Hmmmm.....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
CONFUSED MUM
Good Afternoon everyone,
I am divorced but I and my ex have been co-parenting peacefully, in fact our children dont know we are no longer together,They feel we are just leaving separately.
I can't go because of what they did during the fracas that led to the divorce.
I wouldn't mind,if the vacation was his own base because since we went our separate ways,this people never called to check up on their grandkids/cousins,they don't even know if their son is doing everything a father should do to them.
I and my ex, we are still close but I am scared of releasing them. The kids are aged 3 and 7,they have never stayed away from mummy,the older one already said she is not going.
Should I force them to go?
Or I should persuade their dad to allow them grow older?
Thanks ma'am.
I was you, I will not allow them go at alll...better to avoid anything that will make you regret..... Wait for them to be older, there is no emergency at all.....My dear, do not let them go eeeeeeeeh---Even if its means saying they are down with Malaria!
Please don’t forget that the kids are as much ur ex husband's as they are yours. If u allow ur kids to spend time with ur family, there’s no moral justification to stop them from spending time with his family. If they’ve never been violent or abusive towards ur kids, I see no reason why you should deny ur husband this request.
ReplyDeleteNice advise. Poster you said ur ex is nice person. Clear your doubts all will be well. If u keep hold the children you continue even if they older
DeleteThis! 👌
DeleteI think you should allow them to go but if you are so concerned let every offense go and go on this vacay with them to keep an eye on things. Their father has right over them too
DeleteThanks Eka,My fear is that this people have never called to ask after them.They don't even know I and their dad are at peace.
DeleteI dey fear oooo,
I already accept us staying together in a hotel in our residence for vacation.
My own concern is that kids are still very young. I can't trust anyone to look after my kids th3 same way I would, hence I can't let my kids out of my sight for days.
DeleteMy advice is either you put your issues with his family aside and go on the vacation with them, or you don't let them go.
DeletePoster, you better listen to this advice. This is how some of you will push away your ex from their kids and then turn around and call them sperm donors when they are gone.
DeleteI agree with Stella on this. They are still too young, except you will go with them. Their father loves them but will he be on hand to supervise them all the time? If you knew exactly where and how they would be looked after, it might help in your judgement. At least when they are older, they would be wiser and able to look after themselves better and express themselves better.
DeleteInstincts are always right
DeleteMy fear is that this people have never called to ask after them.
DeleteQuestion: Who should they ask about them from? You or their Son/male relative, the father of the children? Are you on speaking terms with them? Have you called them to ask about the welfare of any of them?
They don't even know I and their dad are at peace.
Question: What if your ex has updated them?
Work on resolving and finding solutions to the issue or tell their father you would not release them to stay with his family, and make alternative suggestions.
You do not want him to know you still harbour hatred for his family but you want to keep the children away from him on that basis. Fair?
Poster is naturally reacting to what the family did to break up her marriage. Does that mean she habours hatred for her ex husband's family? Does she not have a right to be cautious concerning her kids? I have noticed you on various posts concerning women, but the constant thing in all your posts anon, is that you try to appear balanced but always end up blaming the woman. In posts where men blatantly do wrong you NEVER address their deeds, but instead after trying to appear balanced you still at the end blame the woman involved. You accuse female commenters of gender wars, but that is what you always end up doing yourself. Defending men only, so I guess you are a man trying by all means, whether wrong or right to support your gender. Welldone you have been noticed. If you like deny, but you are easy to spot because you always react the same way in your comments.Continue!👏🏾
DeleteIt's either you go with them or they don't go at all. Don't let your children out of your sight. The world is desperately wicked.
DeleteStella is seconded thirded and fourthed. Find an excuse that would not ruin the friendship between you two.
ReplyDeleteA resounding NO! A big No in every way. I don't care what those relatives did to you during the divorce but until your children are old enough to speak properly and care for themselves to a certain extent, they only stay with their father.
ReplyDelete3 and 7 yrs old, Nahhhh, If you won't be with your kids to supervise and protect them, then do not release them to anyone, Do not try it.
ReplyDeleteA woman released her children to the husband's mother based on husband's instructions during Christmas holiday like this, before you know it, they called to inform her that her first son collapsed and died . Just like that, now she's left with a son and two daughters.Thank God she has more kids.My dear,hold your children.Anywhere you are and your kids are not with you, except when they are in school,my dear,abort mission.
ReplyDeleteTHANK GOD SHE HAS MORE KIDS? Na wa o!! I don't why this sounded so so insensitive. Children are not objects or commodities you thank God for their replacability please.
DeleteGet out with your insignificance
DeleteThey are teaching you to be respectable human and you’re saying get out.
DeleteShebi dey for replace you?
One of the things I find by intriguing is how co-parenting can be done peacefully and successfully but the marriage on the other hand, couldn't withstand the storm.
ReplyDeleteLol
DeleteTruth is some of us - men and women - want the benefits of marriage without its restrictions.
DeleteMr. Mann
Naso we see am my brother,our marriage broke down due to third party putting mouth in our issues but after the divorce just the both of us makes decisions.
DeleteWe fight,we disagree but we settle because nobody is allowed to put mouth now.
I guess we weren't ready for marriage then.
A good father/mother may not make a good husband/wife, period! Its easier with the children sometimes, they are ones blood and young and malleable but an adult partner doesn't come with these credits sometimes.
DeleteAre you both still single if yes work on yourselves and give the marriage another go all the best dear
Delete3years old is too young na, not even in the state you live where you can easily get to when there's need for you to. Please don't allow them go. The father can go see his people probably spend Christmas with them, then come back and spend the remaining part of the holiday with his kids.
ReplyDeletePlease my dear sister if the said they are not going please don't force them. Prevention is better than cure.
ReplyDeleteNo child of mine has ever or will ever stay under a roof where I am absent. If I am not present there, they are going nowhere. I don't even care whose ox is gored. You already have a bad precedent with their paternal family, so there's no guarantee that they might not pass aggression on your kids. Anything could go wrong and people will still say where was the mother when it happened. Better safe than sorry.
ReplyDeleteWas she married to the paternal family?
DeleteAs usual with most chronicles here, that was added to ground her decision to say no.
She says her ex (the father of the children) has been co-parenting so well with her,. So, what are his family to discuss with her to deserve the stray shade?
Anon16:03,I am not shading anyone,please.
DeleteYes ooo anon you are spotted.
DeleteThey are still too young to be left alone given the situation with your in laws. Plead with your ex to give it time especially since he might not be available always to monitor them. Remind him that times have changed and no one can be trusted with another’s offspring so easily.
ReplyDeleteSince he will be there, let them go. Or tell him of your concerns with womanly charm, no use beef.. sweet talk him, bat your lashes🤭, maybe he can go with the bigger child and let the 3yo stay with you.
ReplyDeleteSeems the bigger child doesn't want to go.
DeleteAllow them to go no bi only you get the children.
DeleteThe most complex B
Abeg your kids are still young o
ReplyDeleteWho will bath them?
That is what you should be thinking
My dear when they are old enough to take care of themselves
You can release them
Shikina..
It is well
What if the father bathes them normally abi when they spend time with the dad, who bathes them?
Delete@Eka Joy
DeleteIf the Father is ready to bath them no .p
Which Niger man get time to bath him pinkin
For now self we do not know which gender is 7 or 3 years of age..
To me oo if the mother is ready to release them
Let her go with the kids and look for a very close hotel ..
17:18
Delete"Which Niger man get time to bath him pinkin"
We generalize much here especially against men and in favour of women or give women much benefit of the doubt.
Far back early 70s, I know a work at home father who use to carry his babies tied on his back as women do traditionally as he went about his work. That was even in the village.
That was long before it became fashionable for men to carry babies to church in baby carriers, etc.
So many men raised their children (without nannies or girlfriends or remarrying) when their marriage collapsed.
What is hard beyond a man in raising a child who has been weaned?
Spotted
DeleteChika, my husband bathes his kids when he’s available to do it. All my friends husbands do same, my sister’s husband does same. P.S they are all Nigerian men
DeleteAnon 17:18 keep arguing with Nigerians and their one way thinking
DeleteOhhhh Eka Joy dearie I hear you ooooo
DeleteYou Win...🤸🤸🤸
Email you are lucky. My ex husband refused to bath or change nappy EVER.
DeleteNne, Biko Find an Excuse ooooo
ReplyDeleteMba mba mba ooooo Biko. Except you Change your mind to go with them. Tell their Daddy that the 3year old will not eat without You. Since the other one doesn't want to go, Then case closed oooo
Biko
Sit down with ex and explain ur fear to.him. explain to him that the kids are still young and being their mum you know them better, they might not be comfortable without u their mum been there.
ReplyDeleteEx may say so you don't trust my family? Are you trying to paint them black by suggesting they cannot take care of my kids?
DeleteOnly release them if you know your ex is very caring in terms of bathing the kids, caring for them before you broke up, otherwise I don't feel comfortable leaving my kids with people that didn't care to check on them when you left your husband.
ReplyDeleteI will decline except the holiday will be in his house.
ReplyDeleteStella dis ur advise no be here o. Poster said the ex is a nice person. Madam it is first time been away with their father. God is in control. Do not worry all will be well. Imagine the tables wey turned. Will you be happy. Do not build negative tots into the children.
ReplyDeleteNa woman get pikin.
ReplyDeleteTheir father na alabaru to pay the bills.
When a man walks away after divorce, he is shamed all over or before those who know him deadbeat.
When he stays to carry the alabaru load, he still has no (or no full) rights to them like their mother who owns the children.
Even the Bible (in Ecclesiastes) says life no balance.
Calm down
DeleteEven if they were still together sending them to dads family without mom would be hard
My niece is 4 and this will be the first time, her mom will leave her with just us for a few days
In her case, she sees us all the time
I don’t think her mom would send her to the grandma that she only talks to on phone
Na wa ooo. Spotted.
DeleteIt's no no for me,except I am there.
ReplyDeleteThank you Stella for posting,
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone,
I really appreciate you all!
Poster.
Poster do not let your kids go, find an excuse, a good one so he won’t feel bad. Don’t explain any fears to him to avoid future problems.
DeleteCongrats on having a cordial relationship with him
DeletePoster, put away any feelings and go with your children. Stay in a hotel nearby and drop them off every day and pick them at night
DeleteThey are young pls but I see your exs side too
ReplyDeleteWho will be there in that house? I don’t like the idea of having kids away from you this young and in a different state
Abi you will get Airbnb and go stay close by then be taking them over everyday
As long as the dad will be with the kids all throughout their stay,I think you should let them go.
ReplyDeletelet them explore something new.you can have video calls with them daily to know how they are faring.you may not let them stay too long before going to pick them up.
Balanced. Well said.
DeleteI'll advise you keep your children, they are too young.
ReplyDeletePoster, if your kids must go, then you have to go as well ( try to ignore what they did to you, just for the duration of the vacation).
ReplyDeleteYou can't send your kids there alone, I know their father loves them, but he might not be with them 24/7, and at such times, he would leave them in the care of his relatives ( which he "trusts" love him and them), even if these relatives had been lovely towards you, I'd still advise you were there (because you can't see peoples true feelings towards you). But this is even worse because they never pretended to care or love them in the first place.
Once again, go with your kids. Their father deserves this time with them as well. So see it as a sacrifice you areaking for your kids and their Dad.
Mhilda
No no no they are very small and maybe influenced to turn against you ma use your brain
ReplyDeletePlease don’t let them go ! Don’t ! It’s a festive season and their dad won’t be with them 24/7 and since it’s a family thing , someone will volunteer to bath them and that’s where the danger comes in.
ReplyDeleteSo many sick and abusive people on the prowl and more so a 3yr old is too young to be left alone , so please find an excuse to not let them go !
You don’t have to tell your ex husband about your inhibitions concerning his family but please don’t let them go ! 3yrs old ? Naaah
Or you go with them except he’s married. Abi.
ReplyDelete3&7yrs are young to be left alone, since you're not in talking terms with the family, aside from their father who else will you be calling to check up on them?unless if they have a Nanny that can go with them except that NO, I'm more concerned people living in that environment their character and behavioural pattern the children will learn from if left alone.
ReplyDeleteThe issue for me is not that they will physically harm the children but the little sly remarks and statements ppl love to utter around children. If these ppl treated you poorly I would not trust them with the products of my body,
ReplyDeleteI get that he wants the children around, but I couldn’t do it, especially since they have made no effort to ask after them or seem interested in their lives.
@Poster my advice to you is ...FOLLOW them to his parents. I understand you are hurt... You can lodge in a hotel with them..In the morning they spend time with the parents , in the evening you all go back to the hotel...But if you are not going to go with them DO NOT release them to their fathers people biko.....
ReplyDeleteSometimes it baffles me how caring for children is regarded as the ultimate preserve of women/mothers. I carried all my children (boys and girls), bathed them, cooked their meals without waiting for their mother. I would even wake up at night to check them, change diapers, take then to the rest room, etc.
ReplyDeletePlease give me/fathers a break! Despite all I did, my grown up children still give their mother highest priority. And I'm not jealous.
And I'm a Nigerian man. Once again, we deserve a break, please!
Good you have great paternal instincts and was a 200% involved father. I don’t see how your story relates to the chronicle. You have to address these issues with your grown children. They were there when you were doing for them so they should remember your labours. If you are in pain then also seek counselling. Since they are grown the relationship should have transitioned to even one of friendship now. They should be sharing their life’s journey with you and asking for your opinions on things. You should be enjoying fatherhood with them in a different way.
DeleteThe BV has stated having a very good relationship with her ex, so good in fact the children are unaware they have broken up. The BV has stated her ex is a very good father and he is not denied access to his children. The issue is this trip which would not be a problem if it was only the ex who were taking them away, meaning she has no problem with their father spending quality time alone with them even on vacation. There is nothing in the chronicle that says the father is not respected or loved by either the BV or the children.
Anon you’re well put together. I love it. Poster, it seems everyone has forgotten the age of sexual abuse on minors we live in.
Delete3 year ol????
Even though you have a good relationship with your ex , the kids are too young to be left alone there without your surpervision..
ReplyDeleteDon't allow them to go
Please, they are too young to go by themselves. It’s either you go with them or wait for them to be older. Their dad might not notice what you as a woman will. I wish you guys well as you co-parent in peace
ReplyDeleteEUM Cali
Most men don't know how to take care of children as much as parents can. The minute he removes his eyes from.thr kids, anything can happen. Please since you guyz are still close, beg him to allow them grow a little bit more. I pray he understands
ReplyDeleteGo with the children plsssss
ReplyDeletePoster listen to your instinct and to the instincts of your kids period. Take kai
ReplyDelete