Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

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Monday, April 16, 2018

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

Lost for what to say!!!...




STAND ALONE NARRATIVE 
OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!


Please hide my ID from everybody.


Good mornin Stella, I have been wanting to write to you for over a year now. But with my Condition right now I have to write this. At least, I can say I spoke to someone.


I won't proofread my writing because I'm not striving for any form of perfection right now, all I want is to bare my heart although I can't bare it enough. Your blog is the most beautiful thing I have ever known.


I want to thank you for this blog especially for your Saturday and Sunday laugh post and the commenters.They are joy givers. They might be harsh or fair sometimes but they are perfect the way they are.


My name is Chioma, I'm 25 years old and intentionally single . I'm beautiful and intelligent. I would have sent you my pic for you to know what my perfect smile looks like and the beauty that is easily admire but I don't want a situation where something will happen to me, you will see my pic and tell the world I wrote to you. (My beauty is clear with many visible imperfections, at least With the daily compliments I get from strangers, I can easily say I'm somehow attractive although my depressed state might make me appear as a proud person). The fact that I'm badly suicidal is a part of me I want to die with. I don't want to be pitied. I'm down and shattered and all I wish for myself is an everlasting peace.


It all started when I was 16, just like every terminal disease, it stepped in insignificantly until I became aware of it. I can say the cause of my depression, at the same time, I can't say the cause of my depression because the reasons have changed over time.


Stella, I have lost the taste of life. Outside me is a normal girl but inside me is a a confused, broken, shattered, hopeless and faithless girl. I pray and I go to church but I have no faith, the one I had before gave me expectations and hopefulness which gradually led to my depression. Even in my faithlessness I have not given up on God.


I have a lot of suitors but I can't marry because I don't want to spoil someone's life with my unseen agony. I had a teenage date who will carry every cross for me and take blames for me. When he wanted to settle down with me. I said NO, He saw it as a disappointment, he thought I used and dumped him. But I was trying to protect his beautiful soul and the life of my unborn innocent kids from the darkness that surrounds my real life. I have suitors both good and bad but I'm naturally not a selfish person. I don't want to spread the depression. If I have to couple, I will couple as a complete human being.


I intentionally gave my Virginity at the age of 24, not with someone I love or any meaningful reason although I started a meaningless relationship with him which lasted for a long time, I'm tired already. I have ended the relationship on my part, on his part, he is still in a relationship. I'm too weak to explain things to anybody. I gave him my virginity because I want death and I don't want to die a virgin. I had to let it go. No regrets.


Least I forget, at the age of 12 I already had a prayer life with so much faith and hope. At the age of 25, I don't like my life and I easily block people in my life. I can't say people hurt me with their words or actions even though there were occasions like that from family and close ones but depression is not a good judge so I won't go into that. If depression can make me blame God, how much more human beings with so much flaws. I have a good family. They are normal


The truth is that I don't want my death to be known as suicide but I sincerely want to die. I don't want to die through motor accident or illness because it will be very painful for me. I wish I'm financially OK to afford lethal injection or euthanasia, I wish I was never conceived, I wish I was miscarried, I wish I have substance to subdue sadness and anxiety, I wish I can turn back the hands of time so that I can be 14 with wild thoughts that will gradually grow me into a carefree young girl that had her first sex at sixteen or fifteen, club like no other, drank like no other, flirt like no other, live without expectations or seriousness about life, never work hard for anything. Even if I die at 30, I will die as a fulfilled lady. It's not about how long one lived, it's about how well one lived. It's about being alive while alive. As it stands now, I feel dead while alive. This is not life. Death seems to be the only thing that can take me away from past pains, present pains and future pains. I want to be truly happy.


I know what pain is, I'm very careful not to be very addicted to social media not to talk of dissing people whom I don't know their struggles. I'm lost in silence which is most times misunderstood as pride.


I have worked so hard on this depression, I have manage to identify the things that trigger it but most times I'm not in charge of those things. I'm tired.


I'm writing to you to hears from some persons. People that know what depression is, people who have fought through the stages and still find themselves at the terminal point. Please tell me something if you are going through depression, how are you coping, how are you feeling?


To those those who fought and won, how did you do it? How was the battle like, how did you win the battle?


To those who can relate with someone's experience, how was it tackled? Did it end in pain or praise?


I wish the unliving ones could tell me how they committed suicide. How they gather the strength to do it without considering how others will feel when they find out it was not a naturally death or murder.


Please don't tell me about books, Church or God. I have done that with faith and I'm still doing them right now, faithlessly. Maybe it worked for you, glory be to God for that.


To those who are happy with life and happy to be alive, you are the richest. I can't count how many times I recently prayed to God to help me die in my sleep. I wake the next morning, knowing fully well that I'm living a deathly life in the land of the living.


I have contacted NSPI last month but didn't go on with them because I did not have the strength to explain things to them. I might forward this to them.



*This is really really really sad...I hope we can still bring you back from where ever you have fallen into...sounds like you are really really really ill

70 comments:

  1. This is beyond me



    *Larry was here*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is a medication for depression. You need anti-depressants ASAP. Go and see a psychiatrist.

      Delete
    2. This is beyond description, whoever you are please locate any rehabilitation center or psychiatrist as soon as possible.
      This is so deep.
      Uhmmmmmmm.

      Delete
    3. Things that can help. Amazon if abroad or health stores. Some good pharmacy’s carry many quality ones in Nigeria.

      -Magnesium glycinate
      -Vitamin C (ascorbic acid)
      -Whole food multivitamins
      -Vitamin B12
      -Whole food B complex (whole food as in food based. Not whole food the store)
      -Quality probiotics
      -Ashwagandha (it is very good for stress even if you aren’t depressed)
      -Serrapeptase (I have recommended this for other stuff on here before. But when I had a breakdown it helped tremendously. Because sometimes, mood disorders have correlation with inflammation of the 1st brain and 2nd brain(gut brain) so taking it can reduce the inflammation and that reduces your symptoms).
      May God help us all.

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    4. Honestly Chioma...you and I know you have an unquenchable light deep in your heart. And you deserve and yearn to be more and believe me you have what it takes..someone somewhere will live one day because of you. Follow these steps and you will live the life you deserve and just as important. ..get to make a change in the lives of others. Are you ready? Its as easy as... (yet not so easy) as change your diet drastically and ruthlessly! Thats mostly what's messing with your system! Theres nothing wrong with you that cant be fixed! I assure you you will be fine! You are a normal person its ur mood chemicals thats causing havoc. Surely theres some chemical imbalance and ur diet is making it worse. Believe me its happened to me exactly. You already have a fighters heart so last last you will be alright once you get wellness and mindfulness help. See a psychiatrist but be careful of prolonged use of any anti depressant. Let them give you the mildest and tell yourself its only for a few weeks until the diet changes and other initiatives effects kick in. In that time purge yourself of chemical toxins...read up on the halleluya diet, a macrobiotic diet and do a hard stop on all nightshade foods.Research and practise also mindfulness. ..wellness..gratitude .Take the nutrition supplements the poster has suggested and any others u come across when carrying out the research. Listen to Tony Robbins. Cant remember the author but search google for : our greatest fears are not that we are inadequate ...our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure...also read still I rise by Maya Angelou? Read your bible of course. The book of Isaiah. Force yourself to do some sort of exercise. .even walking for 15 mins a day is a start. Drink at least 2 large eva bottles of water every day. As the toxins clear from your system, your mood will begin to lift trust me in a couple of weeks and you will receive strength, calmness and perspective. It is well with you.

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    5. Good morning poster, I just read this and want to tell you something very simple. After 16 years of skin disease that I'm still waiting for healing and a serious bout of depression that I'm not sure is gone I can only tell you one thing. JESUS MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE. I've been angry at God and it didn't make him quickly heal me. Stick with Jesus and everything will be alright. Pls read Luke 1:37 and mark 11:24. God bless you. I love you

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  2. Oh dear Lord! You need a quick intervention from this shackles of death. I pray strength, hope and love for you right now.

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    Replies
    1. My dearest Chioma, please snap out of it. I have been there and I totally understand you. I felt i had no reason and nothing whatsoevr to live for. Each time I wake up in the morning, I get upset cos it seemed like another day of misery. You are even lucky because you are beautiful with suitors, imagine someone without suitors. Where do I start from? mine started as a child, I even had the feeling my parents and siblings hated me, I was like the ugly duckling. I kept to myself and people read wrong meaning to it. I can remember my early teens,wanting to end my life. I'm almost 30, single, still without the perfect life but guess what? I'm a fighter, I refused to give up.

      You know, I feel you 100%. I've researched the best form of suicide...painless ones, I have considered places to carry out the suicide, where people won't know i committed suicide, I had it all planned out. Just as you don't want to hear anything about God
      and church right now, I've been there. People see me and they don't know the pain and heaviness in my heart. You are like a younger me, a luckier version I must say.

      How did I overcome it? I decided to be a fighter. I told myself that I must win the battle with depression. I was even jobless when it got worse ..what makes you think you'll be happier if you take your life?

      I took the decision to get busy. I learned handwork, interact with people even though I felt like withdrawing, I tried not to be alone cos that's when the depression builds so my dearest Chioma, you are going nowhere. I don't care how you feel but you will live to a ripe old age.

      You don't want to hear it but I will say it to you because I love you. Jesus loves you. I spent time reading the bible and that's what I want you to do. I have been able to put smiles on the faces of people. If I had taken my life, that would never have happened. People look up to you, whether or not you know it. Get busy, learn a hand work like baking or sewing, go out more so that by the time you get back home, you'll be tired and fall asleep. Don't push God and church to the corner. Be a worker, interact more with people,hang out.

      Most importantly, I need you to fight! you are lucky to be beautiful and have suitors but you need to work on yourself from the inside. Chioma love, fight, I need you to fight. That's what I did. You have a purpose on earth. I am an older version of you having gone through what you're passing through but you are luckier.

      Delete
    2. Dear poster, you will be fine and suicide will soon no longer be an option. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I just offered a prayer on your behalf to God. You will win, just don't quit, however difficult it seems right now.
      I have dealt with depression and won by the grace of God. You will too. But few things to note:
      1. Don't go it alone, get medical help. See a doctor.
      2. Walk by faith, not by feelings. Things are not really the way we feel about them.
      3. Watch out for the inner critic in you, that critical inner voice, feeding you with a distorted commentary on your life. Don't believe it, doing so is doing harm to yourself.

      Delete
    3. Only You can take care of You!
      Been born or raised in a Country like ours , where everybody is trying to Survive, you dared not talk about or show signs of depression . Sweetheart believe me when I say I have been there ,gone through it alone and decided to Survive on my Own.
      In my own case, apart from Family, I didn't feel anything. I felt lost in my thoughts couple of times ,felt like ending it all but never knew that all my Heart ached for was Someone to shower it with Love. So Dear ,I implore you to give Love a Chance and see the situation turn around. I never said you should cling on to anybody claiming to love you. Cultivate love cos there is no other medication for the Heart other than Love . It truly conquers all , Depression inclusive.

      Delete
  3. hmmmmmm this one is a serious case ooo. May God heal you from whatever the devil has put in you. Your heart is really blocked from any help that you receive.

    It is well with you

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  4. pls my dear go and see a doctor, let them refer you to a psychologist also. You need to be placed on anti-depressants.
    Not everything in mental health is your village ppl or wicked relatives.
    You may have a chemical imbalance coupled with whatever you are going through.
    Pls speak to a learned person, not someone that will start advising you on spirit husband ish. Goodluck

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  5. Chioma, please know that somebody loves you and wants you to fight this. You have a good heart and you are so strong. You gave up love to ensure a man did not have to experience agony and pain. You are a kind woman. You have a great future ahead of you if you will just fight. There are people here who will tell you how to fight. I just want to tell you I LOVE YOU and I have just prayed for strength for you to carry on. Can you change environment? Sink yourself into helping others...sometimes that really turns the tide when it comes to depression. There is nothing our God can not do and there is nothing He has put on you that you can not bear. Do not give up, you are intelligent, brave and compassionate. This world needs you, someone in your shoes needs you to fight and show them the way. I know you can do this. Please fight. You do not need deliverance or any visit to quack pastors. You have God in you and a whole lot of fight and strength too.

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  6. Go and see a psychiatrist. This is a mental condition and you need counseling and medicine to stabilize your mood. You need intensive counseling and therapy.

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  7. Hey my dear, there is more to life, please Dont feel down, I know depression is real and I understand you. Please see a psychiatrist because depression is a mental illness.
    All will be well that ends well.

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  8. I'm confused as you didn't mention anything about your family. I would have liked to know how your growing up was like.
    If you ever felt family love because I'm wondering why you are feeling alone.

    The first solution you need now is a therapist. You need it fast, it seems the depression has eaten you deep.
    Please check online and register with any.

    Hold that thought of killing yourself.some things are not ordinary.
    Devil came to kill, steal and destroy. I also suggest for a deliverance.

    But my main concern is to know more about your family because it seems you lack love as a child.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon you are right. This is not just medical,this is demonic. You need Jesus my dear,as much as you deny it,you need Jesus now and fast.

      Delete
    2. Stop with these deliverance and demons. The girl needs medical attention.

      Delete
    3. No be Nigerians again?
      If housefly should pass, they'd call demons & deliverance! Very shallow minds.

      Delete
  9. Oh dear! Am speechless right nw

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  10. oh God this is really really sad and it nearly made me shed tears.my dear i feel like this sometimes, but i remember the good old days and i find solace in them. please there is still hope dont give death the pleasure of winning.do you know how many times i wish i wsnt an adult. infact i cnt give the devil the pleasure of hearing me sound so depressed right now because i have a lot of things to do to show him that i am more powerful than him. you have the same strength too dnt give up yet my dear please am lost for words.

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  11. This is sad. Try eating lots of happy foods like bananas. At least one a day. Then try flaxseed oil supplements. It's rich in omega 3 and helps to lift ur moods. I have bn depressed before and these things are helpful. Then lastly, truly and completely give ur life to Christ. It may sound cliche but that's the truth. It's not enough to go to church but give ur life to Christ. Read rhapsody of realities on a daily basis. That book has helped me tremendously. It's all going to be well.

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  12. This is really scary and bad...I would like to get to know you,even if it's just for chats and for you to have someone to talk to when you feel down,lonely and boxed up in what seems like an unending state of emptiness.

    I am not a psychologist but I know that having someone to talk to and cheer you up can bring light to this darkness surrounding you.

    My mail is on my blog name,just click on it and it should send you to where you can get my mail.

    My proposition for chat is non sexual so do not be afraid to reach out if you feel the need to do so.

    I really hope to hear from you soon and don't give up on yourself because if after all your prayers for death God is still making you wake-up every morning then there's more to your existence and you need to achieve your purpose.

    Stay Alive Stay Safe...Everyone down here loves you.


    LEP😛

    ReplyDelete
  13. Here I'm thinking I have the worst life ever. I'm just short of words

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  14. Is it that bad,poster? Trust me,nothing is permanent and also nothing is difficult for God to do. That been said,killing yourself or wishing yourself death is not the answer so please keep the hope alive and believe in God.

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  15. God will deliver u from this depression,
    maybe u should try and make friends, go out often and sociallize instead of isolating urself death is not the way out all u need is to be around positive people.
    i pray God deliver u from this hole u are.

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  16. I was reading to see the reasons for your depression but didn't find any. Life sometimes could be unfair and ironical. It is an incomplete voyage that most times dreams and aspiration are never meant. I really feel for you poster and wish the peace and serenity life could bring your way, nothing I could say now may lift you up since you have already condition your mindset but know this one thing, there are worse case than yours that came back to give testimony and I believe yours wouldn't be different. Hold on dear, there could be a message in all what you are going through to someone out there. It is well.

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  17. I am now depressed reading this.. God please take control.

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  18. only you can save yourself. therapy can help too. May you find a reason to live happily
    John Edet

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  19. Stella please i beg you dont take this likely. Can you get her contact so people can reach out to her please.
    To the poster, the fact that you wrote all this shows you willingness to live. I have been in a very depressed state before and i totally understand how you feel. I look back at my life now and i bless God that i did not let my depression consume me. In my case, my mother became my best friend, you need someone in your life right now. Suicide and wishing death upon yourself is not the solution.
    I wish you can see the beautiful things God has in store for you, i wish you can see your future 1,2,3,4,5,6,10,50 years from now oooo my darling life is extremely beautiful. Talk to people around you, seek help, life is beautiful i tell you. No matter what you are going through it cannot last forever. You will live and you will come out of this

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  20. Anonymous donor16 April 2018 at 15:36

    Please, all you have is an illness. A mental one. Please see a therapist. If you don't want pity, please go without letting anyone know.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Stella, i am so moved and touched.

    How can we help this pretty soul? How?

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  22. You need to see a therapist asap my dear.
    This is a cry for help and deep down you want to give life another trial, fight Baby girl fight because you have sooo much ahead of you. You have the right to be happy, you have the right to have the life of your dreams irrespective of what the issue might be. If you can't afford a therapist send Stella any account detail and we can get you started. Life can be hard to deal with, sometimes you get to the state that it seems as if you're the only person who understands (not your family, not God) but He does, He loves you.
    Whilst seeing the therapist, immerse yourself in volunteering works...motherless babies homes, old people's homes, special needs centers. Caring and nurturing anothe life has the ability to heal ones spirit.
    You're strong and this will not overcome you.

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  23. may God have mercy.

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  24. GOD take over this case in the name of Jesus.

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  25. Hmmm,this is one chronicle I can somewhat relate to...years ago,I was you! Thankfully,i discovered mine very early, medical school kept me busy and I merely floated around Earth in the name of living till I let myself take charge of my life to the humanly point I am allowed to.

    Firstly girlie, take a very deep breathe. I would be giving you some mumbled up tips, be open minded to see some help from them no matter how cliche, repeated or weird they sound.

    The key to your problem lies in midway the 11th paragraph of your write-up.
    YOU LOST TOUCH WITH THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE YOU. See,you are one hell of a smart, intelligent lady who simply grew up too fast and has a certain expectation about your life and where you should be, add an hyperachieving attitude to the mix and honey, you are in this rite of passage to evolution or destruction. Bless your soul, if you are cancerian.

    Now while having a high I.Q, grand plans and grand image for yourself isn't wrong, it is extremely easy to not count your blessings or worse, to ignore your blessings in entirety.
    You probably got caught up in that grand image, you forgot to carry the girl along while the lady grew.

    You need to accept yourself, I don't mean the 'I know I am beautiful' forced acceptance with the mental stomped fist. I mean the, I am just 25, I have achieved (list them no matter how trivial), I have a family that cares, basic needs, probably no disabilities... Make a list of your blessings no Matter how unimportant it seems and though I might not have achieved that balance I crave badly (which is the whole individual you want to be), there is life, hope, chance and my talents to get to be the woman I want to be. I dare you to be sincerely humble to do this for you. Because, trust me pride and a bit of entitlement pushes your depression not necessarily past experiences,you would have let it slip and made it a focal point if it were.

    Beautiful one, the journey to wholeness is a lifetime one. Simply because you seem not to have your niche, balance and clear race track doesn't make depression and the will to die the next sexy thing. As a matter of fact, it takes immense strength albeit negative to chose death while alive.
    How about you channel to really live and not just not exist like you are doing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chioma you will be fine. I pray you win whatever this is.

      Delete
    2. Chioma read this comment and ponder on every line, connect with that inner girl, find peace, don't give up on God. Also read biographies of people who had challenges and overcame. You are looking at the wrong side of life, focus more on the positives, talk more and your relationships dont write it off. Someone that understands you will stay and you will be happy that you lived one more day and one more year and one more decade. Don't give up on God...He cares talk to Him like he is sitting beside you.

      Delete
  26. Chioma You are here. You are supposed to be here. You have value. This world is just as much yours as it is mine, and that of everyone else on this spinning rock.

    No one else has any more of a right to be here than you. We are all connected, and we all have a role to play, even if we aren't sure what that role is.

    Yes, there are mean people out there who make this world seem like a scary place. They are mean and harsh to others, to you, because they lack love and purpose. It has nothing to do with you.

    But I believe there are many more nice people out there. Their voices just aren't quite as loud, so it's hard to hear them. You have to listen closely.

    Please know you are never alone in this human condition. You have brothers and sisters all around you.

    Be vulnerable. Reveal your fears and your flaws. So many others feel the same way as you. Don't hide. Connect.

    Connection to others is what grounds us, what makes us whole, what makes everything worthwhile.

    Please give it a chance. You're more important than you know.

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  27. Dear poster.you mentioned you have done alot of things to overcome your challenge of depression;prayer, church, faith and all but you haven't tried seeing a psychiatrist. Depression is a medical condition with effective treatment. I suggest you open up about your struggle to a family member you trust and seek medical help together. It shall be well with you.

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  28. Like I said earlier, I once was you. I struggled to have friends who wouldn't turn out to be frenemies the next minute, broke most of the times, fought to have inner peace, dropped God and faith....romanced with atheism, wondered at being left behind, why my name wasn't on Forbes yet, on TV, not living the life of Snobbery and Class yet. On the outside I was popping, very beautiful endowed, bold in public speaking, infectious laughter and magnetic personality till I entered the room. I allowed myself reason that my childhood was messed up, my upbringing should have been more upper class and I was super empathetic and drawn to bad news, sad stories till good things happening to people looked like fiction. Then I became bad news, even the magnetic persona disappeared, I became more withdrawn, even shied away from leadership positions or things that would put me out there. I became an ultra-unnecessary depressed introvert. More darkness brought forth more darkness. Shunned social media for bad, became a loner...those days, your soon past days.

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  29. Hi poster! I was once in a dark part of my life because of a terminal disease. I hated myself and just counting my days,! My family didn't know that side of me existed because I was quiet . Infact nothing matter to me in life! I also told myself no marriage no kids, but I have them now. The truth is only you can help yourself.
    Since you already wish for death, then let that stay behind your head since thinking about it is not making the wish come true. Decide to live a positive life, party and go shopping if you like. Just do regular life stuff while you await Mr death and I promise you , you LL feel happier and lighter . You can go see a therapist if you can afford it (I did) but you see talking to people you know won't I repeat won't help you!
    Most people in life get to that phrase in life and wanna just give up so your not the first neither LL you be the last.
    Sucide is not an option so while you keep wishing for death, have a bucket list and achieve it while waiting.

    Big tyt hug😆

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  30. I am not trying to be insensitive so forgive my question. Are you bipolar? Biko bvs pardon my ignorance. Is depression hereditary? Can it be cured? How does one just wake up and decide to be suicidal? This life wey dey sweet me like milk and honey na him dey bitter person so? NA wa oooh, I am indeed speechless. I pray you find help poster.

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  31. Hi Chioma. I wish I could talk to you one on one. I am twice your age and have been depressed since age 8. I class myself as a functioning depressive. It is difficult for others to understand what it's like to not want to live but I get it. I attempted suicide when I was 19 and till this day there are moments I wish i had not survived. I will therefore tell you this. You have to FIGHT for your mind, for your sanity and well being. I believe some people are predisposed genetically to depression. Some people are also raised in a toxic environment that leads to depression. Regardless of what it is you are ALIVE. What I find that works for me was to focus on others. When i could not pray for myself I prayed for others. When I could not help myself I helped others. Focusing on something outside of yourself helps. Finding something you are very good at that may not make money or sense such as writing a journal also helps. I won't recommend talking to friends or family as a number of people have their own issues and quite frankly get tired of trying to 'encourage' you. Plus I find that they end up telling you about their 'bigger' problems I found that going on online self help forums helped me. These forums are non judgemental and I could express myself if I wanted to. Acknowledging and accepting my depressive state also helped. I am what I am. I have good days and bad days but I keep moving forward and I am even in the public eye. You can't allow yourself to slip. Battle for your mind.

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  32. The big D.depression..seratonin is missing or produced in small quantities.so what i did is to
    1.face myself-stand in front of the mirror and argue with yourself ..have a long and hard dialogue with urself, cry if you need to.Do this for 1 good day.
    2.cry , cry, cry..till you have none left.
    3.wake up early in the morning 4am precisely and positively confess to yourself.shout while you do this.Tell yourself you are the best .That you are happy and your brain has evolved past your depression.etc
    4.visualization:area with lots of natural light , lay down shut your eyes and imagine your ideal world.Do this 20 mins or more, morning afternoon and night.
    5.take antidepressants
    6.excercise as it helps to release seratonin.the idea is to boost your seratonin output
    9Hold on to a word in the bible and task God with it.Mine was "And Jabez Cried".
    10. Pray in all the hrs of christ.

    I hope this helps.

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  33. Like I dared you earlier, you would heal if you let humility guide you and tone down not forget the grand picture in your head else you will forever sabotage yourself till suicide is you.

    You need to find joy in little things, you are redirecting your energy now. Let happiness in!
    Decide to let life happen to some extent for you and not hold to grimly to life and, what it should offer you on your buffet tray of living .

    Connect to that little girl you locked up. The one who dolled up beautifully, prefer colour patterned dresses, secretly let her feet sink on wet grass, loved the petrichor, sometimes loved the rain touching her ND running home to very hot tea. You can go even further to picture when you wore that shoe that shows red light on Christmas day with that writshwatch and pink funny glass. Those little things, you have them. The escape from the trappings of adulthood.

    I had my little awareness in one week when I saw a little girl stomp her leg so hard to make the lights show and that was me years ago, when I saw a black Maria pass by and spied the faces of prisoners and realised I had freedom. When my slipper cut and I walked bare foot through wet grass, when I heard one of my favourite song of childhood (wishes for all by Inferno). Saw speedy biscuits on sale and laughed so hard and bought all, saw children playing that Obi Chikolobi game and did it with my tiles at home. Saw an internet meme about games of childhood and I realized I played all, and got closire for the stiffled Christian childhood I thought I had and reconnected with the little me inside. So many retro things that gave me joy,laugh and be a child again. Find your and get started.

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  34. Hi Chioma, You are not alone. I have felt like this a lot of times. I just got to understand that it has more to do with your relationship in God. I believer is filled with the Spirit of God. When the believer drifts** from God, the Spirit becomes caged and the ordinary soul feels helpless, restless, unfulfilled, incomplete. Why? Because the fire, joy and expectations of a believer comes from the Spirit of God in him/her. Caging the Spirit has nothing to do with obvious sin. It has more to do with lack of fellowship with God like no prayer, no reading of word etc. The depression is a feeling comes from feeling not worthy or self judgement. Just get back to trusting God and re-emphasis it through prayer and reading the word of God and very soon the Samson in you will be unchained. **Do not think about ending it all, Jesus has paid the price...just get back to letting God work it out in Faith. Hope to hear from you soon.

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  35. Next,find little pleasures in your ongoing life. Allow yourself FEEL, I don't know how to explain it. Let yourself create a safe corner. Make that soup as it comes your nose, take yourself out when you can afford it just for the experience, listen to the music if the weather calls for it. Talk to your loved ones when you think of them and genuinely be invested in them not in the 'I was here's manner you have adopted. Give to someone who would never repay you, would never see you. Give to someone who sees you, a person who is appreciative and in need. You have no idea how it feels when you realize you have been used as a vessel to answer a heartfelt prayer.

    Less about yourself, help, give but not at your expense. Get a hobby, join an association that would not be toxic to you.
    Stay off social media if the fan life of others makes you feel left behind. It's not envy, you are protecting your sensibility.

    Listen to good music and follow positive news and avoid negative scenarios if you can. There is no crime against creating your la-la land

    You have dabbled with faith before, you need to find it again. Your indifference have not helped you either so just hold something and you may grasp the right thing.
    I went back to God when I recalled my very young years, when all I obsessed about was winning drawing the sword games in church, gathering other children in my compound for compulsory worship and of course Chilled zobo and gala after Sunday church service.. Lol
    But they were periods of immense peace,wide eyed innocence and closeness to God. And when I lost myself, I went back.

    Please go back, find God not church. Cliche but life saving. You need answers, you need directions. Who made Earth? God of course as your temporary abode to journey through to live out your purpose, communion with him, live your mark and go to rest at a ripeful age. So why should the challenges that confront you as you pass through make you contemplate suicide and depriving yourself of rest.

    Pick that bible up not as a Sunday must-carry But as a manual for living. Ask the Holy Spirit for understanding and start your study. Who cares if you don't know how to pray anymore, invite God and just talk, chat, complain,reason and gist with him however you like. Peace will lighten your heart and remove the veil of darkness over you.

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  36. Frankly you are one brave and strong sister pushing on while battling to find yourself. However, you need to open up to your loved ones about your state of mind. You never know what insight you can gain from them to go on to live your best life.
    Not all conditions need drugs.
    NEVER YOU GO FOR ANY DELIVERANCE.
    One more thing, don't let that nice guy go just yet. You may heal tomorrow and never find such again.
    I wish I can type more but too pressed for time. I hope any of my epistles goes through at all.
    I don't know who you are but I want you to be better and get through this life changing experience.
    God cares and will strengthen and uplift your spirit. I love you stranger.

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  37. My dear....nothing in this life is really that serious. Life is a gift dear. Take things easy and enjoy life. Only you can make you happy. I wish you good luck.

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  38. Dear Chioma,
    I would not pretend that I understand to any degree what you are going through but please
    1. Know that you are loved and from today, you will be in my prayers.
    2. From your words, you are fighting this, please don't give up the fight. Reach out to professionals, you would be glad you did.
    3. Lend a helping hand to another. Many have testified that being a blessing to others helped them come out of a dark place.
    Anonymous 16:25 has said it beter than I, please heed.
    Though your faith is frail I pray that it will not fail you.

    You will be fine.

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  39. just 25yrs and this depressed? what would have warranted it? only God can save you. just believe that life is beautiful. seek medical help too

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  40. Thank you very much Empress Cho..... your comments will help many, not just The poster and myself.
    God bless you

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  41. Hi Poster,

    Your post took me way back. Way back to my life up until the age of 26. I was just like you.

    I first attempted suicide at the age of 10 by drinking bleach then again I consumed a whole schwt of paracetamol pills when I was around the same age. I was able to go on without another suicide attempt until my dad beat me for something that I still have a mark, this time I tried to slit my wrists. I still have the marks...I don’t know why I didn’t bleed to death. I so wanted death to come. I’m on my thirties now and it was surprising when someone asked me what the marks on my wrists were (they are hardly visible) I just said they were cuts. I couldn’t confess that this now chirpy, successful career woman, wife and mother was once a deeply troubled soul.

    Nobody could understand what I was carrying within me. I would use anything to drown out the pain. Sometimes it was music, men (sex), friends, drugs, church, Bible...anything anything that promised to take this pain away. I thought it was normal I never knew I would one day go an entire year without crying but loook at me Now.

    My dear I’m happy you are not walking down the isle in that condition because I did. I even gave birth to a child. The circumstances were terrible I was original Iyawo poly bag but look at me now. How I with I could speak to you one on one. If you get to read this please know that there is a blessing beyond the storm.

    I cut myself off from people and I told myself I had to make something out of my life. I cried one day and just let out all the pain and promised myself and my baby that I wouldn’t end up a statistic. I didn’t really used to pray cos I didn’t believe e so much in prayers but after crying I declared certain things. What I wanted what I was afraid to want but I just cried and let out all the pain and said I WILL MAKE IT.

    I did. The Universe met me half way. I won’t say God but I will say that the Universe heard. One day at a time. My dear start taking it one moment at a time. Stop thinking about yesterday think about now. Think of one thing to be thankful for and be really thankful. Try to do it once a day. Be patient and try to have one person you can confide in. I don’t mind being that person if you want. But you need to be able to offload. Maybe write a diary I don’t know but don’t keep it bottled up.

    I had been molested repeatedly from a young age and abused in so many ways and neglected so I carried that around with me into adulthood. I can confidently say that my life turned around. I am having experiences that I never knew possible because I thought I wasn’t lucky or I didn’t deserve it or God didn’t do things for people like me. I could write so much but I’m telling you that if only you will take a few moments in a day to be thankful for anything even if it’s just the meal your having or chilled water you are drinking. More and more things will come into your life for you to be truest grateful for.

    Take care and do reply if you want to keep in touch. I know one day you will use your story to encourage someone else.

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  42. Chioma you didn't say if you've seen a therapist. Have You? What was the outcome? Let me make it clear to you that if you think you can do this alone, you're wrong. Find a therapist please and stick to whatever medications they give you. Stick to lifestyle changes they suggest. Please indicate if you are in Nigeria that might help with solutions. Take self- pride out of the equation. You need help and you need someone to talk to, to help you through this. Please don't feel you can do it alone there is a reason why we aren't alone on earth. *hugs*

    You seem like you're in a really really dark place. Could barely finish reading.

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  43. I have a very good therapist that helped me out of mine here in Naija. I’m totally fine now. We combined medication, therapy sessions and hypno- therapy. The fact that you wrote this means you want help. Please indicate interest so that I can hook you up with the doctor. You will be fine just don’t give up.

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    1. Interest indicated. Please drop his contacts.

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  44. Depression is real. And it's not something you can just come out and say. I sometimes wish I could meet with a psychologist but the few ones you have here in naija charge much .I am tired . I am not suicidal o but I just wish God helps me very soon. O ti su mi. I smile outside like nothing is worth with me but I know something is wrong with me. Please God, wipe away my tears and help me.

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  45. See a psychiatrist dear. You need medications

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  46. You wrote all this long thing without making a point,
    what started your depression?are you having a spiritual problems?
    are you having an unseen situations?did someone betrayed you?did you lack
    trust and lacking something you wish for?do you have a sickness?maybe sickle?
    you must mention ur problems to get a solutions dear,,
    mind problems dont need a medication but a word.....to rethinking,,,
    but never forget this word,,,,,,,
    WE LEARN WHEN WE CRY,,,GOD WORK AND HEAL WITH PATIENTS AFTER WE HAS FINISHED CRYING,,,talk to any noble person around you,,he or she will understand,,
    even ur grandparents

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  47. Chioma, one thing you have to understand about life is that it is boring for the most part. We do the same thing every single day, and after a while it becomes tedious. How many times have you drank water, ate chicken, ate rice, drink tea..etc.it's the same thing over and over and over again. There are moments that break up the monotony of life, graduations, a wedding, giving birth, raising children, getting a promotion, going back to school, buying a house, a new car, and other moments that take you away from the boredom of life. I feel your depression is stemming from a deep boredom with life. You have to get up and do something, you can move to a completely different place to change the energy, this is often the best way to shift the stale energy. Move if it is viable to do so, if you cannot move from where you are currently living then go and take a vacation to a place that has always intrigued you. Get a new job, unless you are truly in love with your current job, go back to school and learn something that fills you with passion, it could be completely different from what you studied before, as long as it fires you up and get you excited then go for it, even if it is something like interior decorating or sewing, just make sure it fills you with passion. Have a spiritual life, not a religious life, which is what going to church is about, I am talking about connecting with the source of all and feeling as though you are a significant part of creation. Sometimes it is hard to feel as though your life is really of any significance in this great cosmos, but it is very very valuable. Start volunteering and being of use to someone, when you feel useful you will feel more valuable to creation.

    Chioma, reincarnation is real, no matter what anyone says. I am sorry to tell you if you harm yourself and think you are going to fix the situation then you are sadly mistaken, because you will have to be born again and face the same test until you get it right. My advice to you would be to preserve your life and start doing the things that can change the stagnant energy that is affecting you. You know yourself better than anyone else, so you know what you really like. Nobody is going to come to make your life better, nobody can make you happy, you will have to do all the internal work to create the life of your dreams. You are not the first to be at this place, many many who have gone before you have faced the same and they have overcome and are living successful and joyous life today. You too will overcome this and be victorious in the end, just start doing the work to get to that place of triumph. Do not be alarmed if you falter on the way and miss your steps, just get up back and brush off yourself and get back on track. It is not going to be a smooth journey to freedom but every step you take will get you there. Also, get out of your head, stop thinking the same negative over and over again. When depressive thoughts want to take you over repeat over and over 'peace, tranquility, joy'. If you are listening to music choose happy and joyful music with positive lyrics, and when you watch shows and movies pick uplifting and joyful shows to watch. Surround yourself with light so darkness cannot thrive anywhere around you.

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  48. Stella. Please I need Chioma's contact. Chioma cannot die. I experienced depression after the loss of my father when everything went wrong. But with God's help I'm standing today. She needs love and attention.

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  49. i remember when i was so depressed, chai.. I screamed for help and nobody heard me. I wake up, drink and smoke like I was going to die the next min, as an introvert, it was so difficult for me, I was just a loner, ppl didn't understand me sef, even my sister was calling me a loner, not knowing i was fighting depression. thank God for me, I started interacting with people more, went to learn how to sew. It's 2yrs now since I smoked, sometimes when I remember those days i'm like what was I thinking? can't believe I was ever depressed. my passion helped me over come depression, now I can't be idle again, not when there's a sewing machine around me. Poster, try learn a skill, in fact if possible 2 or more skills, get busy and you will be fine and glad you did. I keep thanking God for bringing me out of that DARK HOLE.

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  50. Isaiah 43:1 But now, Chioma, listen to the lord who created you. Chioma, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.     I have called you by name; Chioma,you are mine.
    Isaiah 43:2 Chioma, When you go through deep waters,     I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty,     you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression,     you will not be burned up;     the flames will not consume you.

    Isaiah 43:3 For I am the lord, your God,     the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom;     I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place.

    Isaiah 43:4 Others were given in exchange for you Chioma,    I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me.     You are honored, and I love you.
    Isaiah 43:5 “ Chioma Do not be afraid, for I am with you

    Fight for your mind sister. Your God is with you.




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  51. This was so heartbreaking to read, what you have is severe depression, but rest assured it is treatable with cognitive behavioural therapy and anti depressants, but it truely lies on you to follow through, in order words you need to see a psychologist. Contact @mentallyawareng they will recommend available shrinks who can give you individualised care.You also need to surround yourself with positive people and friends, if you dont have one we are here for you on this blog. Had you dropped your contact details, I for one will take it upon myself to help you through this phase,will still contact stella for it. Just be strong, hang in there, have some faith, all you need is as little as a mustard seed. Always remember we are here for you.

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    Replies
    1. Yea I was going to suggest that. Chioma, please we NEED you!!!! You are NOT alone!!!!

      Delete
  52. I feel sad chioma you have to go through this.Depression is something i am dealing with too and i must tell you its soo hard.the truth now is you dont have to go through this alone.i will recommend you see a doctor who deals with mental health.therapy works.please also get someone you can talk too someone older preferably female who understand depression.sometimes depressions get cured but sometimes we have to manage them for life. And you can start helping yourself by loving yourself.rhis can be hard and its a process but start today.read books that can help about self care eat well and take a lot of vitamins,exercise helps me even though i can be lazy about it but most of all i have God that has helped so i am not hopeless.i read my and say the promises of God to myself.one scripture u like whuch is first john that says our heart might condem us but God is greater than our heart.Pray even if you have to cry when you feel those thoughts.I am hope we will be all fine.I am sure that in paradise i wont be depressed anymore.lots of love from another depressed soul.

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