STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
MARRYING A SECONDARY SCHOOL GRADUATE
Hello Stella,
Hope everything is fine with you. Please I will like you and my fellow blog visitors to advise me on what to do.
Hello Stella,
Hope everything is fine with you. Please I will like you and my fellow blog visitors to advise me on what to do.
I am in a relationship with a guy who never went to the university. He lost his parents in secondary school so he managed to write his Waec and didn't further his education to university level. He is very hardworking, he is a fashion designer and also designs houses for his clients.
His house is almost finished and he plans to rent it out and make more money. What I'm trying to say is that he is not a lazy person and he is ready to work hard to achieve all his goals.
The period I was jobless, he really supported me financially. Even when I used to transfer aggression to him because I was frustrated, he didn't still give up on me. He always tried his best to bring me out of that mood instead of leaving me to be on my own. And then we were not even having s#x.
He prays for me and sends me scriptures that can uplift my spirit. I have always wanted a guy that is strong spiritually because I'm not strong in that aspect.
The issue now is that my mum believes that people who are not university graduates are not meant to marry people who are graduates.
The issue now is that my mum believes that people who are not university graduates are not meant to marry people who are graduates.
She said there is a gap between us and it will become a problem after marriage. She said he might start having inferiority complex and he will want to lord over me to show that he cannot be intimidated by my graduate status.
I don't just understand this.
I have never heard of anything like this. So I'm asking: Please is this really an issue or is it possible that something like this might happen?
Thank you Stella.
Thank you Stella.
*Is your Father a graduate?Please do not let your Mother lead you to the wrong path,some Mothers do that oh....Everything in life is a risk and the kind of man you described up there is rare......Go for it and take God with you.
Do you love your man? Is he presentable, have you talked to God about it? If you are sure he is the one, convince your mum and you could advice him to get a degree part-time but really, I don't see the importance. So far you can respect him as the man at home no p. Cheers
ReplyDeleteYour mum should provide you a perfect graduate since she's a great provider.....
DeleteMy dear, follow your heart, you can't judge a person based on what someone who is in the same shoes as him does... If you love him Pls marry him, nobody will come and stay with you guys in the marriage.
DeleteA man that you know his whereabout at all times, no time to smoke or get drunk and you wanna let him slip away... If he loves you, marry him and with time, he might get a Diploma.
DeleteWhen una talk "god-fearing" and forking, how una dey take do am?
DeleteWhich "god" una dey refer to sef?
Is she looking for a graduate or someone that went to the university? The best question you should ask is, if he is giving you peace of mind, I have seen well educated people that behave like fools and so get intimidated by any achievement from their wives. A fool is a fool it doesn’t matter if he work convocation gown
DeleteSimple! Beg him to start something. Education isn't that hard anymore. I understand your mother's concerns and I think that you've got a good man as well. Encourage him to start and online program. God will be with you.
DeletePoster, five years ago I would have sounded like Stella or even told you to cut ties with your mum.
DeleteBut being who I am today; I will tell you not to totally ignore her opinion cos she has a point.
You see life has taught me why parents sometimes want us to marry people from where we are or has likely upbringing with us. It makes differences lesser and reduces conflicts because everybody knows how to behave; your mindsets are pointing same direction etc.
But someone different always results to one person cutting off his or her own life to yoke up with the other for peace. Trust me; it ain't as easy as it sounds. You will realise the pains with time.
Yes he will get intimidated at some point and will use it as a weapon of war sometimes. #truth
However; if you truly love him and want to be with him; you have to find a way for him to upgrade a little more. You have to make him feel it's for him, not for your ego. Use wisdom and lure him to it.
Get him jamb form. Or make him go for a program like Nigeria Institute of Management program or something. Just something to trick his mind that he is on your level and more.
That way you all will have peace.
I advice this because a time will truly come when he'll want to start limiting you to feed his ego and insecurities. By that time you have kids and are far gone in. You will start feeling bad.
PS
If he however is a very confident person; he may not see this as anything.
But I doubt because his quitting school was as a result of circumstance not willful.
#goodday
Excellent advice and write up. I agree with you 100 percent.
DeleteWell said- Candid Advice
DeleteHaba! That's a misconception from your mom. Marry him if you know your heart wants him.
ReplyDeleteMaybe her papa na grade 6 graduate! Talking abt graduate, i hope u didnt finish from all these advanced secondary school they called university. Pls post the guy's contact here
Delete...being a graduate is just that stamped piece of paper, at the end of the day no one cares if you sat and studied for it or if you can prove the grade!
DeleteHow many of us today will say "what i learnt in the university, im applying it at my place of work"... the question is, can he read & write? can he calculate? is he smart?
Dont let anyone fool you.
My younger brother is the smartest of all in my family but he dropped out of Uni and still has no degree! He has plenty online courses on Cousera & one other name like that, hes not learning to pass any exam oh, just the knowledge. He knows alot about astrology & human psychology! very sharp guy.... extra polished english you'd think he schooled in Oxford when he speaks, his tenses are clean, you wont believe he doesnt have a degree! Ppl he tells say na lie sef.
DeleteIt's not misconception, it's a fact. But then, everything we do in life is a risk, life itself is a risk. So posted, take ur own keep of faith, marry him and just pray ur case is different
DeleteIn as much as she has a point, I don't think she's right in this case. Make her see reasons why you want to be with him please
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend is not a graduate, doesnt do a white collar job. But he is wealthier than a milliom graduates.
ReplyDeleteHe has a very profitable business, not my tribe and doesnt believe in religion but he believes in God.
If he pops the question, ill walk straight to the alter without lookinh back. So far, hes the best that has happened to me since i started dating.
Shatap is money the issue here? An average nigerian woman won't see past money. Poster is talking about inferiority complex and you are yarning nonsense.
DeleteMy friend is master degree holder and is married to non-graduate and her marriage is pure bliss. You are the one that wears the shoes and should know where it pinches you.
Madam no one is bringing money issue here. Ur bf is not the first illiterate to be a millionaire. There are plenty of them. But they still think like uneducated millionaires. Das wat the posters mum is afraid of
DeleteStay there and be looking for graduate let suffering hammer you...I'm here in US and living a happy life with mine that didn't go to uni, he doesn't joke with his family. All the graduate I dated were always acting funny. Better shine your eyes before you regret
DeleteLOL Anonymous gangsters!!
DeleteWhy will you call someone an illitare cus he dint go to the university. An illiterate is someone who hasn’t attended any kind of educational system. Drop out? Yes, illiterate? No
DeleteGanster anonymouses be hating o. I will soon be in Europe with him. And he advised I leave my Arts career to study nursing. I'm doing that as soon as I relocate.
DeleteBe looking for graduates that are jobless and mean
Anonymous 18:02....You just confirmed the illiteracy na. Study nursing!!!!! Employ mentality. There are are million better courses that will give you mad money in Europe but your illiterate only know a about "nursing". Ignorant fools two of you
Deletelol soon be in Europe and he advised you leave your arts career and start nursing....isorait, we pray he is truly a good man and not when you get there you must dey surrender your nurses salary to him. they take you abroad and begin to bare their fangs if they cannot control your money.he might just have advised you to do that cos you get better pay and jobs quicker with nursing but if he turns out to be a bad guy then na wahala..i pray your case is the good one
Deletea lot of graduates are jobless , thereby becoming useless to their immediate environment , the only difference a graduate and non is the exposure , which he can achieve gradually, I know a secondary school dropout that speaks better English than graduates , so my friend , so far his wealth is clean marry him
ReplyDeleteU dey mind her mum! Na d boy i pity, his mother inlaw to be na witch
DeleteSome of you don't know how to talk at all, how can you call someone mother a witch?
DeleteACTS CHAPTER 4 VERSE 12 SAYS THERE IS SALVATION IN NO ONE ELSE. UNDER ALL HEAVEN THERE IS NO OTHER NAME FOR MEN TO CALL UPON TO SAVE THEM BUT JESUS CHRIST.
ReplyDelete@ anon 15:05: God will soon pick ur call, stop shouting
Deleteloool . God please pick his/her call
DeleteThis kind of men knows how to love ehh. But I'm very sorry poster me I can't have anything to do with someone that has not gone to school. I'm sorry. if he treats you well n you see nothing wrong with him not being a graduate go on and marry him. But encourage him to go back to school. your mum is not saying anything wrong.
ReplyDeleteWho told u he didnt go to school? I will be shocked if u re a graduate
DeleteI agree with anon 15:06. I know exactly what the posters mum is saying. I know a lady that her husband is better than the one the poster described up there. She is a graduate and he is not. He was that nice! After the wedding he started with NYSC is a waste of time. All pleading fell on deaf ears,she didn't serve. He doesn't want her to work or socialise. Uses every opportunity to belittle her. He loves her no doubt, gifts her a brand new car after each childbirth but is she happy? She only leaves the house alone if she's going to the church or school run. Poster, think deeply before you do this. He will be nice to you now o. NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE YOU AND WANT THE BEST FOR YOU MORE THAN YOUR OWN MOTHER. I've learnt This!
Deletei doubt that too! If you are, then i weep for this nation.
Deletewith this your English like a primary school drop out, you are talking too.
DeleteLol @ lulu
DeleteListen to your mother oh! Most men that are less educated than their wives always feel inferior. It usually comes out after marriage. You cannot educate your self further, you cannot work in certain capacities-in short you must not outshine him. I am talking from a personal experience. Story is too long but just know I married one and it didn't go well. Your case may be different though.
ReplyDeletePuuuliiisss... Na ur destiny abeg no discourage d girl no be lack of education dey worry ur man, na complex
DeleteAnon 15:08....don't mind those telling her to ignore her mum. They never see something.
DeleteGbam....Poster you better listen to real life experience. It is not about money. Listen to your mum!!!
DeleteThere are also real life experiences of women that their less educated husband encouraged, sponsored and pushed to achieve their best!!
DeleteLife is a risk, take the risk if you feel you should.
Chummy, how many actual stories like that can you list? Almost all men who do that for their wives end up feeling and acting like they own them just because they encouraged and sponsored their more educated wives. A lot of these wives live in misery and those who try to break out of the chains ended up dead. True story! You just google it and see how many men killed their wives before they thought their wives grew wings after they started making money. The stories are out there to read. Poster, please listen to your mother or at least help the guy to get further education so that inferiority complex doesn’t set in in the future. My own dad is more educated than my mum but but mum comes from a rich family whose members never for once interfered or pokenosed into my parents’ family affair but yet my dad still displayed complex here and there no matter how much my mum tried to play mumu for him just to show him that she’s submissive and doesn’t look down on him because of his family background. And you would think my dad was poor or something after married but no, he was and still is a very successful businessman and prominent figure in the society. Yet, his actions sometimes (not all the time) towards my mum still wreaks if inferiority complex just because he never had the privilege and opportunities my mum had. It is naija men we’re talking about, poster please listen to you mother. A lot of other rich and influential men are also like this but you cannot tell from the outside looking in. I’m telling you this from personal experience and what I’ve noticed and observed with parents of my friends, even famous people that the whole country knows. Sometimes, even personal success doesn’t quench that complex in them
DeleteWell said Anon 06:28. Poster please listen to life experiences
DeleteYour mother is not entirely wrong but unless she or you have a crystal ball to see into the future you can never know the true intentions of a person until you live with them or find yourself in a situation where their ego would be put to the test.
ReplyDeleteI personally wouldn’t marry someone who isn’t a graduate but you’ve described a good man. You still need to ask him questions and find out why he hasn’t bothered to further his education since he has gotten to a level where he can afford to do so. Do you have plans to further your education? Do you think he’d be supportive of future ambitions after marriage? Men like this can be supportive until they marry you and tell you your job is taking all your time. “After all I didn’t go to school, I am still taking care of the family. Why don’t you resign and start business so you can take care of the home blah blah blah”. Think and pray about it well, if you still feel the same way about him then it’s your choice but your Mum is not wrong. What an elder sees lying down, a child cannot see it even while standing on a roof top.
@ ur last statement, not all elders. Wisdom has nothing to do with age
Delete@Doppelganger, this happened to my cousin. Very very brilliant girl. This man kept complaining and calling family meeting for her to resign. In the end, it's a marriage, she resigned for peace to reign. A girl that was working with NBL. He opened a shop for her at Onitsha main market to sell wears. Very painful something. She can't further her education and she can't even use the certificate she has!
DeleteCan he read?
ReplyDeleteCan he write?
Can he enter a bank and full a deposit slip without help?
Can he handle conversations in fluent English?
Does he support your academic pursuits?
If all your answers to the above is Yes.
Madam, hold that man tight. All i wanted to read was that he wasn't lazy, and you affirmed it.
Let your mom know that a lot of degree holders are now entrepreneurs, some will never bring their certificates out of their bags till they die, yet they won't starve.
It's about EXPOSURE not the certificate!!
DeleteDear poster,I will support Stella on this,good men are rare to find this days.My opinion though
ReplyDeleteMajority of the bad husbands out there were good men once. Women keep falling into the same kind of trap over and over again. We need to start looking at several other factors regarding men and not just the “he’s a good man right now” factor because we’ve seen severally how men change after marriage due to one thing or the other. If you can foresee it right now, please avoid it.
DeleteMy only worry would be the way of looking at the world intellectually. You will have issues along the way because whether you like it or not being a graduate you are exposed in a way he isn’t. Your choice of friends would become an issue, he won’t speak up in company of graduates etc. Even if you get married, encourage him to go back to school.
ReplyDeletewho told you he can speak very well.
DeleteThere is a friend of mine that speaks very well, if he didn't tell you that he didn't go to school you won't know. He loves reading anything readable, but he didnt go to school. And he his a go getter, brilliant and handworking
Please send the guys number to me and I will gladly accept him. I am a graduate by the way. See excuse because your mum is the one that will live with your husband after marriage abi? Dont use your brain, stay there and be asking questions.
ReplyDeleteUntil you jump in and realize few years later that her mom's concerns are real.
Deleteshut chidinma...it is your type who desperately marry cos u must answer mrs....do u think her mum is stupid? if you are experienced and old enough you will know that what her mum is saying is happening to alot of women today. love alone does not sustain marriage, that is why people go into marriage all lurvy durvy and end up experiencing hell cos of other factors they down played during courtship...nothing wrong in her mothers fears and nothing wrong in her marrying the guy but she needs to be sure other factors are in place..
Deletemadam, i agree with your mum. Besides, someone who is "spiritually sound" will not be gbenshing upandan.
ReplyDeleteListen to your mother oh, because when hard times hit and it does in every marriage, this his lovey lovey sef, e go change am for you
And who told you dey are gbenshing? Graduate like you that can't read and understand is condemning a non-graduate😂😂😂
DeleteHmmmmmm, this is deep. I introduced my roommate to my well to do cousin mind you my cousin is not a graduate but she is. I really don't know what challenges she's going through because I hate interference but on two occasions she told me " no matter what, when you want to marry, marry someone in your status, I was how? She smiled and said I should marry someone who at least saw the 4 walls on the University. I don't kNow how this will help you, but I don't think is educational background should be a problem if you understand each other and His God's will for you.
ReplyDeletesince he can afford to do part time just advice him to start. so that complex doesn't set in later on. Your mother is not entirely wrong.
ReplyDeletePoster, as far as he can take care of you, he has handwork and he is not lazy marry him. Dangote is not a graduate but he is amongst the richest in the world.
ReplyDeleteIt is not all about money, sadly
Deleteis dangote married? do u know what happened to his marriage? money is not everything
DeletePls follow your heart, this man is a good man, At least he is the one giving you money to support you, when you were jobless, so far he is hardworking and has plans and also Godfearing, pls go with the guy. And have you prayed about it?. Your happiness and peace of mind is important here.
ReplyDeleteAlthough what your mum said is true but not all men , there are some men that feel insecure when their women is doing well than them.
Pls ask yourself if you are in love and happy with the guy and not because of the support he is giving you, you need to be sure of what you genuinely want. Will you still be happy with him when things aren't rosy?. God will help
Some times they do have complex issues ooo
ReplyDeleteSome supposed graduates went to University but allowed University to go through them. Follow your heart.
ReplyDeleteit's never late for him to school,pls do not miss this opportunity.
ReplyDeleteDo they chop graduate? Na you sabi no go hold your man tight dy dia dy talk like someone in floating water
ReplyDeleteSo person that didnt go to School almost completed his house and me graduate doing 200k work a month without single land.
ReplyDeleteAgain, money and exposure are very different things
DeleteYou even see 200k a month job when me never even see 50k job
DeleteIf that man is all you have listed him to be, please marry him but do not forget to seek the face of God concerning that. As for the education part, you can stylishly ask him to enrol in part time studies, especially now that he can afford it. But do not, I repeat, do not throw him away because he's not as educated as you are.
ReplyDeleteI watched a Yoruba movie almost a month back and the lady disregarded her husband because he was always embarrassing her with his bad English. The guy was rich and gave her even more than she asked for. But She left her marital home to be with another guy because according to her, he was a graduate and spoke better. Eventually, she got pregnant for her new boyfriend and that was when the love turned sour, he rejected her and the pregnancy and showed her hell until the pregnancy was eventually miscarried. Meanwhile, her former husband got married to another lady who helped him get a home tutor. You needed to see the way the guy was blasting grammar on his ex-wife when she came to beg him to take her back. Even she sef shock!
My dear, marry your man, stylishly(So that he won't feel insulted) ask him to do part time studies. With that, he too will feel like a graduate and no intimidation will happen.
Una go dey alright laslas
This should be that Odunlade Adekola's movie where he kept pronouncing his wife's name as ALAT instead of Aolat...hehehehehe
DeleteInteresting movie with deep lessons.
Odunade Movie.Where he called his wife Alert instead of Aolat
Deleteno use film judge any matter. nigerian movies always paint the extreme cases...we see cases of women graduates who marry non graduates and cannot talk at home cos the men interpret everything they do at home as feeling superior or cos they are graduates..some are so unexposed that the ladies think they can cope in the marriage cos of the money. they marry and live in bondage. i cannot marry a man who will be disgracing me with bad grammer anyhow or a man who has an accent..kolewerk. I will not marry someone who is not a graduate except i know he had a good educational start like me but dropped outa school cos of finances or his personal ideology etc.then you must speak good english and not have an accent. lol.. I married a graduate form a middle class family like myself who sees stuff the way i see and we are good..despite both parents owning their own homes we married and started from a self contain with no car and good to go. today 14 years down we are comfortable without borrowing or begging...its not about money or anything but someone who can relate with your way of thinking on so many levels..
DeletePoster, your mother has a valid point but not in all cases except if the man has inferiority complex and is arrogant.
ReplyDeleteThe guy in question have some wonderful traits, he’s not lazy, peaceful, hardworking guy and a man that fears God.
I know a man that was a secondary leaver then, he encouraged his wife to go for her masters’ and even PHD. It was later he decided to further his own education.
Another one was an elementary three school dropout but got married to a graduate. He holds a doctorate degree today and is a business tycoon.
If the man does not have inferiority complex and he’s always willing and ready to learn, can make simple and coherent sentences, can read and write, then there is no issue here. His qualification is not written on his forehead.
Encourage him to continue to improve himself. It’s never too late to learn. And be sure you love him sincerely.
Ohhhh yesss there's a gap my Dear. This man will sometimes want to make you feel guilty as if you're the one that says he shouldn't continue with his studies.. hubby is also a high school graduate, he has his days ooo......and I always tell him.I'm not the cause of his problems make he free me abeg
ReplyDeleteJust watcht out for the main thing if you continue to rub that on his face
DeleteI rather marry a smart secondary school dropout than a mumu ist class graduate. Is not about going to school, all life needs is smartness and hard work. You better not leave that man else you will regret it tomorrow or haven't you seen most omata men married to professionals and their marriage is so blissful that you will want to get married the next day.
ReplyDeleteyour Mum is right in the normal sense, but it may not apply to your guy. as for me, i no fit marry a non graduate weda he is rich or not. we need to be compatible in all aspects. i dont want any man stalling my progress in future just because he isnt well educated.
ReplyDeleteI married a non graduate and am regretting it. they don't think d same way like us. my husband and I are not happily married. we don't agree on anything because we don't think the same way. we are so different in everything. my biggest mistake is not marrying a graduate. He killed my dreams.
ReplyDeleteHe didn't kill your dreams. You allowed your dreams to be killed by him.
DeletePoster, think deeply about this comment
DeletePerfect comment i have been searching for, poster please come and read this comment, it's not about the money, you sef can make your own money. You can never reason with an illiterate, that secondary school he went to, was it a good school? Cos it matters. Think of 10yrs from now, 20yrs from now, how will your marriage be. Illiterates always feel inferior, kill dreams, and as you are educated, he will feel insecured, if you work, all your colleagues are sleeping with you. I was engaged to a business guy, all these China container people, yes money was there but, i ran. That was when i realised the value of education, i'm talking A, he's talking Z, I just couldn't have a healthy discussion with him,i will just be quiet and listen to his talk, we weren't on the same page no matter how I tried. I give myself brain and returned his ring. Your mother is right, don't just look at the moment, think of the future too. He can go back to school sef, what's stopping him? As for me, i rather marry an average graduate, both of us will team up and build our lives than a billionaire who isn't on the same page with me. I remember that business guy mocking his friend that's a graduate and managing his life, he said, when he was hustling, this one was busy having degree, now look at his life, can you imagine that mind set? He forgot anything can happen to his business but you can always dust your certificate and go get a job.Thank you.
DeleteThe issue isn't about being a graduate. Have you ever come across a graduate that has a low level of reasoning?
DeleteI believe it's about the personality.
Like I said, do not ALLOW any man to kill your dreams. Married or not.
Nigerians and this graduate issue. Why are we so obsessed with degrees? Poster, you have a good man who is hardworking and a great support system yet you want to throw that away for a piece of paper? What is the guaranty that a graduate will make a good husband? There are non graduates who are more enlightened than graduates, exposure doesn't always have to be in a school setting. Please hold on to your man and do not listen to anyone. Goodluck
ReplyDeletehonestly u people are so irritating and can never discus the crux of a matter....is it the certificate we are talking about? your virtue of being a graduate exposes you to so many more things than someone who is not..u people think her mum is daft? do you know how the guy behaves or comports himself? how many non graduates are exposed? only those lucky to be from good homes and are lucky to have a good foundational education..so its not about obsession with degrees.
Deleteeven earning more than a graduate husband sef na wahala talk more of marrying a non graduate. someone who may not be able to present himself well in the public.
ReplyDeleteAs in ehn. You want to open your eyes and enter fire??? Goodluck @ poster
DeleteMy dear IT CAN NEVER END IN PRAISE.
ReplyDeleteNEVER.
All the previous commenters saying 'go for it', 'go for it', check very well, they are all single.
When you finally marry him and the scales fall off and every one's real colour comes out, na then you go know say, khaki no be leather?
Small small, insecurities, inferiority complex begins to showcase themselves in all their 'glory'.
If you talk too much, he will say ehnnn you wantu show na you go school.
If you don't talk, he will say it's because you are ashamed of him.
If you don't go for family events or where he asks you to go, you are prouding.
If choose to you out with him frequently, you too dey show yourself (territorial and too clingy.
If you use big big words in his presence, wahala.
If you always use pidgin when discussing with him, double wahala.
The day you summon up courage and say you wantu to do your Masters? I laff in Ghanaian.
Forget all these sweet words and money and attention, na wetin dem dey use turn una head like soft eba. Enter marriage first, your eye go clear.
A white man who doesn't even have a high school certificate can encourage his wife to go all out to get her PhD, support her in every way and be happy and proud while doing this.
A Nigerian man's ego is too weak and feeble to accommodate a woman that is superior to him in any way. He cannot handle it.
He will cut you down to the size his ego can manage. Marry someone who can upgrade you, whose world view is similar or better than yours.
Marry your kind.
All these people that did not go school and now make plenty of money do you know the first thing they do when they start their companies and start making money?
They go and find educated people to assist them run the business.
Why don't they put an uneducated person to handle their Finance or HR department. If they give any uneducated person a chance, maybe as their driver or messenger.
Oh and please, University education is not about how much English you can speak.
If you are not fluent and articulate in your expression by high school, a Nigerian University will be of NO help to you in that wise.
But a truly educated mind is refined and polished.
Its way of thinking, reasoning, observing and resultant expression is very very different from an uneducated mind.
*yes I know that the present day average Nigerian university graduate is an apology but you get my drift.
Abeg chop kiss! I have two degrees and hubby has 1. It's been one battle after the other. Every day, he finds a reason to fight. It's exhausting.
DeleteGod bless you.
DeleteThanks for this comment!!
DeleteBar man abi mama nkechi give dis guy/lady isi ewu and any drink...
DeleteGod bless u
Thank you for saying it it is.
Deletethank you, i just didnt have the energy to type this much
DeleteYou are a graduate and were "jobless and frustrated". He did not graduate but is affording his needs and more, na who better pass?
ReplyDeleteMmmmmmmmhhhhhh, when you say ". . .and then we were not even having sex . . .", does it mean you are "now having sex?" And he "sends you uplifting scriptures?" If so how do you mix the fornication and the scriptures?
She is being well pounded now. The churches no longer preach sexual immorality as sin. It's a pity!
DeleteIndeed. Something worth thinking about.
Deleteposter, please tell your mum that your man has already gained admission into the University, and is pursuing his 1st degree while planning on coming to ask for ur hand in marriage. convince her with fake evidence, let's see what her response will be.
ReplyDeleteWhy tell a lie? You see how people can complicate their lives???
DeleteSo because she wants to marry the guy she has to lie to gain mom's approval?
DeleteGood recipe for a DOA marriage. Poster kindly ignore this
Poster you knew he wasn't a graduate from begining and you were enjoying relationship. Your mother is not wrong, inferiority complex will set in, even if it is not always atleast once in a while. But since you have made up your mind to marry him(yes,you have), carry go. I mean even some grads have inferiority complex. As for me,I can't marry a non-graduate. I won't even let it go to relationship level talkmore of marriage level.
ReplyDeleteYou sound as someone who is in love with this guy. The qualities you stated above are good qualities of a husband material. From what you said. He could not further his education because his parents died. You can encourage him. He can get additional qualification through distance learning. Moreso. Its not too late to enter university if you desperately need a graduate husband but be ready to loose him to other finer small undergraduates in the university.
ReplyDeleteI married someone I'm more academically qualified and there is no issue. In fact he is also into the fashion business and doing well for himself he has been responsible for the home since I stopped working and there are no issues. Judge him by his disposition and the friends he moves with are they people who motivate him to be better? My husband can stand his ground and not easily intimidated the caliber of people he mingles with my qualification have not been able to do that. Talk to God for He alone is the revealer of secrets let Him reveal this man to you and thereafter make up your mind from it.
ReplyDeleteStop there! The catch word is "since i stopped working"!. Try running for phd or seeking high profile jobs and see how supportive he will be! The issue is not about money nne.that man has reduced you to where he wants you to be that's why there is no issue. Thank you
DeleteWill your mum allow your graduate brother (assuming you have one) marry a secondary school graduate? In as much as its possible that in the future, things may not go well. I remember my teacher in school would always tell us "make sure your man has a university certificate, even if everything is going well, at least let him have. What if things go bad and you need his certificate? "but life doesn't have a strict rule as to how it'll play out. My own is, why hasn't he gone back to school ?Is it that he lacks motivation or he isn't smart enough for books or he is no longer interested or he doesn't see the need for one? May God help you make the right choice .Amen
ReplyDeletewhen people seek my opinion on whether to be with a partner or not, I always tell them this....
ReplyDeletewhat we each look for in a partner can be broadly divided into two- the negotiable and the non-negotiable. Generally, I consider the negotiable to be things like tribe, physical appearance and things along that line, while the non-negotiable are things like character; e.g, does he have a healthy perception of himself/ does he have a healthy self- esteem, does he have anger issues.etc. Things like that.
you must note that the negotiables are things you can compromise on while the non-negotiables are things you cannot compromise on.
So ask yourself, is it very important to you for your partner to have had a university education? If it is not so important to you, then you really should not bother too much about that.
Now, to your mother's concerns, here's what I will say. Mummsy is scared that men without university education or men whose wives can be reckoned as doing better than them, might have self esteem issues and this might make them difficult and unyielding because there will always be a need to prove their masculinity and headship by asserting themselves in an unhealthy manner, to salvage their bruised or fragile ego. This is a general perception and it is not peculiar to Nigeria. However, it is not in all cases that men feel threatened by their wives' class or social standing or even educational qualifications.
So you need to ask yourself if your man has a healthy self-esteem. Does he ever feel a need to unnecessarily assert himself? Does he feel threatened no matter how slightly by your educational qualification?
Does he fit into your plans, aspirations and life goals. If tomorrow, you become the CEO of a multinational, would you be comfortable having him interact with your friends and colleagues? Does he speak in a manner that you are comfortable with? Does his limited education shine forth even before he opens his mouth to speak or does he cut the image of a confident educated man?
Your answers to the above questions should help you arrive at a decision you will be at peace with.
Note also that there are men who did not have the privilege of a university education that cut the perfect image of elegance, poise, grace and refinement and unless you are told, you would not know.
Just marry a man that you will be proud to show off to your friends, one that when he opens his mouth to speak you will not bow your head in shame and most importantly, one who will allow you be you!!!!!!! A man who would never feel intimidated by your success and try to blow out your candle.
All the best.
Pardon the epistle, I typed on a computer, so i just kept going on and on.
Thanks do for this. I really gained a lot.
DeleteIf you really like this guy,i will advise you to encourage him to enrol in part time studies even before the wedding.the truth is both of you can't reason the same way.
ReplyDeleteLet me give u an instance.i once dated a guy who grew up in d core north despite attending a very popular private university down south.i on the other hand grew up in warri.our thinking and way of life where different.we tend to disagree on so many things and that was how the relationship ended.in essence try n marry within your class cos most times your reasoning will differ but in all also analyse the relationship and tell yourself the truth.Do you see this coming up in future.The truth is we all see these traces but ignore or accept.But no marriage is 100per choose what u can deal with and choose wisely.all the best
It was on this platform that a lady complained that she is tired of her marriage because her husband is sooooooooo shallow, only watches Nigerian movies and cannot engage in an intelligent conversation. She was tired of the whole thing, because she loves intelligent men who can turn excite her interest and sustain it in an intelligent conversation.
ReplyDeleteDraw your man out, let him meet with your friends or even church members and watch if he fits in.
Just go with what you are comfortable with o jare.
Education does not make a good home, but the absence of it in the desired quantum can be the undoing of a home.
I understand what your mom is talking about but, if the guy is insecure you should know by now. He will already be making comments such as “one day now, you go leave me follow ur fellow graduates” or he will start faking stories of how his close friend married a graduate and the girl started oppressing him or dumped him for a graduate. If he’s making bogus comments like that he’ll definitely have a problem. If he’s never come up with such comments all this while I don’t think he will once u get married. Goodluck.
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't have to make such comments. If he's a narcissist, he will play his cards right until she says yes. Once she is his, his real feelings will come out. Posted, the truth is that no one knows tomorrow. But test his endurance and beliefs about women. Take good note of the comments he makes about other women who are educated. If u focus on you, you will miss it. Pray to God that he exposes his true self. I had a toaster once and when I prayed this way, one day he showed himself. I laughed loud and closed that chapter.Good luck
DeleteYou can ask he furthers his education or probably do an online degree if it's a bother however funmito can testify if her husband who bearly speaks good English and didn't see the four walls of a university of He makes her feel inferior. Lol
ReplyDeleteThis guy tries his best for you but why are you not doing the same? Since you guys started dating why haven't you encouraged him to run a part time program? Aka nni kwo aka ekpe, aka ekpe akwo aka nni fa we di ocha....inugo nnem.
ReplyDeletePlease listen to your mum oh....most cases that I have seen of uneducated men marrying a graduate, their thinking is so shallow no matter how rich they are.. they would frustrate you ehn....
ReplyDeleteBut u said this one is nice and all. If u are willing to take the risk, do so. Hopefully, he won't change after marriage
even some graduate husbands feels inferior when their wives progresses or earns more than them. so attitude is the answer. some uneducated men knows what life has to offer and a good sense, he may still appreciate you if you help him upgrade that aspect of his life. during our convocation in school, our v.c told us that we are being awarded because we were found worthy in character and in learning,. do you also know that some people can be worthy in learning and not in character? of course there are so many of them.
ReplyDeleteAnd what even stops the guy from picking form and enrolling in one of these courses in any of these universities if that is the issue?
ReplyDeletePoster life itself is Risk. Think well before you enter.
ReplyDeleteMy doctor told me one day we were discussing about life and what not never to marry a man that is not a graduate. I wanted to argue. He told me you will never understand.
Don't marry a man that is not a graduaTe except the voice you hear is from God Almighty.
Go to prayers let Him give you the answer
OP you have to try to watch him, watch his poise and how he carries himself, it's your call to make. My dad didn't attend the university until later but no one can tell. He supported my mom to do her masters and even wanted her to get her PHD, na my mama say she no wan do. When he was 55, my mom encouraged him to get a degree as we were financially okay, I was in a private uni and my siblings were about entering uni too. Today he is a graduate and he's pushing for me to do my PHD, I have a masters. He has never talked down on my mom and when he speaks, chaii you will think he attended Oxford uni. the only thing I see is that my mom has to constantly push him to do things.
ReplyDeleteSummary:Tell your bf that you want to go for your masters and see his reaction, talk about diverse topics and listen to his impute. My mom has been telling my hubby to go for his masters, he's refused but he allows me read all the way. Last last, you are wearing the shoes, don't ever let your mom decide for you and kindly note, marriage is not a walk in the park, graduate or not. Some challenges will humble your PHD in marriage.
My own take is when the SSCE holder was sponsoring you and being there for you, you didn't need anyone's advice and validation. It is time for you to decide whether to marry him or not you come here for advice. I will suggest you just free the guy cos if you go into marriage with this your expectations in mind. It's onoyb inferiority complex you will see in the guy.
ReplyDeletePoster, just yesterday I was giving a single friend this advice i am about to give you now.. Educational qualifications, height, swag and co won't give you happiness in marriage if you didn't marry a good man.
ReplyDeleteThe man you described up there is just like my hubby. I won't trade him for anything because he supports me, gives me peace of mind and doesn't hold anything back to ensure our marriage is a blissful one.
When you are inside the marriage, you won't even be remembering certificate. Is it his degree that you are marrying? I married my hubby who has an OND from a state poly. I am a lawyer called to bar. U know what, i never for one day saw his educational qualifications as an issue.
Finally marry who will make your life peaceful o.We cook together pray in the morning and night together, play like kids around the house and we support each other when the need arises. PEveryday I pray for God to keep him safe because I know that what we have is rare. Follow your heart, good men are rare in this our time.
Many people have said alot Here poster. I understand your mum's Fears.
ReplyDeleteWatch and pray. Your mum could be right though
Marriage on it own has it ups and downs, lots of challenges and lots of hard work
ReplyDeletethis guy has what it takes to go back to school please encourage him, don't add to the surprises that comes after marriage-educated or not.
Uneducated man and a man from a broken home is a no no no for me
The educated ones that earn below what their wifes earn is an issue
The educated ones that their wifes are more educated is an issue
Do you want to stay happy
Do you want to have a home where your opinions matter
Do you want to live long?
We can only advice as you have asked, we wont leave in your home with you