for me and YOU will help me....THANK YOU
haaaa. please dont have a child for him. tell your family members and leave now!
ReplyDeleteLEAVING .....PART ONE
ReplyDelete24 sept 03
I hurt Lord!!!!....and I don't want to turn to anyone.... I want you near me Lord, I want your chest to weep on, I need your help Lord.....help me.... How do I get out of this despair.... The painkillers....Panadol...alabukun.....aspirin....etc have refused to help me......oh Lord...You said you are my husband, my lover, my friend...my confidant..... I don't want anybody else but you.......none of them understands how I feel.....no one understands the hurt.... I can't find anyone - except you.......talk to me.....
Why does this despair come whenever reconciliation is being talked about.....? Why do I go into panic attacks and begin to feel claustrophobic and just want to get out..... They say I have to forgive......you know that I have forgiven.....they say I have to forget....well I'm trying really hard to do just that.....and I think I am succeeding.....then the deep hurts comes....how can I relate it......it's like a child has a deep wound....he has wept and has been consoled .....the wound has been treated...mummy has kissed the pain away....he has been cuddled by daddy....then deep in the night the pain comes....throbbing away.....no one can take that pain away.....not the kisses and cuddles anymore....they just won't work....pain killers only work temporarily. The pain will always be there and then when it goes... The scars will be there..... Those.....never go away. They become reminders of the pain.....
Jesus went about showing His scars as proof of suffering for you and me...those scars are still on my Lord till today....Lord....what do I do about the pain...about the scars.....Jesus forgave even at the point of death.....but He carried the scars....I need you to help me...... I weep uncontrollably and i feel like just letting it all go.... I WANT TO CHOOSE FREEDOM LORD....and I can't do it alone....
I need you to HELP ME WALK INTO FREEDOM....help Lord.... I HURT
to be contd
Jesus christ is LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteGod is with you.
ReplyDeleteSome men need to go for special deliverance before they are allowed to mix up with women honestly, I ve Bn thru serious abuse with my first boyfriend and I ve a big scar on my lips to show for it but I thank God I was able to leave him after all
ReplyDeleteLEAVING 2
ReplyDelete21st dec 2005
To round up this year, these are my views : its been a wonderful year and I never knew it would be so; it's been a year of blessings and I never knew it will be so... It's been a year of great testimonies, great trials...big happenings and big let downs. YET...if God had given me the power to see the future, I don't think I would have seen all these occurrences. The Lord just had to show me that MY TIMES ARE IN HIS HANDS....He only knows tomorrow and as He gives us all things bright, beautiful, great and small, He ensures that none of us can see the big picture of our lives....... Stephen never knew he would be stoned to death...paul never knew he would suffer so much persecution...Pastor Bimbo never knew she would die...... The big picture is not ours to see....it's the Lords vision.
I also feel its time for stock taking.....actually I have been taking stock for a long while now.....especially stock regarding my marriage. You know something, this issue has been an issue for so long, I really feel its Time to STOP, THINK, PRAY and take action. My constant refrain is LORD I AM LONELY SEND HELP.
Loneliness is such a vague and impersonal way of describing how I feel....it's not personal enough......BUT I AM ALONE INTERNALLY and knowing that I find so much release in writing, I feel I should talk to myself through my writings.... I read somewhere that no one ever understands an abused woman's life as much as she herself. Analysts say only an abused woman can really explain what she is going through.....yes .... She may constantly complain about the situation in her marriage or relationship, she may exhibit certain actions that show that she is in an abusive relationship....her bruises may show that she is in a violent relationship, but she alone knows what to do about it and when to do what needs to be done..
In 19 Years of marriage I have been abused more than I have been loved......I have been beaten and slapped so many times, I feel like that very stubborn child whose mother is determined to flog him into his senses...I consistently go through various forms of disciplinary actions... I'm punished for every "wrong word", "wrong smile, wrong action" to the extent that everything I do now is WRONG.
LEAVING 2(contd)
ReplyDeleteWHy do I talk of"ME" me ....because in my situation, in our home, I'm the only one that goes through it all....my husband will beat me for an act committed by the children.... And then he will tell them he does not believe in flogging children.... And yes till today 18-19years..... I get the beating.... And he just TALKS to them....then berates me that I do not discipline the children enough....saying that a good mother should flog her children.....yet he doesn't....I am tired of it all.....and it's time. DARE I LEAVE....?
1. Yes I left for the first time around the 11th year..... I literarily ran and escaped abroad for 15 months..... In that time I flourished, I blossomed and got favour in unexpected places... I cut my hair...... (Freedom) and friends and family made sure I had enough .....everything I did went well... Went from being a "failure" to working for a top establishment... Most importantly I was free from all the wahala .... Then he came shouting, then threatening then begging..then sobbing...then .. Cajoling... And when that yielded nothing he used the children as a tool... He will call, put them on the phone and they would cry and cry and in the end I came back....... He promised everything will change.... Moved us to a new environment... Became the ideal person... Our house became a "home" again.....FOR A WHILE......
Lessons
Leaving an abused environment can get very complicated...especially if some indices are involved...could be ... Length of years, children, finances, fear of the unknown, fear of the person, fear of leaving the comfort zone, family pressure, .....etc.....
It cannot be sudden.... You will be like a fish out of water and may lead to costly errors....
Exiting must be the last option when all else fails.... And I always say that the victim will "KNOW" that the time has come to leave....may not yet know how to do it but will KNOW his or her instincts will KNOW when it's time
Until that "KNOWING" there is nothing anybody can do.... Yes we can all advise, shout and say LEAVE....for all we care....in some cases family will go and remove the victim... But until he or she decides on their own to leave all efforts may fail
Leaving can sometimes be fatal... Cases of the abuser going to look for,the victim abounds.
Leaving gets complicated when children are involved....
The last thing a victim should do when they do leave is to go into another relationship.....oh no.....no no no.... In fact it's the worse thing.... Your emotional state is still very tender.... You are still like a fish out of water and in most of the cases I know.... The 2nd relationship always is like the first.... Why.... You have not yet been SORTED... Emotionally and mentally..... You need to rebuild your esteem....which by now is at an all time low....and abusers will read you like a book within minutes of getting to know you.... And inadvertently you end up with a worst relationship....it's much better to actually go through the process of FINDING yourself....building what you lost , building your self esteem, knowing yourself...the old wonderful you...and if possible seek professional help....yes I said it....SEE A SHRINK!!.....
@anon 7:14,#190.The truth is that he doesnot give a frigging damn about you.He'll keep milking you(as a matter of fact,they call us their ATM at our back)dry and when he's done,he moves on to another woman.I said us because i've been there.When your supposed boyfriend of 4yrs,looks you in the face during a fight and tell you that you are not good looking enough to be seen with him.Yet,he asks you for money for everything.Then you lose your job,abd within 48 hours,yes 48 hours,he's out of your life.I have never posted any comment on thios blog but after reading your story,i had to warn you.Any man that makes endless financial demands from you,does not love he and truth be told,he's using your money to take care of another girl somewhere.Do your investigations well,you'll come back here and confirm this.
ReplyDeleteI'm sry,Xity but u must be a joker.If animals could type and comment,I'm sure a baboon would have made ur exact comment.I'm not usually insultive to people,but when u talk out of turn in this kind of situation,it just shows how incredibly low ur level of intelligence is.
ReplyDeleteI read these accounts of abuse and my heart goes out to all women facing any form of abuse. My Ex husband was my first love, everyone took it for granted that we would marry and we did get married....whilst dating for 6 years he never physically touched me but I always knew he had a temper but I foolishly thought that as long as he never hit me it was ok. Physically he may have seemed to be in control but he used emotional abuse to break me down, telling me that he was too good for me and how he only married me because I was a virgin...He was a chronic womaniser and would flaunt these relationships in my face but Like ,any other women I stupidly believed that once married it would stop.....The physical abuse started just after I had my first son. I was returning to work just a few months after having a CS birth but I had to, the bills were not getting paid and I could not feed my son even though he was getting paid a substantial salary. I found childcare and asked that he pay for it, it became a heated argument. He grabbed hold of my neck and just squeezed...The room got dark and I rememberlooking down at myself and thinking I was dead....He came to his senses and let me go and then cried his eyes out, promising never to touch me again....Instead he used verbal abuse and would not pay the bills.....I was forever borrowing money from friends and family, I felt ashamed of myself for letting him treat me like that but I did not want to admit I had made a mistake and grinned and bore it...After a while the physical beatings started again by then there were two kids and financially I could not afford to provide for me and the kids.....The turning point came one night, we had an argument over his failure to pay the rent...he lashed out at me and I saw red....I got a knife, I was going to kill him but as God would have it my brother turned up, he said he saw a coldness in my eyes and knew I would have stabbed my husband had he not arrived.....That was it, I planned my exit....I could not let my sons grow up thinking it was ok to hit women, I had lost who I was, I believed I was ugly because he told me so, I believed that no other man would want me, I believed that I was a failure....But I loved my sons more than life and I knew that no matter how messed up I had become I owed them a happy and safe environment to grow up with....AAnd then he said those words "You will never survive without me" I looked skyward and said "Lord give me my financial independence" and He answered. I got a new job that paid me more, I went for counselling, I found a house and with help through a government scheme I was able to buy it...I called my husband a few weeks before I was due to move out of our apartment and told him that I wanted a separation, he refused so I moved while he was out at work....we eventually divorced after 15 years of maarriage....I still bear the emotional scars and I have gone on to make other mistakes with my choice of men but I am growing stronger daily...My kids are my life now, having the peace of mind is better than being married, my life has value and my kids deserve to have a happy mother...Please don't let sentiments rule your head, if they hit once, they will hit again....the line has been crossed...If they verbally abuse you once, trust me it will continue...I hope you find the strenght to walk away.....I am a survivor of an abusive marriage.......B
ReplyDeleteThe difference between 24 and 28 might be huge, but for some people like me, at 28 I was still very naive despite having a solid career.
ReplyDeleteHeartbreaking posts! WHAT women go through! Wow!!!!
ReplyDeleteJust had to share this:
To the MEN:
"When u abuse the love a woman has for you just because you feel she can't do without you , you will only end up teaching her how to survive without You"
I see that in the stories of the survivors who walked away with their lives.
I hail you #StrongWomen! #BraveWoman! #FcukSocietalPressure!
Anon #227 U're alot worst than ur comment. Next time be constructive rather than insulting. Ur comment says alot about ur person. Apologies
ReplyDeleteHi stella, plz I can't view d new update on domestic voilence diary!
ReplyDeleteI seem not to get past d comment after may 26th 2013. Plz can u do anytin abt dis, cos I wld like to follow up on new update. Tanx
YES I did again I left in 2003.... And by then again things had reached a peak in abuse and torments...like I said after i came back life was good... For a while... This time the abuse started subtly initially...like sarcastic words... Then hurtful words.... The physical had taken a back seat... But now it was psychological and emotional torture..... + he now had financial muscle....so he did what he liked, how he liked it and when....and I dared not have a say in it...would disappear for days and I couldn't ask .......countless nights spent waiting for him to come back from another of his drinking sprees... Drunk to within an inch...and I dare not sleep..... Money became a weapon.... And the show of power was truly total... And slowly the nightmare began.... And he made sure every night he will remind me of leaving.....he will tell the children that they had an uncaring mother and only someone like me will just leave without the children. Yes this time around I lived in extreme wealth....yet I was poor...had cars at my disposal but couldn't afford to buy petrol.... He will give the children so much money....much more than they needed and I got nothing....and by this time he was constantly showing me the door.... "GO....GO....YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF...IM TREATING YOU SO BADLY WHY ARE YOU STAYING".... Will beat me with a belt and go and report himself to my father....(of course i fought back in self defense ) At some point during this period he called my mum up and told her he was told by some marabouts that his wife will not live long......on one occasion I "borrowed" from the money he gives the children, i asked one of them to give me some of the money with them, to cook for him, by the time he knew.... He dealt me so many slaps....repeatedly calling me "OLE OLE"..... These were the alpha beach times...... The waters ....the lagoon...the sea always listened....... I couldn't leave.........it wasnt that essy......by this time, he had conditioned the children to thinking I was the bad one..so leaving was not an option.... + I found Christ... And from that point of view leaving was not it... I just had to submit....(that word again)........and fasting, prayers and night vigils......not one of the pastors could help.... just one word.....SUBMIT......I kept on falling sick during this period.....had malaria almost every month... Me, the children.....The helps, The dogs.... Our files just grew and grew at the hospital.... And he kept on asking me to go check for cancer and all sorts of terminal illnesses etc......
ReplyDeleteFinally ..... One day.... He threw me out HIMSELF.....ha!!!!!!! HIMSELF.....with lots of people present.....ME AND THE CHILDREN....
Thank God for ur man!!!! Wow anything id give to be kissed when I'm yelling instead I'm insulted chai
ReplyDeleteI am a 48year old woman in an abusive relationship. I met my husband in school. He was in final year while i was in my third year in the university. I met him at a point in my life that I felt I was asserting my independence and I made it clear from the onset of the relationship that I would never allowed myself to be abused or belittled.
ReplyDeleteFast forward 25 years after with 3kids, I think I can safely define myself as one of the most abused women of all time-physically, psychologically, emotionally and mentally.
Why am I still in the marriage?
1) Because the society does not believe your husband correcting you was a big deal,
2) The fear of leaving your children's future at his mercy, knowing you might not be allowed to leave with them. A man that didnt care about you or your presence will care less about your children when you are out of the picture. His lies could wake the dead and I know he will definitely poison the childern's mind against me, especially when I'm not there to counter the lies.
3) When you got married, you automatically lose your room in your parents house- you become a stranger in your house and they can only accommodate you for a short period until you resolve your 'problems' with your husband.
4) you are seen as a failure that couldnt keep her home together.
5) You keep thinking how it(the lovey-dovey) started and hoping that one day he will stop and the good times will come again.
6) Because you think that if you preservere, all will be well at last.
If your mind, body & soul have been battered, you'll need to rebuild yourself before you can launch out.
That is what I am working on.
I am a work in progress.
Rekyah
Why don't u just say sorry to the person u called your husband.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, marriage is not about competing with your spouse.
Ok. Fine. Don't say sorry. Divorce him and remarry another man and when problems comes again , don't say sorry; just divorce that one too. And remarry for the 3rd time and when problems comes again please don't say sorry, just divorce and by that time you should be in your fifties and u should be able to leave alone where u don't have to say sorry to any human being.
Also by then all your children should be out of college having learned from you what 'ideal' marriage entails.
You should be fine with this kind of arrangement.
To be serious, if you know how many single women envy you for having a stable married life you will be saying 'sorry sir' to your husband every morning as long as he is faithful and a provider for your family.
Olu.
Olu u re a mad man. May thunder fire ur head for that comment. Omo ale.
ReplyDeleteWhat a nuisance.
Good morning sir ko good morning pharaoh ni.
You just spoilt my morning. Yuk.
SteLla na war for u oOoh!
ReplyDeleteAbeg do somtin abt dis updating ish na!
I Can't sim to view d new updates n I think its frm ur end! Cos I don try use operamini buh na d sametin!
I hope u will dis time!
those of you comlaining you cannot see updates here pls dont look at the numbering system of this template,i am working on it.just look at the date after you click on new comments...if you can see this comment that means you can see all the latest ones...
ReplyDeletethat person saying they cant see new comments,please look well.thank you.
Now am afraid of men...
ReplyDeleteMr Olu i have refrained from commenting on this thread because of all these sad stories.. But i need to let you no that you are a big fool and an even bigger scumbag.. It is useless idiots like you that expect a woman to be a doormat. You only flex muscles when it is a woman but when it is your fellow men you will not be able to defend yourself... Ozu nwuru anwu.. Good morning indeed.
ReplyDeleteTop 10 Signs of An Emotionally Abusive Man (my own instances are in the brackets) consider yourself lucky if the relationship is still young.... Or maybe you are just dating....believe me if I had known all these ....at that time.... I would NOT NOT....HAVE GONE THROUGH.... I just thought like my mother used to say ....ile Oko ile ogbon....
ReplyDeleteHow do you spot an emotionally abusive man? Most likely, when he first comes a-wooing, he won’t be carrying his: “Aren’t I amazing? I’m an emotionally abusive man” placard. So, how do you identify him before you get hurt?
1) Lack of respect. Not all emotionally abusive men will show you a lack of respect from Day 1. Some will turn on the charm for a while – others won’t. But how do they behave towards, and speak about, other people? If they are critical, or contemptuous, of other people, be very aware that you have a short shelf life before you become other people. (In my own case he was very critical about his family)
2) A good hard luck story. Every abusive man worth his salt has a great hard luck story about his tough past – and, boy, does he tell it well. Telling you his hard luck story is a neat ploy. You only have to respond like the uber-caring, empathetic , trusting person you are, for him to know you are his perfect… prey. (Told me he suffered as a young adult, couldn't afford shoes....had issues with his uni.....)
3) A worrying back story where women are concerned. Yep, he’s the one who’s suffered at the hands of women who didn’t understand, or appreciate, him. He’s been let down, treated badly, exploited, and robbed, by past wives and/or girlfriends. His bitterness about these predatory b**ches sends a clear message about how he wants you to behave: no demands, no expectations , just 100% commitment to healing his hurts.
4) He has a behavior – or 3 – that needs fixing. That could include drug taking, alcohol abuse, leering at women, tight-fistedness, or ‘anger issues’. He’s a little bit broken but, hey, you’re middle name is Mrs Fix-Him… (alcohol abuse.....marijuana.....even taught me how to smoke...before I just decided to stop, anger with others, then sometimes me....)
5) He’s domineering, and/or jealous, controlling and self-centered. You can tell yourself he’s just ‘being a man’, but the reality is that he is establishing a power (im)balance in the relationship. It works on the principle that he has the lion’s share of the power, and you get the lion’s share of responsibility.
ReplyDelete6) He gets star billing in the relationship – with all that that entails - while you get to play the bit parts. He gets most of the airplay, and the limelight etc, as befits the star. It won’t be too long before he lets you know that your job is to keep his trailer nice and tidy. (He made that clear when we were with friends and during hot arguments on national issues he would constantly put me down or just tell me it's way out of my league)
7) He has a short fuse. ‘Slow to anger’, ‘quick to forgive and forget’ and willing to own up to his own mistakes, are NOT accurate descriptions of him. He’s easily upset, he overreacts, and, as he tells it, the problem was not of his making, in the first place – so, he rarely has to get his head around the ‘S’ word (that’s “SORRY” to you, and me). He may well be a ‘potty mouth’. He certainly doesn’t react in a measured, adult way, when he feels peeved and aggrieved.
8) He’s not 100% reliable, consistent and/or predictable. “Something comes up”, or he’s feeling too tired, or he’s been really, really busy… Showing consideration for you, your wishes, and your feelings, is not his top priority.
9) He doesn’t do boundaries. He asks inappropriately personal questions early on. He rushes you, and the relationship. He sets himself up as the authority on every area of your life – including family, friends, your working life, and even your finances.
10) Gut feel. There was that moment, right at the start when, from somewhere deep inside you, there bubbled up the awareness; “YUK. This guy is bad news.” Sadly, that feeling didn’t come with a 20 page pdf report, a government health warning, or even banner headlines everywhere you looked. So what did you? You ignored that feeling. – “Listen, if it can’t give me chapter and verse, why should I pay attention to it? It’s making a lot less noise than he does. Besides, he may be my last chance at happiness, right?” Your intuition doesn’t obsess about the past, or worry about the future. It simply comes to the right conclusion in the present moment. Its predictions are far more clear-sighted than yours are... (My gut feeling came just when we were wedding shopping in UK, the dates had been fixed and we had just 3 months to the wedding and I just had this tight feeling that it wasn't right....my 2nd time was on the morning of the wedding... I was being dressed up and as the makeup was being applied I just welled up in tears..... The make up processing was held up bc I wept for like an hour....the tears came from nowhere....then the mask came on....)
comment #100(i refuse to call u depressed wife)..cld u pls contact SDK through her email to give u my email address..I wld like to speak with u. Mrs AJAYI.
ReplyDeleteAmazing!!! I thought I would be able to read all the submissions before I chipped in, but I just couldn't help but to pause on it to contribute to the life changing issues that concern DV. Have been more compelled to contribute because of the sheer eloquence that's been displayed by the troubled, yet intelligent individuals on board this forum. I doff my hats to all.
ReplyDeleteRead about 100plus comments so far...and am impressed by the true display of emotions that's been delivered powerfully by strong minded
females. I take this not for granted at all being a woman myself. While I may not have suffered DV directly, I think if we all had to relay derogatory remarks said to us by our men, and perhaps to pass them as a form of DV, then we'lld all qualify.....how we would all be victims with something to say.
Daughter of Zion
Before I share a relative's experience of DV...I must say that from reading between the recounts here..I can tell that most of you are professionals in ur own rights. Meaning that these are not recounts from shallow minded lazy females who use the avenue of DV to cover up their inadequacies that has now resulted in their failed unions. And I see that most are still speaking from underneath their spouse's roof. As much as this has nothing to do with being literate or illiterate, I would say that being abused in any form is an abuse in any way. And of cause, Ms Kay's encounter is mind blowing..esp to those who had/have an incline to what being abused can seem. But also very 'educative' and inspiring to those who may already have such issues at hand and may be in denial of it...or may not know how to address it. I must say that not many will be as lucky or as persevering as Ms Kay was, need I say, each to his own. The BRAVERY to emancipate yourself should remain the underlining factor for any abused person to escape.
ReplyDeleteI will not re echo the obvious, advising that 'u MUST get out of an abusive relationship or marriage' would be a cliche. The major issue remains our 'mental desperation' to get married... which is common with most ladies these days. We often find ourselves entering into a marriage that isn't morally, spiritually, or emotionally certified by God..first of all, and then edifying to our respective orientation. Then again..the 'rush to marry' can be attributed to peer pressure, our folks' imposing on us bcos of the age factor, then meeting up with the expectations of those around, and ultimately, the most common reason remains the desperate measure to be a "Mrs" at all cost.
daughter of zion
My cousin towed the same line years ago, hers was a very short time of being married to the most insecure coward.. and most complexed man yet. Although they attended the same university, as she is a highly intelligent professional who works with a top gas and oil institution in Nigeria. Very pretty too, and self sufficient in her own right. Then this lad came on board. I must say that whilst they dated, I 'envied' them positively. He would be there to see her in the house all the time. They would attend functions together, play sports together... etc. I can authoritatively cfrm to u that he never even cheated on her while they were dating...no space or time to do so anyway.
ReplyDeleteSo he proposed and wedding arrangements started in earnest. Abit of his background, his mom lived out of the country while his father was based in Nigeria. Financially they seemed average...but his mother was the 'financial rock' that they all depended upon, including his father. So for the wedding, my cuz traveled to the U.S, where I was based at the time, to buy all her bridal apparels. We shopped at David's bridal etc. So one afternoon we returned home from shopping..and she got on the fone with her husband to be, who was at that time in England to shop for the wedding too. My cuz, being a very soft spoken lady that she is, it was a while before I realized that they had been arguing over the phone.
I went to her and I asked wasup? And she smiled...and said..."wo don't mind him jare, how can he say that he wants to wear all blue suit with his friends on our wedding?... I told him it would be awkward and that he would look like a pimp..that's how the fight started". Then I laughed bcos I assumed it was no big deal, arguments are expected to ensue during one's wedding preparations. Not forgetting that these are 2 individuals from diff backgrounds and orientation (key factor)...trying to come together as one. So I passed on it. And then I said, well, maybe becos he's from the East and u are a yoruba girl... ur cultural disparity will certainly take its toll eventually. And we both laughed over it.
I would later learn that prior to the wedding preparations, that while they were journeying to the brides family home for their formal introduction ceremony, they had a heated argument in the car..then he hit her. Well, was told again that it wasn't the first time. Still on their journey for the intro, the car they were driving had an accident that almost perished 4 generations that were present in the car. The accident wasn't as a result of the argument tho, but for me..the signs were ominous that God didn't approve it. Even my cuz said her spirit didn't seem right, she said she was blank and dull rather than be excited. Dreams upon dreams that she would have portended evil..that the wedding shouldn't have taken place. No one imagined that anything was wrong, bcos we didn't know what she was going tru DV already.
daughter of zion
Fast fwding the events, they finally got married..and then hell broke lose. This guy I tell you didn't have any tangible work that he was doing. He lived off his wife...he drove her car, she paid the rent, and he loved to live large, they lived in Ikoyi...all domestic expenses were paid for by her bcos she held and still holds a very good job. That made him inferior and he displayed his egoistic tendencies.
ReplyDeleteBefore I complete the story... I am one of the few women who doesn't have a problem with a wife supporting her husband financially. For as long as he's got prospects and he's hard working, its ok to give if he has no financial support to render at any point in time, there's no reason not to help him. Afteral women are to cover their men's nakedness, and vice versa. What I will not condone is to take undue advantage of your wife, mentally..bcos of that. Or to build around her some cheap sentiments to subdue her bcos she's the bill payer.
This was the case with my cousin and her hubby. It got to a point that he would lock her up in the room and restrain her from attending to her job where they got d cash to feed from. Even...when she was pregnant with their child, at 5months..he would beat her to stupor. When we visited their home, we would have to rush out b4 "batman" returned home from wondering the streets. Else, he would enter the house and give u some nasty looks .... He did same to his own mother inlaw, his demeanor to her was never welcoming. Basically he never wanted anyone around her. When he arrives home, my cousin would hurriedly escort him into the room... and that would mean goodnight to the rest of us. He made her a completely passive individual.
Anyway..while that was ongoing....she fell ill at some point and was admitted into the hospital for days...if not weeks. While she was hospitalized, this fool couldn't even sustain himself at home at all. So much that he would send their maid to her on her hospital bed to request cooking gas money for the house...it was that bad. She would cry and cry, she became discolored from her bright self, she lost her once pretty vibes. Then their child arrived. Days after she got home with the newborn... she delivered thru CS, he beat her again for some nonsensical argument they had. There were times he locked mother and child in the room and would go out all day. The ONLY person that knew of all these was the elderly nanny that lived with her...that was her only confidant and friend for the periods spent in his house. And she warned her not to tell anyone. The nanny seeing all that was happening bcame absolutely loyal to my cuz. A woman old enough to be my her mom. She never left her side for one minute tru it all. Even until date.
What shocked the monkey out of me was the day my cuz came across one of her hubby's sisters in a store. And for the first time..she tried to take her into confidence. As she would rather that than to discuss with her own sisters or parents... and for the fear of building animosity btw her hubby and her own family members. So after my cousin's narrative of her series of battery encounters with her brother, his sister looked at her and said..."My dear, ur hubby is ur hubby. And so? What if he beats you? There's nothing wrong in that oo..and there's nothing I can do about it. Am also married to a yoruba man, and he beats me too. And I don't tell anybody...So stay in ur marriage and stop telling people. In my culture (ibo) women don't leave their husbands, they SUBMIT absolutely"......
daughter of zion
Those were the words of the sis inlaw my cousin thot she could find solace in...or that would atleast show some empathy towards her bcos she's a woman too. She thought very wrong. I digress, I think that the culture thing is another de facto as to the reason some women will never discuss or alert anyone that they are 'dying' swiftly in their marriage.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow....Severally my cuz planned her escape from this animal...and many times she's had to go to places that he wouldn't find her. Yes..like many have stated, he would go begging and he would take her back home. But later on, when she left the house again, this man didn't even blink or look for her o. What he would say was...."if she wants to go let her go, but not with my child". Their child became the leverage...So much that he seized their passports bcos he imagined she would elope. After the back and forth for a while..she finally did the RIGHT thing...she left him for good. That was when people saw the true jobless beast that he is, no one to cover his shame again, he couldn't afford to pay rent, he didn't have a car again, he became vicious and resentful. He said she was a witch that tied his glory down...he called her all sorts. He tried to blacklist her so he can get full custody of their child..but it failed. What finally destroyed n bruised his ego was the parting speech....
My cuz looked him in the eyes and said....." Mr man, I am not the reason you are a failure, I did u a favor by marrying you at all, and you aren't God's gift to women. I am not the reason your life is what it is, I tried to cover ur nakedness but u wouldn't let me. You were expelled from the university that we both attended..and bcos of that u constantly feel u should subdue me bcos you know that I know... am the victim you've continued to misplace ur aggression upon. I am not the reason you didn't graduate from school when we were students. I was A class brain and I didn't have to marry a drop out like you, but I overlooked it. Rather than apprct me..you are bent on destroying my self esteem that I worked so hard to obtain. Hitting a woman will not makeup for ur lost and wasted years, rather you'll be full of resentment all urlife. Perhaps you should return to school to complete your studies so that you can REALLY be what you have been pretentiously purporting for people to believe since our marriage...."
That was it. It was the final dose...those words hit him like a tornado. And then the divorce proceedings followed. End of story.
I wish to emphatically state that marriage isn't for everyone. Sentiments apart. The day we all realize this, the better and the less constraints we'll all suffer. And also, many will have to date/marry as many men as possible before they reach the chosen one. It doesn't mean that you are a prostitute as many will lamely call it...it just means that if you haven't arrived ur final destination u have to keep the train moving. And u may also wish to pause momentarily, say after the 3rd guy, to see whether the problem is with YOU. U could be your own problem too. However..its still isn't a justification to be battered by any man. And lastly... I must admit that I have NEVER paid an iota of attention to this Domestic violence thing all of my life, never given it much thoughts.
But reading the submissions on this thread has broadened my general overview and approach to marriage/dating generally. And henceforth, its the mannerisms in men that I would certainly be looking out for. May God strengthen you all...and may He restore every emotional roller coaster that may have been caused you by the men in your lives. A clear case of..."SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY"!!!
Daughter of Zion.
LEAVING part 3.....part one
ReplyDeleteI am skipping a large chunk of the diary to this final part.... Like I said the dairy represents my life during the 19 years I spent.....maybe people will learn from this and live.....
After he kicked us out... And all the drama that went with it, we came back....again..... You wonder why I kept coming back... And l would want you to read my earlier posts... Some factors had not been sorted... Finances being a major aspect...plus the fact that He is such a charismatic person that when he begs.... He goes all the way... This time round he brought extended family to come....wrote an undertaken that he will never hurt me.... Pledged love and all... And we got back again.
This 3rd time he became a menace... He now decided from the night we moved back in not to sleep with or beside me......no more beatings oh....but he used every tool he had in him to finish me... Used every resource and was never satisfied .... He now will bring all of us me and the children to the table and report their "useless mother" to them... He withdrew the whip and replaced it with words.....abuse....curses...financial and emotional starvation......called a meeting and told those present that he will never sleep with me again...(he said he didn't have a reason)... he claimed his business had gone bad....while mine now chose that time to flourish...that I am a witch....a power......that I want to bring him down.... (Yes I couldn't leave... He literarily came to re do his vows with me when he came to appeal to my parents, so how do I go back and say the wahala started from the night we moved back in)
This time however I got a visit from a very unique person....she was a pastors wife...and ironically he had told her I was part of his problems, so she came to see me .....and I was shocked at what she perceived and then I told her my story....she wept and then told me her case was worse....that the abuse was soo bad that till date she has a 35year old daughter who had refused to get married...that she prayed and fasted and prayed and God answered her....HOW.....HE DIED...she told me he died ....like a fowl...and then she was free from abuse....I told her immediately that I didn't want that kind of answer from God as I didn't want him dead...
Leaving 3.....part 2
ReplyDeleteThe journey to leaving started in January of 2006 I was in England when my sister Brought. Visitor to see me...she was a pastor and also a victim of DV....she said God told her to tell me IT'S TIME...that I will understand what it meant...that he said HE WAS READY TO FREE ME FROM THE VIOLENT MAN... I wept and told her I didn't know how to leave...she then asked me to do some simple things from that point on...I won't go into the plan extensively for obvious reasons....my email is available through Stella for those who want to know... But part of it included, saving aggressively, and taking little steps daily towards the leaving ...it was a gradual process....but I remember she saying that when the time comes, everything will work together...all those my little steps...
On a certain day in June 2006... I left....finally.... And till today I remember how it happened ....I came in from work...it was dark.....and as I was going in I saw him all dressed in black ...asking me all sorts of questions ....I was shaking trembling and explaining,....worked late traffic on 3rd mainland bridge...and how I had been calling to let him know.....then NEPA struck....and he told the Guard not to turn the gen on....he then calmly told me the marriage is over ...and that I should just get into the car and drive...back to wherever I was coming from....I went on my knees asking for forgiveness.....it was really late and he calmly told me to leave.....he was speaking so quietly ...it was so spooky... I wanted to call my children to help me ....he then warned me....not to dare shout...and that he had sent everyone to bed...so it was just me and him.....he told me he had a gun and that he will not hesitate to shoot me and he will tell everyone that armed robbers tailed me in and shot me....he warned me that its about to get bloody and I should leave....and I calmly got up from my knees ....got into the car.....and started driving...into the night....into the light
MS KAY MY HANDS ARE SHAKING,I COME IN HERE SO AS TO READ YOUR CONTINUATIONS AND YOU MAKE ME WEEP......WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOU DROVE OFF INTO THAT NIGHT?WHERE DID YOU DRIVE TO?
ReplyDeleteWHAT HAPPENED?????