STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
ADVICE NEEDED
I've been dating my girl for like 5 years now. I'm 31 and she's 29.
We've built a whole lot together. We've grown each other's businesses, even my 3 bedroom bungalow, she encouraged me to build.
There are times I got stuck financially during construction and she came through for me. When I say we've achieved a lot together, I mean A LOT.
I've been pushing her for us to get married because I truly can't imagine myself with anybody else and she was acting reluctant. I have NEVER cheated on her so I was worried as to why she was hesitant. Kept asking what the problem was and she kept saying vague things like what's the rush?
Let's focus on growing together first etc etc. So I snooped. Apparently, she's scared to marry me because she believes after marriage, men change and become mean to their wives. She said I'm so sweet to her and she doesn't want me to change because men always advice their fellow men to deal with their wives and assert dominance.
So she'd rather we stay in a relationship and not ruin what we have with marriage and she doesn't know how to tell me. I saw this in a message with one of her senior sisters.
She's the last born. She also said when we came back from one vacation were we toured west africa for 2 weeks she found out she was pregnant and she removed it because she was scared that we'd be forced to get married.
I don't even know what to make of this. I still love her and want to marry her regardless but how do I convince her that I won't change? Please help me out here.
Bro, you should not be looking for a way to wife her please..... She is wicked AF!!!:::Taking off a baby for a man who wants to marry her cos of that silly excuse? she will do worse in Marriage if she feels that you have changed...Please DO NOT MARRY HER...not every woman must be wifed, use am do business partner if you feel that she has helped your finances grow but she no fit be better wife at all.....SHE IS A WALKING RED FLAG!!!
You need to tell her you know why she is anti marriage and help her seek therapy sounds like someone who was deeply traumatized, anytime i think of marriage i literally shake because of how traumstized i was but therapy helped begining to see men in a better light.
ReplyDeletePoster, pls marry her.
DeleteNa so we last born dey do atimes.
Have a chat with her elder sister , tell her you want to marry her this year and assured them that you will always love her.
Goodluck
I agree somewhat with Stella. It takes a certain degree of selfishness to slime an unborn child just cos you don't want to marry. She's not good people. Keep that in mind
DeleteYou have to build her confidence in you. There's something you are not doing right that is making her to doubt you. I feel there's a missing love language from your end and that love language/action is very important for her to get fully convinced that you won't change.
ReplyDeleteTell her that you need to get married as soon as possible because time is nolonger on your side
You should have asked her does that mean she would never get married or does her reasons apply to you alone!
ReplyDeleteCause with what you two have together, if you she can terminate a pregnancy with a man she has built so much with, then it’s either she is not in for marriage “with you” or it’s deeper than we think.
There's no way to convince such a wicked woman. If you can calculate her monetary support in cash,please do. When you love someone genuinely. You love their offsprings. 😠😠😠
ReplyDeleteYou are a dangerously smalled minded dimwit
DeleteBut truly, men keep dishing out silly advice to their fellow men nowadays and this even makes me scared. I deleted a good friends number from my phone when he started posting those nonsense stuff they learn from those men they think are wiser than them.
ReplyDeleteMen, if you manage your relationship or marriage outside the way God advice us to do then be ready to have a bad experience in marriage in a long run. you will never prosper while in that relationship with those mindset . I fling the nigga details out of my phone.
You people are so shallow minded and will never accept responsibility. When did men start coming out to give advice to fellow men? All the bad advice your gender keep dishing out every day even on this blog, do you speak against any of it. Makes me wonder how dumb it must be to be a lady sometimes. Men this, men that as if you people are angels that don't do any wrong. You people makes me sick men...
DeleteThis life no balance. Sometimes they'll say I like to support men and sometimes they'll say I like to support women. Wetin I go do now world people.
DeleteNot all relationships leads to marriage, even the best ones.
ReplyDeletePoster, she is not wicked. You want to marry her, she's scared things (you) will change.Her reasons for being scared are valid. Sit her down, and TALK.
ReplyDeleteMaybe discuss the topic of marriage with her first and hear what she says about it.
ReplyDeleteTruth be told OP, she is right. Yes, YOU will change. Whether for the better or not remains to be seen because marriage tends to bring out parts of us we never knew existed.
ReplyDeleteYou are more focused on the material things she provides or has helped you acquire that you have failed to see that your relationship lacks genuine depth and intimacy. Your communication is devoid of substance and that's why issues of grave significance to your union, could only be found out when you went snooping on her communication with her sister.
There is a part of her heart that she hasn't let you into yet. The 'relationship' may all just be in your head. It is hard to imagine why a 29 year old lady will have hesitation about settling down with a guy who seemingly thicks all the boxes except he doesn't. Aborting a pregnancy without your knowledge really seems to seal it. You aren't who she wants.
What solutions are available to you? Don't pressure her for marriage again. If possible, introduce the dynamic of another woman into the picture and guage her reaction. Or you can be more direct and give her a timeframe to make up her mind or you will move on.
Stella and her King James version ink,like are you for real??
ReplyDeleteWhich one is walking red flag???
That girl is scared of being hurt after marriage, why judge her like that? Like if you ask the lady what might be the cause, you will be shocked to your bones.
Are you sure if the poster is saying all the truth???
Don't come and give a one sided judgement..
Poster discuss with her. What she did was wrong. She been scared cos be as result of so many things and maybe reality of life. Asure are it will be fine again. Lastly make she get belle again
ReplyDeleteShe is just insecure towards marriage, she seems like a good person, if you can get someone, who you know she respects a lot to speak to her, and see if she can open up, to why she has such a strong dislike to the institution of marriage
ReplyDeleteYes, approach her sister that she sent the message to, to help you speak to her and convince her that you wish to marry, please don't leave this person that brings light into your life, they are rare to come by, also give her an ultimatum that at so so date, if you don't marry, I will know you don't love me and don't want me and I cant wait forever, fear of losing you can push her too to into the marriage, and please don't break her heart if she enters this marriage
DeleteDear Poster,
ReplyDeleteSometimes when things repeatedly resist moving to the next level, it’s worth pausing to ask deeper questions. In our society, we’ve seen many situations where the signs were there but love made people ignore them.
Based on what you've shared with us, her fear of marriage, her silence about the pregnancy, and her belief that you will change are not small issues. They point to something deeper that hasn’t been resolved.
Before you focus on convincing her, ask yourself: are you both truly aligned on what marriage means? Love is powerful, but alignment and trust are just as important. Don’t force what may still need clarity. Seek to understand her first then you take it from there. Like some people have said above, have a serious heart-to-heart with her.
Ron.
Dear Poster, your girl has Trauma issues, that she has developed fear from.
ReplyDeleteYou need to have that talk. Talk until you find out about the Trauma.
She has built up some psychological blocks to marriage and needs to reposition her mind. She may gain better insight either through counselling or prayers. Her views are probably a carry over from witnessing toxic marriages in her early years.
ReplyDeleteFind out if she wants to be a mother and have her own family eventually. Women who desire motherhood are usually more open to marriage than those who don’t. Let her know you desire married life and fatherhood, and do not see yourself just living endlessly with a woman and not making it official. It shows self-respect and that you value her. Also, remind her that marriage has legal benefits, it ensures that she is your next of kin, can make decisions legally, inherit your assets and receive your pension if you should pass before her - remind her that cohabiting does not carry those benefits most times. Appealing to her practical mind may work better to highlight the practical benefits of marriage. However, as good as she has been for and to you, if her mind is made up and she refuses to change her outlook, you will have to explore if the relationship is worth changing your values for.
Wait a mint....nobody is even talking about the abortion? The Dangers to her health or womb?
ReplyDeleteAre you in the 14th century? Mumu comment. Your body. Your choice. Science has advanced. You been in a coma?
DeleteFree her if she is not ready to become your wife. You don't need to climb mountain to look for how to make her your wife.
ReplyDeleteI think you should let her you saw her message first, then convince her you will not turn into a wicked demon after marriage.
ReplyDeleteMaybe one of her sister's or people around have coloured her view on marriage, heck she is right, alot of people were so happy and in love when dating and the whole thing went to shit immediately they got married, she is just projecting and it's wrong.
You have a lot of convincing to do, she sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders.
All the best
What about men who advise their girlfriend to abort more than one pregnancy, does that mean they don't love their offsprings? Infact men encourage abortion than women.
ReplyDeleteStella, sometimes remove Emotions aside when using your red pen. Yes the girlfriend is wrong for terminating pregnancy. But don't go shouting she's wicked and a walking red flag.If the girlfriend were to be your sister would you say she's wicked and the poster should not marry her?
ReplyDeleteShe’s not wrong
DeleteShe doesn’t want to be a baby mama
Stella is right on this.
Delete21:17 no she’s not
DeleteYou see yourself, you have not even had a Heart-to-Heart talk with her and you already brought the topic here. I hope you know that when a woman says she is ALRIGHT, she is really not alright.
ReplyDeleteShe's not ready for such and I wouldn't advice you coerce her into it. Not everyone would get married. That you guys made it as friends wouldn't guarantee same when you end in marriage. Have a sincere conversation with her. If it persists look for someone else.
ReplyDeletePoster,I am one of those people who is scared of marriage right now. In fact I don’t want to even live with a man, I’m scared of the way they can just wake up and start treating you badly, I have been engaged 6 times in my life time( I’m 44). Now I just started a relationship with a man, no intimacy yet, but he is already very serious, I keep praying every day that he should not ask me to marry him because he is going to figure out that I don’t want that level of commitment.Although I already have a 14years old daughter, and that’s because her father persuaded me to keep … I really don’t want to get past that relationship stage I feel marriage spoils everything… Now the solution is for her to see a therapist and for you to constantly show her how much you love her…
ReplyDeleteHmmm ... It is well with you. I pray the Lord God almighty moves things to align in your favor
DeletePoster, her fears about you changing after marriage is valid. After rushing me to marry him three months of dating, my husband changed. He reproposed on our twenty-five years anniversary, and I told him no, if I had known he would change, I wouldn't have married him
ReplyDeleteI guess you yourself retained the same personality before marriage and you did not changed at all. You people always reason like a toddler most times. You think people will remain the same all their lives. Oga change is constant and every matured human being should know that.
DeleteRushing you kwa. As old as you are you still lack accountability for your choices and actions. Na wa for your gender.
DeleteShe's really deep oo. You guys need to seek counseling before you take the next step
ReplyDeleteGo and boy ring and give her
ReplyDeleteNot loud proposal
Just buy the ring and bring it to her
Let the ring take it from there
Stella sometimes just post amd restrain from cementing afterwards. What kind of comment is that? See how you just invalidated her fears like you have walked in her shoes. Na wa for you. Most times you sound like a Gen z biko wey never see life
ReplyDeleteStella thank you for your red pen.
ReplyDeleteThe red pen though 🙄
ReplyDeletePls convince her in words and action that you will remain the same after marriage
Please dear poster can we hear from your friend abi ya babe,to decide the advice that will be given to you beacause me dey suspect something fess🤔
ReplyDeleteDo not allow her waste your time. If she can kill your un born child without your knowledge then her mind is made up. Discuss with her, if she is still reluctant, end things with her and move on. Please when you marry someone else cut her off completely let's she destroys your home. No sentiments
ReplyDeleteI don't blame her cos almost all men change in marriage, poster try as much as you can to convince her,give her your word.and make sure you try your best not to change even though change is constant cos we're humans.
ReplyDelete