REMARRYING AN ADOPTED DAUGHTER
My siblings and I are currently dealing with a worrisome issue in our family, and it involves our 61‑year‑old father, who is also a pastor.
About three years ago, my mother passed away, and since then he has been living alone. We have been urging him to remarry.
Recently, he expressed his intention to remarry, but the problem is the person he has chosen ...She is an adopted spiritual daughter of my late mother.
This woman was a single mother of one whom my late mother took in, supported, absorbed into the church, helped learn a trade, paid her rent for years until she could stand on her feet, and even paid her child’s school fees out of kindness.
This woman was a single mother of one whom my late mother took in, supported, absorbed into the church, helped learn a trade, paid her rent for years until she could stand on her feet, and even paid her child’s school fees out of kindness.
To us, it feels like he is marrying his own child. We are not opposed to our father remarrying as that is something we genuinely want but the choice of person is the issue. This woman was like a child of the family, and bringing her into the family in that way feels wrong.
We have tried talking to him about it, but he is not listening to any of us. He keeps saying that he was directed by God and that the elders of the church have prayed about it and are in support. I have cried countless times over this. I am so disappointed. I don’t see myself attending the wedding or going near the house anymore if he goes ahead with it.
We have tried talking to him about it, but he is not listening to any of us. He keeps saying that he was directed by God and that the elders of the church have prayed about it and are in support. I have cried countless times over this. I am so disappointed. I don’t see myself attending the wedding or going near the house anymore if he goes ahead with it.
Let this man breath and find happiness again...She is not his daughter or your sister....She is not related to you by blood as well......Start seeing her in another light....Your dad probably feels comfortable with us cos she may have learnt how to care for him from your mum........You cant stop them, dont shut them out...
It doesnt feel wrong at all....it may have been wrong if she was related to you..
I know someone who married his fathers brothers daughter and his son will marry his brothers daughter........Their family does not see anything wrong...
Abi you dey jealous?
Mtcheww
ReplyDeleteAnon, hahahahahahahaha.
DeleteIt will shock you that they already started before your Mum's death. Allow them abeg.
DeleteE possible o..
DeleteI understand the poster. They see her as a sister and suddenly she is becoming their step Mum.
ReplyDeleteIt will probably spoil the relationship they had.It is well. Some relationships are a no. whether there is blood or not. It just doesn't sit well.
There's no issue here poster rather you're the issue. The woman is not related to you or your father in any way so your father isn't doing anything wrong. It's better he married who he knows than a total stranger. Let your father and the woman be happy and face your own life.
ReplyDeleteWhat if she killd the poster mum and have been knacking their father even when the mum was alive
DeleteStella sometimes you amaze some of us with how you speak and think, and it questions your values. The fact that this is okay to you does not make it right in any way maybe because you do not understand what loyalty and respect means.
ReplyDeleteThis is someone that is seen as a child of the family and it is okay for them to have these concerns .
Poster your feelings and concerns are valid and no you’re not jealous it is a dishonor to your mother, but have you people spoken to your dad calmly ? And the said lady what’s she saying ?
I wonder what kind of woman wants to marry her benefactor's husband. No shame or anything. She wan become mama, especially sensing the kids don't like it, she should have left him alone. Poster your Dad has made up his mind. Nothing you can do about it
DeleteAllow your father marry who he feels comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteI understand you poster. Someone who always calls you aunty if I am not mistaken and accord respect to you and your siblings due to the help your late mum rendered to her is now going to be your stepmother. The reverse will be the case now. In fact na mummy una go dey call her if your dad get married to her as pastor wife concerned. My advice is since that is what your dad wants, just let him have his way if it will help him enjoy his old age and make him happy
ReplyDeleteWoman wey una popsy possibly fit don dey lash tay tay since una mumsy go. Abeg make una free the man. He has done nothing wrong by choosing that particular lady.
ReplyDeleteI only see something here. The OP believes the lady her dad has chosen to marry, does not reach their 'level' and is beneath them. You can notice the condescension in her writing where she described the lady. In her mind, her dad has 'fall hand ' by chosen someone who to her appears more or less like the maid of the house.
OP, at 61 your dad is still very much strong for activities in 'za oza' room. Trust and respect his judgement. Except for one reason or the other, you treated that lady horribly some time in the past and you are scared of the tables turning, I don't see any reason why you should be against her as a wife for your dad.
I don't think that's the OP'S view on d condescending. The lady is like their relative. Their aunt or uncle. So it's surreal kind of.
DeleteAnd I totally understand per pov
HF beddings. Thank God you said ‘like’ but she is not her uncle or aunty. So they can go ahead and marry.
DeleteKids always feel they have the right to dictate to their widowed parent who to remarry. If they are boys and their mom want to remarry, they wud always fight the man, if they are girls and their dad wants to remarry, they would always fight the woman.
I’m not in ur shoes so I can’t even possibly judge you for feeling a certain kind of way. Imagine someone u first treated like a sister and now you have to treat her like a step mom.
ReplyDeleteI think you should just let them be and try to avoid her as much as possible.
There is nothing wrong with him marrying her.She is not your blood relation. She is well known to him and she will be safer for him.
ReplyDeleteMe here wondering why after just 3 years of your mom's passing, you all were already disturbing your dad to remarry.
ReplyDeleteHow can one disconnect from someone they might have spent over 20 years with, in just 3 years?
Then, the new wife comes, and the deceased wives belongings and all, have to be removed, including her picture frames / couple frames, etc. So as to accommodate the new wife and make the place her home.
(A home another woman built for over 20 years ooo.)
Thumbs up to mothers who were widowed at many times in their thirties or late twenties,, some with children who ain't even done with high school, , (some up to 4 children) and chose not to remarry. Just to honour their husband, keep his name and home, and stay for their children. It wasn't easy of course. Many passed through thick and thin, to be both father and mother to the children, and at the same time provide for them, shelter and train them up till university level. They are the real mvp. G.O.A.T of all times
Not like the above is a standard ooo. Or a must do oo. Just referencing.
So, I don't see why a man in his 60s who might have grown up children already, would be rushed to remarry.
He's not even idle for goodness sake. He has a ministry he will be busy with.
He can hire house manager to oversee the home affair.
Now you all have put the thought in his head, and wanna complain about his choice?
Well back to the issue.
I totally understand how you feel and I can't relate to it.
Have you tried to call the lady and just ask her , her view on the matter?
Just make it a casual call. Not threats. Ask her what she thinks about it.
If her response synchronizes with your dad, you can further ask her (in same mild and casual tone ) that you thought she took you all as family. Your parents as hers. The children like her siblings. Then ask what changed?
If she still insists, just let her and your father be. Cos there's nothing you say or do that can stop them.
So no need to create enemies. But you are not mandated to attend. If you cant stand it, Don't go.
Just know that, the place might not feel like home again.
You may never get to see the traces of your mom, except maybe in a bag , in the store.
But I understand that, your Dad's joy, Peace and happiness, surpasses all these. After all, life is for the living right?
If not for the pastoring seek......
DeleteI for just advise make una dad get one advanced woman for relationship.....
Remarried will drop some unfurnished job after old age..... una go train new kids at his old age.....
61? Wish you all the best...
Relax poster. I feel the woman is the best option since she's someone you know and can vouch for. Or would you prefer he marries a total stranger?
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. May be they prefer a total stranger that would come and scatter their home and separate them frm their daddy
DeleteAnd there is still no guarantee what this one will do.
Deleteour pain is understandable. The issue isn't that your father wants to remarry; it's that he's chosen someone your late mother loved, supported, and treated like a daughter. For many people, that would feel uncomfortable and difficult to accept.
ReplyDeleteThat said, your father is an adult and will ultimately make his own decision. Share your concerns respectfully, but avoid turning it into a fight that permanently damages your relationship.
You don't have to support the marriage or attend the wedding if it goes against your convictions. Just be careful not to make a decision in the heat of hurt that you may regret later. Give yourself time, protect your peace, and remember that disagreeing with your father doesn't mean you have to lose him completely. ❤️
Hmmm it feels funny like all the time their mother was mothering, their father was probably lusting the so called adopted daughter. Nothing Mallam no go see for gate.
DeleteTruth is, poster, you would always have a problem with who ever ur dad chooses to remarry. You are a woman and would always root for ur mom. You would never fully accept any other woman ur dad decides to choose, u think she is coming in to replace the memories of ur mom with ur dad. Free urself and free the man abeg.
ReplyDeleteI can never ever agree to this kind of arrangement. Feels like betrayal to me.
ReplyDeleteToh! I was beginning to wonder oh
DeleteThank you o una thank you most of these people here have that aga me soro ibem attitude once the owner type her views they must all align .
DeleteBoth of them betrayed her late mother . This is not their first time they are messing around .
Deletenow they want to make it official and stella dey support bad things kai
Nothing makes this right. It is morally wrong on a lot of grounds. Poster you're not being over sensitive your worries make sense .
DeleteIt might feel awkward to you, but that's his life.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with his decision so long as they are not related by blood. Every other thing that makes you object is mere sentiment
ReplyDeleteYou that is being sentimental, have you prayed over it to hear what God says about the marriage. At least get your own first hand info. Stop all these thoughts of -what if she's been dating your dad? What if she's killed your mum blablabla. You guys should stop this if you don't have any fact or she has never given you any reason to suspect her or him. They are not related by blood for goodness sake
ReplyDeletePoster,I understand you perfectly well. you see your dad's wife to be as relatives,so you feel disgusted by his choice,maybe they started dating even before your mum passed
ReplyDeletejust pray for God's intervention and direction on how to handle the situation.
This is disgusting.
ReplyDeleteLet say it as it is and stop mumuishly echoing people's comments.
Your father wants to marry his adopted daughter.
Disgusting.
Aldo, why are you worrying a 61 year old man to remarry?
Does he need a wet nurse or something? Because it surely is not for sxx and procreation.
If it is to cook and clean, surely you can pay for a housekeeper for him? Or from church salary as a pastor?
Oh I get it, you prefer 24/7 cheap labour.
I don’t even get it. Serves poster right. They were looking for a woman that will look after him under the guise of companionship . As per glorified nanny. The man played uno reverse on them. Na wetin fit una.
DeleteLol @ nanny
DeleteNa real uno reverse and the adopted daughter is all in. Choi! This life! SMH! Things are really happening. Selfishness and greed becoming predominant at all fronts and who will bear the consequences? It is better to be a lover of God than a lover of self but mere mortals cannot understand.
Delete