Some many months ago, I met this beautiful sister in the church, we are both sanctuary keepers but she's new, I noticed that while she was cleaning, she was mumbling prayers and was crying too...
I ignored her and continued with my cleaning......we got to the toilet, she begged me to let her clean all the toilets alone that she needed it, I told her that my life is nothing different from this toilet and I needed it too, so we both decided to clean it together....After the whole cleanup, we were heading home when I noticed her at my back, she urged me to stop, I stopped, she came close and asked if we could talk, I said no problem, she asked if God answers prayers in my church? She said that someone directed her to my church that God does wonders there, I told her it's her faith that brings miracles for her not church or pastor, she said okay...
I asked why she was crying, she said it was a lot, that she was having marital issues and her husband had changed a lot..
She told me how he beats her up, would flog her in the presence of their kids, send her outside to sleep in the middle of the night, this woman opened her back and I wept, her back be like Jesus Christ back for Golgotha Street, peeled and torn, he flogged her as usual the previous night.
I wanted to suggest that she returns to her family but I noticed the way she loves her husband, so I invited her to my shop, I told her it's something we may sit down and discuss, she promised to come..
After some days, she finally came, I was so happy to see her, I told her God cannot do for you what you can do for yourself cos that's the only reason he blessed us with wisdom, you said your husband changed (that can be tagged as a spiritual case) but what you're doing is also enabling the beating..
If I knew what I knew today before now, that man wouldn't have been laying a finger on me then, I told her she needs to learn how to be neat, hold her tongue sometimes and not show her vulnerability, I told her to keep the home clean since that is what he complains about most times..
And as for the issue of womanizing that it will only end when she wants, she said ah that she's ready for it to end immediately, I said then clean yourself up, I really spoke to her at length, I gave her gala and my usual chilled drink, she got up and left, we exchanged contacts..
I was always calling to check up on her, we saw most Saturdays too, I noticed a lot of changes in her, those black long toe nails were all cleaned up, smelled fresh, fixed her hair not tying headtie, I was so happy for her..
One day she called me and said the husband asked her to finish up with whatever she was doing at home early cos he wants to hangout with her, she was so happy, I told her to not give in to it, she did cleaned up the house, fixed food, put the kids to sleep but she slept too, feigned being tired, he begged for it all night, so the next day Oga went out, got back with plenty gifts, she said he kept begging her, well she later gave him small of it, and oga was so happy...
You see sometimes, it's okay to pray and cabash but most times you need to put in the work, no matter how bad a man or a woman is, there is something you're not doing well that triggers your partner, where someone is screaming and shouting, there is always a dear person there, while you're asking God to fight your battles, also try and work on that thing in you that attracts the battles, it may be your lousiness, the companies you keep, the way you see things, the way you take in things is the reason you attract something to yourself, please change your ways, then pray, the prayer go work, prayers cannot work when you're irresponsible or when your mindset is disgruntled...
I'm happy for her and am happy her home is peaceful, the husband is doing so much now to make the marriage work, the kids are enjoying so much peace, the woman too is glowing... Body de sweet me
Thank you madam amebo.
ReplyDeleteI like this. Restoration as a result of self examination.
DeleteMadam Amebo thanks
Hmmmmm.....good for her.
ReplyDeleteOnce beating don enter that's it. She is lucky she lived to see the man change
God have mercy!! So her being untidy was what made her husband flog her, even in the presence of their kids? Well, na she nor know her worth 🚶
ReplyDeleteAdvice Onye mgbu
ReplyDeleteHmmmm
ReplyDeleteThe question is,are you willing to change and work towards to be the best??
ReplyDeleteYou want a good and happy home,you put efforts and work to achieve that.
Many are stubborn to take corrections.Sometimes pride abi ego controls their emotions.
U did well ma
ReplyDeleteGod bless you ma
Glad she found comfort in your words
ReplyDeleteFabulous story
ReplyDeleteAbusers never change unless something happens to them - like sickness, old age, loss of job, etc.
Women pls if you read this and your husband beats you for doing nothing wrong, pls leave to live.
God bless you richly for this,God has used you to restored peace and happiness in people life and marriages,I pray whatever you are looking for in life shall locate you,may you find love, peace and happiness again in JESUS Mighty name Amen 🙏
ReplyDeleteI applaud the woman for changing but he had no right to hit her and sadly this has set a very bad precedence. I believe he changed because his outside babes dumped him. Small time he will find something else to complain about and the beatings will resume. He is a wicked man.
ReplyDeleteDon't mind those saying nonsense. Is she a kid that he was flogging?
DeleteWho flogs him when he misbehaves?
Nonsense woman that doesn't have self esteem.
Let any man touch my daughter, he will smell his bombom
God bless you for the good advice.
ReplyDeleteYou advised her and she listened. A good woman ♀️.
ReplyDelete"I told her God cannot do for you what you can do for yourself"..
ReplyDeleteAmebo did you tell her this was said by a wise man- Dante..
Next time be using my word rightly o😁..
E.g.. -A wise man (Dante) once said "God cannot do for you what you can do for yourself..."
You did well.. good she listened and put in efforts instead of making silly excuses you see them making here..
However, that denying sxx part is not too advisable oh.. yes, I can understand of truly she was tired but to be used as (mind) game.. Omo for me it'll make me resent you.. I hate to beg for anything,. Especially for something that's actually not going to really cost you nothing knowing I'm nice to you too,..
.......
That being said,. Men need to hold back from letting women with bad behaviour push them into doing something that can tanish their image and name.. there are various things that can be done instead of beating her up.. I know how irritating it is to be with a dirty person,. He for just send her parking cos if the story of him beating her gets out, n so people go tag am wife bearer, e no dey hard then to destroy man name,. Them no go tag the woman smello oh,. Knowing dirt can k!ll... Women too should not hit a man first expecting him to walk away as a gentleman (mumu),. You dey play o.. also when a man ask you to leave his presence, commot.. and don't hold him when he is walking away.. if na that Una sharp mouth,. I get the medicine no worry
So who beats the man when he does something wrong??This your advice no make sense at all.. imagine she had died in one of those beating days. Na wa Oooo
ReplyDeleteThis your write up no follow at all.....while you were at it why didn't you tell her to bring the husband to your shop to counsel him to since nah motivational speaker you don turn...You left the koko which is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE to yarn dust...... I am happy the home is at peace now, but since you want to do work of mercy, talk to the husband too to balance the equation....SAY NO TO DV
ReplyDeleteI appreciate that this reflection comes from a woman with the benefit of hindsight. That said, while your approach may have contributed to reuniting a broken home, I’ll extend grace to your counsel - only because you were closer to her truth than we were. You likely saw gaps and pain points invisible to the rest of us. You were on the ground.
ReplyDeleteBut let’s get something clear.
One of patriarchy’s gravest assumptions - often echoed in misguided matriarchal advice - is that every action must provoke an equal and opposite reaction. That for every slap, there was a spark. But that notion belongs in physics, not relationships. Human beings aren’t closed systems. We carry trauma, power imbalances, emotional complexities, and societal conditioning.
In moral and emotional terrain, that principle becomes not just inaccurate - it becomes dangerous. Because once you apply it to abuse, it sounds like this: “If he beat her, she must have provoked him.” That, right there, is the language of victim-blaming. It quietly justifies violence. It suggests that a woman’s attitude, appearance, or voice can earn her a beating.
But violence isn’t a reaction. It’s a decision.
In any emotionally healthy system, the true law is this: Every person is responsible for their response, no matter the provocation. Anger is natural. Discomfort is human. But once you cross the line into hitting, bruising, or humiliating - especially someone weaker or dependent - that’s no longer a human flaw. It’s a misuse of power.
Even if she insults, nags, or lashes out verbally, that’s not morally or legally equal to physical assault. The scales aren’t balanced. That’s why courts, therapists, and moral traditions agree: there is no justification for abuse. The philosophy of forceful reciprocity doesn’t apply to cruelty.
A man who feels disrespected can walk away. A woman who feels unheard can speak up or seek help. But no one, no matter how frustrated, is ever justified in turning pain into punishment.
The moment violence enters a relationship - especially violence witnessed by children, it ceases to be a marital issue. It becomes a crisis of safety. Advising a woman to stay, adjust, or become more “agreeable” in the face of danger isn’t healing. It’s harmful.
That woman didn’t need a makeover. She needed a lifeline. She needed shelter, legal protection, trauma care - not to “scrub herself clean” to keep her abuser’s love. But this is what society teaches our daughters - that marriage is the pinnacle, and leaving, even in the face of death, is failure. Financial dependence doesn’t help either.
So Madam Amebo, while I’m glad she’s alive and smiling now, let’s call this what it was: not restoration - but survival. No woman brutalised in front of her children needs to be polished. She needs to be protected.
Abuse is not triggered by unwashed toilets or raised voices. It is chosen. I can see through her husband's “gifts” and “pleas” as classic abuse-repair cycle tactics (honeymoon phase), not change. Real transformation starts with accountability, not appeasement. Encouraging her to stay and “work on herself” feeds the lie that she is the problem.
Faith and prayer matter. But God is not glorified when a woman endures pain to preserve an illusion.
To anyone reading this:
If your partner abuses you, consistently, cruelly, especially physically, leave to live.
No love should demand your bruises as proof.
And no woman should have to polish herself to be respected.
Good points Ebony!
DeleteI'd ask, if people (both men and women) fail, how do we preserve an institution - marriage - worth preserving in times of failure? The advice of walk away seems to hold some narrow idea of self-preservation as the goal, which isn't what life is often all about. And to be clear, I do not support domestic violence in any form.