Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

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Sunday, June 28, 2020

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

Hmmmmm.......





STAND ALONE NARRATIVE

PARENTS IN LAW ISH


Hi Stella,


 My heart is heavy as I write this to you,please I'd like some contributions from you and other Bvs.



I got married 2 years ago. While I was getting to know my hubby, I discovered he didn't have a job but he was managing what I would call a family business because his father started it first. 


This business inadvertently takes care of two families, ours and my hubby's parents. We were hopeful a good job would come along. I too was not idle. I am a lawyer, working with a private law firm when I was staying with my parents. When I joined him after wedding I also got a private law firm I work with who was/pays me 30k.since October I haven't been paid because nothing much was happening at the office and I went on a maternity leave from that month (I put to bed in November)


Now before marriage, my hubby was living in a face me I face you one bedroom with shared facilities. I kept on reminding him the need for him to find a better place, he kept saying when he settles with our marriage celebrations he would work towards it. 

Our marriage celebrations was not extravagant infact I had a wedding without a bridal train, fixed my wedding in December (in the heat of the festivities to curtail crowd). I supported and believed in my man,I reminded him that an average Nigerian girl won't even dream of such a wedding with almost everything cut to the last so that he would appreciate my understanding. 


When I joined him in January, I urged him to work towards us leaving there before March. He kept promising but we were there till August. I was already panicking on how I would stay in one room and have my baby and even have my mom come for omugwo there(as we reside in different states).


 MIL suggested we move in with them for the time being pending when we find somewhere better. I quickly grabbed it because it was better than what we had(biggest mistake).

 Since then hubby has refused we will move o, saying the house would eventually devolve to him so no point renting elsewhere as that is a waste of money. I am no longer comfortable as so many issues are arising between I and his parents and I know that to curtail and maintain the cordial relationship between his parents and I,we need to find our own place. 


 I had a great relationship with MIL infact if I hadn't I wouldn't have taken that offer to stay with them. When I had my child was when I started having issues with them, first I started bleeding when I was 40wks,i decided to go to the hospital. MIL registered her displeasure with that saying I should have stayed back as it could be on start of labor. But this pregnancy is my first and since none of my parents in law were medical doctors, I went to the hospital. 


It was after tests and coupled with a history of pregnancy induced high blood pressure, the next day, the doctors scheduled me for induction which eventually led to a C-section because I wasn't dilating quickly. Also, they(parents in law) kept blaming that C-section on baby's weight(my baby weighed 3.8kg at birth) which is not out of place as I am big boned. and that I was not exercising otherwise I would have had "normal delivery" and they wouldn't have wasted money on cs. 


I also contributed 50k as part of what was used to offset my hospital bills out of my savings from my salaries, but hubby conveniently never mentioned it to his parents. They keep on singing to my ears how the bills for the C-section drew them back financially (FIL said that one to my hearing, story for another day).



Also due to the nature of the C-section and taking care of a baby, they complained that I wasn't coming out every morning to greet father in law. Most mornings I am still sleeping because baby kept me awake the whole night,hubby would even have his bathroom in the same room and I wouldn't even know, but whenever I get up I go and greet them, together with so many other issues. I kept reminding hubby of the need to find our own place but he has refused saying unless I will give him the money. 


Recently my mother waded into it and spoke with hubby's uncle as someone hubby listens to on the need to find our own place, hubby refused and flared up,saying that he has no plans to move out as there is no money and made statements such as" if my parents are worried on us living separately, then they should give us the money to rent a place". Imagine!!. 



I know it is all my fault because if I had stood my ground from beginning I won't be in this mess, also I have discovered that before marriage one needs to go for exactly what you want as bringing your standards down and managing doesn't pay off. 

If I had enough money, or with a good job I would rent a place myself. But since October 2019,i haven't been paid up till this June. I am applying for other jobs and hoping something better comes up. 


What do I do? I am no longer happy here because the relationship between I and his parents are strained. Every action I take is misconstrued. In fact I would have travelled down to my parent's base if not for this lock down because I am down and need seriously to clear my head.




Hmmmm this does not sound good at all......
is there a way you can mend the relationship between you and your mother in law?she is probably the one behind your father in laws complaints as well....What i will say is that for peace to reign,fix it and behave how they want you to while you look for money to move....

124 comments:

  1. I agree with you Stella, I would move to my parents house to birth my baby instead of my in-laws.
    Apply wisdom, Chi buro afor, abogo nkwo....

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    Replies
    1. Eyah! U will be fine las las

      Delete
    2. Chai. Poster it is well.

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    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    4. Oh bad country
      A lawyer earning 30k 😢😢😢😢

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  2. But on a serious note poster where do you want your horseband to get money for new house rent.
    Biko manage his parents in law house or you and your parents should raise money since he is willing to move if money is provided.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See ehen even if the man has money, he may not move out o. ..that's when he will want to.reinvest the cash into the business. ...the only way it would work is if she gets the place herself...it can be very frustrating, every of your move is monitored.

      Delete
    2. Everything happening is not your fault madam. Your only error is marrying a man who can not cater to you when you fully know that you are not earning enough to support youself or him.
      You are in a one chance situation and Stela's advice is most appropriate here. Manage with them until you can find your way out but I don't see your hubby leaving that house, even if he has the money to get a place.

      Delete
  3. OMG... I'm literally in tears as I read this.. well the mistake has already been made.. just try and see if you can go back to your parents house for now, give him an ultimatum to move, if he doesn't I'll advice you move on with your life.. your hubby behaves like an overgrown baby.. mtcheeeeew

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    Replies
    1. Why are you in tears aunty? Dramatic much. Advice she moves on with her life because of accommodation? Sometimes I wonder what y'all think this marriage thing is all about...

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    2. You're dramatic sha... Weti reach cry for the matter? Well as bv Na Wah said, marriage is not a joke at all. This issue hardly calls for separation much less divorce.
      Let's not give advise that we can't take.

      Poster, just manage and gather money silently. The mistake has already been made. How do even have parents and choose to birth your child at your in-law's?
      Dooh sha

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    3. Money is the major problem here, it is a pitiful situation because your husband might not even like staying with them but putting up with agídí because his resources are limited. I pray you can get a better job and God opens door to your husband too so that you you can get your own place but while still waiting for better days try to manage your inlaws except your husband can agree to you going to your parent with no strain in your marriage.

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    4. Hand sanitizer don’t be ridiculous! It’s marriage not a relationship! Inukwa move on with your life! Poster I blame u cos u knew he had nothing nd didn’t have a big apartment yet u still marry , so adjust nd manage ! U had an option not to have married him but u chook head inside, so manage with his parents except u have money to give to him

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    5. After the tears, this is the advice you give?? You shouldn't have cried at all🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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    6. Yes. I wonder what you think marriage is. It’s a partnership, it’s a commitment between two people. No one deserves to be unhappy. I have seen this play out too often. If she doesn’t put her foot down now , she will have chronicles for the rest of her life. She made a mistake though. She dropped her standards . She compromised and married a child.

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    7. @Handsanitizer, how old are you? What's with the tears? Do you have an idea of what the institution of marriage is about?

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    8. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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  4. You have to be humble to your in-laws and do whatever they want,pending the time you get a good job and rent your apartment. Don't be too hard on your hubby,you brought this upon yourself by not being contented with what you had

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    1. Best advice! Poster, just be humble and adjust by making the best of what you have for now. I believe your in-laws too are taking the inconveniences of having you around in good faith and so should you. Life is in phases. Until you have made the optimum this provided for you on a silver platter, a better one might never come.

      Sunny side up.

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    2. What do you mean inconveniences, someone had her belly torn open to bring forth a child that will bear that family's name and this is how you treat her??? Even the 'normal delivery' they're talking about do you think it's easy to recover just like that. And the horse band can't even do anything to atleast ease the stress.
      See poster I blame you for this. I dunno if you were desperate for marriage that you had to jump into this one. On top the face me I slap you, you still went ahead to get pregnant. Sorry oo you either do as your husband has said and manage or go back to your parents house,that one too might even cause another wahala.
      I wonder where you people meet such men cuz love is far from this... good luck dear!

      Delete
  5. Did you say you are a lawyer? I'm sorry to say this but you are either too daft or were too desperate. What is this? I would have expected this type of Chronicle from a primary school leaver who has no source of income but a lawyer? Naaa.

    Look never ever accept less than you deserve, else, you get less than you accept. You will be the 1st person I will ever give this advise to but, it's time you move out. Don't be there and born a 2nd child, move out. Your husband is an idiot who is not grown to be a husband yet. Move out and if he wants the marriage, he will do the needful. Imagine him flaring up when your mum intervened; very disrespectful somebody.

    I'm sorry for sounding harsh but this is annoying. You haven't found a husband yet, this one is a dummy.

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    Replies
    1. Lol @ dummy

      They always say after wedding we will move out, but they don't, this happened to my friend, she was so frustrated eh, she called and complained a lot.

      Her Mil plus sil gave her too much wahala but she stubborn die, she is a nurse, so she start applying for jobs outside Nigeria when she found out her hubby didn't want to move out and was always on the fence.

      She has sha moved to the UK with her family.

      Come and see her on whatsapp update na shading her in laws and posting pepperdem videos and pictures😂😂😂😂, she is a troublesome clown🤣.

      Poster the only way for all this to stop is to move out.

      Delete
    2. Madame koinkoin aka the 'peace maker'28 June 2020 at 16:29

      Haba abeg forgive her with this your hammer, after all the did has been done , na remedy we dey look for eeeeeeh!

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    3. Yes oo, na real dummy, it's better she moves out even if is to her parents house.

      @Gifty, na your friend fits this kind in laws.

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    4. Madam koinkoin, did you say forgive. You think training a child in school to become a lawyer is a small thing? Why didn't she pity her parents before going into this kind of marriage and her mum is being disrespected on top? She should move out.

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    5. Anonymous
      What is wrong with you?

      She is being paid 30k as a lawyer
      Why are you insulting her?

      Please, you didn't even have any reasonable advice to proffer
      Just hurling insults

      KING XOXO MYSTERY

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    6. Move out ke??? The way you guys day this move out think ennnnnnn

      Poster, if you husband doesn't have the money to rent a place, what should he do???

      My own advice is that DO NOT BIRTH another child until this is resolved

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    7. I'm in the same shoes right now and believe me the thing is so tiring......person wey be say you no fit look me for eye ordinarily we come dey rub yansh together for the same house....it's been 4 years now and hubby has finally realised and he seriously want us to move out but wey the money?...i finally got a federal appointment tru hubby and that means i would be earning more than her son and the thing dey pepper dem....i have collected my appointment letter but i have not collected my posting letter due to the recent pandemic...i just thank God because my days are numbered in this house

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    8. Truly do not have another child till all is settled. My friend had to get a job and move out b4 hubby followed her. It was hellish for her. And truly anon is right. Ur husband is a dummy!!

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  6. Please endure and pray luck shines on you, pray for a good job and keep being cordial with your MIL. All the best

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  7. Poster why didn't you guys leave wedding and use the money to get a new apartment?

    Why didn't you advise your husband or both of you advise yourselves that he should meet your people , collect bride price and traditional marriage lists, calculate both and pay them cash?

    Don't you know it would have saved you from unnecessary expenses?

    You are here telling us how you are a good woman that did wedding without bridal train. You for carry bridal lorry..

    In fact , I'm reading to the end.
    You think your hubby is happy living with his parents?

    Poster please and please don't annoy me this afternoon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha, Chike, I don't want to laugh, her situation is serious. Poster, you have to endure, after all you know your husband's situation before you married him. Things are difficult everywhere especially this coronavirus period. Pray that God will make a way for both of you.Please take things easy for your in laws too, they are stressed up too.

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    2. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 no vex abeg.

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    3. @chike.. it's not a bad thing if a woman desires to have a wedding (whether big or small)....why will a woman be smuggled Into a man's house, marriage is not prison or business transaction..
      The thing is CUT YOUR COAT ACCORDING TO YOUR CLOTH"...no do pass yourself

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    4. Chike I'd agree with you to an extent. She wrote like she had a standard which her salary cannot fund. A couple should not be dumb - one has to be a strategist then other a resource. A lawyer? Then something just doesn't add up. When you tell ladies to try and understand who they are dating or getting married to, they'd rather be fighting to know him. Like friend of mine often tells me: our parents are still getting to know themselves.
      The first mistake was encouraging him to move in with his parents. By that, you opened him up to his passive or residual comfort. And when passive individuals inhabit their comfort zones, it's very difficult urging them to walk out of it.
      Secondly, you ought have realised that your husband is mentally weighed down by his patched situation. And needs to be led into his manliness. This type of passive individuals are very difficult to manage. Since you married him this, it means you love him. So be the strategist in your marriage and come up with a better idea to get him out of this wood.
      On your part, you can not be without work and be expecting miracle from a man who is managing. Get up and get out, find something doing. And fit yourself well into your marriage, by taking care of some of the load. Its two people's work. Don't overburden your husband with too much emotional stress. From your write up, you never said he is a bad man. But for his financial predicament.
      He has a passive personality, and that's good for you because you have the power to control his mind. So use it well. Instead of your justified nagging.
      As for your parent in-laws, when you are at the mercy of someone, learn to tolerate them more. Its only for a while, accommodate their criticism and let your behaviour undo it.
      Be prayerful and support him more. This man you described above, needs someone to drive him. So manage his family ego well and lead him into dream. And please, this time no matter how small the accommodation is, manage it. Find something decent and renewable within your range. At the end of the day, you two are responsible for eachother. Not just him.
      I wish you well..

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    5. Mrs Poster, you better follow Ebony Oge's advice.

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    6. Emerald, she should have but her cloth by just paying the bride price and doing ceremony later.....

      If the man doesn't have money, there's nothing she can do!

      Let her just take Ebony's advice and stop stressing herself...

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    7. What Chike is saying is why didn’t she reduce her standards even more than she already did? So now the chronic we be , we can’t pay rent. If you are single , please read this an learn. Don’t get married on promises. DO NOT!!!

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    8. @ Ebony Oge, God bless you for this advice. It's so spot on. I love your mind set and perception to the issue. Chop knuckle!

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    9. @ Ebony Oge, God bless you for this advice. It's so spot on. I love your mind set and perception to the issue. Chop knuckle!

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    10. Wow ebony nice one. And poster do not have a second child till u leave. I am sure if u had known I would have managed that face me I face u. At least u would have ur peace of mind

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    11. Thanks 👏👏👏@Ebony Oge🤝🤝 you've said the truth.
      Poster listen to this here👆

      Delete
  8. This is why many ladies are still single but people will think it's because they don't have sense. There are smart enough not to settle.

    If the life you are living as a single is better than the married life, attaching your destiny to another man will offer you, do yourself a favour and be patient. No late comer in marriage. He married you because no other woman wanted to settle with him when they saw the level of struggle. Women who loved don't mind struggling in the past but it's issues like the one you are going through that resets their brain.

    Even if your parent brings money for you people to move to a new house his parent would advise him to use it for business instead of wasting it to rent a house. One thing you don't know is most times people who don't have much have a different mentality when it comes to how to spend money. Living comfortable is no different to wasting money in their eyes. No matter how much your parent give him you people won't leave that family house. Except your family get the house themselves and ask you both to just move in by yourself. Then what happens when the rents expire and he has to pay for house rent?. They will Still say you are wasting money and hate you. His family is confortable with you staying there. You are also like a househelp to his parents.

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    1. Exactly, how will they sustain the payment of the rent if her parents should help out with the first? except her parents will be responsible for it until they are capable.

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    2. Anonymous Personified28 June 2020 at 16:11

      Anon, you are right!

      Some people are blaming her for straining her relationship with her inlaws forgetting that you can only function well in a toxic-free or comfortable environment.

      I really understand this poster and would advise that she moves to somewhere else, maybe her parent's house temporarily to clear her head and restrategize on the next move to better her life, else, her psychological health worsens.

      I don't know what your husband told you before marriage but you were really blinded by love thinking things would change after marriage but here you are. You and your husband do not have same mindset to life, as he sees you as someone that would always strive to survive and make it big in life without leaving him behind hence what you are facing now.
      I do hope you get a good job or maybe get money to start a little business.

      Ladies should always go with men of like minds who would see you get to your desired heights without being a hinderance.
      Imagine, being comfortable staying with his parents even at this point in his life.

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    3. God bless you anon 15;29, you are very apt

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    4. First mistake she made was marrying the guy after God so kindly revealed to her he had no job. It irks me when women marry a man just to end up struggling out of this failed belief that a good woman builds together with a man. Lie from the pit of hell. Some men are not worth it and some you don't even waste your time testing to see if they are worth it cus it may cost you dearly. You think women waiting for already made man are stupid or unfortunate at love because you married fast before 30. Ok sister

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    5. @16:50 you are on point about that job aspect. I remember TD Jakes once said that God gave Adam a job-- to till the land and take care of the garden-- before bringing him a wife. Job before marriage cos God dignifies labour, and blesses the 'work of our hands'. Man must work.

      @15:29, you are right. Economic classes sometimes affects marriage, when the mind and mentality is different. What is normal to you can be luxury to another. While some may be born poor but they dream big and work hard. And true, successful single ladies should pray for guidance. That decision of a spouse can make or mar your future. I don't believe in marrying for marrying sake. Though we can't get everything we want in a man, I think ladies should make good decisions. Marry for love (ie you're getting love, care and respect from him) , or marry for comfort ( financial and life support) because women have more to lose in Nigerian marriages.

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    6. Anon 15:29, 16:50, NIB, you guys are on point!!!🙏🙏🙏🙏

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  9. marriage these days comes with some much expectations. Poster, kuku source for some money and get out of that toxic place before its get out of hand OK.

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  10. Poster you have to endure a lil bit more,I know you're tired as it is! Just be calm and be cheerful with humility pending when inter state will open so you can travel down to your parents house! Don't give them that satisfaction that you're not happy, maintain a good attitude and do the bits you can while still there

    Sending you strength and love🤗🤗🤗😘

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  11. Dear Poster, pls never ask your parents for the rent of a new place except they will keep paying when the rent is due. Why did you not casually mention how you added 50k to the hospital bills. I dey tire for una women covering up for their husbands. Are your inlaws illiterates. They should be thankful their grandchild is hale and hearty instead of grumbling. I will not advise you go to your parents except you are ready to pack up your marriage. Mamage the situation as best as you can with a lot of prayers. Next thing prayerfully begin to look for any job. So that you can begin to attain some degree of financial independence. All things are possible with God.

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    Replies
    1. Good advice.

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    2. 15: 39 ✅ people that have sense are talking.

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    3. If her parents can afford to give them rent money, they had better jump at it.

      My sister was in a similar situation, her health was beginning to fail, she had a baby and a struggling husband, nobody told us before we paid the rent for them when we saw what she was going through.

      I repeat, If you can get the money, get it and move out for your sanity and peace of mind, before you know It depression will start setting in. You guys have 1 or 2 years to hustle before rent expires.

      Delete
    4. Mali I pity women with these kinds of in laws. CS is what is making the baby big? Illiteracy. As for that 50k u added pls stop covering up for the man and let them know ur money was there. Ur husband is really something else saying ur parents should rent the place. Hian.

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  12. Please manage with them and do as they say till you can raise money to move to your own place with your husband since he is willing to move.

    I don't think going to stay with your parents is a good idea as they may read another meaning to it and poison your husband's mind about you. This might end your marriage. Don't go to your parent's house since they are not maltreating you. God will see you through.

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    Replies
    1. If this marriage ends, is it a bad thing? If the in laws can poison the husband's mind to the stage of ending the marriage, staying with them is just postponing the inevitable. Just saying.

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  13. I really feel pity for u the mistake has allready been made.
    U just hve to endure for now and try not think much about the situation u are facing.

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  14. You have to be patient and endure a little bit longer till your husband is buoyant enough to rent another space for you guys. I know taking care of a baby can be a little draining, if you have a younger sibling or cousin you can call to help you out once in a while.
    Attempt to also make peace with your MIL.

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  15. One sided accusatory story. MIL's probably branded winch as usual.
    😏😏😏😏

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    Replies
    1. If you don't have any advise for her, why not zip it and keep it moving?

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    2. Most mil's see you as a competition....my mil is practically useless,she only bathe the baby and thats all..na you go cook for about 8 people and wash for her.I no dey look her face again oo,if you like talk from morning till night am in my room,i no say she no fit beat me...the most interesting thing is hubby does not support her if she is wrong and the thing dey pain her.

      Delete
    3. @17:17
      So sorry my comment upset you, don't mean it so.
      All I can say is that What Stella wrote is true. Be patient and
      look up to God but do all you can to be at peace with your MIL.
      Women are powerful.

      Delete
  16. Your husband sounds like my husband. I fell out with my inlaws too because they came to my house to control me. If I walk, problem. I eat, problem. I sleep, problem. I didn't bring baby out for visitors to touch /see, problem. 8 didn't give fil breakfast at 6am, problem. I didn't give him pillow to rest his legs, problem. At a point I started being me. I stopped trying so hard since my efforts were never appreciated and hubby wasn't doing and saying anything in my support. I mind my lane now. Look for money and leave with your child. Your hubby is not a man.

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    Replies
    1. But you are still in your husband’s house. Why will she leave? Have you left yours ? Nigerian women, one of the worst out there.They advice they give,they will never accept

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  17. i keep telling people, nobody will love you more than your own people, no mother/father-inlaw will love you more than their son or daughter.. my dear.. just amend the amendable then save money and leave with your hubby

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    Replies
    1. Of course Nah... Even you talking...can you love your your DIL or SIL more than your child?
      I laugh whenever people bring report her and say after everything it was their son they supported. Very wicked statement! So silly You expect someone to love you more than their child?because that is what your statement implys
      What were you expecting?
      After everything my MIL and FIL too supported their daughter even when it was glaring she was wrong. She is their daughter what do I expect🚶‍♂️

      Delete
  18. Chike Teflon,I knew your true misogyny would come out one day. enwe.

    Poster,Fantastic woman. You have done well so far. Can you have a little more patience? the only way out is for you to go back to work and make money to leave. I m very happy to hear that you are educated and have a job. baby is 8 months and can be left. Please go back to work. That's the only way to stop this nonsense. That thing wey you de see,your husband no de see am. so sorry you are going through this

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  19. Sorry you're going through this cos financial issues can be frustrating. Living with inlaws is never a jolly ride and then, some Nigerian parents want to be receiving from their kids in their elderly age, not still giving. Your inlaws are frustrated due to tight finances. It is rare to find struggling people who have joy. Lack is frustrating, plus it is their house. First, you need to just be obedient to them for peace to reign. Then, you and hubby need to plan how to increase your finances before moving out. Cos moving out, raising a family, all of that is money consuming. You MUST have a plan.

    And you're right about singles going for "what they want".. I'd call it making good decisions. If you have low earning power, it is wise to marry someone with a higher earning power and so on. Earning power is calculated via degrees, job experience plus savings. Two low income individuals shouldn't get married.

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  20. Nne, get a job, zip up (no more kids till you sort yourself out) save up, and pack out of there.
    Your sanity may very well depend on it.
    If he (your husband wants to join you, fine, if he likes he can still stay with his parents and be eating 'Mummy thank Ma'

    You are a lawyer for crying out loud. You should be more assertive and more goal-driven.
    Get your head straight girl

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  21. What did I just read, did you say you are a lawyer. Is like you just heard marriage and your sense evaporated with the word. I can't just believed what I just read. Women please always learn to change everything you need to before marriage and don't allow any man sweet talk you about any bogus future or else you will end up this way.

    See let me tell you, better don't give that man any money because he will never move, better rent the apartment yourself

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    Replies
    1. Your last statement, GBAM! To him, why should he go rent a place when Daddy and Mummy's place is available? Your hubby has no sense of independence. You know what they say about marriage being 'leaving and cleaving'? Your husband hasn't left yet. What you need the most now are three Ps - Patience, Prayers and Peace of mind. These are the virtues that you would need to develop very quickly to overcome this situation and you can't have one without the other. Don't always be so desperate to move out or move on from a bad situation coz most times, we tend to jump at the slightest opportunity, which may not be the best for us just like you did when you agreed to move in with your in-laws. Wouldn't it have been better if you had stayed in your one room and had your peace of mind? You need to get your hubby on the same page with you on this issue because the enemy will use the slightest chance of disharmony to enter and wreak havoc. Please make a decision to not worry or be distressed at least for the sake of your baby. Calm down, act humbly, be polite, do the best you can do and leave the rest with God. You'd see how He'd make a way for you.

      Delete
  22. @Liz don talk finish. Humble yourself madam. If you can live with aunt and families or room mate in school and be tolerant, you can pull through this too. You kept saying before marriage you told hubby to get a place. If he had money he would but you know his pocket so why blame him so much or is he hiding anything. For your wedding, you mentioned that an average Nigerian girl wouldn't settle for that. I don't know if I'm average by your standards, my registry wedding cost N17k in total and I withdrew N20k from my account. I did traditional first in my father's house and cooked food enough for everyone that came, nothing extra, many people's birthday are bigger than my traditional. Our pastor prayed for us in his office before the traditional on a Saturday after cleaning the church. It was not anything special. We didn't do white wedding cos we don't believe in it,na white man tradition and not scriptural, Bible only emphasized on bed not defiled. So we were on same page with that one. The registry was done years later sef. The Koko, we were earning up to a N1million a month from our first day together we just dont believe on spending on wedding. We have people that we pay for their tuition and give our parents allowance no matter how small and we invested in our self too, yeah plus holiday. You of all people know what he earns and what he can afford. So bear with him or level up so you can support him to get a new apartment for the family. Erase that he promised to get, you are working as a team here. You are one now and both of you are responsible for your upkeep and the standard of living you want.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poster don’t take this advice. For you and your husband to be one, you both have to believe you are one. I have a marriage where my husband and I agree on everything so we are one. On the flipside , my Father never agreed or listened to anything my mother said . He took all instructions from his family. I saw my mum suffer for too long. She stayed but was unhappy almost all the time. That might be your story

      Delete
    2. Anon thank u. Poster ignore this advice I beg!!

      Delete
    3. But what is wrong with this advice? They need to work as a team abi not so? Even if she leaves that house,does that mean the end of the marriage?

      Delete
  23. The truth is, it is really not easy to live with inlaws. But my grandmother is happily living with her two daughter inlaws without much ado.any time she comes up with any argument, they will politely tell her she is old school.she will just live them and go her way.though they live in the same compound but each to her flat. If you can give deaf ears to all those their complaints and resolve to Ur self that these inlaws will never make Ur anger go over board. My dear it is never easy but you can help Ur self. If they bring up about the money paid for the csection, politely tell Ur own money was equally added for the payment too. Some times, politely tell them what they do that u dnt like. With time, you will get use to them and it won't give up headache again.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Life is already filled with ups and downs, don't let anything rob you of your happiness.

    Here is what to do, try as much as possible to live peaceably with them, Do your best and leave the rest, when they complain don't argue with them, then also PRAY fervently and consistently. God would bless you with a good Job soonest and make your hubby see reasons for a move (the heart of Kings are in His hands).

    If you feel overwhelmed, then visit your parents and stay for some days. You need to be in good health and sound mind to pull through this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! This is what I told her up there. She needs to be patient, at peace and prayerful.

      Delete
  25. Hmmm, do you have any savings kept somewhere that you can use to rent a one bedroom apartment?

    Do you have anyone that can loan you with no pressure to pay back?

    Your hubby doesn't seem like he wants to move out anytime soon, you are the one uncomfortable, you are the one unhappy so you see, for your sanity and peace, raise the money If you can and move out.

    Accommodation should have been sorted before marriage, very important.

    As for your parents in law, try and get along with them till you move out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I forgot to add, you can intensify your job search, put a hold on getting pregnant before another belle go enter, can you teach? Look at lesson teacher or something else you can do.

      Delete
    2. Rent the same one room she ran away from? The funny thing is that she knew his financial capacity before dating and marrying him. She shud not expect a miracle without hardwork.

      Delete
  26. I feel so much for you poster ☹
    I understand that part of putting the blame on you because you has cs.
    I remembered when I had at my first cs,all the blame was on me especially from the other side ,I nearly fell into depression. Thanks to my mum and hubby,after the 2nd one I hid it from everyone except hubby and mum...Th thi k those people that mocked me the first time started singing my praise calling me"strong woman".
    Dear poster ,please follow Stella's advice for the sake of your Health.
    Things will definitely turn out fine

    ReplyDelete
  27. This marriage thing ehn

    ReplyDelete
  28. My dear Poster,this is the time to apply all the wisdom and patience necessary,the deed has been done already.
    Prepare to go to ur parents' as soon as its safe to (for the sake of ur mental health).
    In the meantime, pray,be very nice(even if means pretending) to your MIL and FIL so that when you decide to take a break at your parents, they wont read any meanings into it. From your description of your Husband up there, you need to be in good terms with your inlaws plus you need a good job asap.Finally,be firm but nice with your husband. Its well with you.

    ReplyDelete
  29. You'll have to be patient. A beggar has no choice. At this point, there's not much you can do. You really messed up sha. Was it desperation or what?? A lawyer? Ha!! Anyways.. Try to live peacefully with your inlaws even if you'll have to swallow a lot of things and act like a mumu. Keep applying for jobs, hopefully you get something good soon so you can move out. Please don't ask your parents for the rent. If they pay for this year's rent would they pay for the next? Also no need moving in with them except you're ready for your marriage to end.

    Single ladies please learn from this chronicle!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Your husband no get money, him still be mummy's boy.
    Foolishness is doing him.. Lol

    ReplyDelete
  31. Poster where do you want him to get money to rent when he has no job,you should even thank God you people can eat food.
    You need to mend the relationship with your inlaws so as peace to reign. Do it even if it means you playing dump. You need peace its either you create it or move out to your own apartment.
    How men change after marriage is not a new thing, whether money is involved or not Its been so from beginning. You have married you either work it out or leave finally. About that lowering of standard it never pays. Go for what you want always so when things don't go right your regret won't be doubled.

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  32. One thing every married woman should know is that your husband will never take your side against his family. Even if he sees them putting otapiapa in your tea he will look away and pretend he didn't see. Enter marriage with the mindset that it is only you and your God. When we got married my mother in-law always referred to me as 'this girl' of she wants to call me she will say "bia nwa" hahaha. Me, nwa. Meanwhile her own daughters are nne. When they spent 2 months in our house their daughter called to tell me to not restrict her from my kitchen. First night they arrived o. That I should allow her parents eat anything they like. Me sef shock because I wasn't even thinking anything, I was just happy my in-laws where around. Omo when they started showing their self me sef believe. Single ladies, please don't marry from any family that have hungry mind. Even when they make small money the Hunger is still in their body. I rest my case.


    Madam poster, just look for a job and make yourself happy. Remove moving out from your mind. When you start earning you can get a help that will do all the chores for you. Those people cannot afford to loose their live in cook and maid(you) plus money no dey to rent house.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Poster,be true to yourself. Do you love this man? Do you know him at all? Why is it so difficult to understand his situation? Does he have money and doesn't want to spend it? From your narrative, the man in struggling and houses don't come cheap. He is lucky to have a family that has a house and also willing to accommodate you guys. That is some sort of cost savings which he can then invest for a better future.
    You earn next to nothing but want the good life. It will come but please be patient. Don't even stress the man. Men are not like women oh. Small stress dey scatter them well. Do your part by making amends with your in-laws.Let peace reign. Pray for him. If possible, drop baby for MIL and go hustle too. You should be aiming at cutting expenses and increasing income.
    If you had a son struggling,living uncomfortably, working so hard to pay rent and other bills, will you fold your hands or help out. Find the role you are expected to play in the whole scenario and play it well. That is what you signed up for when you said 'for better, for worse'. Manage with him. Trust me, even he isn't too excited about it, just that he sees it as his best option for now.
    Allow him lead. You trusted him to make him your husband. Stop reporting him up and down to people that are perhaps even worse. Na broke him broke. .. And no condition is permanent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with most of your advice except this - "You earn next to nothing but want the good life.". Please there's nothing wrong with her, a full-grown, married professional wanting her own home, her own comfortable space to raise her own family and it's the man's job to provide that. It's just coz of poverty in the country. It's not an ideal situation to be living with your parents-in-law. Where in the world does this happen? This is why it's good for a woman to have her own. But even if she doesn't, the man should also be understanding coz his parents treat him differently than they do her.
      Both of them need to show understanding in this matter.

      Delete
    2. But @Dre, Lady Taylor has said the truth, the poster knew that she was marrying a jobless man so she should be ready to be extremely patient and search for a better job as he is also doing. Not sure why they couldn't wait for some stability before getting married but since they have done so,no need crying over spilled milk. @poster don't give birth to more children and focus your energy on getting a better job and encourage your husband to do same, the fact that you studied law doesn't mean you have to practice it, expand your job search and God be with you

      Delete
  34. You should av wrote to ask advice before u moved to ur parent in laws house. No matter how nice dey seems there is bound to be conflict and they will say it's ur fault. When I was newly married we stayed in my hubby family house and we moved out after 2 years.although it's more than ten years we've moved from the family house. That was the worst two years of my life.remebering all what I went through still brings tears to my eyes as hubby is d type d will support his family over his wife.i eventually moved to my parents house with kids and told him that whenever he rents his apartment he should come and carry me and d kid. Dts d wake up call he needed. @poster try and make peace with it in laws. Na see finish cause am. U can still go to ur parents for a while for few weeks to de-stressed but don't pack all ur clothes while going so they won't get d wrong ideas.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Thank God you have learnt yout lessoon and pointed out your fault. So no need to dwell on that. Why not ask your parents to borrow you money to rent at least a room self contain. 200k can sort that out. While you wait for money, try and do whatever your parents in law want to let peace rain. Manage and just endure till you mpve out. You see in life, sometimes you have to just look away and behave like a fool to get what you want. Don't worry, you have a life time to be happy. Endure now and try and look for money to move. If your husband can't be borthered, look for money, borrow from your parents. You are a lawyerx, you can get company registration jobs that can fetch you some money. Open a IG page for company registration, do CAC jobs. You can raise enough money with few CAC jobs. 250k will give you a good apartment in some places in Lagos

    ReplyDelete
  36. 'Anon 16:32, I wish you were my sister and gave me this advise before hand! na God go bless you.
    'Single ladies, please don't marry from any family that have hungry mind. Even when they make small money the Hunger is still in their body' epic advise.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. More like a poverty mentality household.

      Delete
  37. Everybody is shouting be patient. No one has addressed the posters' mental state. This is why women will keep getting the short end of the stick. Poster I have nothing to say to you. I am sure you've been doing shakara to you single friends. Did you come here for for advice before getting married. ? Please don't 'angry' me! Very soon you will get pregnant with baby number two. I repeat don't 'angry' me.

    ReplyDelete
  38. You did both traditional and white wedding and you are poor. What is wrong with you people? I have a very good job that brings in more than a million a month, hubby is medical doctor that earns a decent salary, yet we did traditional and court with 4 witnesses.

    Meanwhile, who pays a lawyer 30K? This is pure wickedness. Why none of my kids will study law in school except as a side course to compliment their jobs.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Poster I am a bit co fused cos from what u wrote your husband doesn’t have money to rent house, so what do u want him to do? U married a jobless man staying in one room and now u want to live in a flat. You laid your bed, so lay on it

    ReplyDelete
  40. Dear poster, am a lawyer like you but in all sincerity you need to double your hustle, marriage is good, but being financially buoyant before marriage is better,expand your hustle don't wait for the proverbial white collar job,there are business opportunities right under your nose, stop using corona virus as an excuse,use your time with your in-laws and plan ahead,if going to court doesn't pay try other fields of law and business,stop hanging your financial destiny on your husband,marriage isn't poverty allievation programme,please let not your 5 years in university plus 1year law school be in vain,God forbids if your husband isn't in this world again won't you still survive,think about the future of your baby and act fast.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Dear poster, am a lawyer like you but in all sincerity you need to double your hustle, marriage is good, but being financially buoyant before marriage is better,expand your hustle don't wait for the proverbial white collar job,there are business opportunities right under your nose, stop using corona virus as an excuse,use your time with your in-laws and plan ahead,if going to court doesn't pay try other fields of law and business,stop hanging your financial destiny on your husband,marriage isn't poverty allievation programme,please let not your 5 years in university plus 1year law school be in vain,God forbids if your husband isn't in this world again won't you still survive,think about the future of your baby and act fast.

    ReplyDelete
  42. let me tell u woman ,ur husband in the other hand thougth u have enough saving that when u see is not capable u will help out rather u are presurising him , decide this day how ur tomorrow will be otherwise people like this no send you oo

    ReplyDelete
  43. This poster, see what you've done to yourself, now people are telling you to be patient, endure and I've even seen a comment saying "a beggar has no choice". You are now a beggar to people and probably to your inlaws just because you were too foolish in love, desperate or just plain stupid. If I were your parents, I will ask you to refund all that I spent on you in law school, nonsense. You better not have another child in that situation, move out until your husband man up. Also remember mental health is real; move out and pray to get a better paying job.

    ReplyDelete
  44. The most important nuggets of advice I can give now are:

    - Have a bulletproof birth control and insist on condoms in addition. The biggest mistake you can make right now is getting pregnant again. Don't bring another kid into this situation and don't make escaping more difficult for yourself and your husband. Such a situation can even discourage people from assisting you.

    - Truth is except for your parent's place, there is no other option for accomodation since you don't have the funds. People are having a hard time all round. If you borrow money to rent a place that isn't a shop, how would you pay back? Set your alarm and greet the in-laws how they want, meet at least 60 percent of their reasonable demands so they can not deny that you are not trying. Start seeking better opportunities as a lawyer or engaging in trade. Do something to boost your income and sit down with your husband so both of you can have a plan to increase BOTH OF YOUR INCOMES.

    Whatever you are able to get, even if it's a face me I face you, get it and bolt. A hut that is yours is better than a mansion in which you are not free. This man was able to pay for a single room but you wanted what he did not have despite knowing his condition. Now you are stuck. Did your parents not know about his pocket and your address when you got married? Why didn't you plan to have your baby at your parents so your mother doesn't have to travel down. There are people whose mothers are dead who also put to bed. There would have been other options.

    -This is not the kind of man you bring your salary at the end of the month so you can build together. He seems comfortable living off of people . The idea of squatting in the house he gree up in and waiting for his parents to die so he can inherit is a serious sign. If you go and rent a fancy two bedroom so you can show his parents when you have a bit of money, his only contribution would be to invite his relatives to come and squat and frustrate you there. Of you complain, he will tell you to ask your parents to contribute. Let there be no joint account in your future. Live according to his pocket even if things pick up for you. Put money aside andlet his family know of the contributions you make to the home since he won't tell them or chest out for you. Don't put your kids in expensive schools or school activities he can't afford- you are likely to be the breadwinner for a long time. Never play your hand openly. I wish you the best.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Poster why did you marry this man? He didn't deceive you about his poverty, you knew he was jobless and that you were underemployed but still married him, so this is the part where you are doing for worse baby girl. Manage it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True, but the guy runs a family business. I don't think that business is doing well.

      Delete
  46. Hmmm...I made the same mistake o. I moved into husbands family house but that was because my in laws had relocated to the village. However ,they came for the church wedding and refused to go back to the villa. Na so my wahala start. My MIl who had earlier proclaimed her love for me literally made a u-turn to the point. There was a day that I didnt go to work being a public holiday so I decided to go and make my hair, she said no. That it's my SILs birthday (they weren't marking it o) so I should stay at home. Of course I didnt. She kept malice with me because of that. Another day, I bought pineapple on my way back from work, with my own money o. She said next time its oranges I should buy so that everyone with eat and enjoy.
    In fact, if i say i should talk about all the things my eyes saw, i wont stop writing tonight.
    Guess what? When we moved out to our own apartment, they abandoned their family house one by one and moved in with us under the guise of coming to visit and take care of baby.

    One thing i did was to pray and endure...when God felt I had passed the test, by himself he took them out of my house and I was left in peace to enjoy my marital home.

    Poster just be patient! Dont allow them to make you a bitter resentful woman. See, if it's not your in laws, there will still be other challenges...face them squarely and prayerfully. Better days will come.

    Finally, please you need to be careful for your own health PLEASE. Too many women develop hbp due to marriage/unlawful stress. Stay strong and healthy for yourself and your little one.

    May God be with you 💕

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You tried. I no fit live for In-law house and i won't allow them to live with me. Visit and go.

      Delete
  47. Yeah you got it right there,never lower your standards for anything,first have a standard,what did you even marry for?love, companionship,money?cos I can see nada,oh I forgot,you wanted to have a man,okay the Bible says two is better than one but not in this case,your story is complicated,where do you start from,did you come to this world to suffer,what is all this mess,jisos!people love stress o,never give chance to anything that will steal your peace,select advices up there cos right now I can't advice you,I hate when people marry for the wrong seasons,sorry

    ReplyDelete
  48. Single ladies learn from which chronicle?@Anonymous,I bet you ain't talking to naija girls,ndi team my man🤣😂😅

    ReplyDelete
  49. Ladies pls up your game,don't settle for scrap,try and upgrade all around and set a standard for yourself,jeeez!!!!

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  50. No one with a standard will settle for this☝️!no one with self worth will go below cut off Mark!Jesu!




    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abi o , my sister. She was seeing the POVERTY glaringly . Would postponed the marriage till things pik up.

      Delete
  51. I get time,.....pls you come first,for your peace a d sanity,borrow money and move into a cheap self control,cause if you remain there,your blood pressure will keep risingnow you know what that implies your peace and sanity first,you can't make any amendment until u move out,start planning how to fast

    ReplyDelete
  52. Don't forget to pray, pray and pray. God will heal your home and settle you. Be patient and see God make you achieve the expected result.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Was in a similar situation but God saw me through, girl if you pay for rent you shall continue to pay till eternity, get a job or join a chamber on PRO bono basis to get contacts and upgrade yourself, make your self very scarce

    ReplyDelete
  54. A lawyer? Please look for anoda job ,if you can earn 150k , pls move out from there, rent a mini flat. But why you marry this kind of man sef?

    ReplyDelete

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