Hmmmm...
THE WORRIES OF A SINGLE MOTHER
Hello Stella.
Will you post my story, please? I am looking for advice and experiences from people who have walked the path I am on now.
I have recently become a single mum. I was initially married to the father of my child (an urhobo man). We got married traditionally in 2018. I just got my papers abroad a few months before I met him so after the marriage ceremony, I quickly moved to the USA so i could give birth there.
I and my ex-husband never had a moment of peace. His constant refusal to take up financial responsibilities of our child turned me into a crazy nagging woman. It was like him and his family wanted me to bear all the financial responsibilities of our son since I live abroad.
At that point, I was a new immigrant without a good job yet. I was happy to do my part of the expenses but I still expected him to contribute in accordance to his income. His excuse was how do I expect him to take care of our expenses abroad with his income in Nigeria. Getting up to 25,000 ($50) naira out of him in a month was a big trouble (he makes at least 200k a month and he has no extended family responsibilities as the last born of 10 children).
I returned to his house in Nigeria in 2019 after birthing my son in the USA. The same problem continued - always refusing to buy food or do home expenses. whenever he bought food in the house, he would announce it ooooooooo "i don buy food now o, i don buy food now o".
Fast forward January, 2020, i was set to go back to the USA (mind you all these quarrels and attitude of stinginess made me lose interest in filing for him). Our both families came together and settled us. March 2020, the same problem started again, for many months, he did not contribute a dime to my son's care. blamed it on pandemic.
My question now is what are my chances of finding true love as a mum to a 2 years old boy. I hear that most naija guys (especially the ones who have not given birth) will not go near a single mum.
Is it better to find love here in Nigeria or focus in the abroad?
Pls keep me anonymous.
I will be reading your comments.
Hello Stella.
Will you post my story, please? I am looking for advice and experiences from people who have walked the path I am on now.
I have recently become a single mum. I was initially married to the father of my child (an urhobo man). We got married traditionally in 2018. I just got my papers abroad a few months before I met him so after the marriage ceremony, I quickly moved to the USA so i could give birth there.
I and my ex-husband never had a moment of peace. His constant refusal to take up financial responsibilities of our child turned me into a crazy nagging woman. It was like him and his family wanted me to bear all the financial responsibilities of our son since I live abroad.
At that point, I was a new immigrant without a good job yet. I was happy to do my part of the expenses but I still expected him to contribute in accordance to his income. His excuse was how do I expect him to take care of our expenses abroad with his income in Nigeria. Getting up to 25,000 ($50) naira out of him in a month was a big trouble (he makes at least 200k a month and he has no extended family responsibilities as the last born of 10 children).
I returned to his house in Nigeria in 2019 after birthing my son in the USA. The same problem continued - always refusing to buy food or do home expenses. whenever he bought food in the house, he would announce it ooooooooo "i don buy food now o, i don buy food now o".
If people visit us and dash me money as a new mum, 2k, 3k, 5k he will ask me to share it with him. Coupled with constant drinking and late nights. We quarreled and I moved back to my dad's with my baby.
Mind you, anytime we have even the smallest misunderstanding, he will just tell me he will no longer give me a dime for my son.
Fast forward January, 2020, i was set to go back to the USA (mind you all these quarrels and attitude of stinginess made me lose interest in filing for him). Our both families came together and settled us. March 2020, the same problem started again, for many months, he did not contribute a dime to my son's care. blamed it on pandemic.
We quarreled heavily over the phone. I came to Nigeria Jan 2021 with my son, he came to my father s house and said we should reconcile. Then someone that works in his office hinted to me that he went to pay another girl's bride price in December 2020 and she is like 7 months pregnant and living with him.
I went to his house unannounced and it was true.
He is no longer in contact with me and my son anymore, he told me pointblank that my son will never see him again and he wont give us a dime as well. Well, I am happy another woman has taken over my burden and I am free. But I am now a single mum.
He is no longer in contact with me and my son anymore, he told me pointblank that my son will never see him again and he wont give us a dime as well. Well, I am happy another woman has taken over my burden and I am free. But I am now a single mum.
My question now is what are my chances of finding true love as a mum to a 2 years old boy. I hear that most naija guys (especially the ones who have not given birth) will not go near a single mum.
Will I be able to find someone who will love me, marry me and accept my son? Are there any single mums in the house? How has the journey been for you? Do you have a stable relationship or are you remarried or still single?
Is it better to find love here in Nigeria or focus in the abroad?
Pls keep me anonymous.
I will be reading your comments.
*This is how Delta men will be disgracing themselves up and down...GOSH!!
Let me leave the way for single mums to answer you but babe please know that when you find love, he will love your child like it is his...
Also please be careful of love scammers who might want to marry you so that you can file for them to enter America and then dump you when they settle down.
Dont forget to get properly divorced ...
Lol..na how to get man be your problem? Hahahaha, see, FOCUS o giving your kid a good life and use anyone u see hold body, no commitment for now, have fun until the man that has no qualms about your status enters your hood. If you want to be sister mary, that's your load, but dont let man matter make u depressed, its not really worth been downcast, or is it?
ReplyDeleteHonestly these concerns of yours are not even valid now. Ilk suggest you focus abroad and even find a guy over there b4 Naija guys scam you for love. Guys are desperate over here and you're vulnerable right now...
DeleteAs a rivers babe way marry urohbo man,my hubby dey over try. Stella this my husband different oh,my money na my money guy man dose everything. Okay poster my cousin had 3 children before she now met and married her husband. Who was very single never had a child and very rich. He accepted her children as his,and even changed their last name to his. She had 3 more children for him. When you ask him how many children he would tell you 6. His 1st child,which is not his biological son is in covenant so go figure. Just relax the right man would come.
DeletePOSTER LISTEN:::: from the beginning his plan was to get the papers from you, that was why he came to beg for reconciliation this January and I’m sure u would have patched things up, file for him to get his papers if you had not found out he got married and his new wife is pregnant. So my dear don’t ever return to that man I beg u, take care of your child , marriage is sweet and also very overrated
DeletePoster please take care of yourself and child first ,
ReplyDeletelove will find you.
If you have not filed for the father of your son don't do it,you live in america cool go on a dating site.pray about it
DeletePoster, I want to believe you now resides in the US of A! Please, forget about getting hooked up for now and make sure you have a job to help settle your bills, take care of your boy and yourself.
ReplyDeleteIf you want, register for a professional course if you can afford it; if you can't, put it at the back of your mind that you will be needing it when you're financially bouyant.
If you must date any man at all, whether black or Caucasian, they must be ready to accept you and your child, and you must not trade your child for love; This is very important!
Find a balance between your child and your man (that's when you're aware that he's a genuine somebody)
Don't be fooled by words of mouth or small money, they won't be able to cure the pains and the hurts that comes with an heartless man.
Be careful and be at alert all the time. There are lots of sick people especially in the abroad.... Protect yourself and your child always. Don't gamble with your child.
I wish you strength and courage 🤗
Nicely put..Poster this is good
DeletePoster take up this advice
DeleteI am pretty sure you will find someone to love and cherish you despite all odds.The said Urhobo man is annoyingly crass and stingy.Argh!
ReplyDeleteI'm deltan but God knows I don't want to marry one. The entitlement is annoying!
ReplyDeleteMadam please quietly move abroad since you can. Love will find you eventually.
Not all Delta men dear. I'm married to an Isoko man. And I can tell you categorically that no man comes close to mine . He's simply the best.
DeleteCategorically tell you that, I meant to write
DeletePoster you’ve traveled abroad and you’re this naive? Babes single mum’s of these days are the in thing ooo unless you don’t package yourself well. Ok look at Ehi the interior designer. A whole lot of them.
ReplyDeleteBtw you going to USA on and off yet still struggling to feed I don’t understand. Thought when you travel abroad your problems are finished 🤷 Biko you’re not giving me good vibes.
I was a divorced single mum of a 4 year old boy when my hubby married me, he is a year older than me and very rich, just have faith and package yourself well, there is nothing too big for God
DeleteMadam face your life and your very young child. Trying to cover your perceived shame with another marriage is not wise. Have you even given yourself a chance to learn from your mistakes? How much time did you even spend physically with your sperm donor?
ReplyDeletePoster,you told us everything he did wrong but didn't mention where you were ever wrong.
ReplyDeleteHaving a US citizenship or GreenCard places you in a precarious situation when it comes to finding true love in Nigeria. I will advise getting someone in the US who already has his own legal residence as most Nigerians that get their papers through fiancé’s in the US turn out to be monster. Note the word most but not all.
ReplyDeleteTo the main point, I met my wife years ago as a young college graduate in Nigeria and she already had a son that was 6 years old. Today, we are happily married with other kids and living in Canada.
The answer to your question is Yes if you trust God and commit your ways to Him. The Bible says: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge and He shall direct your path. Most men that marry single mothers end up having special favor with God but many single men lack this understanding.
Your last line is apt. I’m a single mum and my son is a blessing to my life. God told me I will have a son 5 years before I had my son. Since his dad walked away from us I have been progressing up and up in my career and financially, any man that marries me and accept my son is blessed for the rest of his life.
DeleteI’m not desperate God already told me when the man will show up.
Dear poster, one step at a timea, settle yourself first and be able take care of yourself and your boy. When it's time the man will show up and God. Will give you the wisdom to choose.
ReplyDeleteBe calming down and take your time.
Oh so sorry Hun for all you went through, God will see you through. Well I am a single Mom, I must tell you that it hasn't been easy, single moms are stereotyped here. I have had my own dose of the constant abandonment by interested guys. But currently I am seeing a good man, not perfect but the feeling is genuine and accepted my child. I also know someone who has a son like you and just recently got married. so dear don't let your fears deter you. You will find true love at the right time and just like Stella said, the said person must accept your son like his own. I wish you all the best of luck
ReplyDelete"I hear that most naija guys (especially the ones who have not given birth) will not go near a single mum". Please where did you 'hear' this? In the bible? Of course not.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, please only 'hear' what God has written for you. You will get married to a wonderful man. Many single mothers (with more than one child) have happily gotten married. Infact, they are happier now because they took their time in making the decision the second time.
The only things I'd suggest you do are:
1. Go close to God. Infact hold his hand tight. Tell him to walk the walk with you. Tell him to show you your purpose on earth, why he brought you to this world. This, after salvation of your soul, is the most important thing in your life! More important than the marriage you crave.
This is the only thing that brings real fulfillment in life not marriage. When you discover purpose, God will quickly send your husband. Because, he'll send someone with a purpose that matches your life and the bliss that this brings cannot be explained. You'll literally sail through life with 'your friend'.
2. Take marriage off your mind and focus on building yourself into a better person than you are now. Happiness is attractive so always be happy. Very important. No one wants to be with a sad or grumpy person no matter how beautiful she/he is.
3. Return the man's bride price. This is compulsory. So you have no ties physically and spiritually with him.
4. Invest in your child now he has you all to himself. Make investments for him.
Wait for God (give him time) and you'll be happily married. Read Isaiah 34:16.
God bless you.
Jechix you have spoken well..Poster follow this one
DeleteHugs and kisses to you. Number 1 especially made me reflect on my own personal life too. At the end of the day, There’s no marriage in heaven. So make we all strive to make heaven first. And yes marrying the right man or woman is also beautiful.
DeleteYou married an urhobo and expect him to feed you. You are learner.
ReplyDeleteGet properly divorced and get some stability before venturing into relationships. Yes you can fine genuine love in naija or abroad. Just ensure you keep your paper work a secret until you are sure of the person. Also pray so that you don't fall into wrong hands,no rush abeg.
ReplyDeleteYou have not even healed from this one and you are already looking for another man.
ReplyDeleteNo wonder. It was desperation that got you entangled with that man you call a husband.
You are so desperate, you are a total put-off.
To be sincere, I was taken aback by her questions. Wasn’t expecting that line of question based on what she wrote she experienced but then again priorities differ.
DeletePoster please no matter what you decide to do, always place the happiness and well-being of your son before any man. Do not compromise the well-being of your child just to be in a relationship be it marriage or otherwise. Just saying...
Also get close to God.
My dear. Pls be calming down. My landlady is a grand mum. Her husband died in 2017 and she remarried January this year to a very handsome 50+ divorcée. My neighbor is a single mum. Her son is 4yrs.She got married to a dashing sweet millionaire bobo. We single ladies in that compound still dey oo lol. Our ways are far wide apart from the ways of God. Getting married does not have manual. Thank God you have a son. Be happy dear. Enjoy this single hood while it last. Don't bear anything against your ex. You will surely get married sooner than you imagined.
ReplyDeleteI doubt this your husband was a user.
ReplyDeleteHe was just tired of him.
You probably forced him into marriage and now you are looking for another man.
Don't worry. More men will come, use you and dump you cos you are so desperate.
Are you a Delta man? Better repent o.lol
DeletePosters husband, welcome Sir.
DeleteI am so happy you are free of that looser , right now is time to focus on yourself and your son and not love. Build yourself up to a woman you and your son will be proud of and the right man will locate you . Do not be desperate or lower your standards just because you are a single mom . It’s time to be wiser when it comes to men , there are a lot of goals diggers out there and you are the perfect target . You will be fine dear, just stay strong and prayerful and things will fall into place .
ReplyDeleteI am a single mother of a daughter too. We are currently not divorced but living apart and there is a lady already pregnant for him.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes. He is from Delta state
You will find love. Don't lose hope but you need to shine your eyes very well. Don't tell them that you are in America o. Beware of too much show of love from any guy, it could be a love scam.
ReplyDeleteYou should be happy and Live your life,God has removed such burden from you. You will find true love just live your life
ReplyDeleteWhy are you so concerned about someone loving you or accepting you because you already have a child? So so unnecessary. At the moment, focus on yourself and son. Develop yourself and along the line something beautiful can happen again. Stop worrying yourself about men accepting you or not. A man who truly loves and care for you wont mind if you have a child or a single mother. You will find love again and anywhere if you are lovable.
ReplyDeleteYou will surely find love again. I have at least 6 friends that were single mums, married, divorced and re-married a single guy. In fact, one of them married a man younger than her with all these seeming baggage. He loves her to the heavens . They are all still happily married to their second husbands with no issues at all.
ReplyDeleteMy point, your mind is very important in this battle. What you believe will surely come to pass. Guard your heart jealously, don't feed it with negative comments about how difficult it is to find love as a single mum.
This is a general issue with irresponsible men not just Delta men issue.
ReplyDeleteSis, concentrate on empowering yourself -spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and financially.
Build a relationship with God, that's the only way you can find true love through His guidance.
Love yourself unconditionally, don't allow anyone to take advantage of you because you are a single mother.
Know your self worth, anyone that loves you must love your child too, don't settle out of desperation.
Invest your money wisely.
Love will find you, and you will laugh last.
Some men no longer care whether you are a single lady or a single mother.
This is a general issue with irresponsible men not just Delta men issue.
ReplyDeleteSis, concentrate on empowering yourself -spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and financially.
Build a relationship with God, that's the only way you can find true love through His guidance.
Love yourself unconditionally, don't allow anyone to take advantage of you because you are a single mother.
Know your self worth, anyone that loves you must love your child too, don't settle out of desperation.
Invest your money wisely.
Love will find you, and you will laugh last.
Some men no longer care whether you are a single lady or a single mother.
Poster please for now focus on loving yourself, your son and healing.
ReplyDeleteHave fear in nothing. Everyone can find love, and it is far easier for a single mother who is divorced to find love than for one who had her child out of wedlock. For some reason men are more forgiving of divorced women. Remember that you are in the US, the culture and mindset is different, even though many Nigerians still hold on to their culture, there are a great many who are completely north American in their mindset. This is not an issue, and when the time is right you will meet the right person. Focus on your spiritual, mental, emotional and financial health for now.
ReplyDeletePoster, heed to Stella advice.
ReplyDeleteI can categorically tell you you'll find love again. I was a single mom of one like you from Western part of Nigeria, but now I'm happily married to a man from East with two beautiful children. So relax your mind, be open minded, at the right time love will find you again, but shine your eyes o.
Delta men? 🤔...I think it's Warri men that have that trait.
ReplyDeletePoster, focus on yourself and your son, be happy. True love will find you at the right time.
These days, good men do not care of you are a single mom as long as you are responsible.
Warri na still Delta
DeleteRemain in the USA and work to take care of your child, the right man will come
ReplyDeleteFocus on developing yourself.
ReplyDeleteOnly women that have less to offer or the ones with attitude problem find getting lov hard.
I know a woman who has been married multiple times.. she's a professor. The last time I was with her, she bragged about how she has never lacked marriage proposal all the period she was single after each marriage break up. She said most girls of nowadays are just not smart but will be doing over sabi. She was in her 50s when she got married this last time. And she has always married men of high value, so it's nothing like they were gold diggers or something. God forbid, but imagine Ngozi okonjo becomes a single mother, do you know how many successful great men would be interested in getting married to her, it would be a thing of pride and ego boost for them to be a husband of such an outstanding lady.
So new single mum.. develop yourself and don't settle for less. If desperation is sensed by fuck boys, they'll take advantage of you and you'll end up worse and bitter.
Good luck
Poster this your story never complete.
ReplyDeleteTell us the truth of what happened.
Like how she relocated immediately after marriage and refused to file for him bah.. that's just very low and shady..
DeleteHowever,she's divorced now and need advice to face the future, that's why I focused only on that in my comment..
Blessed night my gee
Poster don’t even doubt yourself for a second. I’m a single mum my son is 6 and I have been doing it alone since he was age 1. I live in the abroad and many single guys won’t leave me alone right now I have a bf and he has a son but he is also not with his baby mother and we have a very beautiful relationship. I’m a hot single mum infact you will never believe I have a child. I have a great job and recently started a multi million naira business omo life is good and God keeps blessing me.
ReplyDeleteForget your ex look after your son and the right man will find you. Close your legs and pretend you’re a mermaid tho because that’s what I did and still doing.
Shalom
My dear poster,my advice is to stay back in US and give ur so a good life. As for you having a Mann that will love you,mmmmmm you will,all you need is to package urself and have self confidence in urself.
ReplyDeleteThe only woman I'm in love and never give me attention to a single mum. Omolade..... you know I'm crazy about you.
So poster, don't appear vulnerable,just have confidence in urself
Enjoy life on daily basis, take life easy everyday. Stop worrying over things you didn't create rather concentrate on things that makes you happy.
ReplyDeleteLove will find you someday.