Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Saturday In House Gists

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Saturday, October 03, 2015

Saturday In House Gists

Saturday in house gist is here again!

The winners of last weeks 'Devil's Bournvita' and the week before last have both been credited with 5k each....

Do you see a winner this week?LMAO!







GIST ONE
D-R-I-V-E-R PLEASE STOP

OK so here goes my story. I hope its funny enough to win.
Several years ago before my dad retired from civil service,he was working in Abuja though we were based in Lagos.
I had to travel down from school in Ibadan to Lagos to sort some stuff then supposed to head for Abuja thereafter to join my dad.


Luxurious buses were the preferred mode of transportation from Lagos to Abuja at the time (or so i think)
On this fateful morning i arrived the motor park armed with my already opened five alive juice from the previous day which i did not refrigerate overnight(i believe everyone understands how five alive can become much more acidic to taste after its been opened and not refrigerated)

Anyways i got thirsty or maybe i had the urge to drink some juice. Being sceptical about the juice making my tummy run,i decided to "test run" the juice. 30mins later i felt fine so i drank a whole lot.
Unknown to me,the devil was lurking.
About 30mins after take off,na so my tummy begin rumble in the jungle.
At this point abeg allow me ditch grammar.

I hold the thing like say na lifeline. Shortly after Ibadan,i had 2 to talk. "Driver please i need to ease myself" a couple of passengers turn back look me like say "no be Lagos we just leave now now.why you no piss all your piss there".
Let me state that i am a very shy person oo. I hate to talk in public.
Driver sha stop for me i cum down enter bush quick download the package for there.

Ladies and gentlemen,wen devil wan shame person ehn 2 overcome no easy.
About 40mins into the journey,na so shit resurface in my life. I dey sweat dey find signboard to even know where we don reach but na lie oo. After a while i no fit hold am again,make person no go shit for body as na that one go bad pass. This time i had to confess. "Driver please i need to poopoo". Almost everybody on the bus turn back look me like say "dem use shit swear for you abi na you the devil wan use you".

After a lot of grumbling the bus stopped n i took the walk of shame out of the bus. As i was passing people were grumbling loudly say pls oo the journey is still far,no be only you dey dis bus,we no fit dey stop for only you at every bus stop. 

I sha endured it all.did sharp sharp and got back on the bus. Na so we continue.
About 1hour again.the devil resurfaces. Na him i talk for my mind say if i wan shit for body make i kukuma shit for body. I nor fit to talk say make bus stop for me the third time. Infact i begin cry sef. 

After i start to pray make God pause the shit till i reach my destination.
People of God.this God is a God of miracles. I dunno where this breeze come from. Next thing i knew the bus stopped as i woke up. Wetin happen.we were at lokoja where Abuja bound buses usually stop over. Na miracle??? 

Na me first jump down.head for public toilet.shit correct before we enter road again.
Finally we reach Abuja and i got home smelling badly. I enter house.i no follow anybody talk.enta toilet finallyyyyy shit.baff cum dress up.narrate my shitty experience. Everybody laff tire.
But the shame tho....e no get part 2.


...................................................................................................



GIST TWO
BIRTH STORY

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. 
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model air planes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. 
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. 

The kids are watching her in amazement. 

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!" Now this kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. "My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lay down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" 

The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much! 
"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past 10. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there." 

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along.





82 comments:

  1. Lolzzz




    **********LONG LIVE SDK &
    SDKERS**********

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Birth Story.

      My kids love show and tell days, but I'm very mindful of what, they take in to school. But from Erica's narration they is no telling what could happen.

      Delete
  2. Today gists no just follow at all. Abeg no winner

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So the shit story no touch u? Ha! Not even little Erica own? Abeg u need Jesus

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. Lolz..call the midwife. .Hahaaaaaa. ..Gist 2

      Delete
  4. Hehehehehe gist 1 lesson to travelers.....no comment yet make sunday gist land

    Gist 2....sure I didn't lost ma sense of humour cos ds one no follow....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Uhmmm

    Poster two,this your story is obviously culled from some foreign blog or something, abi I lie?
    I'm pretty sure that I've read something like that before.

    My vote goes to poster one,by the way.
    I pray never to experience such in public.

    #WhiteDiamondOut

    ReplyDelete
  6. Please ask Erica for a replay, this time record and share. My imagination almost killed me with laughter. Kids. Are so cute. Saw a one year old imitating her pregnant mother walk. Hilarious

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One year old imitating her pregnant mom? Calm down pls.

      Delete
  7. Omg! Show and tell takes the cake!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Non is funny but can relate with poster one.... Onye akuko number two, biko na tales by moonlight you send in as joke? Very dry and stale... I don't understand nada.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't understand gist two, really? ?? Lawd have mercy! !!

      Delete
  9. Today gist no follow at all. Abeg no winner

    ReplyDelete


  10. IHG 1:
    Anoda shitty story *covers nose* iyafff do nah.

    IHG 2:
    Awwwww kids can really b amazing. *smiling* dey learn more thru our actions than words. *e-hugs* to evry lil "Erica" out dere.


    Awaiting Sunday's IHG bfr I cast my vote..








    ReplyDelete
  11. I've read the poster 1, will read the second later.




    *Larry was here*

    ReplyDelete
  12. This Erica story is surely from a school in the UK or USA. Which one now.....

    ReplyDelete
  13. Replies
    1. Gist two gets my vote
      Wonderful and good english for once.

      Delete
    2. Yinmu @poster2

      Delete
  14. Lol @water just in case he gets thirsty and play centre. Gist 2 has my vote.

    ReplyDelete
  15. poster one surely won this one. it had everyone including oyinbos in my office laughing out so hard!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Erica story, whoa! Brilliant. Lol@umbrella code and middle wife.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Na so we go begin see funny names cos of vote

      Delete
  17. Lol d 2nd story was very funny.cant stop laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  18. gist 1 made me laughed out loud, i have been in dat situation before omo it wasnt easy o

    ReplyDelete
  19. This ones dry pass dry land.

    ReplyDelete
  20. The shitty ish has been over flogged so I will pass. Gist2 is manageable but as of today, none of them deserves the money. Lets wait for tomorrow's.

    ReplyDelete
  21. The 2nd story is not original. Haba! Plagiarism of the highest order

    ReplyDelete
  22. Shit story is over rated. Pls u guys shud stop.

    I vote birth story. Kids canbe funny but I know this didn't happen in Nigeria tho

    ReplyDelete
  23. So dry but still give it to gist

    ReplyDelete
  24. Gist 1 is vry funny nd it reminds me of my own shitty xperience also buh d diff btw us was dat I end up pooin on my jean after holdin it frm ikorodu dwn 2 surulere,abi I no try ni? LOL (tank God say I no dey rily wear skirt lyk dat I 4 hear am wit bad flies). But gist 2 is sumhw dry 2 me oh dunno abt odas

    ReplyDelete
  25. Woow the 2 gist are both very funny

    ReplyDelete
  26. Gist 2 got my vote. Can only imagine

    ReplyDelete
  27. Poster 2 please wait for story time by kids then your story can fit in... Gist one I can so relate

    ReplyDelete
  28. I enjoyed Gist 2, not Voting yet.
    Since it's only 2 Gist why do we have to wait till 2moro though?

    ReplyDelete
  29. All this shit story is annoying
    2 this can not happen in Nigeria
    So will wait till tomorrow

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. never say never,some brilliant kids dey 9ja o and its apoem that was crammed

      Delete
  30. All of you saying the birth story was plagiarized... Do you think it's only Nigerians living in Nigeria that read this blog??? What if the poster is based in the US? But then, that brings to mind, how does poster 2 want to receive 5k naira? :/ is it to be converted into dollars or what? Abi the person has relocated from the US to Naija?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your comment makes me laugh. Don't mind Bv's. I just sent it to Stella because it was funny, I don't know she will put it in Saturday in-house. I don't need any money neither do I intend to convert it to dollars.

      Delete
    2. Madam birth story someone just applauded u ur English up there no come spoil everything.

      Delete
    3. Taaa na u by urself dey answer urself. Arrogant much.

      Delete
    4. No be her English nah, the story is copy n paste nah. Heard this joke for the first time like 3 years back if not more. But it's allowed nah as long as she no claim say she be the teacher for Erica class #dairisGod

      Delete
  31. Awww, poster 2 takes the cake, can't stop laughing

    ReplyDelete
  32. Second poster nawa for youoo. For dis naija? Okoo

    ReplyDelete
  33. Poster 2:Culled 4rm a novel

    ReplyDelete
  34. Today's gist no sweet all, I can do better.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Gist one actually made me laff.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Both are not funny, for voting sake I give it to gist 2.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I love story two but I will decide tomorrow after reading the other gists.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Poster 2: ur gist is funny jare. Can imagine Erica's demonstration. I'm sure u r not in obodo naija. If u win, jeje dash me the money o. Hehehehehe

    ReplyDelete
  39. Gist 2 is an interesting story anyway but not funny though.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Gist two got me laughing so hard. Kids and thier imaginations. Parents with thier creative explanation .

    ReplyDelete

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