Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

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Tuesday, August 06, 2019

Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative....

Na wah!!!










STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
SEEKING ADVICE
Good day Stella, I'm a huge fan of yours. I have this problem and I was hoping you could give me some advice...


I've been married for about nine years. We have 3 boys. I just finally understood recently that my husband cares nothing for me. 

Each year, he would come up with a reason to fight. It doesn't matter how filmsy the reason is, he would then go on to keep malice and give me the silent treatment. He convinced me that I was his problem. He would say "everything is working for me except you. You are my problem". I was mousy, quiet and had zero confidence.


I prayed and worked on myself and somehow found my voice. Now I see him in a way I never did before...

He comes home 11pm or 12am. Doesn't speak to me. No communication. I did some snooping and found he is dating this girl.

I am just tired because there is nothing between us. How do I leave? I fear that if I do he would come for my kids. I cannot leave my children yet I cannot live like this. My father won't support me. What can I do?

Do I brave it and just leave?? If I do, he will go about spreading lies about me and maybe come for my kids forcefully.

I'd much rather have him leave.Please kindly advice me...
Thank you.




*He would come for ''your kids?''...They are his kids as well and you cannot just leave,that would amount to kidnapping the kids
You did not mention that there is any form of violence in your mail so thats good.

If you have made up your mind to leave and you are sure it is what you want,why dont you discuss it with him?if you want temporary separation or divorce discuss it with him....

69 comments:

  1. Everyday I want to leave. Madam you haven't told us how your tried working on your relationship or what drove your husband to this state. Please if he's not abusing you, it's not too late; seek professional counselling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How can she work on it. He’s always gone
      Stella most people say my kids when talking to others. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t acknowledge his parental right

      Delete
    2. Can you people just STOP commenting rubbish with this your stupid you didn't tell us what you did that pushed him?

      Haba!!!

      Shebi she follows him about and tells him whether to look nyash on the road or not?

      Please for Christ's sake leave women alone when a man cheats. A man cheats because he wants to cheat. You DON'T need to do anything to a disloyal person for them to crave another private.

      Let it SINK in !!!

      Delete
    3. Anon 15:16 every marriage have its challenges. He at least comes home, the poster can still work on her marriage. He's not being physical on her; her husband must be going through something, she needs to seek professional help for the two of them. You don't say you love someone then give up on them this easily. Especially when its marriage.

      Delete
    4. Most times the emotional and psychological torment is worse than the physical abuse

      Delete
    5. Most times people forget they have to pray for their marriage to work. Human effort alone won't cut it. It takes the grace of God

      Delete
    6. "He at least comes home" She should be happy that he at least comes home. Smh sadly. It's just the society we find ourselves in. Two people must be willing to make it work, there's no how one person would be left to shoulder everything and you expect it to work. Life is too short to stay unhappy for the duration of life itself. This write up itself oozes sadness. I guess you have to communicate how you feel to him. Tell him you have had enough and it's best you guys go your separate ways. Watch how he reacts. Some men need to here this to be jolted back to reality. In the end,do you madam. You didn't state how old children are. Life is too short I say this again. What preparation have you made towards the decision you are considering too? In the end, I pray normalcy or love returns to your home but no one deserves to be unhappy all the days of their lives.

      Delete
    7. But he is abusing her nau- emotionally. This is emotional abuse nau, withholding affection and leaving her companion-less when he took a vow that he would be her partner in life.
      He is a big thief because he is stealing her husband (himself) away from her deliberately. And being a meanie, telling her she is the cause of his problems in this life while he conveniently finds comfort in someone else’s bosom and arms.

      It’s a pity that Stella cannot recognize this. Yes there is no physical violence but google the term “domestic violence” and learn that verbal and emotional abuse is domestic violence.

      He checked out of that marriage ever before you did. He left the marriage first. Take the big hint he has been giving you. Feel very free to leave after careful planning abeg. Do not discuss it with him until you are financially and emotionally ready to leave or he will make your life even more difficult. In the meantime, educate yourself on what you are going through (emotional abuse). Try and understand that dynamics. This will help you a lot. Read stories of other women (and men). These things ALWAYS follow the same pattern.
      Know that it will be tough and yes he will come after the kids- kids he abandons daily o, who he probably hardly ever sees since he comes in at 11-12pm, he will develop a sudden love for them so you need to prepare yourself for that and prepare to fight back. Know that you are not who he says you are. And know also that you are already a single mother. Claim the title, choose peace, health and wellbeing over fear.

      Delete
    8. And what would God do? if she is fed up, she is fed up. the man is only looking for an excuse, she needs to man up and forget what her father would say. he has lived his life in peace, she should too. peace of mind should be her goal

      Delete
    9. Anon 15.05. Thanks for your reply. Most men suffer emotionally but women cry the most. I advise you work on your marriage Madam.

      Delete
    10. This chronicle just made me realize and understand something......na when marriage don tire man, and woman no see way to take redeem face again, naim dem dey form gangster with all the stories that touch!!

      Delete
    11. Myself and hubby were facing challenges, the moment he put a woman on his wall as his gf, that's the day i checked out and moved on. My sister, leave! Dont fight for anything, if he wants you, he will beg for you and change. If not, stay away and ve happy. He has been snatched, sadly. I cant be with a cheating spouse, tufiakwa

      Delete
  2. You better fight that oloshi with anything. Don't allow one shameless hoe to take over your home.
    While at it, chain your dogband

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What the olosho not on her own when the horseband went to meet her huh

      Delete
    2. Two-mouth fan

      Delete
  3. Though this is one side of the story.
    From personal experience about Naija girls (not saying that is
    the situation here), when money is not there anymore,
    they begin to see what they weren't seeing in the marriage before.
    In the Nigerian situation, you will not be able to claim those kids if you leave.
    If you still want that marriage, you've got to fight (spiritually -prayer/fasting which you mentioned before. And do not sin with your mouth) and be patient.
    If you decide to leave 🀐🀐🀐🀐🀐

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You said it all. When they don't get what they want they start saying all sort and abuse. Of course he will seek solace outside. Be nice to your husband.

      Delete
    2. So a woman should be happy and at peace that her husband is spending money on a sidechick and not her. Taking food out of their children's mouths so he can do his stray fckng. And if the table is turned and she chose to take a man on the side all hell would break loose.

      Stop the hypocrisy! Men love to stroke their egos and seek out younger women, especially when their wife's body has changed after childbirth. The same childbirth that allowed him to have the honour of now being called father. Look at all the wealthy wives whose marriages also crashed, it was not for a lack of money. Some of them were absolutely drop dead gorgeous and their husbands still strayed. This shit ain't about no damn money, it's about the lack of morals and good character that plague so many men.

      Delete
  4. Why do some men get married to a lady and then change to strange creatures? What's the rationale behind it?

    I think you should take Stella's advice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Madam, please do what makes you happy, you must be like me, I cannot stand unhappiness for a minute. Life is too short to live in a place that makes you feel stagnant, enjoy life as long as you are not harming anyone. Your hubby has found happiness in the arms of another while you remain a prisoner.

      I am happy you are not thinking of cheating, so it's times to find a solution.

      Firstly, start by having a conversation with him, don't see yourselves as lovers, rather discuss as friends, let him know that you know about the other chic and ask him to be truthful with his feelings for you. Let him know that if you both cannot make it work, it's time you both seek happiness.

      Try and be civil about it all, I have come to realize that people fall in and out of love and there's just nothing that can be done about that.

      Delete
  5. Truth is he is not in that marriage, even from those hurtful words, its glaring . I cannot imagine what you must be going through emotionally. Whatever your decision please be financially independent. Good luck dear.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Loveless marriage.
    There’s really not much you can do poster..
    You can’t just leave with your kids....very sad.
    Ignore him too, work on yourself and get your confidence back.
    Separation is not a bad idea.
    Don’t you have friends you can hang out with sometimes?
    Do you work?
    find ways to make you happy, you owe yourself that.
    Don’t allow anyone mess with your happiness.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So you are basically housemates?

    What's his relationship with the kids like?

    You need to talk to him, tell him to tell you what you have done wrong, if he raises his voice or starts to get angry, remain very very calm.

    Then ask him Do you want me to leave?

    If he says Yes, tell him you would be leaving with the kids.
    He might get heated up but still just remain very very calm and end the conversation there.

    Now start to plan your escape strategy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dont tell him oo.
      Nigerian men will leave before you, take your kids to one relative you've never heard of and chase you out.
      Unless his mentality is ok, which I doubt going by what you just wrote.
      Start making your plans jeje.
      The day you leave, call him that day and let him know.
      Dont tell him where you are though.
      File for divorce.
      The court will then decide his visitation rights.

      Delete
  8. Madam Poster,
    Everything in marriage no be Leave,Leave, Leave ooo. (Dont mind all this 'divorce him' advocates)

    Sometimes you have to tolerate.

    Since he is not hitting you, and he provides for the family, face your children and look for ways to develop yourself, or get financial dependence/empowerment.

    If you leave, what's your plan B on how to take care of yourself and your kids?
    Do not be hasty or foolish in your decisions.
    Be smart and creative in your plans.
    Meanwhile, you can decide to zip up, or use protections with your hubby, to avoid stories that touch the heart.

    ReplyDelete
  9. #deepsigh# why do we have to be at the receiving end of everything...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because it is a man’s world sadly.That is why a lady especially when it comes to marriage has to pray and smart too..

      Delete
    2. Because we give to men the things that should be reserved for God. Most women worship their husbands and marriages like their lives started only after that ring went on their finger. We need to reserve some love for ourselves and make sure we pay our spiritual tithes to God and give NO man God's portion. Until you are laying on a bed walking through the valley of the shadow of death you will not know how useless a man is until you are crying out only to God for divine help. Also we need to honour femininity and the divine female energy. Men cannot treat us well when we do not even treat ourselves and other women well, and daily participate in our own spiritual erasure. They came out of us we did not come out of them, we need to remember who we truly are and our place in the divine plan. We are not just a vagina and a uterus, we are divine beings of God created out of the most beautiful part of God's imagination, made for a higher calling and a higher spiritual purpose than just being a mother and wife.

      Delete
    3. How can I give you this commenter a billion hugs. You are blessed intellectually.

      Thank you so much for this comment. People should know that things they write change and help people, even if it just one person, you are impacting the world positively.

      Also to Stella, your blog is amazing.

      Delete
  10. I say do what you want your marriage to be
    I hear you say no communication and there’s distance. Well arrange baby sitting and let him know you are planning a weekend getaway to an in town hotel. Plan some activities and see if you can reconnect. Not in sex but just in getting along
    If he won’t agree to that then say you’d like to have a conversation with him. Sit him down and say what’s on your mind or see if he’ll agree to counseling

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't do this. Go away for a week with your kids, not to your dad, but to another city,and see wonders. Don't call him whilst u are away. If he doesn't call, then it over, but trust me lol he will call, and don't answer... Return the call the next day, but don't talk for long,and go like I will call u back. U won't call ooo

      Delete
  11. this is what u get when u don't love urself enough and hustle for urself in case shit hits the fan make u no go dey look uche face

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it . I sent this chronicle weeks back but couldn't wait for advice. I went ahead and discussed it with him and I've begun the process of separation. It was hard because it's my family and I didn't want to tear my kids from their Dad. But we are working on sharing them as it were. He is their father after all. I wish could stay but he doesn't love me. I know he married me out of pity... We have been to counsellors, everywhere... nothing has worked. The cheating was the last straw. He barely speaks to me. He just ignores me and spends time with the kids. I can't beg anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well done sis. He says he’s not interested so good on you to move on
      Do you think he’s having mid life crisis
      Some men do come back when their heads clear. Whether you should want him back is a different story

      Delete
    2. Sad that the kids will have to be 'shared'. Your situation is capable eroding one's self esteem completely. Imagine the emotional pain. It's still sad that with your present decision, the trauma won't go away on its own. You need to empower urself from within, decide to be happy and confident in yourself,have no expectations of your husband, shutdown your emotions, then begin loving yourself.

      Delete
    3. That's a bold and brave move. Let go and let God. Sometimes when a man is emotionally distant and abusive, you need to let go. Now start working on yourself. Find something to do no matter how small. Be positive and independent. For him to agree he also wants his freedom. Make sure you have an agreement in place for him to provide for the children. They are the innocent victims in all this.

      Delete
    4. Sad story.
      Meaning from courtship days, there was no love πŸ’πŸΏ‍♂️
      Sorry about the whole thing.

      Delete
    5. Really sad @SluttyChic.
      Madam this too shall pass. Just be strong

      Delete
    6. It's when it gets to the child custody stage his real colour will show. Prepare physically and spiritually for the new woman who will be in his life. He will get a replacement and it will be soon. She will get to influence his decisions concerning the kids. Both of you will agree to something, he will go back home to her and then change his mind. If you're financially independent 80% of these problems can be avoided.

      Delete
    7. I'm glad you made the right decision even though you hadn't seen a response to your chronicle. Let go and let God. Work on yourself. Start something no matter how small. Be at peace with your soon to be ex. Don't say or do anything to antagonize him or his new girlfriend. Resist the urge to put your kids in the middle. Talk to trusted family member or friend when you're frustrated, not the kids. If you trust no one, talk to God. Wishing you the best.

      Delete
    8. You made the right decision.

      I just hope he provides for his kids. It'll be hard in the beginning but you will be fine. You will find love again!

      Delete
  13. I think you are worried about leaving because of money and him taking your kids. This is what most people worry about when wanting to leave.

    In any relationship where you are deeply unhappy and you cannot leave immediately, you need an exit plan. You can only do this with a correct head so use your children to motivate yourself.

    You mentioned that you worked on yourself and found your voice, that’s a great step. Now you need financial empowerment and a support system. You must focus on this squarely and pray incessantly for what you want. Plan and take small steps towards your final goal.

    Do you have any family that you can talk to? You will be surprised at how much better you will feel when you tell someone what you are facing. Forget shame o! Mental health first. Although be cautious and discerning due to frenemies even within the family. One woman who took emotional abuse for so long is now roaming the streets as a confirmed mad woman while the husband is now with the sidechick. People are even feeling sorry for him, imagine!

    In the end, even if you intend to stay and things have improved with him, you will still be better off if you have achieved your own goals as you will have options. Everyone should have options so now focus on yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can be in the house and do your things. You can improve more on your self. Just try your best to be what he thinks you're not. I do not advice that you leave the marriage but grow. Go out and meet good people who will impact positively in your life. If you have a degree with enough work experience, try this Canadian express entry. Write the English test and see what happens. Include your kids in the application. My dear don't dull yourself. Forgive your husband no matter what, don't leave the marriage, instead use this period for great growth.

      Delete
  14. Ok if that is the best for you best wishes ,marriages are on attack these days if not from feminists ,it is poverty,or lack of performance or evil in-laws, God will help us all

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree wholeheartedly. I suppose men are these perfect paragons of virtue. Nothing is ever their fault.

      Delete
  15. Darling, leaving that marriage may seem like the best thing to do right now but how rational is that, when you don't even have a place to go? from the tone of your writeup, you aren't financially stable either. How do you cope with 3 boys, assuming their father allows you go with them? True, staying in a marriage just because of the kids may end up being counterproductive, especially in a dysfunctional or abusive home, but sometimes it is the better option, especially when you can't take proper care of them on your own.

    Once you become a mother, you put your kids' wellbeing before yours, in most cases. As long as your life isn't being threatened or at risk, you may have to sacrifice for your kids. Honey, I know it seems unfair, you are entitled to love, joy and laughter, but right now, your kids should be worth the sacrifice. Your kids are still very young and used to a particular lifestyle, don't yank it away from them because your hubby has stopped loving you. I'm sure you have your issues too, your hubby may have his grievance against you. I'm not one to bash your hubby so you feel good. Telling you how horrible your hubby is, will not help you in anyway. You wrote in, so my message is for you.

    You don't have to leave a loveless marriage, especially when you don't have a practical plan B. You can remain under the same roof as your hubby but live like roommates for the sake of the kids. You claim there's nothing between you guys, so this shouldn't be too difficult. Focus on your kids and try to develop yourself more. You may be surprised to see changes in your husband the minute you start ignoring him and acting like you don't care. Don't be the one to ask whether he wants a divorce, if he wants it, he will tell you without any prompting. Once your boys are old enough and you still feel like leaving the marriage, you can leave. At least you will be more prepared and independent and wouldn't be too worried about your boys. They may even support your decision.

    Sweetheart, I congratulate you for finding your voice and being a better version of you, it takes courage to do so. However, you have to count the cost of any decision you make, especially when kids are involved. These are their formative years and any wrong decision can scar your kids for life. Hang in there, my love. It may look gloomy today but who knows what the future holds? I wish you good fortune.
    e-hugs and kisses.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Erm, auntie Rolanda, she confess for up say the man no love her again! Ngwanu?
      Therein lies all the solutions.

      Delete
    2. Yes you can remain in a loveless marriage when physical abuse is not involved for the sake of the children..I was in a similar situation for 12 yrs with my two kids because of financial reason and paper things I live abroad...But unfortunately when I was going crazy and lonely I strayed now my kids and my paper are sorted and now he's showing crazy love for me...Last week he found a text from my lover and he started to cry imagine the man that always received his lovers phone call in my presence...Anyways I own nobody an apology to find happiness that way

      Delete
    3. Easier said than done!

      This is exactly why a large number of married women are engaged in extramarital affairs.

      This man doesn't love her or respect her. Some men cheat but shower their wives with so much love and attention that their wives overlook their escapades and stay put.

      If the writer stays put and falls in love with another man along the line, the same people who encouraged her to remain in a lovesless marriage will bash her for wanting to experience love again.

      Marriage is not a do or die affair!

      Dear women, the importance of financial independence cannot be overemphasised. Please make out time to empower yourselves. These men are not trustworthy and marriages aren't full proof these days. Do your best to make a living so that if you ever find yourself at a crossroad, you can walk away confidently. In the event that you decide to remain in the marriage, it'll be becuase you decided to give your marriage a chance rather than lack of funds or the fear of your inability to provide for your kids.

      Delete
    4. One million likes for your comment Nicole. πŸ‘ πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

      Delete
  16. I have a question oh!

    Is it a sin to date while separated ( not divorce) for both parties or its allowed?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No now
      Go ahead
      But that’s not the point of separation

      Delete
    2. not as sin hun!

      Both of you have decided to part ways

      The basis for divorce scripturaly is infidelity

      Dude is dating someone...Move on girl!

      Go date...you are free but you gotta be discreet before he suddenly wakes up out of jealousy and comes after you

      Delete
  17. Madam, why are you dulling?
    That small girl will destroy your home sooner or later.
    This is what my mom put up with, until my Aunty's best friend ruined our home and i vowed never to take it from any fool of a husband or any olosho.
    When my husband reared his ugly head, i "fixed" him, now i call the shots... These men ain't loyal.
    I know someone who can permanently turn your husband's back against the side chic, and he will become loyal just like mine, and never look outside again.
    Protect your children's future before you loose your home to a stray olosho.
    Reply under my comment, if interested.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Madam fixer, chronicles poster hasn’t replied your comment 😜she’s not interested.

      Delete
    2. I’m interested o, please drop your contact and I’m not the poster

      Delete
    3. I am oh if it is not babalawo

      Delete
  18. This chronicle is not complete.
    I can bet there is already a new guy, let me not go into asking why you didn't tell us what used to be the cause of you guys problems in the first place and how you tried to make it work.
    If una won send chronicle, take your time to give us full gist abeg, we no dey complain about how long it is, you can seek the assistance of Ruben Abati sef, now wahala.

    Madam, I will need to pass on this as I refuse to be a party in teaching you ways to destabilize someone I'm not sure needs punishment. Bless

    Dante

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well said @dante. Incomplete story

      Delete
  19. Stories like this makes marriage scare me. God abeg o

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you all so much for your love and support. I really do appreciate it. @Ronalda: I do have the financial capability. It's just that I still love him. He's the one I chose to spend my life with. I thought we would grow old together... But the the pain is too much. To have to deal with his coldness every year. It's been like this since we got married. I didn't understand at first. Later, I found out he chose me because his ex at the time cheated on him and he also found out that she couldn't have kids. But he hid all this from me. I was so naive... I had to make the findings on my own... We dated for roughly two years and then got wedded...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pls find another man ASAP
      He might love you if only you stop being so available no matter
      It’s hard to love a woman that tolerates too much

      Delete
  21. Oga madam, are you too big to ask questions? Apologise? Manage your home? My dear don't take a step of selfishness ('divorce' without considering your children). I bet you will regret in future if you do.

    ReplyDelete
  22. sad the backward attitudes nigerians still have towards divorce. as if marriage is a ticket to happiness or heaven. What if she gets a disease from his cheating or the man kills her out of resentment

    ReplyDelete
  23. Please think it through and don't be hasty to conclude you want to leave after 3, don't allow your emotional state make you take a wrong decision you will regret.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Make an attempt to get counseling maybe from your pastor. At least make a show of trying, so as to protect yourself from blame down the road. This is not the time to hide in shame, tell your siblings, mother and close friends what you are experiencing. His words can also be threatening and if anything happens to you they need to know. One sin always leads to another and it is not impossible for him to try to get rid of you if he feels that you are blocking his path to happiness, do not accept his words as purely idle talk. Start putting money aside and saving hard for your exit should it happen. This is a period where you need to stockpile and maybe you will have to stick around to make sure that you have everything in order before moving on.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Nothing a little drop of sniper in his soup won't cure. Thank me later.

    ReplyDelete

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